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Original poster

New relationship 6 months and already got a situation

197 replies

Walkingback2happiness · 23/11/2024 11:21

Ugh... I'm here again looking for advice and thoughts...
I'm 33 he's 38.
Knew him when we were young he moved out of area and we saw each other on dating app reconnected as friends and progressed from there no offical relationship status but we spend our free time together.

Noticed he's always "nipping" to the pub and is a big binge drinker especially on a Friday. Always gets wasted. When he is out his communication drops, fine, your out seeing your mates I get it but he vanishes till the next morning. Brought this up once, the following Friday he did it again, brought it up again and basically said it bothers me because I don't know where you are, if your home safe, If your home at all etc etc and it would just be nice to not be dropped as soon as your at the pub considering that you ring me most nights and we message quite alot, I have trust issues but not massive and communication is big too me....he knows where I am I'm home with my 2 dcs and I asked if it would bother him if I did what he was doing he said it would and apologised and said he would work on the binge drinking and better communication. (God I sound abit pathetic here don't i)
Anyway he was at the pub again last night, better communication 100% sent me a few messages back and forth, then got to 10 and he vanished, messaged me this morning as normal, I brought up the vanishing and said I assume you got home OK at some point where did you end up going? For clarity he always just says the pub I don't know what pub or where he lives 50 mins away from me.... he responded
"After I was telling a few friends last night how I feel about you and how amazing I think you are, I wake up to this. I get you had a bad night with DS but I havnt done anything" which I felt was abit shit and he also said "I'll speak to you later, I get today is a big day and I hope you're OK and Dd is too. But I feel you're being unfair and taking it out on me cause of the situation today. I didn't message cause I thought you were asleep and got straight into bed soon as I got in. I hope you're ok message me later xxxx" however then said he didn't message because he was wasted and forgot.... situation today is my DD 6 sees her dad who was very abusive to me mentally and physically at the contact centre for the first time in 3 years ish so it's a big deal but not the reason I've made a fuss.

Am I the problem? Should I look at this red flag properly and stop glossing over it? What do you think?

For context he has no kids and has been single 8 years and I am starting to think I made a mistake.

Don't bash me please genuine thoughts without nastiness would be nice today

OP posts:
Original poster
Walkingback2happiness · 27/08/2025 08:47

MyGreyStork · 27/08/2025 01:50

This man isn’t even your boyfriend and this is how he’s acting. Block and move on.

That was the sad reality. Only got worse when he was my boyfriend. I've ended it now but staying away and not caving back into it is where I go wrong

OP posts:
Original poster
Walkingback2happiness · 27/08/2025 08:49

Beautifulbouquet · 23/11/2024 17:43

Listen to yourself: bar one regular day when you're not his top priority he is constantly in touch.

Try appreciating that.

Show quote history

I do! But that's where I feel dropped... soon as his mates are around he totally goes awol if that makes sense

OP posts:
Original poster
Walkingback2happiness · 27/08/2025 08:56

medievalpenny · 26/08/2025 22:42

Which books have you tried? Some are quite heavy.

For complex trauma like yours, I know quite a lot of people swear by Pete Walker's "complex PTSD - from surviving to thriving" as a manageable help yourself book. Carolyn Spring's books are readable but not so much a help book, as something to relate to and process your experiences and reactions.

Emerson and Hopper also have a book called "overcoming trauma through yoga" which is practical - it's not the breathing, chanting and stretching yoga but learning to connect with yourself and feel safe in your body and trust yourself.

I think working towards a position where you are ready and able to pursue trauma therapy is the best route, but in the meantime see if you can find resources to help you process and begin healing. Find little steps you can take because every little step takes you forward.

Freedom Programme is often pushed because it's cheap and the obvious easy thing to recommend when there is so little provision for trauma survivors, but it's a very simplistic and brief series of information sessions which don't actually help many of the women referred to it and only briefly touches on healthy relationships and warning signs at the very end at a superficial level. Despite its good intentions in many cases I think it does more harm than good, especially when it's thrust at traumatised women as some magic fix for their complex trauma.

It's never going to help someone overcome complex trauma like you've experienced - so if there is any part of you giving yourself a hard time for making a mistake here even though you've done the FP, please don't.

Use the mistake as a learning experience and fuel to drive forward your healing. Don't use it to beat yourself up. You deserve compassion from yourself. 💐

Show quote history

Thank you for this reply it has been so helpful.

I have tried to read Pete walkers book however never fully got into it enough because didn't have enough mental space it's still on the shelf then I'll start again....the books I've read are more surface level compared to the ones you've reccomended so I'm going to order the ones you've suggested now!

I agree re. Freedom programme...I felt I knew most of what I learnt already and it left me feeling abit like well durrr kind of thought.

Thank you, I am giving myself a hard time, because I thought I'd progressed better in my self love and boundaries than I have but that's OK just means I still have work to do.

