Child hates me having a girlfriend

[HopperDash]

Hi. I'm a man reaching out for advice from a female perspective so please be gentle.

I am divorced and currently have sole custody of my teen daughter. I am 50 and have been seeing a lovely woman who is 38 for sometime. We get on great, however and understandably she is at an age where she would like to have children sooner than later. I am happy with this, I am a young 50 and very healthy for my age and a great Dad.

My daughter is already finding it hard for me to have a girlfriend and has stated that she doesn't want to meet her, let alone her living with me and the idea of me having another child and sibling would flip her out greatly. She's been crying a lot just me seeing someone and I feel awful.

I understand all of this as I'm all she has, her relationship with her Mum isn't good and they rarely see each other. I'm torn, as I definitely don't want to damage her or our relationship either, but also don't want to lose my girlfriend. In five years my daughter will be an adult and I don't want to be on my own so have had to be slightly selfish by seeing someone to begin with. It'll only get harder over time otherwise.

My child means everything to me and is not being capricious, merely I'm all she has and I think she can't bear me giving my love to someone else or losing me.

Any advice would be appreciated.

You're not a great dad if you're thinking of prioritising your relationship with this woman over and above your dd's wellbeing. Moving in this woman and having another baby is not going to be a positive for your daughter no matter how much you dress it up. I think you need to accept that, if you choose to put your own wants first, she will suffer to some extent. Lots of parents choose to prioritise their own happiness anyway, but I think you at least need to be honest with yourself that that's what you would be doing.

"You are very unlikely to get an unbiased opinion on here."
"MN is not a kind place to be a man."

If the so called OP wanted validation of a selfish choice they'd have posted in a men's forum.
Which is why this, like many many others is most likely to be a lost set up to 'teach' generative AI about women's forums.
Let's see shall we if the 'OP' returns....

If you haven't even introduced your new partner and your DD to one another you're getting massively ahead of yourself in thinking about moving her in and getting her knocked up 'sooner rather than later'. Your GF has her life and her schedule to worry about, but you have a DD who needs to come first in your priorities, not making babies with someone else. You're entitled to have a relationship and a life of your own and a future, but why do you have to be with a woman who is 12 years younger? Why not look for someone closer to your age who doesn't have the time pressure of a ticking biological clock? If she's 38 already, she wants to get pregnant yesterday, not wait any longer, and you risk totally alienating the DC you already have if you force that situation of new gf, moving in, being pregnant on her within the next few months. I wouldn't do it. I would let your GF go rather than risk your relationship with your DD. She can find someone else to have babies with.

Sorry edit before the wolves get released on me 😂 i obviously meant 'isn't horrible' in my previous reply.

Start by introducing the partner and see how that goes.

No need to think about having another child just yet.

Rushing such an important decision is ill advised.

You have sole custody of your daughter, at a really delicate age. This was obviously going to mean you’d need to prioritise her. I don’t think things can be neatly separated out (I’m a ‘good dad’ but these are my wants) in the way you imagine without massive potential risks to your relationship with your existing daughter, and risks to her happiness and stability.

Do you want another child ? Are you actually willing to do broken nights, toddler years etc? If your gf said she didn't want kids would you be happy with that?
Do you want to be a 70 year old with a DC just heading off to university?
Do you want to be retired at 65 and have a wife who is still working for another 12+ years?
There's a lot for you to think about, even as a fit and healthy 50 year old. This is before you have the impact on DD.
My exH is similar age and has remarried and has two very small kids plus our teenage DC. He doesn't pay the teens as much attention because the two young ones absorb all his energy and time. Yeah he gives them money but I'm sorry but he just can't parent them in the same way and inevitably the little ones come first because they can't be left alone or whatever other reason. It will impact your DD, it may be temporary or short term or it may be longer term. No one can know at this point

I personally think some counselling for you all would help. Separate and family counselling. Have the counsellor help you and your daughter to realise she will never be replaced and she will have a secure loving home always.

