New relationship 6 months and already got a situation

[Walkingback2happiness]

Ugh... I'm here again looking for advice and thoughts...
I'm 33 he's 38.
Knew him when we were young he moved out of area and we saw each other on dating app reconnected as friends and progressed from there no offical relationship status but we spend our free time together.

Noticed he's always "nipping" to the pub and is a big binge drinker especially on a Friday. Always gets wasted. When he is out his communication drops, fine, your out seeing your mates I get it but he vanishes till the next morning. Brought this up once, the following Friday he did it again, brought it up again and basically said it bothers me because I don't know where you are, if your home safe, If your home at all etc etc and it would just be nice to not be dropped as soon as your at the pub considering that you ring me most nights and we message quite alot, I have trust issues but not massive and communication is big too me....he knows where I am I'm home with my 2 dcs and I asked if it would bother him if I did what he was doing he said it would and apologised and said he would work on the binge drinking and better communication. (God I sound abit pathetic here don't i)
Anyway he was at the pub again last night, better communication 100% sent me a few messages back and forth, then got to 10 and he vanished, messaged me this morning as normal, I brought up the vanishing and said I assume you got home OK at some point where did you end up going? For clarity he always just says the pub I don't know what pub or where he lives 50 mins away from me.... he responded
"After I was telling a few friends last night how I feel about you and how amazing I think you are, I wake up to this. I get you had a bad night with DS but I havnt done anything" which I felt was abit shit and he also said "I'll speak to you later, I get today is a big day and I hope you're OK and Dd is too. But I feel you're being unfair and taking it out on me cause of the situation today. I didn't message cause I thought you were asleep and got straight into bed soon as I got in. I hope you're ok message me later xxxx" however then said he didn't message because he was wasted and forgot.... situation today is my DD 6 sees her dad who was very abusive to me mentally and physically at the contact centre for the first time in 3 years ish so it's a big deal but not the reason I've made a fuss.

Am I the problem? Should I look at this red flag properly and stop glossing over it? What do you think?

For context he has no kids and has been single 8 years and I am starting to think I made a mistake.

Don't bash me please genuine thoughts without nastiness would be nice today

Why do you need to know where he is? You know he is out with his friends. You know he us in various pubs. I would be very unhappy to be in a relationship with someone who requires to know whete I am and wants texts when I am out with my friends.

Out of all of that, the one thing that stood out to me is that you don't know where he lives.
Really, after six months?

Anyway. Men without children are always a bad bet, especially if they go out and get drunk every week. I'd bin him off.

There’s a thread on here currently about a woman whose partner drove home drunk and pissed in their bathroom and over her slippers the night before their child’s birthday. It’s not the first time I’ve seen such a post on MN either.

Is this what you want for yourself and your family in the future after at least one of your kids already has an awful father? Get out now and put your kids first.

Whether you’re demanding too much in the way of texts or not, I think he likes the fact you’re single mother so he knows that unlike him you’re unlikely to be out on a Friday night.

Note how he said it would bother him if you were to do the same. So whether your BU or not the fact is according to him his own behaviour is unacceptable as he wouldn’t like this behaviour from you if the roles were reversed.

There are a lot of men who target single mothers because in their eyes single mums will tolerate bad behaviour and have less opportunities to cheat. Prove him wrong and don’t stand for this.

I’ve just seen you don’t even know where he lives? Does he know where you live?
important to add here - a lot of men with no kids don’t really want to settle down with a woman with kids . This would be perfectly understandable if they just were upfront and honest and steered clear of single mothers.

Unfortunately there are some who will just string single mothers along because , as above, they believe they can!

You're not compatible with completely different attachment styles. You sound insecure, while he clearly prefers to be more independent and not constantly being checked up on. Do you trust him? Personally, I would find his binge drinking very unattractive. There is genuinely a good reason why some people are single at an age when many others have chosen to settle down.

She doesn't know where he is. She knows he " went to the pub" with his drinking buddies. How the night progressed after that she has absolutely no idea. All she knows is he is a nearly 40 year old man behaving like an irresponsible teenager and that he is a binge drinker

Are the posters suggesting someone who drinks on a Friday night is a functioning alcoholic okay?

