"Do they ever come back? Devastated. Following on. The endless winter continues.

[Pleasenotme]

Ok, so this is thread number three. I can hardly believe it, in fact I don't want to believe it. I don't want to be in this place, so bloody broken and - at times - on my knees with despair. This is the link to my previous rantings:
Do they ever come back? Devastated. Following on. Endless winter. | Mumsnet

I think that someone else needs to tell the OW’shusband, perhaps someone who knows or is at least acquainted with him. Not sure whether that’s possible.

You have to do what YOU feel is right.
It's your life, no one else's.

I understand why you don't feel able to tell him, poor bloke, as his world will implode, too.

Your daughter- She needs to know that she isn't being pulled between two parents.

Her dad shouldn't have involved her- she too will be feeling pain and anguish, as her stability as she knew it has gone.

I think you are right @oakleaffy - I've mentioned before that he now uses language that he would never have done before all this and I've certainly never heard him use the term 'gas lighting' so it's likely to be the OW's poisonous lexicon. I am appalled that he has involved DD in this way and that he smeared me to her, such a low thing to do. It's all the more extraordinary as the man he WAS would have absolutely despised this sort of behaviour.

@Pleasenotme there is no blame in anything you have done. None. You are a human being in terrible pain suffering from great trauma. You are trying to survive and survival instincts are strong and take over. Your reactions are normal in the circumstances. Normal.
Don’t listen to a word of what he said, it’s bullshit he has invented to remove the terrible guilt and shame he feels over what he has done. Being forced to bear witness to the suffering he knows he has caused and is all his fault made him feel guilt and shame that he is stuffing down with lies to stop it overwhelming him. He is terrified of a bad reputation and knows he has lost every shred of decency he ever told himself he possessed. He feels tawdry and small and can’t stand it, it terrifies him so he lashes out angrily and makes you the villain of the piece. You being the victim of his awful behaviour makes him quite rightly the bad guy, and he can’t be that at all costs. He needs to justify what he’s done, make it look like he had no choice, like he tried to ‘give you a chance’ but you blew it so it must be all your fault, not his.
It’s Olympic scale bullshit designed to strip away your loyal, decent persona, destroy your self worth and devalue you, so that he can justify leaving.
It is NOT true, Pleasenotme. It’s his vile weapon of choice which only denigrates him further, fuelling yet more anger as he tries to mentally rewrite history and desperately make himself the victim.
He’s a cowardly, scared, weak little man and unexpectedly faced with your pain, he started to crumble so bullying and insults were all he had left in the armoury he’s using to protect his ego, which is currently on the floor.
I’m glad he witnessed what he has done to you, he’s probably minimised everything to make himself feel better.
To have to resort to calling your children in a further attempt to devalue you is the lowest of the low. It shows he’s on the ropes with this and he knows it.
You’ve lost no dignity. He deserved every word. Do not beat yourself up about this, he has caused all of it including your children’s pain.
Take enormous care of yourself and protect yourself at all costs, but please don’t see his words as any kind of truth, trust me, this is the last resort of a man finally cornered by his own disgusting behaviour and desperately trying to shift blame and project how pathetic he knows he is onto you.
Your outburst was natural, understandable and forgivable, nothing he has done or said could come under any of those categories. Sending you love and strength. X

I know several people who are acquainted with him but none know him well enough to say anything to him of this nature. I strongly suspect that as several PPs on my previous thread have suggested, the OW will tell her DH after Christmas as certainly I sense that my H is becoming ever more entrenched in his position and that he is determined to see it through. If and when that becomes the case I will talk to her H about it all if he wishes, but I think I will leave him to seek me out rather than me go to him.

My Ex husband began using 'OW' words and phrases, too.

I was only with my Ex for 7 years, but even in that short time, one knows how they speak and act.

It was like he became a different person entirely.

Swanning around in different clothes, using her phrases, and putting me down at every turn.

It's very exhausting, and hard to believe how much they can change.

Our son is a man now, and he still gets angry over things his dad said.

Your children will know he's being unfair.

They will probably also detest the OW.

I’m so glad you have made a new thread because I know you won’t believe it but your strength is giving us strength for the future and the past..please don’t compare what’s happening with others…you can drown In 7 inches or 7 feet of water but your still drowning.

you don’t need to berate yourself…the one thing I know for sure is someday you will be looking back on this from a much happier and peaceful place…you just have to do what you need to do to get through and you are doing it…no one can tell you how to navigate this..your doing great. The phone call, the bank statement, they are all steps in your journey..even the Xmas thing if you choose to do it but I can’t see that now.

sending you so much love..you don't have to have emotional control to see the priest, him and your community there and there to hold you..just go as you are, go see him, it’s part of your future support

🥰🥰🥰

This ☝️ ☝️ ☝️

Very accurate. He knows he's behaving dreadfully, and is doubling down to try to blame OP.

With a vicious OW it can be made worse as well. She'll be putting her two cents in at every available opportunity - wanting the house sold &c.

Thank goodness Pleasenotme has a good, experienced Lawyer in her Court.

That's a valuable asset to have.

Thank you all. I'm going to try and sleep now or I won't be able to function at work tomorrow. I'm physically shaking having had that message from my DD so need to try and get a grip of my heart rate and breathing, and I'm so cold which is shock I think, so I need to warm up too in bed. God bless you all, thank you for the loveliness you have sent my way x

Omg. I’m aghast, that isn’t your daughter’s job…how low of H…it’s between you and him, nothing to do with her. He shouldn’t be involving her in what’s between you…a new low for him. It seems very desperate.

@Pleasenotme Try and sleep on a woolly blanket. A great comfort. Try and sleep well. xx

Pleasenotme Sending you hugs
My heart goes out to you.

