Page 7 | New relationship 6 months and already got a situation

Walkingback2happiness · 2024-11-23T11:21:38+00:00

Ugh... I'm here again looking for advice and thoughts... I'm 33 he's 38. Knew him when we were young he moved out of area and we saw each other on dating app reconnected as friends and progressed from there no offical relationship status but we spend our free time together. Noticed he's always "nipping" to the pub and is a big binge drinker especially on a Friday. Always gets wasted. When he is out his communication drops, fine, your out seeing your mates I get it but he vanishes till the next morning. Brought this up once, the following Friday he did it again, brought it up again and basically said it bothers me because I don't know where you are, if your home safe, If your home at all etc etc and it would just be nice to not be dropped as soon as your at the pub considering that you ring me most nights and we message quite alot, I have trust issues but not massive and communication is big too me....he knows where I am I'm home with my 2 dcs and I asked if it would bother him if I did what he was doing he said it would and apologised and said he would work on the binge drinking and better communication. (God I sound abit pathetic here don't i) Anyway he was at the pub again last night, better communication 100% sent me a few messages back and forth, then got to 10 and he vanished, messaged me this morning as normal, I brought up the vanishing and said I assume you got home OK at some point where did you end up going? For clarity he always just says the pub I don't know what pub or where he lives 50 mins away from me.... he responded "After I was telling a few friends last night how I feel about you and how amazing I think you are, I wake up to this. I get you had a bad night with DS but I havnt done anything" which I felt was abit shit and he also said "I'll speak to you later, I get today is a big day and I hope you're OK and Dd is too. But I feel you're being unfair and taking it out on me cause of the situation today. I didn't message cause I thought you were asleep and got straight into bed soon as I got in. I hope you're ok message me later xxxx" however then said he didn't message because he was wasted and forgot.... situation today is my DD 6 sees her dad who was very abusive to me mentally and physically at the contact centre for the first time in 3 years ish so it's a big deal but not the reason I've made a fuss. Am I the problem? Should I look at this red flag properly and stop glossing over it? What do you think? For context he has no kids and has been single 8 years and I am starting to think I made a mistake. Don't bash me please genuine thoughts without nastiness would be nice today

dontcryformeargentina · 27/11/2024 08:37

I see two issues here: 1) he is an alcoholic , 2) you are not his mummy . Don't behave like one.
This man is liability, you need a man who will make your life better, not worse

PeggyMitchellsCameo · 27/11/2024 09:01

Him saying he has a problem perhaps and will sort it out ‘for you’ is empty. Watch this week’s Panorama about binge drinking. This man is killing himself and is clearly an alcoholic. And if you have been around one, which you have and many of us have, they will call you constantly and have no idea of what they are saying.

You have done the right thing in walking away. You already left an abusive relationship.

This man is living with his mother, bless her whoever she is, and is wasting his life away. He is single because his most important relationship is with drink.

Hope you are able to move on in a positive way and enjoy Christmas as a lovely mum. You deserve much better than this. Take your time, take time out from dating, and know you have done the right thing.

Whotowin · 27/11/2024 09:28

He is drinking a lot. I don’t see how he could hold down a relationship going to the pub so much and drinking so heavily.

I went out briefly with a man who was similar except he was 53! He had moved back in with his parents too. He went to the pub every night and he had a big bright red face to show for it. He used to tell me how popular he was except really he was the laughing stock as people in the local used to enjoy watching someone acting stupid for their amusement. It’s quite sad really.

I think you did the right thing calling it off. He doesn’t have the lifestyle to suit you and yes he does have a problem with alcohol.

Wigglywoowho · 27/11/2024 10:54

Walkingback2happiness · 27/11/2024 08:03

Another update after reading some more posts I missed.

It's not that I need him to message me when he's out with his mates it's more that I'm good enough when his pals ain't avaible to him but when the lads are all together or whatever I just get dropped...regularly...if this was a thing that happened every other week or less it wouldn't bother me but its regular...if the lads ain't at the pub he is constantly making effort but I just feel dropped the second the lads are out.... its not the biggest issue the drinking is my bigger issue but thats my point more than the need to have him communicate I don't know if that makes sense

I dont think people missed the point. I think they commented based on what you wrote in your first post.

if the lads ain't at the pub he is constantly making effort but I just feel dropped the second the lads are out...

I think this is an issue ONLY if he's making plans to see you and then dropping you because he gets a better offer.

If he's out with the lads and then dort of forgetting about you I dont see an issue. You've been together for 6 months. You're not married. Your not living together and you don't have any joint responsibilities. You aren't the centre of hos world and honestly I really don't think you should be.

Anyway, I'm please you dumped him. You and your kids don't need the headache of dealing with a heavy drinker.

TwistedWonder · 27/11/2024 10:56

The heavy drinking would stop me entering a relationship with someone but I wouldn’t expect communication if they’re in a night out with friends.