What I would do is not just discard the girlfriend on the say so of others. Introduce them slowly and have them spend together gradually. Your daughter will be able to get used to her in a more relaxed way. Don't throw everything on your daughter at once. Include her in things and make her feel secure.

I don't think there is anything wrong with having a family and a new child. As long as you do this properly and don't rush this . Do this properly whilst respecting your daughter's feelings. Get your girlfriend involved with the counselling eventually as a family.

I do believe her feelings are important but so are yours. It will work out but take it SLOW!

Good luck to you.

I wonder if your girlfriend has her eyes open about what she would be getting herself into. Is she thinking "Hopper, baby, my little family at last ♥️♥️" or has she really taken on board that it will be Hopper, baby, slammed doors, tears, teenager-plus-likely resentment on top, Hopper's angst about how stern to be Hopper spending time with his dd helping with GCSE choices and fetching her from nights out, while gf is suffering from infected stitches/broken nights/wanting Hopper to come to softplay but dd is screaming about it/wanting a family holiday without sulking teen.

I mean, pps have explained how it can all come good and indeed it might. But she really needs to be going into this with here eyes open and her expectations adjusted.

And lets face it even those of us who had our first child with a partner who's first child it also was, needed out expectations adjusting anyway, God knows, even without all the added complications...

OP can you really offer your gf a parenting experience that works for her and the child you both want to bring into this situation.

It's not about the "rights" of either adult here, when we become parents, it becomes about "doing right" by them.

OP, you say you feel awful about it, but not awful enough to shock you into seeing your own responsibility in this situation. Your poor daughter.

You already have a child. A child without a decent mum who solely relies on you. She is sad and crying because she is panicky and terrified of losing her place in the world. You know this as a fact but don’t actually feel it in your heart or you wouldn't be asking this question.

Once you have a child, the child is your priority and should be able to rely on you until she becomes fully independent at least. Until that time, your current obligations mean you aren’t free to start a brand new life as if the life you already have is meaningless.

I can't imagine having a child at 50+. Just because something is possible doesn't mean it's a good idea.

You have a choice but it'll come with consequences. Are you willing to sacrifice the relationship with your daughter for a potential child.

And do you really want to be running around after a child pushing 60? You will be pension age before they finish upper secondary.

The problem with your plan @Lavenderblossoms is that the 38-year-old GF isn't going to want to take things SLOW, she wants to take things fast. And that is the issue here - what the OP needs is time for his DD to get used to the idea of a new GF, but because the OP has hooked up with a woman who is in the last chance saloon of baby-making, time is the one thing that he doesn't have. So he either needs to say 'Fuck it, DD will just have to deal with it' and go with the new GF's schedule, which is get pregnant asap, or he's going to have to tell new GF 'I'm really sorry, but your schedule simply isn't going to work for me and the DC I already have'.

@Lavenderblossoms GF is 38. There’s no going slowly unless she doesn’t start to try to conceive well into her 40s. Time is not on her side.

OP say your GF wants 2 kids you’ll be into your 70s before they are both grown. It’s not fair on anyone.
Teenagers need a lot of support and care not less. These are the years can decide the rest of their lives. Throwing a baby with a new woman into the mix really won’t help, especially if she is not on board with any of it.

I know you are scared of being alone, but you want a relationship with someone on the same page, maybe with older children/adult children themselves. Someone you can do things with as your children become independent and have adult fun with after years of child rearing, not starting all over again. There are lots and lots of women about like this.

At 38 it’s far from guaranteed she can even have a child. If she leaves you she’d struggle to have a relationship ready to make babies before 40. I think short of successful therapy she is going to have to realise she’s at arms length until she’s accepted or your daughter leaves home, you are your daughter’s world and that has to be priority. GF has to like it or lump it.

A good parent puts their child first and does not prioritise their own sex life over the wellbeing of their child.

Your child's other parent has already let them down. You can't afford to opt out. Your child needs you.

You should end the relationship with this new woman and let her find a man with fewer existing responsibilities. You should stick to casual dating with women who aren't currently looking for commitment just for the next few years. Once your child is an adult and can live independently then you can look for a committed life-partner - there is no shortage of women seeking men who are non-arseholes. There's a lot of arseholes about. One clue as to whether or not you're an arsehole is whether you are capable of prioriting the needs of a dependent child over your own immediate desires.

