New relationship 6 months and already got a situation

[Walkingback2happiness]

Ugh... I'm here again looking for advice and thoughts...
I'm 33 he's 38.
Knew him when we were young he moved out of area and we saw each other on dating app reconnected as friends and progressed from there no offical relationship status but we spend our free time together.

Noticed he's always "nipping" to the pub and is a big binge drinker especially on a Friday. Always gets wasted. When he is out his communication drops, fine, your out seeing your mates I get it but he vanishes till the next morning. Brought this up once, the following Friday he did it again, brought it up again and basically said it bothers me because I don't know where you are, if your home safe, If your home at all etc etc and it would just be nice to not be dropped as soon as your at the pub considering that you ring me most nights and we message quite alot, I have trust issues but not massive and communication is big too me....he knows where I am I'm home with my 2 dcs and I asked if it would bother him if I did what he was doing he said it would and apologised and said he would work on the binge drinking and better communication. (God I sound abit pathetic here don't i)
Anyway he was at the pub again last night, better communication 100% sent me a few messages back and forth, then got to 10 and he vanished, messaged me this morning as normal, I brought up the vanishing and said I assume you got home OK at some point where did you end up going? For clarity he always just says the pub I don't know what pub or where he lives 50 mins away from me.... he responded
"After I was telling a few friends last night how I feel about you and how amazing I think you are, I wake up to this. I get you had a bad night with DS but I havnt done anything" which I felt was abit shit and he also said "I'll speak to you later, I get today is a big day and I hope you're OK and Dd is too. But I feel you're being unfair and taking it out on me cause of the situation today. I didn't message cause I thought you were asleep and got straight into bed soon as I got in. I hope you're ok message me later xxxx" however then said he didn't message because he was wasted and forgot.... situation today is my DD 6 sees her dad who was very abusive to me mentally and physically at the contact centre for the first time in 3 years ish so it's a big deal but not the reason I've made a fuss.

Am I the problem? Should I look at this red flag properly and stop glossing over it? What do you think?

For context he has no kids and has been single 8 years and I am starting to think I made a mistake.

Don't bash me please genuine thoughts without nastiness would be nice today

It's definitely a problem!

@cansu no we have never seen each other Fridays. I work on that day and have the kids home so we don't ever see each other Friday.

Think it's the fact that every other day he is messaging and making contact soon as he is leathered on a Friday he just stops. He knows where I am and what I am doing he wouldn't like it if I did that considering how much we speak day to day. It's constant on a Friday and I feel that's too much

You sound controlling, I realise you don't mean to be, but think that's how it would come across to him.

He's in a completely different phase of life to you - still out with friends on Friday nights and things getting a bit boozy. I don't think that makes him an alcoholic. This is the difference between going through major, life altering events, like becoming a parent together, and not - you haven't grown together. You've been off living separate and very differen lives, it's unreasonable of you to expect him to behave like he's lived a life he hasn't and has, responsibilities that he doesn't.

@Pancakeflipper yeah that... the rest of the relationship is nice, he can't cook so when we stay in together I cook he does the pots, he constantly asks me if I want help with anything he's kind and nice.

I'm not asking for constant messages and the fact I've already said I don't like the drinking sessions every Friday and he said he didn't either and needs to change it and then has made no moves to change it is the issue too the drinking mostly not the messages...

You sound controlling, I realise you don't mean to be, but think that's how it would come across to him

I think that's unfair and untrue.

The OP has alcohol-related trauma in her past and this is evident in the way she responds to this man's alcoholism.

Let's not dress it up as anything else.

@Walkingback2happiness your focus must be your DC.
This man will never be a good father to them. He's too needy and selfish.

@AmICrazyToEvenBother I think your right.

For example he's invited me to his works do next Saturday he works for his brother so will be seeing his brothers again (knew them previously) and of course ill have a glass of whatever or 2 however I have children coming home 11.30 the next day so I'll be mindful of that, he obviously will not have that responsibility he will be with me on the Sunday when kids come back, as my friend, but I'll be back to mum mode and he's obviously going to be hungover - although he always appears fine and no hangover.

I am not at all surprised to see that your parents are both alcoholics; this current dysfunctional mess you have walked into is yet another version of the familiar to you because you grew up seeing alcoholism. Your childhood set you up good and proper into tacitly accepting abusive and otherwise dysfunctional relationships. You have no idea what a mutually respectful relationship is because no-one bothered to show you or actually bothered with you as a child. Your parents failed you abjectly.

Your child now needs one functioning parent - that will have to be you because your ex is abusive.

Seek therapy and be on your own. You do not need a man to validate your existence. Make your children and yourself the number 1 priorities here - not your abusive ex or this current drunkard man. You will further wreak your life if you continue to have any form of relationship with this current man.

You're planning on going to his works do?.