Justalittle1 · 27/11/2024 11:21

You don’t need another child to raise. Stay well away the drink will always come first. He needs to go and sort himself out first on his own. He can’t even see that he is already completely dysfunctional, entering a relationship with a mum and kids, bringing his dysfunction into your family. You need to shore up your boundaries, hard and fast because dysfunctional people won’t and can’t respect them. I’ve had a hard life, childhood neglect and abusive marriage with a shared child and then therapy. No one on this earth is coming into my family with their nonsense. It’s difficult but we have to be the barrier keeping these people away from our children. Don’t waste any of your energy on fixing or helping him. A simple sorry this isn’t going to work as I need to keep my children’s lives as positive as possible. Let this one go!

Justalittle1 · 27/11/2024 11:23

Just to add the right relationships don’t bring out the trauma in us, they make us feel safe and our trauma behaviours don’t need to surface….listen to yourself, you are normal and your body is telling you what to do!

TheShellBeach · 27/11/2024 15:12

I understood everything you wrote about the texts, etc.

I'm so sorry it's ended, but you've absolutely done the right thing.

Original poster

Walkingback2happiness · 28/11/2024 07:34

TheShellBeach · 27/11/2024 15:12

I understood everything you wrote about the texts, etc.

I'm so sorry it's ended, but you've absolutely done the right thing.

Thank you chick

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Original poster

Walkingback2happiness · 28/11/2024 07:35

Thank you everyone

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Oblahdeeoblahdoe · 28/11/2024 11:20

Well done, you've done the right thing

Original poster

Walkingback2happiness · 26/08/2025 18:41

If anyone is still here....I went back after I left....he left me 3 more times due to me expressing my feelings about him drinking and not liking it and his communication got worse and worse. Eventually found out that he had started lying to me about where he was when he was in the pub... I was stupid

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outerspacepotato · 26/08/2025 18:47

I would not be ok with the constant communication you want. I find it clingy and controlling. He's a big boy and can get home on his own.

I think the real red flag in your relationship is his binge drinking. Having grown up with an alcoholic parent and numerous alcoholic "uncles" I avoid men with substance abuse issues. You have 2 kids.

You're better off without this one.

medievalpenny · 26/08/2025 19:00

Walkingback2happiness · 26/08/2025 18:41

If anyone is still here....I went back after I left....he left me 3 more times due to me expressing my feelings about him drinking and not liking it and his communication got worse and worse. Eventually found out that he had started lying to me about where he was when he was in the pub... I was stupid

Someone up thread suggested the Freedom Programme to you.

I wouldn't necessarily recommend that myself as it's simplistic and not therapy, but what professional support have you had to deal with your trauma and history of abuse? Have you had trauma therapy?

I think some support to break these patterns would be worth exploring.

Original poster

Walkingback2happiness · 26/08/2025 19:14

medievalpenny · 26/08/2025 19:00

Someone up thread suggested the Freedom Programme to you.

I wouldn't necessarily recommend that myself as it's simplistic and not therapy, but what professional support have you had to deal with your trauma and history of abuse? Have you had trauma therapy?

I think some support to break these patterns would be worth exploring.

Show quote history

Thank you for replying.

I've done the freedom programme twice....

I have started therapy a few times and my childcare always falls through so I have to stop because I literally don't have any support with my kids....

I have childhood trauma, and trauma from every single relationship I've ever been in... is there any good books ? I've read some but I struggle...

I'm so heartbroken over a man who only got worse after this other things too...manipulation and gaslighting...

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chatgptsbestmate · 26/08/2025 20:30

Hes not right for you because of his alcohol use. Dump him

For future, if a boyfriend is out with his mates, he shouldn't have to let you know where he is or text you at all.

That's ott

DietQueen2023 · 26/08/2025 21:36

Walkingback2happiness · 26/08/2025 18:41

If anyone is still here....I went back after I left....he left me 3 more times due to me expressing my feelings about him drinking and not liking it and his communication got worse and worse. Eventually found out that he had started lying to me about where he was when he was in the pub... I was stupid

oh op 😔

medievalpenny · 26/08/2025 22:42

Walkingback2happiness · 26/08/2025 19:14

Thank you for replying.

I've done the freedom programme twice....

I have started therapy a few times and my childcare always falls through so I have to stop because I literally don't have any support with my kids....

I have childhood trauma, and trauma from every single relationship I've ever been in... is there any good books ? I've read some but I struggle...

I'm so heartbroken over a man who only got worse after this other things too...manipulation and gaslighting...

Show quote history

Which books have you tried? Some are quite heavy.

For complex trauma like yours, I know quite a lot of people swear by Pete Walker's "complex PTSD - from surviving to thriving" as a manageable help yourself book. Carolyn Spring's books are readable but not so much a help book, as something to relate to and process your experiences and reactions.

Emerson and Hopper also have a book called "overcoming trauma through yoga" which is practical - it's not the breathing, chanting and stretching yoga but learning to connect with yourself and feel safe in your body and trust yourself.