Regarding OW’s H, maybe it isn’t such a good thing now to speak to the poor fellow, as it could make the adulterous pair feel closer, them against the world. Does his sister really know what is going on, I think you never did get on but there are limits to the sisterhood.

Wishing you peace xx

I’ve just read this and your previous thread. I just really want to send you strength and comfort and my very best thoughts and wishes.

My eldest DD has just messaged to say that her father has been in touch and told her words to the effect that I'm 'gas lighting' him 'so please talk to her and get her to stop'.

Good god. He was already beneath contempt. Now he’s found a way to sink even lower.

Keep holding your head high, OP. It’s heartbreaking that you still love him so painfully. But one day this will seem like a nightmare that you’ve woken up from. DD will probably never regain any respect for him, but that’s his problem.

Sending you hugs and strength xx

Be gentle with yourself, OP. Healing takes time and your're still in shock.
I'm amazed that you can even go to work honestly, you must be a very resiliant and strong person. Could a winter getaway help?
Somewhere where you could get really pampered with massages, treatments, perhaps a bit of meditation, yoga. Where you would feel held and supported and where it might take your mind off things. Sure there's no running away, but sometimes trips really do take the edge off IME. I've suffered quite a few relational losses and these sort of trips plus the passing time have been the biggest healers xxxxxxoooxxxxxxx

"You absolutely are NOT being self indulgent.
This thread may well still be here in 10 or so years time, and will be a map out of sorrow for other women who have discovered their husbands have been unfaithful."

Totally echo this OP. This thread is helping others going through hell right now. You are expressing the pain (and doing so very eloquently) that many can relate to. Many people post on this forum (and others like it) for some form of comfort/guidance, while many just read for the same benefits. Akin to group therapy, where some speak about their issues, and others with issues just listen.

There is no judgement of you in any of your actions. You have been hit by a train and are traumatised and still coming to terms with what has happened. The only thing we would demand of you though is that you take care of yourself as you will need your health to get through this. And the priest's offer, when you feel you are up to it, does sound like a good one. We are all rooting for you.

Exactly this.

I just read your updates OP.
There is something I found particularly sad and its abut that conversation with your H where he was an absolute obnoxious prick and even feeling as bad as you did you just wanted to stay on the other side of the line and hear his voice. How terribly sad...I felt exactly the same many many years ago so I could feel the devastation you are now feeling.

OP you need therapy, professional help. You really do. I really mean this well as I am going through therapy myself. Please find good help. You are still after all putting him on that pedestal after all his unforgivable cruelty.

Hope you sleep well. Nobody judge you here..we are all here for you. Even being strangers we genuinely care. Mind yourself OP. x

Dear OP, I’ve just read all your posts. Your husband is a sadistic piece of shit. He is gaslighting you not the other way round.

I hope your faith can bring you some comfort in time. I find the rosary very comforting when it’s hard to pray in other ways.

You are very obviously a lovely, kind and gentle woman. You will get through this. God bless you.

My eldest DD has just messaged to say that her father has been in touch and told her words to the effect that I'm 'gas lighting' him 'so please talk to her and get her to stop'. She has asked me what on earth is going on and that she really can't deal with all this

Simply tell her that you also have no idea what’s going on or what he is on about. Tell her there’s no gaslighting, he just doesn’t like being called out on shitty behaviour and it’s appalling and you are shocked he’s contacted her trying to drag her into it. Then end with ‘there is nothing I can do about him, you’ll have to tell him if you don’t want him to involve you’. Just deflect it all.

Yes. I was going to suggest the same.
You mention in your posts that you are concerned about your hair and nails.. and whilst it might sound superficial...its really just giving yourself a bit of TLC. then at least you'd feel a bit better on the outside and its one less thing to worry about. A facial massage would be really relaxing.
Also. make sure you take multivitamins, as you are probably not eating all that well atm. It will make a difference. Treat yourself very kindly.

Dont worry about telling the OWs DH or any of that stuff atm. You need to focus on yourself first and foremost.. Deal with things bit by bit.

Re your DD... she's had her ear bent by your DH.... I think you should say to her that you have not been gaslighting anyone, And that it was very unfair of him to put her in the middle, you and he will have to sort this out between yourselves, but at the moment you are so deeply shocked and upset that you just need to process what has happened.

I’ve held back on commenting mostly because I’ve no words of wisdom and others here have put into words exactly what I was thinking . Don’t ever feel like you’re reacting wrong, you’re not . He’s a horrible excuse for a man and to go to your daughter was a new low.
At the moment he’s living in a fantasy land , it will all come crashing down around him yet .

I feel for your DD, don't let her to become go between. Tell her you don't know what he's on about.
And anyway which part was gaslight?⁶
You're a good woman OP. I hope he realises what a fool he's been, but only once it's tok late and you have moved on.

Just tell your daughter that you love her but you won't receive messages from dad from her. It isn't her place and you love her. Everytime she tries go sorry darling but again it isn't your job. How are you?

Im so sorry he is using her to attack you

@Pleasenotme

Oh Love, take a deep breath. You needed to let him have it with both barrels and so you did. The result wasn't what you wanted but 'it is what it is' And what it is now is over and done with. Put it behind you. As far as DD, all you need to do is tell her that her father was wrong to get her involved and that you feel that it's not something you and she need to discuss.

I'm sorry you didn't find your peace in church. Sometimes we just can't 'let go' of a situation enough to find it. It'll come though, when the time is right. Until then just keep repeating "Weeping endureth for a night, but joy cometh in the morning". This is your long night, but it will end. And you will find your peace.

Tomorrow is another day. And you'll pick yourself up and start again. And we'll be here to cheer you on.