New relationship 6 months and already got a situation

[Walkingback2happiness]

Ugh... I'm here again looking for advice and thoughts...
I'm 33 he's 38.
Knew him when we were young he moved out of area and we saw each other on dating app reconnected as friends and progressed from there no offical relationship status but we spend our free time together.

Noticed he's always "nipping" to the pub and is a big binge drinker especially on a Friday. Always gets wasted. When he is out his communication drops, fine, your out seeing your mates I get it but he vanishes till the next morning. Brought this up once, the following Friday he did it again, brought it up again and basically said it bothers me because I don't know where you are, if your home safe, If your home at all etc etc and it would just be nice to not be dropped as soon as your at the pub considering that you ring me most nights and we message quite alot, I have trust issues but not massive and communication is big too me....he knows where I am I'm home with my 2 dcs and I asked if it would bother him if I did what he was doing he said it would and apologised and said he would work on the binge drinking and better communication. (God I sound abit pathetic here don't i)
Anyway he was at the pub again last night, better communication 100% sent me a few messages back and forth, then got to 10 and he vanished, messaged me this morning as normal, I brought up the vanishing and said I assume you got home OK at some point where did you end up going? For clarity he always just says the pub I don't know what pub or where he lives 50 mins away from me.... he responded
"After I was telling a few friends last night how I feel about you and how amazing I think you are, I wake up to this. I get you had a bad night with DS but I havnt done anything" which I felt was abit shit and he also said "I'll speak to you later, I get today is a big day and I hope you're OK and Dd is too. But I feel you're being unfair and taking it out on me cause of the situation today. I didn't message cause I thought you were asleep and got straight into bed soon as I got in. I hope you're ok message me later xxxx" however then said he didn't message because he was wasted and forgot.... situation today is my DD 6 sees her dad who was very abusive to me mentally and physically at the contact centre for the first time in 3 years ish so it's a big deal but not the reason I've made a fuss.

Am I the problem? Should I look at this red flag properly and stop glossing over it? What do you think?

For context he has no kids and has been single 8 years and I am starting to think I made a mistake.

Don't bash me please genuine thoughts without nastiness would be nice today

I really don't understand.
Is your issue that he doesn't see you on Fridays?
Presumably you go out on other evenings together?
I would not be sending texts after 9 or 10 pm when I was out. However I also would not be texting all the time on other days either.

I think his Friday nights are a habit and probably helped him not be lonely.
I think messaging him whilst he's out (as you don't live together) is intense.
I think he could reduce all.these from Friday nights out if he wanted to. But they seem important to him for either social/wanting to drink.

You might be wanting different things.
What's the rest of relationship like?

He will never be able to keep you happy if your requirement is that he is in constant contact by text no matter what he’s doing or who he’s with. Back off, you’re not his parole officer.

Oh no, you've brought this man into your kids home? Please read up on safeguarding and parenting traumatised children OP. Have you done the Freedom Course and had therapy? Your kids will need trauma-centred therapy, too.

Eek, maybe I misunderstood, is this you underage child you want to message you hourly??
I thi k it's very immature/ insecure to expect anyone to check in with you so often and only on your terms.
What do you want anyway, he checked in a few times, but then stopped?
Why do you want to know if he's home safe? So if he doesn't message you, you'd assume something went wrong? So you can raise the alarm? Go pick him up? Do something if he is unsafe?
Well you didn't do anything last night or the times before he didn't message you so really, what are you hoping to achieve by making him message you every hour like you're his parole officer.
It's infantilising.. Especially as there's no reason, like you demonstrated. And phoning evey night is not a reason to phone when you're out. He's out with friends why do you need to hog that time.

On another note, I don't think the drinking is a good idea at all. 38 and still getting wasted every Friday. Huge red flag for me and I def won't be going of with him

But the fact that he's not messaged you he is out and you insisting on his time sounds controlling and is normally the start of isolating someone. That's a red flag from your side. Sorry.

I don’t know what the issue is with your ex and DD as you haven’t said here, but ultimately he’s a binge drinker. Even if he stayed in constant contact, he’s still a binge drinker. That alone would make me walk.

And ultimately, you say you haven’t made your relationship status official but you spend time together, so in truth you’re not actually in a relationship, even though the time you spend together makes it seem like you are.

But….

He’s a binge drinker. That’s all you need to know.

This. He binge drinks weekly. That's a 'take it or leave it' situation as far as I can see. I suggest you leave it, but other people might be ok with it if it never crept up and was a routine social thing.

You don't get to be angry with him for not telling you which pub. What possible difference does that make to you? It's very controlling and makes it seem like you think he needs to be thinking about you and responding to you every moment.

