Hi @Pleasenotme just adding myself into the network of support here for you. I hope you aren’t finding all the voices too overwhelming. You can pick and choose the words that resonate with you most and listen to those.
I am a psychologist and I would not have a field day with you - him, perhaps but I don’t think he warrants such interest. Please do not feel ashamed or embarrassed, or that you need to apologise here. What you are going through is deeply traumatic and I mean that in the truest sense, your feelings and responses are absolutely valid. The man you thought you knew and loved has treated you so viciously and thoughtlessly. I think both things can be true - the life you created together and adored and the horrific way he is behaving now. You are grieving for the person you knew and how confusing and heartbreaking it must be to be put through something so horrible by the person you trusted implicitly. Please believe me when I say that his behaviour is a reflection on him and only him. He is utterly self absorbed and in denial, any reminders of his appalling behaviour or having to face up to the consequences - such as your distress - will invoke in him defense mechanisms you have experienced such as the vitriol, name calling, painting himself as the victim of your ‘gaslighting’ in order to attempt to control the narrative and save face. He is deeply emotionally immature. He will do anything to avoid feeling the shame that he has brought on himself, including involving your own daughter. This man needs rock solid boundaries and as impossible as it feels, you need to enter self preservation mode now in order to protect yourself from further harm.
I agree that he needs to be told in no uncertain terms to not involve your daughter in this. I am sure if your children knew the extent of his betrayal they would be horrified, but I also understand the need to protect them from all the details. I think there can be a middle ground here, and a conversation to be had with your daughter around the term gaslighting and how this obviously does not apply to you. I have a sense he is involving your daughter as another way of asserting control over you, as an attempt to silence you. Your voice is your power and you won’t be silenced. You have an army of supporters on here alone. It is also not your responsibility to tell the OWs husband so please do not feel the weight of that on top of everything else.
As with any trauma, you need to give yourself time to heal and you must prevent and reduce any contact with him - it will be so detrimental to your healing. Trauma is held in the body and it is no wonder you feel so shattered, your hair is thinning etc. I just know from reading your posts that you are a bright, vivacious person who loves deeply - you are intelligent, self aware and resilient. This man will not break your spirit and you will rise from this. The depths of despair you feel now is the same capacity you have for happiness in the future, for a time you cannot yet imagine but you are moving closer towards nonetheless. You must prioritise self preservation and self care at this time, treat yourself with the kindness you would give to a dear friend in this situation. You need nourishment and calm, make opportunities for this where you can - can you have a week/weekend away with a trusted friend? Can you go for a swim in a warm pool? Can you get a massage? As I said above, trauma is held in the body so it is really important to care for your physical self at this time. In terms of your emotional wellbeing I really would encourage you to seek help from an experienced therapist who has experience of infidelity PTSD. A good therapist can bolster you and be a great support at this time. Someone you don’t need to protect or watch what you say around, you need an outlet to be able to express your feelings and thoughts and a therapeutic space can provide the containment for that, in a confidential environment. Please give yourself every opportunity to be supported through this time in your life. You do not deserve this, this is not some sort of punishment for past life bad deeds - some people are callous and unfeeling, so many of us have sadly experienced the same. His ugliness through his words and actions does not marr the beauty of who you are. Your spirit shines through in droves, just from your posts. You are not powerless here OP. It is time to harness your power, and take control back for yourself. You can do it.