@TheShellBeach thank you so much. He knows about my parents alcoholism aswell...

You are right...

I know some posters are saying this isn't a problem, but to me it IS a problem, and it's obviously a problem to you, too. Honestly, OP, it's been 6 months, block, delete, move on - you don't want to tie yourself to him with a long term relationship.

The only way I would continue the relationship is if he started going to AA and went teetotal or was reducing alcohol with help of GP with the goal of going teetotal within weeks. He would have to do this proactively off his own back, because he wants to, without my asking AT ALL. It's unlikely however that he will do this though, so that's that really.

Would you yourself call your parents good parents OP?. They were not were they?. Sadly no-one in your life protected you from all their shit and it shows but you have a child and your responsibility is to that person as well as your own self now.

Same with this man now; he will never be able to give you what you want from a relationship because his primary relationship is with drink. His thoughts centre around drink and where the next drink is going to come from. Most, if not all, the socialising he does involve alcohol; the pub, this works do etc. Its not with you and it will never be with you either. He likely targeted you deliberately because of your own poor boundaries and the fact that you are a single mother. Some men really do think that single mothers will put up with any old shit because they are that desperate for a man.

All these problems just 6 months in...hardly seems worth it, esp for someone who lives with his mum and cant live without drink

Hate to say it, but its also too soon for him to have met your dc at this point as well, whether he has a drink.problem or not.

You can split with him amicably. Just say you've realised you and your DC are not ready for a man in their lives, especially that one that drinks so heavily
I know it's tempting to have someone to go out with and no doubt you're looking forward to the works do next week but I'd strongly advise you to not go.
If he's promising to address his alcohol problem then tell him to come back to you when he's done it. Words are cheap. I'm sorry OP but I think deep down you know we're all right in urging you to end the relationship. Good luck

Consider texting him to say this is no longer working for you and wish him well. Then block him.

And you are not controlling in my view. Instead you are codependent which is also ideal for such like this current man to sink their claws into.

He’s 38 and he has moved back in with his mum and has you grumbling that you don’t know that he has got home safely. The man is going to be 40 soon but he is living the life of an errant teenager. I wouldn’t want to be saddled with him.

If it's a trust issue it's either all in your mind, he's just enjoying time with his friends and doesn't want to be tied to his phone all night. Or
IF he is the cheating type he will do it whether he's going to the toilet and texting you to say he's just with his friends or going silent on you until the following day. This is all on him, it's nothing you can control.

So the way I see it is you have 3 options which you can control;

1. Continue as you are and drive yourself and him mad once a week.
2. Relax, try and trust him until you have a real reason not to. Enjoy your own Friday evening, if you can't go out because of your DC then invite friends over or have a bit of a pamper and an early night.
3. End the relationship now.

I personally always listen to my gut instincts on this, look at him when you talk about it face to face, I can smell a liar.

Anyway, hope it goes well today.

He drinks too much.

You’re utterly overbearing.

Split up and work on understanding why you need hourly contact with your partner when he’s out on a night out.

You do not live with him. You've been together six months. Why are you expecting regular updates when he's out with his friends or doing other things?

Aside from that, you say he was messaging you up until 10pm, and then again this morning. But that's still not enough in your eyes?

You need to loosen the reigns. I wouldn't tolerate that level of controlling behaviour from a partner, especially one who didn't live with me and therefore had no reasonable excuse for needing to know when I'd be home etc

The honeymoon period didn't last long.
I think he's always been this man and you are just seeing him warts and all now.
Maybe it's the same for him?
If you don't want a man who drinks large quantities of alcohol weekly then end things.
I wouldn’t be in any sort of relationship with a man who drank that much.

You are being very unreasonable to expect him to communicate with you on his nights out and are at high risk of making yourself seem in the wrong.
Which is a great pity, because I think you're like this because of the greater 'wong' (for you) of his behaviour. While you are parenting two children, he is living the life of a single 20 something. He isn't even your 'boyfriend' is he? He's just got his options wide open to do as he likes with the 'girlfriend experience' provided by you on the boring week nights.
This isn't a situation a lot of women would be happy with, particularly when the guy is a disappearing binge drinker. So I'm wondering whether what you're trying to do is exert some control here and try to shape this into something a bit mord like what you want?
My advice? Don't bother. He won't change and become partner material so there's no point trying to impose 'girlfriend' type requirements on him. Either keep it casual or find a real relationship.

6 pints a day!! And it's 'just a minor problem that he'll sort FOR YOU"

How did you get to 6 months? You need a better filtering system if you have kids.

Your poor kids.
Abusive father, now they have an alcoholic in their lives to replace him.
Some children have no chance.

Well yes, it's a problem now OP has added further detail

This man has an alcohol problem... full stop.
You do not need that in your life.
And your kids do not deserve it.
Lose him.
Raise your standards.