Exactly, it’s miserable isn’t it? Just imagine that could be your future if you stay with him 😕 good thing you still have a chance to make a clean break before he gets his feet firmly under your table.

We often attract what we grew up with. If your parents were alcoholic and abusive (intentionally or not) it’s not surprising you’ve had a pattern of bad relationships. Please consider looking into this via therapy.

Good to hear your daughter had a nice time.

I wish you all the best in exiting this situation and making the right decisions for you and your kids. You all deserve better.

Honestly, I'd run a mile from someone who felt the need to know where I was constantly 6 months in!

If you're not on board with the drinking though, then that's fair enough.

My husband likes me to text when I'm on my way home and tbh I find that to be plenty of contact when I'm out. He does the same. If either of us are sending loads of texts I'd assume it was a bad night (we might occasionally send a photo of something the other one might appreciate or share any exciting news, but that's enough).
Is part of the problem that he's going out drinking instead of spending time with you? Or is that not possible due to your kids?

You come from an alcoholic family home and you've come out of a really bad relationship.

It's always a good idea to assess a new relationship in that light, knowing that your boundaries might be a bit skewed and you might be glad of someone who's even occasionally nice to you and might not be able to recognise red flags immediately.

What you have here is a man who lives with his mum and is an extremely heavy drinker. He's unreliable when he's drinking, too.

Please don't do this to yourself or your children. I'm sure that this guy is OK in many ways, but he is not a responsible or reliable man. If you stay with him he'll move in and every penny you have will be spent on alcohol. You'll do all the housework. You'll have rows (inevitably) which your children will witness. That is the very last thing they want or need.

Focus on creating a safe happy space for yourself and your children. Treat this as a period of recovery. Dump this complete loser and do the Freedom Programme - Just a moment...

You are entitled to respect and consideration. You deserve to be treated well. You don't deserve to have a relationship with an alcoholic who lives with his mum and your children don't deserve to have him in their lives, either.

I don’t see the problem, leave him be out with his friends

I think I’d be frustrated by how much communication you expect when he’s out. But if it’s a hard boundary for you, clearly you aren’t compatible.

You've just swapped one abuser for another man who has alcohol problems, do your kids deserve that? Do they have to pay the price for the choices you are making?
I think you need to step away from relationships for a bit, work out what's healthy and normal and then tread very carefully. Your kids are SO little, and extremely wrong and unfair to want to bring situations into their lives. Come on op, don't you think you and your dc deserve better?

^. This

looks likely this should have stayed at the friends stage, you are not on the same page at all, you deserve a different and better partner than this one.

He's not a suitable partner for you OP, the heavy and habitual drinking doesn't necessarily make him a bad person but it really isn't what YOU need in your life so I think you should end this situationship. You're trying to manage the anxiety and mess it brings by getting him to check in when he's at home etc but that doesn't solve the issue. He isn't a stable partner. Why not wait until you find someone who wants to do things other than piss away his evenings? I don't like to be so stark but if it's so regular it sounds addictive. Do you want to watch it make him very ill indeed? Cut your losses.

More importantly, focus on yourself and your children.

@Dotto yes exactly.... but I just know that on Fridays he's gonna get absolutely blottoed and vanish... if it was a occasion like I say I'd expect that to a degree or a meal like you say I'd expect no contact but yes your right

@MounjaroUser thank you this was a really nice message and really did hit home thank you so much

It reminds me of when I was used to being single. I still wanted to go out and get drunk at weekends with my mates. In itself he's just doing what he's always done. Frankly you know he's out on the lash, you don't need hourly check ins. You don't really think he's dead each time he doesn't respond? You've got kids and he rightly said he thought you might be in bed. To me personally it wouldn't be the worst red flag. But then again I have no kids and also used to like going out partying.

Why do I feel so guilty fml fml fml

I wouldn't even stay friends with him. If he thinks you're his friend he'll want sex, he'll want money, and he'll want to sleep on the sofa when his mum has finally had enough of him.

This. I don’t message my husband when I am out with friends and I don’t expect him to message me, in fact I would find it very annoying.

I think him having no kids has let me ignore this for a lot longer than I would of done normally as yeah he has nothing else to do HOWEVER what I want is not what he is currently doing. I like to party but not every weekend - its just not what I want and I hold no nasty feelings to those with kids or without who do it and that's what they want it's just not for me.. its bloody complicated in my head right now 😕

It's not constantly not like I want back and forth messages maybe even just a message when he's home and he's had a good night would be good... not a conversation. If it were me I'd probs be sending him a pic of me before I went out and an update of where I went next and a home message like a check in.. people are different though