Child hates me having a girlfriend

[HopperDash]

Hi. I'm a man reaching out for advice from a female perspective so please be gentle.

I am divorced and currently have sole custody of my teen daughter. I am 50 and have been seeing a lovely woman who is 38 for sometime. We get on great, however and understandably she is at an age where she would like to have children sooner than later. I am happy with this, I am a young 50 and very healthy for my age and a great Dad.

My daughter is already finding it hard for me to have a girlfriend and has stated that she doesn't want to meet her, let alone her living with me and the idea of me having another child and sibling would flip her out greatly. She's been crying a lot just me seeing someone and I feel awful.

I understand all of this as I'm all she has, her relationship with her Mum isn't good and they rarely see each other. I'm torn, as I definitely don't want to damage her or our relationship either, but also don't want to lose my girlfriend. In five years my daughter will be an adult and I don't want to be on my own so have had to be slightly selfish by seeing someone to begin with. It'll only get harder over time otherwise.

My child means everything to me and is not being capricious, merely I'm all she has and I think she can't bear me giving my love to someone else or losing me.

Any advice would be appreciated.

Don't be ridiculous.

Also if you have a child as a 50 year old man your chances of genetic issues are hugely elevated.

That means things like autism.

So you could be risking the added pressure of not just another child or children but ones with significant additional needs at a time when your daughter may need most support and quiet around the house.

Men don't consider this element even though they are capable of still having children at 50.

They should.

Have you see how old Elton John is? And his kids?

Wow. The dead by 52 was completely unnecessary!

Putting aside the very real emotional pain your current plans are causing your daughter I would like to put this idea forward.

I imagine that part of the pleasure of having a younger woman on your arm is that you make a good couple, you are free to go out together, have meals, drinks, go to theatres, galleries or whatever you want or need to do. And that is fine, no one, not even your daughter , would deny you a social life. But just think for a moment of what would happen to that lifestyle if she moved in and you had a baby. That freedom would vanish overnight once the baby was born, even if she had a trouble free pregnancy and the baby was born without additional complications. You would be a middle aged couple, stuck at home with a tiny baby and a miserable teen. No more fun socialising, going out, weekends away, freedom to do what you wanted as a couple. You have a lot of your life to lose by fathering another baby at your age, it is a huge commitment which will impact your health , finances and eventually your retirement.

I think as others have said that your best option is to keep this current friendship as just that, a fun friendship/ relationship without commitment or ties. Let your dd finish growing up, maybe as she matures she will come round to the relationship.

Then when your dd leaves home for University, work or her own relationship , you can re assess where you are in your life, with either your current friend or another one. But no baby - really not a good idea.

You should choose your child over your dick.

50 is way too old to be having a baby.

My child means everything to me and is not being capricious, merely I'm all she has and I think she can't bear me giving my love to someone else or losing me.

I think most people have given you a fairly clear cut answer. But this statement in your original post says it all. Whatever went before to get you to this position means that your DD needs are going ro have to come first and they don't just stop when they leave home. As the adult child of two incredibly self absorbed parents, who both ended up with much younger partners, there is never a time where their life decisions don't sting.

If you care about your long term future for you, your DD and any new future partner you will take this very slowly and carefully.

And respectfully, this is less about a new partner and more about whether this is the right partner for you at this point in time. You sound lovely, and deserve someone who understands and can cope with the dynamic you have at home. It sounds like your girlfriend is just at a different stage in her life and it would be kinder all round to acknowledge this and both move on.

And he has the finances to support his kids should anything happen to him, but the fact remains that he is unlikely to see his children reach adult hood, go to University, develop as adults, forge a career, become independent, form their own relationships, have children. He will miss out, and obviously the children will miss out even more as they go through life without his presence.

You say your daughter will be 18 and an adult soon but really, they depend on you til early 20s. So you are financially and emotionally important to her for longer than you think.

likewise a new baby. You will be 70 ish when the new baby leaves home.

I think you are creating a whole load of grief for yourself

There's things the OP needs to clarify such as how long has he been split from the mum? How long has been seeing his girlfriend? (I would hope a fair while if he's talking about having a baby). Is he planning on moving her in despite the dd not wanting it?

A great dad puts his existing child before anything else: relationships, future potential children, EVERYTHING.

Date someone your own age (and, as a PP said, there is no such thing as a 'young 50'- 50 is 50, and it is too old to be contemplating having a baby in the next few years, even aside from the fact that your existing child hasn't met, and doesn't want to meet, the woman you are contemplating having this baby with).

I know of someone in his 20s who died. Was he too old to be a father too then? Anyone could go tomorrow. Age is irrelevant.

That's pretty disingenuous. Of course people can go at any age, but come on. My friends are all around 50 now and the previously healthy men in particular have started having heart attacks, pulmonary embolisms. Let's not pretend that even fit 50s are comparable to 20s. There's a reason OP had his DD in his 30s. If he was still with the same DP and she fell pregnant now, that'd be one thing. But to embark on a relationship with a woman in her 30s who wants a baby asap is foolhardy and can be easily rectified if he's mature and genuinely is a great dad to the child he already has, who has enough to deal with right now.