OP I don't think he's done anything inherently wrong, but it also sounds like it's not the relationship for you; you're both in very different situations and feel differently about the relationship. I'd focus on your daughter, lean in for support from family and friends and wait to date until you actually feel ready.

Thanks all
For clarity he goes to the pub multiple times in the week also after work and he is always ringing and messaging me normally even when in the pub at these times and I say oh I'll leave you to it then and he's like no no it's OK I want to talk to you etc it's just that I've noticed a pattern that on Fridays he gets plastered every week, like OP said, if it was once a month or for a reason aka friends birthday then I'd say have a good time speak to you tomorrow and wouldn't expect any communication but its literally every Friday and before we spent alot of time together (early days) Saturdays too and yes that's fine if you want that but that for me is icky...he always gets plastered it's never just a drink with his mates it's wasted with his mates so yes I have 2 different things going on don't I... no listening to what bothers me and the binge drinking.

Mixed reviews on the details however think the main concensus is that I don't want someone who is a heavy drinker...he drinks at home every night also... my mum and dad are both alcoholics and I hate regular binge drinking however I do enjoy a beer or a wine after a stressful day but not every sodding Friday wasted.. I have kids and a more family focused life hardly any no kid time and no support and he has no kids so he doesn't have anything other really to do after work and I get that but there's a fine line?

It's more the fact he's said he agrees and he doesn't want to be like that anymore but then doesn't change it but yes 8 years single is a long time to have to think about someone else..

Maybe he has a drinking problem as some suggest. Ugh this is hard 😫 my choices have never been great with partners but I thought I was improving god damn it

@Pleasegetchristmasoverwith yes THIS exactly this !

@Starso Is there? Oh my gosh this is awful god NO I don't want that for me or my kids no no no.

I agree with everything you've said. He knows where I live as he comes to mine as he lives with his mum (apparently his flat was sold and he moved back in start of the year with from what I gather no plans to leave) I know where his mum lives but I've never been...don't know the area at all...oh god....

He sounds like a 19yr old not a fully functioning adult.

you are a grown ass woman with 2 children
and you don’t have a future with him.

if you just want a shag crack on… if you want a relationship look elsewhere

Your update makes it worse, he's an alcoholic. Doesn't matter of he can manage to hold down a job, if its every night drinking, that's dependency. It might feel familiar and actually less of a big deal because of your family history, while you know you don't like it. That will be why you haven't been put off till now.
See the signs, end it asap. He has 2 problems, drinking beyond his limits, not having an ability to stop before he gets wasted every week, and drinking every day.

Perhaps you need to take a leaf out his book and be single for 8 years too tbh. Focus on your children and don’t risk bringing any more bad men into their lives and seek therapy.

And to the pp - no, drinking on a Friday night isn’t inherently a problem but binge drinking every Friday at the age of 38? Yes I’d say that’s a problem!

I have male and female friends married and unmarried, kids and without kids and none of them do that.

Truth is there are many men in marriages with kids who do this too, it’s not even about single vs not single men. You only need to read MN to see all kinds of irresponsible men “settle down” and have kids and there are decent unattached men with no kids.

So having kids or “settling down” with Op won’t necessarily change this man’s behaviour. This is who he is and is unlikely to change.

Him being a binge drinker is a separate issue. If she thinks he drinks too much then she should drop him.

Constant needing texts and check ins and wanting to know which pub he is in is controlling. If a woman posted about a man wanting constant calls or communication when they were out, she would be told to run for the hills as it is controlling

So six months in and you're having to mother him over making sure he gets home ok from his big bender drinking sessions and he lives with his mum and has no intention of moving out? No this wouldn't be for me.

I'm not suggesting this because I think you're currently in an abusive relationship but I would consider doing the Freedom Program. It will help you identify your boundaries and ways to implement them, as well as recognising the signs of a red flag relationship.

Alcohol is his main point of his life.

That's his choice and he's happy.

But why would you knowingly choose this type of man ?

Don't fall in to the

"he needs the right woman to change"

nonsense either OP.

