Child hates me having a girlfriend

[HopperDash]

Hi. I'm a man reaching out for advice from a female perspective so please be gentle.

I am divorced and currently have sole custody of my teen daughter. I am 50 and have been seeing a lovely woman who is 38 for sometime. We get on great, however and understandably she is at an age where she would like to have children sooner than later. I am happy with this, I am a young 50 and very healthy for my age and a great Dad.

My daughter is already finding it hard for me to have a girlfriend and has stated that she doesn't want to meet her, let alone her living with me and the idea of me having another child and sibling would flip her out greatly. She's been crying a lot just me seeing someone and I feel awful.

I understand all of this as I'm all she has, her relationship with her Mum isn't good and they rarely see each other. I'm torn, as I definitely don't want to damage her or our relationship either, but also don't want to lose my girlfriend. In five years my daughter will be an adult and I don't want to be on my own so have had to be slightly selfish by seeing someone to begin with. It'll only get harder over time otherwise.

My child means everything to me and is not being capricious, merely I'm all she has and I think she can't bear me giving my love to someone else or losing me.

Any advice would be appreciated.

You're 50 years old. Too old for babies.

Agree it would be helpful to know how long you have been dating? You’re infatuated now, but likely still in the honeymoon period if it’s not that long you’ve been together.
You’ve discussed having a baby but your GF and daughter haven’t even met?? That’s insane!
Have you and GF spent any significant amount of time together, alone? Have you met each others friends / family?
Where is your daughter when you’re out on dates? I think you are being highly unrealistic.

Better to find an older partner.

Your daughter hasn't even met your GF so I assume this is not a long term relationship ?

Are you talking about starting a family because you genuinely want another child, or because you feel you have to due to your GFs age? I personally think you are too old. You will be a 70 when your child is 20.

I think you need to take your foot off the gas in this relationship. It's not be right time to be moving in together and playing happy families. It will not go well. You need to be honest with your GF so she can decide whether she should find someone else.

Your child comes before any girlfriend...

Are you saying your daughter is about 13? That's a really tricky time for all of us (I have a 14 year old myself) - I can't imagine throwing a new partner and baby into the mix with mine, their world was already turned upside down with the split, and it's been the work of the last few years getting them to even see their father.

The idea of telling them in the middle of all their body changes, and exams that I'd move them in with a new boyfriend and have another baby is unimaginable to me.

I think therapy for both of you (together and separately) might be a good idea, if you can't communicate right now.

Unpopular opinion here but I don't think anyone's teenage child should dictate to them what they're allowed to do in their private life. Yes it's a tricky situation but if you love your partner and are serious about having a future with her then she needs to start building a relationship with your daughter. Who knows, you daughter may grow to like having her around! Work on that dynamic first.

Put your daughter first. It would be very selfish of you to have more children at this stage in her life and there is no way to avoid it damaging your dd and your relationship with her.

I agree. Adults also have a right to happiness.

It’s not really the daughter dictating though, is it? It’s about the father recognising that his teen, who has had a very hard time, is experiencing real and reasonable discomfort with her only source of safety bringing one and quite possibly two people into her life, which is bound to be both time-consuming and disruptive, primarily at her further expense.

That's a horrendous thing to say to anyone - you could be dead in 2 years from cancer.

Please.

Unpopular opinion here but I don't think anyone's teenage child should dictate to them what they're allowed to do in their private life.

Yes, adults have a right to happiness, but children have a right to be considered first. As a parent, my children aren't my job that I can check in or out of, they are my private life, they're my responsibility. Now yes, they shouldn't be dictating if I get my hair cut, or where we go on holiday (although some input into the holiday is fair), or if I'm looking for a new partner, but they absolutely should have some input into whether they're brought into that relationship (eg. by living in the same house with a baby during their GCSEs)

13 is young. You’re no longer a ‘great dad’ if, given your DD’s circumstances, you prioritise a new relationship and ttc over your existing DD.

OP, no one can advise you on your daughter's reaction. We don't know her. You do.