And people can stop trotting out the 'everyone on MN thinks lone parents have to be single forever' BS. No one thinks or says that. It doesn't give a parent carte blanche to not consider their DCs' feelings when bringing a DP into their homes and lives in a way that anyone could see was not a wise or necessary move.

I wholeheartedly agree with everything this poster has said. Children MUST come first.
Also, you are relatively 'lucky' being a man in the 21st century. You stand far more chance of finding a new partner via online dating or online clubs and groups than any poor old gent did 20/30/40 years ago! Good luck. Very hard situation but you do sound like an emotionally intelligent dad.

Have you see how old Elton John is? And his kids?

And you're holding that up as some kind of fine example to follow because... ?

You and your GF are at different stages of life, you need to accept that your priorities are different. Hers may be having a baby and yours should be focussing on your teenager, who it sounds is struggling a bit.
Unfortunately you have to realise that your DD may never accept the situation and getting a sibling will only make things much much worse and probably casue you to lose any relationship you have with her.
You need to choose, and it should be your DD

Yes I think this is a big aspect of it.

I appreciate you are trying to think of your daughter and don’t want to be a bad father, so I don’t want to go in too harsh; but there is, nonetheless, a strong undertone in your post of “ how go I get my daughter on board with my OWN needs and desires.”

The truth is, when we have children we take on a responsibility that I think a lot of people underestimate at the time. Our children’s security and mental health IS our responsibility. Sometimes that is style-cramping. As you say yourself, she isn’t being capricious; this is a genuine issue for her.

And to be frank, I can fully understand why it is. She’s already had a split in the family to grapple with, and from what you say she lacks a supportive relationship with her mother, something which is hugely important for girls at that age ( well actually for anyone at any age). Now her one and last anchor is wanting to fundamentally alter the dynamic of the one relationship she has to depend on, looking to bring in not only a substitute primary relationship for you, but also to replace her as your child. I’m afraid that’s how she will see it. These aren’t people she feels anything for: they are interlopers in her fragile world. People can dress it up any which way they like, but at the end of the day, from a biological perspective, it cuts across all her instincts for her emotional safety. That will have fallout for her and will impact her emotional and mental development.

Also, sorry to say it but the 15 years younger thing is ick. She’s not that far off halfway between you both age-wise. What message are you really giving your daughter? That she is, as a female, something that, like a bottle of milk, is better fresher? Not that she is interesting as a person as she matures and develops wisdom. These aren’t great messages from someone who is solely responsible for her psychological well-being.

We need more information. How long has poster been separated, how long has he been seeing the gf?Oddly enough a few months ago, on MN people were talking about Victoria Coren Mitchell having a baby at 53, and how marvelous it was. MN doesn't approve of age gaps,go find someone your own age! When you meet someone,do you automatically ask their age first! Probably these days because people seem to meet online. Met my second DH at work,he's 7 years younger than me, his brother was outraged, apparently it's not normal. We've been together 35 years. I was lucky,my ex H was an arsehole,so my DKs took to number 2 straight away. We sat them round the dinner table and told them we were hoping for a baby. One of my work colleagues in her late 30s and married herself to a guy of 21, was screaming, outraged and angry because her father had a gf, same age as himself. I told her it was none of his business. My late father got a gf same age as himself 60s 6 weeks after my lovely DM died, I found that very difficult. We didn't like each other, she looked down her nose at me.

38 and 50, is not 15 years,it's 12, and "ick", seriously,a 12 year age gap makes people feel nauseous and want to vomit...best see the GP

Your daughter probably doesn't like the idea of her father having sex. It's as simple as that. My mum died when I was a kid, my dad remarried and I have a much younger sister. Despite being a hippy chick ( as I might call myself) it was the thought that they had actually had sex that I found so yukky! No young person can think that sex is for older people too. I mean it's not something we think of, is it? They don't understand that love, sex, romance, the desire for an adult relationship doesn't actually stop for many people. And I do mean both sexes. Not everyone. But a lot of people.
I don't agree that children should dictate what relationships their parents should have. Clearly an abusive partner should be shown the door, but an ordinary pleasant person who just happens to love your parent? No.

Men do not intentionally seek out younger women

😂😂😂

Not at the actual expense of their children. You created them, you put them first, not yourself.

Is your parent really your "world" in your teens? I remember spending most of my time in my room, being annoyed by my parents, and by my mid-late teens honestly barely giving them a thought compared to my own interests and friends.

Yes I think that’s laughable too. They do.

I agree with most of our post, but why this ? “I expect it feels nice to go out with a younger woman. Maybe it makes you feel youthful etc etc. You may even have decided not to date women of your own age.” The woman is 38, the age gap is only twelve years.