New relationship 6 months and already got a situation

[Walkingback2happiness]

Ugh... I'm here again looking for advice and thoughts...
I'm 33 he's 38.
Knew him when we were young he moved out of area and we saw each other on dating app reconnected as friends and progressed from there no offical relationship status but we spend our free time together.

Noticed he's always "nipping" to the pub and is a big binge drinker especially on a Friday. Always gets wasted. When he is out his communication drops, fine, your out seeing your mates I get it but he vanishes till the next morning. Brought this up once, the following Friday he did it again, brought it up again and basically said it bothers me because I don't know where you are, if your home safe, If your home at all etc etc and it would just be nice to not be dropped as soon as your at the pub considering that you ring me most nights and we message quite alot, I have trust issues but not massive and communication is big too me....he knows where I am I'm home with my 2 dcs and I asked if it would bother him if I did what he was doing he said it would and apologised and said he would work on the binge drinking and better communication. (God I sound abit pathetic here don't i)
Anyway he was at the pub again last night, better communication 100% sent me a few messages back and forth, then got to 10 and he vanished, messaged me this morning as normal, I brought up the vanishing and said I assume you got home OK at some point where did you end up going? For clarity he always just says the pub I don't know what pub or where he lives 50 mins away from me.... he responded
"After I was telling a few friends last night how I feel about you and how amazing I think you are, I wake up to this. I get you had a bad night with DS but I havnt done anything" which I felt was abit shit and he also said "I'll speak to you later, I get today is a big day and I hope you're OK and Dd is too. But I feel you're being unfair and taking it out on me cause of the situation today. I didn't message cause I thought you were asleep and got straight into bed soon as I got in. I hope you're ok message me later xxxx" however then said he didn't message because he was wasted and forgot.... situation today is my DD 6 sees her dad who was very abusive to me mentally and physically at the contact centre for the first time in 3 years ish so it's a big deal but not the reason I've made a fuss.

Am I the problem? Should I look at this red flag properly and stop glossing over it? What do you think?

For context he has no kids and has been single 8 years and I am starting to think I made a mistake.

Don't bash me please genuine thoughts without nastiness would be nice today

You do not live with him.
Leave him be. You do not need to know his whereabouts all night. You do not need to text someone when they out with friends. You say ...have a great night text me tomorrow sometime.

But clearly he is not for you as you do not want to be with a heavy drinker

maybe get some therapy sessions about your past relationship to build your confidence in yourself

Being really honest with yourself - Are you worrying because you think he’s with someone else
From experience I will say that if someone has been single 8 years it can take a long time to get out of the habit of doing just what suits you all the time and thinking about another person

Your boundaries here, already skewed by previous abuse, are being further got at by this man now.

Bin off this man now he is a drunkard. Do not further subject yourself or your child to him.

Be on your own now and love your own self for a change. Seek therapy for yourself as to why you have chosen these men to be in a relationship with. Enrol yourself onto the Freedom program if you have not already done this.

You talked to him more than once about how you felt and he hasn't taken this on board.
He's nearly 40 and yet still going out and getting wasted at the pub with his drinking buddies and getting up to goodness knows what after he leaves the pub.
I don't think this relationship is right for you OP. It's causing you worry and upset.

He clearly has a drink problem.
Why would you be bringing that into your childrens lives?
He is not compatible with a woman with children.
Do you want your children around a binge drinker?
Haven't they enough trauma with an abusive father?

Please end things and put your children first.
Best of luck today.

I hope today goes okay for you, OP. The situation is a difficult one. When my husband goes on a night out with his mates, it's usually a big drinking session but happens maybe twice a year to celebrate some sort of event (they're old school mates and known each other 30 years). I make a point of leaving him to it and only message when he messages me. When we lived separately he would always message me on his way home too, no matter how plastered he was! I would be bothered, like you, if I didn't hear anything so I understand how you must be feeling.

Your partner is new to the whole relationship thing, since he's been single for 8 years. He's probably not used to considering another person's feeling when he's out with his mates etc. Having said that, he's 38 and getting drunk every Friday night and out of it, isn't very conductive to family life and would be a huge red flag for me.

I don't think you need to know another adult's whereabouts at all times.

I skipped over your communication problem because you have a bigger one. He likes his alcohol too much to the point he could be a functioning alcoholic. You really don't want an addict in your life. You really, really don't.

I think the drinking is more of an issue over the not checking in.

