Child hates me having a girlfriend

[HopperDash]

Hi. I'm a man reaching out for advice from a female perspective so please be gentle.

I am divorced and currently have sole custody of my teen daughter. I am 50 and have been seeing a lovely woman who is 38 for sometime. We get on great, however and understandably she is at an age where she would like to have children sooner than later. I am happy with this, I am a young 50 and very healthy for my age and a great Dad.

My daughter is already finding it hard for me to have a girlfriend and has stated that she doesn't want to meet her, let alone her living with me and the idea of me having another child and sibling would flip her out greatly. She's been crying a lot just me seeing someone and I feel awful.

I understand all of this as I'm all she has, her relationship with her Mum isn't good and they rarely see each other. I'm torn, as I definitely don't want to damage her or our relationship either, but also don't want to lose my girlfriend. In five years my daughter will be an adult and I don't want to be on my own so have had to be slightly selfish by seeing someone to begin with. It'll only get harder over time otherwise.

My child means everything to me and is not being capricious, merely I'm all she has and I think she can't bear me giving my love to someone else or losing me.

Any advice would be appreciated.

@HopperDash unfortunately i don't think you should be looking at having other children at this time if ever.
you're dd is at a tricky age and stage and will be till mid twenties, the dynamic with her mother makes your stability even more important.
i suspect any child will be seen as a "replacement" and will be resented for a long long time. equally seeing you play happy family with another woman will again make her feel pushed out.
have the two of you considered family therapy? it has the potential to help long term but will not solve the current issue. do you have sisters/aunts that can help expand your dd's family experience? again this may help but help in any quick fashion.

your dd shouldn’t have to live with some woman just because you have a relationship. You should only be moving to cohabitation and thoughts of marriage and additional children if your girlfriend has also developed a strong independent relationship with your existing child. If their relationship is nothing short of easy and your daughter shows any hesitation to proceeding to cohabitation, then it is too soon.

Your relationship with your daughter will be irrevocably damaged of you rush to replace her with a second round family. If your girlfriend requires a particular timeline, then she isn’t the right woman for you.

You are not going to want to hear this but it is unlikely that your daughter will ever willingly accept your new relationship. You can impose it on her as you can a new child, and many men do, but it is unlikely that your father/daughter relationship will ever recover. Usually what happens in these situations (long time family law mediator and child consultant here) is that the girl would stay more with mum and see dad less or probably stop seeing dad completely, the fact that your DD has a poor relationship with her mum means she doesn’t have that option. You are clearly her safe person and she is terrified of being ousted/replaced. You could try family therapy but to continue to be the dad your daughter needs might mean big sacrifices on your part.

Sounds tricky but I honestly don't think you can describe yourself as a good father if you disregard your daughters feeling on this on. You are not in a position to have another child, without irreparable damage to your existing child and your relationship. You need to be really clear with the girlfriend on this, as if she's set on children, this relationship doesn't have a future, and she deserves to know that before she wastes the last of her fertile years waiting for something you can't give her.

You do not have to put your life on hold. I am part of a blended family and we all get on (of course we had disagreements along the way) As you say, your daughter will be off doing her own thing soon enough. Keep communication open, offer counselling, together and on her own, reassure her of your love and be there for her.
All the best.

I think ideally you would have sought a partner your own age and in the same stage of life. Much of the problem comes from men seeking out younger women as second partners and having a young family all over again.
There is no way to make this a decent experience for your daughter.

How long is “some time”?

I expect it feels nice to go out with a younger woman. Maybe it makes you feel youthful etc etc. You may even have decided not to date women of your own age.

However, you are not footloose and fancy free. You have a young teen dd by the sound of it and are the only stability in her life. Now is the moment to be the adult and father she needs.

You've met a woman, who needs to have children with some urgency because her biological clock is ticking. It sounds as though moving her in and having another child will create an adverse outcome for your existing dd, who, from what you describe, had already has experienced enough adverse childhood trauma. Your dd will probably be frightened to death of being replaced and terrified after her previous experience if you allow another mother figure into your home.

You chose to fight for your dd and to have her live with you. If you really want to do what’s right for both your girlfriend and your dd, you will let this woman go kindly and gracefully to find a man, who is available to have children with her. And then think carefully about who you may want to find in the future as a life partner. Women, who have experience with teens and love everyone else’s kids, are going to be a safer bet. They are older, wiser and likely to have the time for your dd.

This. @HopperDash Any kind of good advice would need to be based on how long you have been in this relationship. I personally have a rule for myself that I wouldn’t involve my dc in my dating life or even consider introducing dc to a boyfriend of less than a year. And then after a year if I thought that my relationship with a boyfriend had a future I would gradually introduce my dc to him. Allow them to get to know him and for him to get to know them. And I wouldn’t rush dc into such big life changes such him living with us or us having a baby together.

What has the timescale been for your dd? If she hasn’t even met your girlfriend yet then it is way too soon to be telling your dd that this woman she has never met could move in, live with you and have your baby.

I agree with this , a woman of this age without children, is kinda looking at the now or never to start a family soon.
Your priory is your daughter's well being.
I'm in the same age relationship, but I already have a child and don't want anymore neither does my almost 50 yo partner, but even if I did it wouldn't be with a man if 50 who would be 70 when the child is 20.
If I was looking to have more children I'd be looking around my age.
A woman who already has a child knows how to navigate a relationship or maybe someone closer to your age.

