"Do they ever come back? Devastated. Following on. The endless winter continues.

[Pleasenotme]

Ok, so this is thread number three. I can hardly believe it, in fact I don't want to believe it. I don't want to be in this place, so bloody broken and - at times - on my knees with despair. This is the link to my previous rantings:
Do they ever come back? Devastated. Following on. Endless winter. | Mumsnet

@Pleasenotme has your younger DD seen her father yet?

OP, keep taking it day by day. You might benefit from talking to a therapist just to help you get out all the emotion and grief your feeling so you can decompress and hopefully start eating with regularity?

STBXH is a POS involving your DD is so out of order and i suspect he is trying to get the onside with his behaviour and make your out to have always been some unreasonable gaslighting harridan who won't let him cheat in peace.

also you cannot have him round for christmas.

I would stop all communication with him via phone. only email regarding financially urgent things.

you need to stay away from him as much as possible for your mental health. I would not talk about it much with your children either.
Keep any conversation about him with friends or your Drs.

Spot on, 🌳 Trees.
This is exactly it.

And this is why when I got divorced, the two much older, male lawyers advised to keep my 📞 landline ( before mobiles were commonplace and before laptops) so as not to feel isolated.

They had known women commit suicide after long standing marriages ended- It’s all very well saying “ Find your anger”- but that takes time, and everyone is different.

It’s still very early days in recovery terms for OP.
It took at least 2 yrs for me, and my marriage was far shorter.(7 yrs)
Op’s is 35 yrs so 5 times as long.

That’s bound to hurt a lot more.

It's really unrealistic for people to try to encourage the OP to stop feeling so devastated.

It's her marriage and her cheating husband.

He's been a nightmare to her and also to their children.

She can't just get angry to order.

This. listen to this OP.

This sort of grief is worse than if he’d died, I think. Were he dead at least your shared past would be sacrosanct. But how he’s gone about this is frankly sadistic.

Exactly this. I always felt that if my exH had died I would at least have had 30 years of good memories to sustain me in my grief. Instead they were wiped out by his lies, deceit and behaviour. Even now, many years later I find it hard to recall the good times.

Oh wow @Pleasenotme him involving your DD like that is truly dreadful. Are there no depths that this man will sink to?

I know how awful it feels when you get confirmation of the times they have let you and their own children down to be with the OW. One weekend after the ExH left, he promised to pick up DD1 (6) for her swimming lesson and to take all of them to the park afterwards. I made the rookie error of telling the kids (DD3 was only 14wks so obviously made no difference to her) that daddy would be taking them swimming and to the park.

He didn't turn up. He said that there was a train delay, was really sorry, blah, blah, blah. I ended up taking all three kids to DD1's swimming lesson, taking them to the park etc. He was over four hours late.

A few weeks later his credit card statement came through the door and of course I opened it. The night before he was due to take the kids out, he paid for a hotel room a five-minute walk from our house. The bill equated to a double room with breakfast. They would have had to walk past the family home to get from the train station to the hotel. He literally stayed in bed with her rather than see his own children. Disgusting human being.

I think he was so vile to you on that phone call because you caught him out. He thought he was being so clever. You caught him out in caring more about spending time with the OW than his own family. If he didn't feel anger, he would have to feel shame and he's far too 'special' to have to feel that.

Please do not spend Christmas Day with this appalling excuse for a human being. I really don't think it would be good for your mental health. My ExH wanted to spend the first Christmas 'as a family'. It was a 'hard no' from me.

How despicable trying to involve your dc. I’d just say you don’t want her as piggy in middle. Gaslighting isn’t a word a 50 something male uses. Plus how is it gaslighting?
I’d also say definitely think about booking some beauty and hair appointments. It’s not self indulgent. You could say to therapist you’ve been ill and just need to relax not chat.

Honestly, what is it with men? They truly do think with a part of their anatomy.

I completely agree with posters advising you NOT to have him over at Christmas, it would be nightmarish for you. Plus he doesn’t deserve it.