I think working towards a position where you are ready and able to pursue trauma therapy is the best route, but in the meantime see if you can find resources to help you process and begin healing. Find little steps you can take because every little step takes you forward.

Freedom Programme is often pushed because it's cheap and the obvious easy thing to recommend when there is so little provision for trauma survivors, but it's a very simplistic and brief series of information sessions which don't actually help many of the women referred to it and only briefly touches on healthy relationships and warning signs at the very end at a superficial level. Despite its good intentions in many cases I think it does more harm than good, especially when it's thrust at traumatised women as some magic fix for their complex trauma.

It's never going to help someone overcome complex trauma like you've experienced - so if there is any part of you giving yourself a hard time for making a mistake here even though you've done the FP, please don't.

Use the mistake as a learning experience and fuel to drive forward your healing. Don't use it to beat yourself up. You deserve compassion from yourself. 💐

medievalpenny · 26/08/2025 22:46

When you are kind and compassionate towards yourself it has a very similar soothing effect on your central nervous system as when another person is kind to you. Your CNS is responsible for processing emotions and the physical sensations they case, eg tight chest.

So me asking you to be compassionate to yourself isn't an empty sop - it will help soothe some of the pain you're feeling over what has happened with this relationship. Speak kindly to yourself, do things that make you feel good or that are comforting.

Original poster

Walkingback2happiness · 27/08/2025 01:20

chatgptsbestmate · 26/08/2025 20:30

Hes not right for you because of his alcohol use. Dump him

For future, if a boyfriend is out with his mates, he shouldn't have to let you know where he is or text you at all.

That's ott

Yeah I agree re. Texting.... I just left totally ditched but that's my own trauma issues in play there. That was on me and my mistake.

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Original poster

Walkingback2happiness · 27/08/2025 01:20

medievalpenny · 26/08/2025 22:46

When you are kind and compassionate towards yourself it has a very similar soothing effect on your central nervous system as when another person is kind to you. Your CNS is responsible for processing emotions and the physical sensations they case, eg tight chest.

So me asking you to be compassionate to yourself isn't an empty sop - it will help soothe some of the pain you're feeling over what has happened with this relationship. Speak kindly to yourself, do things that make you feel good or that are comforting.

Thank you so so much. I didn't realise this. I'm going to do this. Thank you

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Original poster

Walkingback2happiness · 27/08/2025 01:22

medievalpenny · 26/08/2025 22:42

Which books have you tried? Some are quite heavy.

For complex trauma like yours, I know quite a lot of people swear by Pete Walker's "complex PTSD - from surviving to thriving" as a manageable help yourself book. Carolyn Spring's books are readable but not so much a help book, as something to relate to and process your experiences and reactions.

Emerson and Hopper also have a book called "overcoming trauma through yoga" which is practical - it's not the breathing, chanting and stretching yoga but learning to connect with yourself and feel safe in your body and trust yourself.

I think working towards a position where you are ready and able to pursue trauma therapy is the best route, but in the meantime see if you can find resources to help you process and begin healing. Find little steps you can take because every little step takes you forward.

Freedom Programme is often pushed because it's cheap and the obvious easy thing to recommend when there is so little provision for trauma survivors, but it's a very simplistic and brief series of information sessions which don't actually help many of the women referred to it and only briefly touches on healthy relationships and warning signs at the very end at a superficial level. Despite its good intentions in many cases I think it does more harm than good, especially when it's thrust at traumatised women as some magic fix for their complex trauma.

It's never going to help someone overcome complex trauma like you've experienced - so if there is any part of you giving yourself a hard time for making a mistake here even though you've done the FP, please don't.

Use the mistake as a learning experience and fuel to drive forward your healing. Don't use it to beat yourself up. You deserve compassion from yourself. 💐

Show quote history

I've cried so much for the last 38 hours I can hardly see to read your post but as soon as my eyes are depuffed I'm going to read your post properly but I wanted to say thank you so so so much for the time you've take to reply to me

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MyGreyStork · 27/08/2025 01:50

This man isn’t even your boyfriend and this is how he’s acting. Block and move on.

Loopytiles · 27/08/2025 06:33

Sorry to see these updates. Stay away from the loser now. You can make better choices for yourself, which will also benefit your DC.

Do continue to try to get help and ad-hoc childcare to enable that and in the meantime read / view all you can for free and don’t date!

Original poster

Walkingback2happiness · 27/08/2025 08:46

outerspacepotato · 26/08/2025 18:47

I would not be ok with the constant communication you want. I find it clingy and controlling. He's a big boy and can get home on his own.

I think the real red flag in your relationship is his binge drinking. Having grown up with an alcoholic parent and numerous alcoholic "uncles" I avoid men with substance abuse issues. You have 2 kids.

You're better off without this one.

Edited

I didn't want constant communication while he was out, but to go from having constant back and forths normally to abruptly being dropped every Friday eve so he can get hammered made me feel crap - even mid evening check in hope your having a nice time or whatever would of done the job don't just vanish....hard to explain!

However yes the drinking and the drinking the amount he did and does is the problem

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