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Original poster

New relationship 6 months and already got a situation

197 replies

Walkingback2happiness · 23/11/2024 11:21

Ugh... I'm here again looking for advice and thoughts...
I'm 33 he's 38.
Knew him when we were young he moved out of area and we saw each other on dating app reconnected as friends and progressed from there no offical relationship status but we spend our free time together.

Noticed he's always "nipping" to the pub and is a big binge drinker especially on a Friday. Always gets wasted. When he is out his communication drops, fine, your out seeing your mates I get it but he vanishes till the next morning. Brought this up once, the following Friday he did it again, brought it up again and basically said it bothers me because I don't know where you are, if your home safe, If your home at all etc etc and it would just be nice to not be dropped as soon as your at the pub considering that you ring me most nights and we message quite alot, I have trust issues but not massive and communication is big too me....he knows where I am I'm home with my 2 dcs and I asked if it would bother him if I did what he was doing he said it would and apologised and said he would work on the binge drinking and better communication. (God I sound abit pathetic here don't i)
Anyway he was at the pub again last night, better communication 100% sent me a few messages back and forth, then got to 10 and he vanished, messaged me this morning as normal, I brought up the vanishing and said I assume you got home OK at some point where did you end up going? For clarity he always just says the pub I don't know what pub or where he lives 50 mins away from me.... he responded
"After I was telling a few friends last night how I feel about you and how amazing I think you are, I wake up to this. I get you had a bad night with DS but I havnt done anything" which I felt was abit shit and he also said "I'll speak to you later, I get today is a big day and I hope you're OK and Dd is too. But I feel you're being unfair and taking it out on me cause of the situation today. I didn't message cause I thought you were asleep and got straight into bed soon as I got in. I hope you're ok message me later xxxx" however then said he didn't message because he was wasted and forgot.... situation today is my DD 6 sees her dad who was very abusive to me mentally and physically at the contact centre for the first time in 3 years ish so it's a big deal but not the reason I've made a fuss.

Am I the problem? Should I look at this red flag properly and stop glossing over it? What do you think?

For context he has no kids and has been single 8 years and I am starting to think I made a mistake.

Don't bash me please genuine thoughts without nastiness would be nice today

OP posts:
Waterboatlass · 23/11/2024 17:28

OP wish him well and concentrate on your own life and problems. Stop deflecting onto his. If he's a drinker, it's not your responsibility so tell him all the next and move on.

Waterboatlass · 23/11/2024 17:28

All the best*

BHTRR · 23/11/2024 17:29

Messaging whilst he is out isn’t something I would do. To be honest I think that’s all a bit much.

However, I don’t think I would want to be with a man who behaves the way he does. That’s the only bit you can influence,

LadyAmroth · 23/11/2024 17:32

SalsaLights · 23/11/2024 12:06

The big issue is that he's a binge drinker - why would you want to get involved, and bring someone like this into your children's' lives?

The secondary problem is that you are using "trust issues" as a reason to justify wanting to know where he is all the time. You don't live together. If you have "trust issues" then it's your responsibility to work on them - not make it someone else's problem by putting a digital leash on them.

Yep

Anothermathstest · 23/11/2024 17:35

My problem with this is that he’s obviously a heavy drinker, most likely an alcoholic. Personally I’d run a mile from that.

I don’t think he should need to keep checking in with you on a night out though. Let him be.

Vax · 23/11/2024 17:38

You're not his mum. You don't need him to let you know he's home safe.

Beautifulbouquet · 23/11/2024 17:43

Walkingback2happiness · 23/11/2024 14:36

@cansu no we have never seen each other Fridays. I work on that day and have the kids home so we don't ever see each other Friday.

Think it's the fact that every other day he is messaging and making contact soon as he is leathered on a Friday he just stops. He knows where I am and what I am doing he wouldn't like it if I did that considering how much we speak day to day. It's constant on a Friday and I feel that's too much

Show quote history

Listen to yourself: bar one regular day when you're not his top priority he is constantly in touch.

Try appreciating that.

Milkand2sugarsplease · 23/11/2024 17:52

This is a whole host of separate issues....

  1. Friday night drinking - in isolation I would say leave him to it, you don't live together, he doesn't need to tell you his whereabouts. If he's genuine, all will be fine.
  1. Number 1 isn't in isolation. He's factoring in a partner (or not) and that partner has children.
  1. His weekday drinking of 6 a night every night is ridiculous when you combine that with you having children and wanting any relationship to develop to a point where you want that person in your children's life. It's not up to him to change for you - he needs to change for him and you need to make choices for your children ie, not this one, let him go until he's made any changes for himself.
  1. I would also possibly argue that he sees your parents having a drinking problem as a positive - it's something you've been around and, in his head, possibly sort of normalised - so he might think he might get it past you for longer than he potentially would get it past someone with no experience of drinking issues. I don't mean get it past you as you not notice, more that you'll tolerate it because you've seen it all before.
Daleksatemyshed · 23/11/2024 18:08

Never mind the texting Op, what's important here is that a man who drinks 6 pints most days is not a good bet for you, your DC or your future. He "thinks" he might have a problem? No he doesn't, he's happy as Larry drinking every day, it's only a problem now you've mentioned it. If he drinks so much, so often, he'll find it really hard to stop, maybe for a while but then the excuses will start.
He's already making you feel insecure, it won't get better Op

Wigglywoowho · 23/11/2024 18:46

Walkingback2happiness · 23/11/2024 13:19

@Wigglywoowho yeah but your married for a long period of time this is a 6 month relationship where we don't live together and I assume your not out on the lash every Friday?

