"Do they ever come back? Devastated. Following on. The endless winter continues.

[Pleasenotme]

Ok, so this is thread number three. I can hardly believe it, in fact I don't want to believe it. I don't want to be in this place, so bloody broken and - at times - on my knees with despair. This is the link to my previous rantings:
Do they ever come back? Devastated. Following on. Endless winter. | Mumsnet

I echo this. You do need therapy. You need to access talking therapy straightaway (you can self refer for this) but I'd also recommend seeing a good private therapist too. I don't know if you're taking antidepressants already, but if not, go and see a doctor and see if this is something they'd recommend (I expect it would be). You need all the help you can get at the moment and there's no shame in taking it. In time you'll see that your husband is a massive bellend who doesn't deserve you, and you'll start to feel positive about th future again, but you need a handhold while you get there.

And let's hope the begging him to come back stops.Nobody wants hysterical people in their life,she's playing right into his hands unfortunately and he must be loving it,the attention of 2 women.How OP hasn't told the Husband I will never,ever understand.Find your fury OP!!

Probably because telling the OW's husband will catapult OW right into her husband's arms.

He shouldn't be involving your DD in this. She needs to respond that he needs to keep issues between you and him and not DC.

Keep on keeping on Pleasenotme.

I also second therapy. It is invaluable in helping to move on.

But he's not coming back,anyway.He clearly has no feelings whatsoever left for OP.I know she doesn't want to hear it,but it's a fact.

I've been following your threads and just wanted to say a few things - why on earth would you want someone back who can treat you like this? You deserve better plus the relationship would never be the same again. No trust.
You can build a life alone, you can be happy again just in a different way.
Being a strong single independent female is empowering.
You don't need him and stop wanting him.

The oldest daughter suggested this.
Towards the end of the second thread.

I'm puzzled by her actions TBH.

Because they have decades of history, built a life together and raised children. Presumably there are many things about him the OP dearly loved. They planned for the future together. He has now burnt their future to the ground but it is no wonder the OP cannot envisage her life without him. This was done to her, without her knowledge or consent. Feelings cannot just be turned off, and it is impossibly difficult to reconcile the person OP thought she knew with his callous behaviour now. It creates so much incongruence that it is difficult psychologically to process the trauma - because trauma is what this is.

It really is not as easy as just telling the OP to stop wanting him, and she magically stops. She wants the man she knew, the shared life she loved, the familiarity and the comfort. I have not been in the OPs situation but I know what it’s like when someone metaphorically breaks something you love into pieces and you cut yourself trying desperately to put it back together again, even though it will never be the same. When the person who can comfort you the most is the one who caused you the pain. We are all just human beings. We are all in agreement that his behaviour is abhorrent and the OP deserves so much more. I think there is a fine line between ‘tough love’ / trying to bolster the OP and shaming her for her feelings. The incredulousness of such posters claiming OP needs to switch off her feelings is not very helpful. Especially as she is using this thread as a lifeline and she needs to be able to post openly here without worrying about being judged.

Bloody hell! Even my awful and cruel ex never did this. I'm so sorry that your eldest DD has been drawn in like this by your disgusting STBX.

It may be, but the OP hasn't yet accepted that.

Great advice.

You're a better woman than me OP...and deserve much more in life.
In time I hope you'll see things for what they are.

I'd be letting the OW's DH know, poor man he deserves to know that his DW if deep into an affair.
Sounds to me like the OW has it all right now her own DH as well as yours, wined and dined at expensive restaurants by your DH before returning home to her own cosy little house.

There's also no way she'd be eating and drinking part of my financial settlement in fancy restaurants, laughing and looking into each others eyes while I'm sat at home 'broken'.

As for Christmas I'd not want him sat across a table from me thinking I'm still so in love with him and I've saved him from having a lonely Christmas when knowing full well he'd prefer to be elsewhere.

He had an affair before leaving you, disguards you like a piece of rubbish, wines and dines the OW at great expense and is happy to watch her go home every night to play happy families with her own lot.