A great dad would prioritise his existing DC. Why are you talking about babies with a women who hasn't even met your child? How would you cope if this new child needed to live with you through teens and early adulthood? You are too old IMO and should find a partner your own age. If your GF is desperate for a baby, why find a 50YO man with a teen daughter?

How old is teen? If you have been seeing this woman for a while now then I think you should arrange for them to meet. Somewhere neutral, keep the PDA to a bare minimum. They might get on really well and she might like a female roll model in her life - she is just scared she will take a back seat so I would advise her that she will always come first.

I have a 13 year old daughter who spends 50% on her time with me and 50% with her Dad. As 13 year olds go, she has a really good life and is a happy balanced and mature girl with a really good perspective on life - for instance, she teases me about men, has no hostility in theory to me dating, etc. But even in these 'best of' circumstances, it would be a disaster for her for either her father or me to embark on what you are considering. Unthinkable actually unless we wanted to play fast and loose with her mental health and our relationship. I'm afraid I am pretty old fashioned that way, I think family formation is a one shot deal. I did go out a few years ago with a fabulous man with whom, had it lasted, I could have IN MY FANTASIES ONLY had a beautiful child. But my responsibility is first and foremost to my children I already have who already have to live a complicated life. I simply couldn't have done it to them.

Do you actively want another baby, or is this baby on the cards because you’re with a significantly younger woman whose biological clock is ticking? Even if your GF got pregnant today, you would be 55 by the time it started reception—this is the youngest age you could biologically be; likely 1-2 years older. Have you really thought about this? Being the 55+ year-old dad at the school gates on day one? It’s not fair on the child to have an elderly father. Then there’s the day-to-day job of raising a baby: I’m several years younger than you, and the thought of having a baby/toddler fills me with sheer panic at my age.

Focus on the child you already have, and find a woman your own age, or a younger woman who doesn’t want/already has children.

@Mummyoflittledragon i can’t see the bit where he “chose to fight” for his DD. Can you highlight that in case I missed it?

I think this is the crux of it.

You are trying to extend a life stage you have passed through by saying you are a 'young 50'.

This has significant implications for your daughter, your would be partner and any potential future children.

It's the very definition of selfishness.

If you respect women generally and care about your daughter go for someone in your own life stage.

It immediately eliminates most of the drama and problems for everyone else you say you care about.

This is called 'taking responsibility for your own actions'.

I also think saying things like 'im a young 50' is a demonstration of an unwillingness to take responsibility for your own actions...

Time to start taking responsibility for your daughter who needs you to rather than being a self immature twat.

So there's your challenge.

What's wrong with someone your own age? Why are they not acceptable? Why are you not even considering them in your dating pool? Come on let's hear it...

I think @candycane222 nails it. Your dd has already set her mind against this and is crying and crying about even the idea of a gf - what happens when she finds out gf is having a baby and moving in?

It is no picnic having a baby and a teen. Your baby will be up at 6am, your teen will be in bed at 11pm. You’ll have minimal sleep let alone quality time with your gf or dd.

If your dd is unwilling it is going to be incredibly hard work. She’d have to be a saint to just “come around” . Is your gf ready for living side by side with a teen who despises her and resents her half sibling?

It sounds like you’ve done a good job parenting your dd, don’t mess it all up now. The teen years are really fragile and your dd may well feel that this is a betrayal of your relationship with her. I’ve seen kids never forgive a parent for that.

Could you not find a nice 40-something with a kid from her previous relationship in a few years time? Then you could skip the awful baby years and just have fun raising a little kid once your dd is ready to move on to university.

No one has a right to happiness at someone else’s expense, especially their own child’s.

I know of someone in his 20s who died. Was he too old to be a father too then? Anyone could go tomorrow. Age is irrelevant.

You wouldn’t be posting on here if you were sure you wanted a baby with your girlfriend. Let her find someone who does.