The hurt is still hurting. I've ended the relationship, well, he ended the relationship again due to not being able to trust me because I have a problem that he lies to me, which he had admitted.... anyway its irrelevant for the first time ever when he has shouted at me that it is done and over and leave him alone - I'm going to do just that I'm going to leave him alone I've been emotionally battered and manipulated to death and from now on I protect my peace!!

OP posts:
suitcasesarepacked · 27/08/2025 09:22

I’ve just read the full thread not realising it started last year. Honestly, I think you were given too much of a hard time by some about your texting. If the pattern if your relationship is lots of regular comms then the significant point is it stops suddenly. It’s not weird to continue in the pattern and be confused when it’s not reciprocated.

I also think he’s clearly got an alcohol problem and you really don’t need that in your kids lives or your life. This is the very big issue. On those grounds alone, you need to stay well away from him. There is NOTHING good for you or your kids, by staying. No matter how nice/kind he is - the addiction will always dominate and destroy. Those are his demons to deal with first.

Tell him when he’s been sober two years and moved out of his parents house to get back in touch. But even then I’d be very very wary. I have alcoholism in my family. I would never engage with it if I could avoid it. The idea of starting a relationship with a known alcoholic is just incomprehensible to me.

You are young. You don’t need to settle for damaged and broken.

FeministThrowingAPrincessParty · 27/08/2025 09:23

I think messaging you until 10pm is enough. When I’m out with friends I don’t like to be on my phone.

The bigger issue is whether he has a problem with alcohol. In theory, going to the pub every Friday night is fine if you’re single (although I don’t know why he needs to get so drunk every week). The question is whether he would be willing to change this weekly habit if you move in together down the line. That would be quite a big risk to take with children involved.

CleverMintBee · 27/08/2025 09:33

Be honest with yourself are you worried because you think he might be seeing someone else?
From my experience, if someone has been single for 8 years, it can take time to adjust. You get used to living entirely on your own terms, and shifting into considering another person’s needs doesn’t always happen quickly.

RB68 · 27/08/2025 09:34

I can see both sides - you are asking for too much with the constant message and texting, BUT he is also wrong from how he reacted the next day and made it "your fault" its just not healthy I would ditch focus on the kids and fun dates if you want but I wouldn't get into a big relationship just yet - learn to love yourself and build your own self esteem up, give yourself the right to be happy in your self and not rely on others

Tay596 · 27/08/2025 10:02

OP you want a grown up, responsible, man who is ready to settle down with someone with children. This nearly 40 year old wants to spend all his free time down the pub with his mates like he's still 18. You're completely and utterly wrong for each other, this is not someone you want around your kids.

Please don't fall back into it, you want someone for your kids to look up to. Not someone who has dedicated their life to getting pissed. Block and concentrate on you and the kids, you deserve much better than this.

Original poster
Walkingback2happiness · 27/08/2025 13:42

suitcasesarepacked · 27/08/2025 09:22

I’ve just read the full thread not realising it started last year. Honestly, I think you were given too much of a hard time by some about your texting. If the pattern if your relationship is lots of regular comms then the significant point is it stops suddenly. It’s not weird to continue in the pattern and be confused when it’s not reciprocated.

I also think he’s clearly got an alcohol problem and you really don’t need that in your kids lives or your life. This is the very big issue. On those grounds alone, you need to stay well away from him. There is NOTHING good for you or your kids, by staying. No matter how nice/kind he is - the addiction will always dominate and destroy. Those are his demons to deal with first.

Tell him when he’s been sober two years and moved out of his parents house to get back in touch. But even then I’d be very very wary. I have alcoholism in my family. I would never engage with it if I could avoid it. The idea of starting a relationship with a known alcoholic is just incomprehensible to me.

You are young. You don’t need to settle for damaged and broken.

Thank you for seeing my points regarding contact and going awol!

I agree. I should of been better and stayed away... he is 100% an alcoholic I believe and he now doesn't seem to think so at all... thank you for your kind words x

OP posts:
Notmycircusnotmyotter · 27/08/2025 14:54

I think you're being too full on. I would find it annoying to have to keep in constant contact and check in when I get home like a child.

Notmycircusnotmyotter · 27/08/2025 14:55

Oh gosh sorry should've RTWT

OriginalUsername2 · 27/08/2025 15:00

He did not tell his friends how amazing you were. Blokes like him don’t have those conversations. He’ll be out pulling every Friday.

OriginalUsername2 · 27/08/2025 15:02

Notmycircusnotmyotter · 27/08/2025 14:54

I think you're being too full on. I would find it annoying to have to keep in constant contact and check in when I get home like a child.

This too. You’re not his mum.

Original poster
Walkingback2happiness · 27/08/2025 16:06

FeministThrowingAPrincessParty · 27/08/2025 09:23

I think messaging you until 10pm is enough. When I’m out with friends I don’t like to be on my phone.

The bigger issue is whether he has a problem with alcohol. In theory, going to the pub every Friday night is fine if you’re single (although I don’t know why he needs to get so drunk every week). The question is whether he would be willing to change this weekly habit if you move in together down the line. That would be quite a big risk to take with children involved.