From your previous thread "I don't know what he will do if he doesn't come here as his sister always goes to stay with friends from her uni days in Europe and I can't imagine they will invite him, and if they did, I don't think he would particularly want to go. Perhaps he has other options."

The OW hasn't lit the fuse on her marriage yet, so will probably be spending it with her husband and kids playing happy families. If anyone tells the husband, it could fling the cheating pair together for Christmas (the star crossed lovers against a cruel world) Bleurgh.

Let him feel lonely this Christmas. I think it will be good for your husband to have a crappy Christmas on his own, pondering why the OW is still enjoying her family Christmas, and not putting him first when he's put her before his own children (and you have the evidence to prove this). 'Gaslighting' my a**e.

Please don't be his Christmas fallback position. Honestly, the more you express your love, hurt, pain, try to accommodate him etc. The more you will anger him and he will resent you, you are literally making him feel bad. He needs that anger to protect himself from the shame.

And 'how dare you do that, how dare you make him feel bad, he has every right to feel happy and live his best life. He's done nothing wrong. All he's done is fall in love'. Yep my ExH actually said all of that.

It was only when I stopped feeding my ExH's ego (had to fake it until I made it) that I became even remotely interesting to him again. But by then it was far, far too late.

💐

Please don't be his Christmas fallback position.

@WeAreWhereWeAre That’s a great way to put it, the OP mustn’t be the fallback.

All hell’s going to break loose when the OW’s husband discovers what’s going on.

Please don't have him for Christmas. Why should you fill the gap his mistress has left by being with her family on Christmas Day. Let him sit on his own in his flat. Sod him!

Yes, definitely do not have him for Christmas. If he is own his own at Christmas, that’s his problem not yours.

Get yourself a lovely new notebook and write down everything about yourself that you are proud of. Add to it everyday with something that you have achieved that day, even if it’s just “I have got through this day”. In time the achievements will get bigger and better.

Don’t ever forget that you are better than them in every regard, you are a good person and they are disgraceful.

I have been watching The Split on iPlayer today - family law drama around a family of women.
It is brilliant.
There is a character called Goldie introduced in the very first episode and I thought of OP.
Absolutely blindsided when her husband of 30 years announces he is divorcing her. Her shock is palpable. And the husband is an absolute arsehole - entitled, cruel and very, very vain.
I won’t spoil the story, but watching Goldie rise like a phoenix is an absolute triumph.
And I thought of OP and thought I hope one day she gets her Goldie moment!

Is that with Nicola walker? Really enjoyed that I'll watch again.

OP your life has imploded and you need to be kind to yourself, you need to process everything in your own time and counselling may really help you find your feet.

You sound lovely Op but too hard on yourself and your husband is a complete twat to walk away but that is his loss and I hope one day soon you will realise that. You are a prize so please don’t let his words said to deflect his guilt tear you apart. He felt guilty on the phone and angry as you told him he had chosen to take the tart for a meal instead of meeting your son. He knows he is in the wrong but it’s easier to kick you when you’re down on your knees than admit to himself the truth. I would tell your eldest DD that you are not gaslighting him nor do you expect nor want her to be his mouthpiece. It’s not fair for him to put her in the middle and it’s not something you will do.

Sending you a big hug x

Yes it is!

Ooh! “The split”
I don’t usually watch Dramas, but a few mins in.. and it looks GOOD!

Thanks for recommendation!

Maybe a film for the “Ex Wives Club!”

Yes!
Goldie appears at around 10 mins in- I’m guessing this is who she is? “Mrs Mackenzie” (spelling?)
This early in, and she’s a likeable character.

@Pleasenotme If you can bear to, Try and catch ''The Split''... Goldie's story early on {and I'm only halfway through episode 1} is very reminiscent of yours.

Maybe it's similar as it's a story as old as time.

I hope you're hanging in there, OP. You've been treated appallingly, you really have.

Yes there are two new episodes coming so I’m giving it another go. Just makes you realise, even if it is drama, how people can treat each other. Goldie is my hero!

Oh it gets better. Every time Goldie has a little victory, have a cocktail. You may end up horizontal!