Agree with PP. And it sounds very much like your putting your own desires before your DD and this new woman.

Why doesn't your DD see her mum?

How long have you been seeing this woman?

In five years my daughter will be an adult and I don't want to be on my own so have had to be slightly selfish by seeing someone to begin with.

If you are a young 50, in good nick, and a genuinely decent guy, you can wait five years and you will have your absolute pick of women 45+. Decent men that age are in rather short supply.

Is the issue not so much that you are scared you’ll end up alone, but that you’re scared you’ll end up too old to score someone who can/is willing to give you another child?

I think that having another child would be disastrous for your relationship with your daughter.

How would you see it working ? If your gf became pregnant then DD’s preference would be for gf to live with baby in her house while you lived with her. DD’s worst nightmare would be gf and baby moving in. It sounds like dd is naturally very insecure about her relationship with you because of the history with her mum. It’s a shame that your gf isn’t closer in age to you so dd wouldn’t feel anxious about a sibling.

I’m not saying don’t date but you’re not in the position to make both dd and baby happy. It wouldn’t be fair to make baby live apart from you but it’s also force dd to live with your gf and the baby.

You can’t necessarily count on dd moving out at 18 either. Uni students need a place to stay during the holidays. Housing has never been so expensive so if she takes the work or apprenticeship open then chances are that she will need to live at home. If you force her to live with gf then you risk her moving out with the first guy who asks and that means a higher possibility of picking someone shit because coming home is an even worse prospect.

I wouldn't do anything while your dd is still a child. It sounds like your dd needs some reassurance that she is your family . I'd focus on your dd and keep your girlfriend separate do not push things on when your dd isn't ready. Be clear with your gf it's unlikely you will not be able to move forward in the relationship for the time being so you can't give her a guarantee regarding having a child together. Your gf can decide whether to move on or stay.

You need to prioritise your daughter. Do not have another child unless you wish to irrevocably damage your relationship with her. It’s not fair on your current girlfriend either - seek out someone at the same life stage, or who doesn’t want kids. This particular relationship is not a goer long term, sorry.

I think you are far too old to be having another child

I know a few men who were young fit and active at 50 and 2 were dead by 52 from cancer

Concentrate on the child you have

Your daughter may move for college/have a boyfriend in a year or two, then what?
Your chance of happiness and your partners window for a baby is gone.
I wouldn't let a teenager dictate what I can or cannot do. I would certainly tread carefully, be open and honest but I would live my life.
Get family therapy, see a counsellor but life is short and teens are not teens for long.
Oh, the age gap? That's nothing!

I think it is totally understandable that you want a relationship. Your daughter needs to know that she’s a priority but that does not mean that she gets to prevent you having more kids, just like it wouldn’t if you were still with her mother. My sister was born when I was a teen, my dad fairly old (not quite 50 but not far off). I was horrified at the thought of it, adore her now. It would have broken my heart if id found out as an adult that my parents wanted another child and didn’t because of me. Honestly a big part of why I found it hard was the thought of my parents having sex was too gross. I think this is fairly common for young teens.

I don’t know how you can make sure that your daughter feels secure. Routines and traditions might help. Like having set times each week that you make sure to do something special with your daughter and those never ever get given over to gf. If / when you invite gf to your house make it friendly rather than a date.

How does gf feel about you prioritising daughter? If she’s in a rush for a baby would she consider doing so despite living separately from you at first? It’s a huge ask, absolutely not something she “should” agree to, but maybe the situation calls for creative thinking. That’s quite an extreme option but generally I’d think that the more rigid gf is about how she wants thing to be if you have a kid together the less chance this can actually work.

I hope it’s possible for you but daughter will need it to progress slowly and if gf can’t handle that you’ll keep finding yourself stuck in the middle.

Prioritise your daughter and seek a relationship when she has left home in another few years.
That's what a great dad would do.

Put you daughter first.you don't have to be selfish, you just want to be. Find a girlfriend in 5y, or irrevocably damage your relationship with your daughter.

Sadly I expect you'll choose your new fling.

I agree with this. In addition, if your daughter is off to university in the next few years life might be about to get more expensive. Another child? With a younger woman who will naturally want the best for that child may well make those finances tricky.
You won't end up alone if you're in good nick; just find someone whose biological clock isn't adding pressure to the situation. Fairer on her and your daughter I'd say.

You cannot have a baby with a woman your daughter hasn't even met yet (assuming you intend to move her into the house). Your relationship with your daughter would be completely ruined, and given her age and relationship with her mum I imagine it would actually be dangerous for her.

No-one is saying you can't have a girlfriend. But a woman a similar age to you, with her own house and almost grown up family, would be a lot more sensible.

There's no such thing as a 'young 50'. 50 is 50. Too old for having a baby. Your daughter has important things coming up like GCSEs, A-levels, maybe starting uni. I don't hear any desperate desire for a baby on your side so is is worth dropping this bomb into both your lives? Will you want another moody teen when you are 65-70?

How long have you and your girlfriend been together?

I do not think you should allow your dd to dictate your personal life. She is old enough to understand that not every single thing is all about her. You are a person in your own right and actually, allowing her to make that choice would be doing her a disservice. You can offer plenty of reassurance, plenty of one on one time with her still and I would also suggest therapy for you both as a family to work through these issues.
i say this as a child who had a dreadful, dreadful time in a blended family, but it would have been very different if my parents had done the above.