I agree.... or even 1 text during the 6 till whenever the end of the eve is for him....but to drop me completely really left me feeling meh...

Initally he said he "may have a problem with drink" which changed into "I will reduce my drinking I promise if it causes this much concern etc" he did reduce his consumption however it was still ALOT I'm taking at least 5 cans a weeknight and still binges at weekends between 12-18 cans at weekends (don't know how much in the pubs but there was always alot of shots) then we split again and got back together after 2 months in that time he had reduced drinking or so he said but he switched addiction to smoking cannabis (he smoked this before I was with him) over the first month of us being back together his drink consumption increased back to excessive AND he was smoking cannabis, alot of cannabis. So basically he told me what I wanted to hear , and then he curbed it a little then got much worse!!

OP posts:
Original poster
Walkingback2happiness · 27/08/2025 16:07

OriginalUsername2 · 27/08/2025 15:02

This too. You’re not his mum.

Show quote history

It's not constant contact I was looking for if am honest

OP posts:
Original poster
Walkingback2happiness · 27/08/2025 16:08

OriginalUsername2 · 27/08/2025 15:00

He did not tell his friends how amazing you were. Blokes like him don’t have those conversations. He’ll be out pulling every Friday.

I thought this also....or trying to pull but ending up looking like the regular pub pervs...

OP posts:
Original poster
Walkingback2happiness · 27/08/2025 16:10

Tay596 · 27/08/2025 10:02

OP you want a grown up, responsible, man who is ready to settle down with someone with children. This nearly 40 year old wants to spend all his free time down the pub with his mates like he's still 18. You're completely and utterly wrong for each other, this is not someone you want around your kids.

Please don't fall back into it, you want someone for your kids to look up to. Not someone who has dedicated their life to getting pissed. Block and concentrate on you and the kids, you deserve much better than this.

Thank you....your right! I think grown as 40 year ish old men who only do work pub work pub work pub are utterly vile...but yes he told me that wasn't him and it was a cycle he fell into....turns out that's BS and thats who he is...icky.

OP posts:
Original poster
Walkingback2happiness · 27/08/2025 16:13

CleverMintBee · 27/08/2025 09:33

Be honest with yourself are you worried because you think he might be seeing someone else?
From my experience, if someone has been single for 8 years, it can take time to adjust. You get used to living entirely on your own terms, and shifting into considering another person’s needs doesn’t always happen quickly.

No I wasn't worried at all at the time (my original post is from last year we have been together over a year now until recently...however it was on and off because he would leave me everytime I expressed my feelings/emotions in a way he didn't like) I don't think he was seeing other people or cheated on me however I do know he was being flirty with others in the pub and buying girls drinks at times....

It didn't improve over this year together... i deffo isn't about him adjusting after 8 years single although at first I thought it was a possibility but now over a year later - it's deffo not that

OP posts:
FeministThrowingAPrincessParty · 27/08/2025 21:42

Walkingback2happiness · 27/08/2025 16:06

I agree.... or even 1 text during the 6 till whenever the end of the eve is for him....but to drop me completely really left me feeling meh...

Initally he said he "may have a problem with drink" which changed into "I will reduce my drinking I promise if it causes this much concern etc" he did reduce his consumption however it was still ALOT I'm taking at least 5 cans a weeknight and still binges at weekends between 12-18 cans at weekends (don't know how much in the pubs but there was always alot of shots) then we split again and got back together after 2 months in that time he had reduced drinking or so he said but he switched addiction to smoking cannabis (he smoked this before I was with him) over the first month of us being back together his drink consumption increased back to excessive AND he was smoking cannabis, alot of cannabis. So basically he told me what I wanted to hear , and then he curbed it a little then got much worse!!

Show quote history

I’m sorry to hear that OP. That really does sound excessive, and not a positive for your and your children’s lives. Take care of yourself.

Original poster
Walkingback2happiness · 28/08/2025 08:36

FeministThrowingAPrincessParty · 27/08/2025 21:42

I’m sorry to hear that OP. That really does sound excessive, and not a positive for your and your children’s lives. Take care of yourself.

Show quote history

100%...I'm trying... trying to stay no contact and focus on myself and the kids but God it's hard xx

OP posts:
Indicateyourintentions · 28/08/2025 15:56

Well done for putting an end to it. You will always be second when your significant other has an addiction. In his case alcohol will always come first and that will only lead to heartbreak.
Be kind to yourself, as a previous poster explained, it soothes your nervous system. Be proud of yourself; you made a mistake, learned from it and did the hard thing. Onwards and upwards 💪

Original poster
Walkingback2happiness · 28/08/2025 19:02

Indicateyourintentions · 28/08/2025 15:56

Well done for putting an end to it. You will always be second when your significant other has an addiction. In his case alcohol will always come first and that will only lead to heartbreak.
Be kind to yourself, as a previous poster explained, it soothes your nervous system. Be proud of yourself; you made a mistake, learned from it and did the hard thing. Onwards and upwards 💪

Thank you! Just feel so bad and gutted

OP posts:
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