Are you sure you'd want that type of man back.

Sending you strength OP. Your ex is showing you who he really is and who is is NOW. Involving his daughter is unforgivable. If you heard of this behaviour about a DH of a friend you would be horrified. Use this latest revelation as best you can to summon up the contempt he deserves, it is there within you somewhere, you might be ok with his awful treatment of you but deliberately inflicting pain on your children is not what a decent or even mildly decent man does. You are doing so well. Keep going.

Hello @Pleasenotme I agree some professional help might help if you can face it. I have pm’d you some words that I particularly like about grief and survival that help me when I am struggling. Take care x

Please remember that you are recovering from pneumonia, it takes a while to get over such a serious illness and it can emotionally and physically deplete the happiest person.
You have to begin to nurture yourself, when I was diagnosed with cancer I had my hair,eyebrows and lashes dyed and styled, a manicure and pedicure- without the varnish, bought the best appropriate underwear in black and the perfume I had wanted for ages. Every appointment was approached as an acting role with be playing the elegant warrior! I was terrified but armoured. It is time to put on yours, especially as you have been so ill. Get a hairstyle that will disguise your thinning hair, take supplements that will help, have a facial and get advice on makeup - No 7 or Benefits are really good for MOTing your face. If you want to get acrylics, new underwear that fits and clothes that give you confidence.

Your daughter needs to know the reason you were so upset was that you found out that he put the OW before his children and that is something you can never forgive, so he will not be coming for Christmas.

You are still here. That’s the main thing. You are still here, breathing in and out, putting one foot in front of the other. What finally helped me find some strength and dignity was a very similar call, when I told my ex that I was pregnant. He responded that I had ruined his life and he was away to kill himself. I remember saying very quietly” I won’t trouble you again” and I didn’t. He on the other hand, did come back, about 2 years later and pursued me relentlessly, for some years, until I made it very clear that Hell would freeze before I considered him as a a potential partner.
Try to avoid a long discussion with your daughter. In your shoes I would agree that I should not have contacted him, and also that he should not have contacted her.
You are not disgusting. You are absolutely lovely I wish so much I knew you irl. I would bring soup and cake and make you laugh until wee came out. This is the beginning of your recovery. Just keep breathing in and out. And make your bedroom a cocoon of loveliness. And don’t dump his stuff at his sisters house. Take it to the OWs house and leave it on their drive!

This made me laugh!

@Pleasenotme

Set yourself a goal to end your mourning over your lost marriage and abandonment. Set a date.
It's very easy to get caught up in the wallowing and let him steal further years from you.

Don't let him steal any more time from you.

Time to find your anger OP. He is hurting your kids now. What a piece of shit he is. Sending you lots of hugs xx

OhcantthInkofaname · Today 04:58
I know you say you still love him. I think you still love the person he was. That's not the person he is now. Transfer that love to yourself.

^ This is a very important realisation! I went through a similar story to yours with a partner of 32 years, and it took me a very long time to stop missing him and loving him. In fact I never really did, but when I became aware that the person I loved and was missing no longer existed it was a turning point in the process. You will be able to grieve for the death of what was, and begin to move on without focusing on that person he is now.

Don't beat yourself up about anything as you recover, we all have a different journey through the process. Personally I never found my "anger", it wasn't part of my journey. Just take your time and know that there are a whole lot of us out here who have your back.
Sending love and hugs xxx