Agree with the others. Think about ending things and focus on yourself and dc for now.

I don't think he should have to let you know his every move, so I am going to agree with him there.

Your kids are traumatised and do not need some drunken boyfriend inflicted on them at any time in the future.

There's no point in dating this man, discard him and focus on healing yourself and supporting your kids through their trauma.

In the nicest way possible, that you're starting to feel like you've made a mistake is your intuition and it's exactly on-point OP. If you continue with him, you will be let down again and again. He's got a drinking problem to say the least and he's certainly not someone who you can rely on, so trust your gut and end this before it gets worse. Do not bother trying to change him and forget overthinking this, as it's very clear. Good luck

You deserve better OP.
He will never change .
Raise your standards and stop contact with him.
Hes not a good role model for your kids and is an awful excuse of a boyfriend.

The big issue is that he's a binge drinker - why would you want to get involved, and bring someone like this into your children's' lives?

The secondary problem is that you are using "trust issues" as a reason to justify wanting to know where he is all the time. You don't live together. If you have "trust issues" then it's your responsibility to work on them - not make it someone else's problem by putting a digital leash on them.

You should focus on what's happening with your ex and DD for now. Get that situation sorted and more comfortable before dating distractions.
He's not the right guy for you. You are OTT with your communication demands, and I suspect the distance doesn't help. You should aim to date someone who lives closer, as you need to have a conviction of trust to date someone at a distance, and that's just not how you are, it's asking for trouble and feeding your insecurities. He's also old to be binge drinking like this stil, which indicates he's unlikely to change what has become his lifestyle. Plenty of men do this kind of thing once a week, but if he's often nipping to the pub throughout the week too, it's too much. You can find someone better than that type of lifestyle.

no offence but hes a man without his kids and you don't live together, why CANT he go out with his friends every friday night? and I wouldn't be messaging my partner either if it was me, sorry but he's not the one for you.

Get him to fuck. He has shown you who he is. Do you want your child living with this? Bin him.

Unreasonable to want him to ‘check in’ / message you when out with friends or to let you know he’s home.

If you have reason to be concerned about his alcohol use, eg binge drinking to excess often, don’t date him - you have DC to consider and it seems a big incompatability.

When DH goes to the pub with his mates, I wouldn't dream of messaging unless it was urgent. Another of the wives does and they all roll their eyes and laugh at him.

Sounds like the main thing you're worried about is if he has got home safe. Say you'll stop messaging if he will send you one text when he gets home.

Your children have been exposed to an abusive man in the past and you've been through awful abuse.

Why on earth are you pursuing a relationship with a man you know is a problem drinker?

It's madness to bring him into your orbit, and by association your children's orbit too, even if they haven't yet met.

Step back from the situation and really think about whether pursuing this relationship is in the best interests of your children.

The no official relationship status bit is a bit odd and out of keeping with the way you talk about the relationship.

i think texting whilst out with friends is super rude and not particularly healthy so i think it’s good he doesn’t do that personally.

yes i can see it would be nice to have a goodnight text when he’s back home or on his way home but perhaps he’s pissed. As long as he texts in the morning I wouldn’t get upset, or if you message goodnight, hope you had fun! And he likes the message that would be good enough for me I think.

He turns his phone off and gets absolutely slaughtered every weekend at 40. Even when he knows you have got something big and worrying coming up, he's not able to stay in and talk to you to keep your mind off it. Drink is more important.

Normally I'd say let him go off with his friends, but the fact that it's SO regular and he doesn't appear to be able to keep his word about keeping you in the loop, leads me to think that the drinking might be at problem levels.

Not a good match for anyone, unless they also like getting blind drunk every Friday night.

You're both the problem. You don't need to know where he is when he's going out or hear from him all evening or even at all. However his drinking is a problem and you have a child so make a grown up decision and let him go down the pub

Nothing good is going to come out of this situation.

you're starting to wonder if you've made a bad decision. I'm not knocking you, but you have.

get out now before you get any deeper. I wouldn't allow it to continue if it upsets her.

i hope today has gone ok for DD.

Why does he have to check in with you continuously? You sound very controlling and if it was a man doing this to a women, the red flags would be flying high!

Totally this. It’s controlling and possessive. He’s a grown ass man and you are asking for constant communication when he is out with friends. If you squeeze too tight he will slip through your fingers.

No red flags at all except maybe the drinking which you have known about the whole time.

Please take a step back and consider that your past has skewed what is normal here.