New relationship 6 months and already got a situation

[Walkingback2happiness]

Ugh... I'm here again looking for advice and thoughts...
I'm 33 he's 38.
Knew him when we were young he moved out of area and we saw each other on dating app reconnected as friends and progressed from there no offical relationship status but we spend our free time together.

Noticed he's always "nipping" to the pub and is a big binge drinker especially on a Friday. Always gets wasted. When he is out his communication drops, fine, your out seeing your mates I get it but he vanishes till the next morning. Brought this up once, the following Friday he did it again, brought it up again and basically said it bothers me because I don't know where you are, if your home safe, If your home at all etc etc and it would just be nice to not be dropped as soon as your at the pub considering that you ring me most nights and we message quite alot, I have trust issues but not massive and communication is big too me....he knows where I am I'm home with my 2 dcs and I asked if it would bother him if I did what he was doing he said it would and apologised and said he would work on the binge drinking and better communication. (God I sound abit pathetic here don't i)
Anyway he was at the pub again last night, better communication 100% sent me a few messages back and forth, then got to 10 and he vanished, messaged me this morning as normal, I brought up the vanishing and said I assume you got home OK at some point where did you end up going? For clarity he always just says the pub I don't know what pub or where he lives 50 mins away from me.... he responded
"After I was telling a few friends last night how I feel about you and how amazing I think you are, I wake up to this. I get you had a bad night with DS but I havnt done anything" which I felt was abit shit and he also said "I'll speak to you later, I get today is a big day and I hope you're OK and Dd is too. But I feel you're being unfair and taking it out on me cause of the situation today. I didn't message cause I thought you were asleep and got straight into bed soon as I got in. I hope you're ok message me later xxxx" however then said he didn't message because he was wasted and forgot.... situation today is my DD 6 sees her dad who was very abusive to me mentally and physically at the contact centre for the first time in 3 years ish so it's a big deal but not the reason I've made a fuss.

Am I the problem? Should I look at this red flag properly and stop glossing over it? What do you think?

For context he has no kids and has been single 8 years and I am starting to think I made a mistake.

Don't bash me please genuine thoughts without nastiness would be nice today

Goodness op, where's you sense of responsibility to your kids? You are bringing this man into your life. Where do you have the time to sort out his drinking problems? And more importantly why do you even entertain this. Seriously you need to work on healthy boundaries- because anyone who has this wouldn't have even given him a month.

That series of messages tells you all you need to know.

He's minimising his alcoholism.

Bin him off.

but I just know that on Fridays he's gonna get absolutely blottoed and vanish

Nobody’s vanishing. It’s not a magic trick. He’s at the pub socialising with his friends and there’s nothing wrong with that. Why are you dating someone who you think isn’t even capable of getting themselves home?

Control dressed up as concern is still control.

I also think you are being controlling.
If my boyfriend was out with his friends enjoying himself never in a million years would I be sitting at home expecting to hear from him during the evening. It would not cross my mind to wonder what he's doing and whether he got home safely.

He says he is going to sort the drinking problem 'for you'. Nope. That is not how it works.

If he really understands he has a problem with alcohol, he needs to want to sort it out for himself. If it is just something he is doing 'for you', it means he doesn't really think it is a problem, and it is you who are stopping him from drinking, going out with his mates, having fun/getting pissed. He will resent you and blame you for it because you just want him to be miserable and sober... And so on.

If he is managing to make you feel guilty just with a few text messages, imagine the future.

End it now. If he turns up again in a year or two and is actually sober and a decent guy, then fine, try again, but I wouldn't hold my breath.

@Walkingback2happiness I think you need an honest conversation with him. Explain the reasons why you don't want him out every Friday, in a rational non judgemental way. See if there's a compromise, every second Friday for example? But it's really up to you to see if he's willing to acknowledge your feelings and then go from there. If he just totally shuts it down it's not a great sign really for long term. I hope you can find the right way to move forward x

Btw, I think your communication expectations are a bit high and controlling for a 6-month relationship, but that is not the real problem here.

Life is too short to waste on situations like this.

Before everyone piles on to agree he’s an alcoholic, how much is he actually drinking?

Would he like it if I did what he does...no.. therefor this is an issue

If you think he has an alcohol problem why are you letting him near your children?
Put them first!!! EVERY time.

@SoloSofa24 which bit do you feel is too much

You’re the red flag OP.

You don’t live together. You’re not even his girlfriend FFS. It’s been six months. He doesn’t owe you an explanation of where he is, what he’s doing and what time he gets home.

Does he have a problem with drinking or are you dressing it up this way?

I have no problem with a man or women who live alone popping to the pub a few times a week for a pint and some company or for a night out on a Friday. I have a problem with a person who messages constantly and demands replies instantly. He’s 38 years old, he’s doesn’t have to tell a girlfriend of 6 months where he is all the time. The red flags are yours OP. You’re suffocating.

OP called him a binge drinker, said he drinks at home every day, goes to the pub several times a week and gets wasted every Friday night. What would you call that?

Why is he not allowed to go out? They don’t live together. He is his own person and is out socialising with his friends.

You feel guilty because you've got some kind of fucked up codependency going on, probably going right back to your upbringing in an alcoholic family.

This guy is a total waste of space. You've said he goes out getting pissed because while he was single he "had nothing else to do". So he has no interests outside getting drunk. What the hell attracted you to him?

You've escaped an abusive relationship, your DD has to see her abusive father in a contact centre, but six months into this relationship you've already brought this alcoholic man into your child's home. You don't even know where he lives!

@fruitbrewhaha I didn't say he wasn't allowed. I was saying I was that person myself. But if she is bothered by it she should be honest. If the relationship has legs he might realise there's a compromise to be had? Surely that's not unreasonable.

Is that a reply to my second message about communication?

I think that six months into a relationship, I would expect to be able to switch off for an evening with friends and not be expected to message my new partner multiple times over the course of the evening. You sound quite insecure, and needing constant reassurance can feel like control to the person on the receiving end.

I might expect to exchange a few texts after returning home/at bedtime, but clearly he is pissed and not capable of texting by that point. Which is why I think (from what you said in other posts) that the bigger problem here is his drinking. But overall, six months in, this relationship does not look like it is going anywhere.

OP called him a binge drinker, said he drinks at home every day, goes to the pub several times a week and gets wasted every Friday night. What would you call that?

People have different ideas about what wasted means. Which is why I asked the op factually how much he is actually drinking.

Would you class someone who drinks everyday approx 6 pints as someone who has a drinking problem?

I haven't said its constantly we will be having a conversation over a couple of hours and he all of sudden vanishes. He doesn't do this in the week when at the pub.

If he is drinking that amount just get rid.

Of course someone who drinks 6 pints a day has a drinking problem! Do you think that's normal behaviour?

To clarify he drinks approx 6 pints a night in the week every night and goes to the pub ontop of that innthe week for a pint or 2. Fridays he's wasted as in absolutely gone, staggering slurring messy pissed and then he will drink Saturday and Sunday also.

Obviously I don't know exactly figures but this is what he's told me and what I have seen for myself

I would. 100% I got asked if I was dressing it up as a drinking problem so I asked for clarification on if they would say I am or not. I think it is!