I think it would be very difficult of not nigh on impossible to sit across a Christmas dinner table, or indeed any kind of table, from this man, even for your children’s sake, after hearing such terrible lies about you spewing from him.
I know how much women suck up for the sake of their children and I understand why and for the most part I absolutely applaud it.
But it is no longer your job, if it ever indeed was, to provide this man with a family Christmas after he has so comprehensively and cruelly walked away from it.
Your children are older and will understand that after what he has said and done (you don’t need to give details, he would twist your words if they told him what you said) you no longer feel able to welcome him into your home. He has made his choices and now must live by the consequences of them.
They will see that this not about punishing him, it is about protecting yourself. You can say that you were considering it but he has said and done things since that time which have altered your stance in this regard.
You can say that of course they are welcome to see their father and it has no bearing on your view of them, of course you love them no matter what, but any face to face contact with him from now on will be done independently of you.
Originally I thought it might be possible if you really wanted it, but now I don’t think this toxic man should come within a million miles of a lovely woman like yourself.
As always, of course, it is only my point of view and up to you what you decide.
Whatever you decide, protect yourself. Put yourself first, your mental health must be your priority and older children understand that. I hope you find a good counsellor, you have a wonderful post further above here and I echo it in that you need to find a counsellor trained in infidelity related PTSD. It will be a safe place where you will be completely understood and able to say what the hell you like with no impact on anybody else to temper your emotions. Let them out in a safe space. Sending love X

I’ve just spent an hour reading only your posts across three threads OP. Apologies for any repetition of content in any of my post, I just don’t have time to scan 2000+ messages.

I am surprised at the posters who feel they need to express their frustration at the fact you aren’t coming out swinging. This sort of grief is worse than if he’d died, I think. Were he dead at least your shared past would be sacrosanct. But how he’s gone about this is frankly sadistic.

Your H sounds to me like a coward who is hiding from what he knows. If he genuinely thought he was in the right in any way, I suspect he’d be much kinder. If it was simply that he fancies the OW then why not say that? ‘You have been a good wife but the spark has left for me and I want to try with her.’

Would that be so much worse than what he’s done? Certainly it would involve him ‘getting the blame’ but the affair is apparently no longer a secret to anyone but the poor bugger she’s married to. It would also have had the benefit of being honest.

I feel like someone (not you though) should tell OW’s H, ASAP. Preferably with proof she can’t deny. Why? Because, tactically, when dealing with people like OW (and H) keeping secrets only ever works in their favour.

I am not a psychologist but I do wonder if H is a narcissist. This word is used all the time nowadays but he seems to be reading from a playbook. The trading-up (in his ego-addled perception) the full discard, deflection, reversal, you’ll have read it all.

But - if not, and he’s just some chump whose ageing fantasies got the better of him, I think one day he’ll wake up at 2am from some half-dream and hear his conscience speak to him with perfect clarity ‘you tore her apart for no reason at all.’ It’ll be too late, but it’ll come. Hell mend him. I just really really hope you’re going to rebuild. It’ll take time but I think you’re a special person and I have everything crossed for you.

Dear @Pleasenotme, I have read all your posts and I am so very sorry for what you are going through. Your eloquence vividly brings back the pain of a past break up for me - thankfully, many years ago now.

I know you have had lots of advice and support but I just wanted to recommend a novel - Heartburn by Nora Ephron. It's heavily autobiographical, based on her husband, Carl Bernstein's, affair with Margaret Jay. Although Ephron/the narrator is clearly devastated and still loves her husband, the book is very, very funny and manages to make the husband and OW look ridiculous - which might be useful for you right now. A film was made of it but it's a vastly watered-down version because Bernstein threatened to sue the production company (classy!). The book is no holds barred and functions as a great pick-me-up for women going through what Ephron went through.

You yourself write very well and I hope that one day that might empower you. I doubt that your 'D'H or the OW have your talent ...

I'm sorry for everything you are going through OP. We are all here for you. X

I've been reading your threads and lurking for a while. I'm so so very sorry for what you're going through. I completely understand why and how you're feeling. It's truly horrific.
However, your children sound phenomenal and so supportive of you. I'm not suggesting you simply just jump up and dust yourself off, but I hope that you're able to find the joy in your children and gird your loins a bit for their sake.
You are grieving for your relationship and the life you thought you were going to have but they're grounding too and you need to try and find some internal strength and steel. I know it's hard, but it's there somewhere and if you can take charge a bit I'm sure you'll start to feel stronger. One foot in front and keep going.
Your ex sounds very unkind and this pain will pass x