YABU. I'm married 15 years with 2 kids and I wouldn't message my husband while I'm out. I'm out. I don't want to have to remember to communicate. I don't want to think about him or home or kids. Unless someone is dying I don't want to be contacted.

I think this is a YOU issue. You need to deal with your insecurity.

@cansu it's not about constant calls or messages I don't want that however I don't also wanna feel dropped at approx 9/10pm on a Friday night because he's got too wasted especially when he's messaging and ringing me every other days constantly throughout the day does that make sense? Don't you check in with your partner if your on a night out? I always messaged mine to say having a good time or send a pic and when am home would always say home speak tmrw or in the morning whatever I think it's courteously? I don't see it as me being controlling to not want to he ditched because he's pissed every Friday but good enough other days...dunno maybe it is?

Yes unfortunately there is! And my mistake it was the bedroom floor apparently not the bathroom - even worse!

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/amibeingunreasonable/5215808-hes-pssed-on-the-bedroom-floor?page=11&reply=140027064

If you do continue to date him - and I personally don’t think you should - please don’t allow this man any more access to your home and family. I assume he’s been around your kids too?

Men who don’t have anywhere to live other than their parents often want to move in pretty quick or at least spend a lot of time at their partners house - out of “love” of course 🙄. It’s very convenient that!

Simply put - he sounds like he’s using you.

I honestly feel you need to take a beat and work on yourself before dating again. Seriously speaking it may not be need to be 8 years, but it doesn’t sound like the time is right now.

You have done well to get away from an abusive partner. Don’t let yourself get sucked into another bad relationship for the sake of both you and your kids.

@Wigglywoowho yeah but your married for a long period of time this is a 6 month relationship where we don't live together and I assume your not out on the lash every Friday?

Geez, another red flag is living with his mother. Do not date anyone who does. His drinking is that bad, he lost his flat most likely. But even worse, if you haven't seen proof it's his mum he lives with, he could already have a partner.
You are going to continue making bad choices if you date people who never show you their home - it's a big red flag. Make that a required minimum to proceed, always, it's basic.

Considering you’re not actually at the pub how do you know he gets absolutely plastered?

I would be very annoyed if I was expected to message and call when I’m out with my friends. It’s quite controlling. You referred to him vanishing. You knew he was out with his friends.

I say this a lot - if your relationship is less than about a year old and you are posting anything about the relationship other than a poorly disguised bragfest then I would strongly consider whether the relationship is worth it.

In this case - “is it a good idea to be in a relationship with a 38 year old functioning alcoholic who lives with his mother when you have two kids”? I am going to go for no!

He lives with his mum???

His only hobby is getting drunk??

It is unreasonable of you to expect text updates or to know his whereabouts at all times. Nothing makes that expectation ok and I'd say your trust issues and attempts to control or influence the behaviour of partners are bigger than you make out.

How do you even have time to text him so much? Aren't you busy or involved in other things? You're prioritising him in your life way too much. I don't at all buy the 'just want to know you got home safe' line. I'd give any partner very short shift if they tried that with me.

Overall you sound nice but insecure and he isn't feeling inspired by this new relationship to get his life together nor does he have any plans for it to develop beyond occassuonal hook ups and texting.

This is not the type of man who is going to take on the role of stepfather. And you're not going to turn him into a responsible parental figure by nagging him nor is there any reason why he should need to give updates to someone he is casually dating!

See this relationship for what it is and cut your cloth accordingly.

@Starso gosh that thread made me feel so sorry for her...thats awful 😖

Yeah...it does really to be honest doesn't it...

Think this the end not doing this anymore. I've asked him just now if he thinks he has a drinking problem his reply is "maybe I do thinking about it"

I'm going to focus on my DD this afternoon and have a nice snuggle time...she had a good time with her dad and came out happy so I'm just praying that continues for her... I'll deal with dp later and make my exit

I think you're angry that he puts drink as a priority over you. As the child of alcoholics you are best advised to drop him, for the drinking alone.

I'm sure if he wasn't a heavy drinker you wouldn't be so anxious about him not messaging if he went out for a dinner with friends instead, for example.

An anxious attachment style is common in child survivors of alcoholism.