Child hates me having a girlfriend

[HopperDash]

Hi. I'm a man reaching out for advice from a female perspective so please be gentle.

I am divorced and currently have sole custody of my teen daughter. I am 50 and have been seeing a lovely woman who is 38 for sometime. We get on great, however and understandably she is at an age where she would like to have children sooner than later. I am happy with this, I am a young 50 and very healthy for my age and a great Dad.

My daughter is already finding it hard for me to have a girlfriend and has stated that she doesn't want to meet her, let alone her living with me and the idea of me having another child and sibling would flip her out greatly. She's been crying a lot just me seeing someone and I feel awful.

I understand all of this as I'm all she has, her relationship with her Mum isn't good and they rarely see each other. I'm torn, as I definitely don't want to damage her or our relationship either, but also don't want to lose my girlfriend. In five years my daughter will be an adult and I don't want to be on my own so have had to be slightly selfish by seeing someone to begin with. It'll only get harder over time otherwise.

My child means everything to me and is not being capricious, merely I'm all she has and I think she can't bear me giving my love to someone else or losing me.

Any advice would be appreciated.

I mean really candidly, no. Not in the situations I’ve seen personally anyway.

The general consensus between blended families within my family is that who lives there and what goes on in that house is on the adult’s terms.

Certainly my childhood home was ultimately my mother’s, she paid for it ran it, so I wouldn’t have had any control/input over who was in it.

Guess we just have to agree to disagree on this one.

No way would I ever consider making my kids "just get on with it" if they were unhappy about me moving someone in to the house they also live in.

I wouldn't want one of their boyfriends living here either if I didn't get on with them & I would expect them to respect that too.

That sounds awful, and I can't believe you have happily repeated it.
It's rather sad that you both think this is normal and ok.

So it comes down to who pays the bills and is on the title deed or lease?

ETA the reason adults are accorded a decisive role is because they are generally expected to have the maturity to understand what is in a child’s best interests. But when they start using that power to take decisions that aren’t in the child’s interest it becomes a destructive use of that power that perverts its justificatory basis.

Like someone pointed out earlier, it maybe a generational thing.

But the upshot is it would have come down to who was in charge, and in our house it was (and is) my mother.

Sad how? I’m honestly not sad about it, I wasn’t in charge in my parent/child relationship growing up.

I’m a grown woman and frankly I’m still not. I make my own decisions now, sure, but I wouldn’t dream of questioning my mums.

I think it's very sad that you think it's normal for parents to not consider their kids.

Not sure. There’s a difference between considering them, and not doing something because they’d prefer you didn’t.

I’m not in any way neglected, I’m just saying that the adults word was final when I was younger so any opinion I did have would have carried less weight. If I had an issue with anything my mum wanted to do, she’d absolutely do it anyway, because it would be her call.

Well considering them, and then doing whatever you feel regardless is even worse.
The fact that your mum did it doesn't make it normal or ok.

Well, it was and is okay by me and I guess that’s all that matters 😂

That’s a reasonable approach when it involves not letting you eat takeaways every night, or not going out in the snow with insufficient clothes on, or her taking a decision on how much to spend on groceries or what night she is going to the theatre with a friend.

But with decisions such as the make-up of the home - your safe space - it’s cruel not to consider how this impacts the children if they are clear they don’t want that.

ETA people have moved past the view that the only “ care” children require is food, clothes and going to school. MH is hugely dependent on our formative years. How can a child be expected to have someone imported into their home who makes them uncomfortable.

But do you think k that’s why you are repeating that pattern maybe?

@Calliopespa

I’m not, there is literally no way of verbally having a conversation about my stepson’s wishes with him. None at all.

But, if it’s helpful - I didn’t meet him until we’d been together 8 months, even then it was fairly periodically so my partners access just involved the 2 of them while we built our relationship. Then we did all weekend access together, but he’d do midweeks himself, then all of it, then moving. The things I’d do/involvement I’d have during those shared times together built up too.

We’d been together almost 2 years by that point when we all moved in together.

There was ample opportunity for any relationship we did build to either not work, or fall apart, and they still have time the 2 of them now - trips to the park etc.

I’d say that was gradual enough.

Well it’s good you built in a gradual approach.

But I disagree that children should always just put up with whatever living arrangements are thrust at them because they aren’t “in charge.” Good parenting or guardianship considers the well-being of those in their care. If children face real concerns around this sort of issue, it isn’t fair to just override or disregard because the adults want what they want. It’s the child’s home even if they don’t pay for it. Children should be entitled to a home they can be emotionally comfortable in.

That's really not true at all that it's easier for single mothers to get support.

I know you're thinking ahead, and part of that will be age but slow down, take it as it comes. Pushing it with a teen never works out relationship-wise. With your daughter, she's a year out from her mum leaving, she wasn't spending 4 years beforehand preparing for that relationship to end like you were, she's now only just finding out about your gf. Let her digest it and leave it there.

You can mention your gf in passing, no pressure, it keeps it present but in the background. In a few months you could try something small like, your gf is popping something round or needs a hand with something. No pressure. No big introduction. If she seems OK about it I'd just keep taking really small steps like that while reassuring her. Part of reassurance, with any child is showing them you care enough to listen and act on what you hear.

@HopperDash

You're a mature man, at your age you should be able to give thoughtful consideration to opinions that disagree with your position. Have you been keeping up with responses and have you given any consideration to differing points of view?