Warning Watch Out GIF

We have never kept tabs on each other. If he had tried to insist on regular contact like that we certainly wouldnt be married now. I would have considered it controlling and ran a mile.

You've been together for 6 months. He survived before you and he'll survive after you.

Also, no one wants to fuck someone who is taking on a parental role.

Original poster
Walkingback2happiness · 24/11/2024 10:59

Thanks for all your advice and support. I didn't speak with him last night I was too exhausted after a worrying day which ended really well for DD so that's a blessing.

I'll speak to him tonight and going to back right off and focus on me.

OP posts:
PrivacyPussyPasta · 24/11/2024 11:19

He sounds like an alcoholic.

You sound a bit suffocating.

It's not going to work out, you're not compatible.

Bananalanacake · 24/11/2024 11:27

You only need to check where he is late on a Friday night if you live together, have children together and he needs to be home by a certain time as you need to go to work/gymn class at 9AM on Saturday. As you don't live together he can do what he wants, when I had BFs I didn't live with I never contacted them on nights out, who cares, not my responsibility. Just don't let him move in with you, ever,

Mrssmith3 · 24/11/2024 13:50

Your lives are different your at home with your kids he is out drinking with his friends. I don’t expect my bf similar amount of time to keep in touch when he is out. I wouldn’t either plus I wouldn’t need to know he is home. As long as I hear from him at some point it’s fine. But maybe consider why you need to keep in touch what are you worried will happen if he doesn’t?

Original poster
Walkingback2happiness · 25/11/2024 08:39

I think my issue is more the constant drinking and Friday binges than the communication. And with the communication feels abit shitty that he gets that wankered so all binge drinking related I think

OP posts:
Wigglywoowho · 25/11/2024 09:31

Walkingback2happiness · 25/11/2024 08:39

I think my issue is more the constant drinking and Friday binges than the communication. And with the communication feels abit shitty that he gets that wankered so all binge drinking related I think

Well decided if you want a relationship with a binge drinker who is constantly fuck faced. Do you want to expose your kids to that?

whathaveiforgotten · 25/11/2024 09:46

Walkingback2happiness · 25/11/2024 08:39

I think my issue is more the constant drinking and Friday binges than the communication. And with the communication feels abit shitty that he gets that wankered so all binge drinking related I think

So do you want a relationship with a binge drinker who gets frequently 'wankered'? Shouldn't that be the concerning part, rather than just the lack of communication when he is wankered?

You've been through a lot. Your children need stability and safety.

You proactively choosing to continue a relationship with a problem drinker is not in any of your best interests. At all.

Frith2013 · 25/11/2024 10:58

An extremely heavy drinker who can't even cook?

No thanks.

TheTruthICantSay · 25/11/2024 12:33

YABU to have a problem with a boyfriend of six months not texting after 10pm on a night out with friends who doesn't live with you etc.

YANBU to think that perhaps his drinking is excessive and not something you want to be part of.

Original poster
Walkingback2happiness · 27/11/2024 07:53

Just out of interest how many of you would have a problem with a partner binge drinking regularly?

Also an update I've called it off and finished. It's a shame but he crossed a big boundary...binge drinking regularly for me is icky

OP posts:
Original poster
Walkingback2happiness · 27/11/2024 08:03

Another update after reading some more posts I missed.

It's not that I need him to message me when he's out with his mates it's more that I'm good enough when his pals ain't avaible to him but when the lads are all together or whatever I just get dropped...regularly...if this was a thing that happened every other week or less it wouldn't bother me but its regular...if the lads ain't at the pub he is constantly making effort but I just feel dropped the second the lads are out.... its not the biggest issue the drinking is my bigger issue but thats my point more than the need to have him communicate I don't know if that makes sense

OP posts:
LightSpeeds · 27/11/2024 08:04

Walkingback2happiness · 27/11/2024 07:53

Just out of interest how many of you would have a problem with a partner binge drinking regularly?

Also an update I've called it off and finished. It's a shame but he crossed a big boundary...binge drinking regularly for me is icky

Well done!

Original poster
Walkingback2happiness · 27/11/2024 08:25

@LightSpeeds
Thank you...I felt so guilty 😔 guess that's my issue though...not good at reinforcing boundaries clearly haha

OP posts:
Daleksatemyshed · 27/11/2024 08:25

You've been wise to break up Op, when it's only been 6 months and it's already a problem then it's time to end it. He drinks too much and its a slippery slope, why would you want all the problems that brings?