Unless she has a significant history of mental health issues, please don't put your life on hold. You will not be helping her, and she will only struggle more so the older she gets. She will also take this lesson into other parts of her life, which won't benefit her in her own relationships.

I would not move your partner in just yet unless you have been together for 3 or 4 years, and moving in has been an open conversation for you all, regardless of how your DD feels.

I would keep reassuring your daughter, I would spend one on one time with her; without your partner and then I would build up to a meeting, more, 'we are going for a walk on x day at x time', or an activity that you know your daughter will love. If you keep waiting for her to agree, it'll never happen. You have to help her to understand that life is all about change. Change is uncomfortable, but it leads to growth, and we have to try. You're not encouraging her to become a criminal. You're trying to help her move forward with you while supporting that transition from just the 2 of you to 3, maybe 4 of you. Life doesn't stop for anyone, not even our children. The difference is that we can be kind about how we proceed and at what pace we proceed.

Your daughter is responding to this situation purely from her limbic system. Read or listen to the Chimp Paradox. It will benefit your understanding of her feelings a huge amount.

All of the above is truly dependent on how long you've been in this relationship. Your daughters age matters. Is she 13, 15, or 17?

Please don't be afraid to live. You're more than 'Dad', and one day, your daughter will be more than just your little girl. I doubt that as an adult, she'd want to know she's responsible for a lonely old age for you, not to mention sole caring responsibilities for her. We all need support and opportunities for growth.

Help her to navigate this challenge. Don't hide from it or be frozen by it.

Oh, and my experience comes from being a long-time family law practitioner, working closely with Cafcass, Mediators, Child Psychologists, Judges, Social Services, Local Authorities, Teachers, Therapists and, being a mum to 3 daughters for almost 2 decades.

Also, my husband is 50. He absolutely could be a Dad at 50, and he'd be fantastic at it.

We don’t know the back story of why the daughter doesn’t get on with her mum. It seems unfair that the dad should have to put his plans on hold while the mum gets out of parenting all together.

That said I’d think carefully about having another child at 50 especially when it’s likely to be so problematic.

Men do not intentionally seek out younger women; these relationships develop naturally with the mutual consent of both individuals involved. Both parties are interested in making it happen. Some users on Mumsnet seem to express bitterness about this fact.

Perhaps, OP, you might need to delay moving in together and your future plans. As we do, consider living apart for the time being.

So your daughter hasn’t met your girlfriend, your daughter lives with you, but you and your girlfriend are talking about having a baby?

This has disaster written all over it. What do you think will happen when your girlfriend does have a baby? Where will you all live? How do you propose your daughter is going to get to know your girlfriend if she is refusing to meet her?

You say you are a young 50 year old, that’s great, but if your girlfriend was to get pregnant straight away you will be 60 when the child is 10! You need to consider the future here too. You will be retired if the child decides to go to university, will you be able to afford that, there are financial implications here too.

Your daughter shouldn’t be able to dictate who you should and should not date, so that’s a conversation you need to have with her, but bringing a baby into this when they haven’t met and at your age, well that’s not so good!

Boils my blood when people breed because of one person in the couple who should find someone else who also wants a child. It fucks up the older child whether you admit it or not.

Woman I know had an 18 year old then had a baby to please the new man as ‘he wanted to be a father’. Embarrassing really.

@Amuseaboosh one of the few sensible posters on here, I can't put it better than that. If you were a woman desperately wanting another child the answers would be different - MN is not a kind place to be a man.

He doesn't sound like he desperately wants another child to me? What are you reading that suggests that?
Going along with it to keep the gf is what I'm getting.

I would lay money that if a 50 year old woman came in here saying her teenage child disliked her boyfriend who she was thinking of moving in and having a baby with, she’d get firmly told to stop being so ridiculous and selfish.

Honestly, 50 is very old to be a dad of a baby/young child so I don't think you should have anymore, especially as another child would probably destroy your relationship with your already upset daughter. 50 is grandparent age. Don't move your new girlfriend into your daughter's home.

Unpopular opinion here but I honestly think you can't let your daughter dictate your life. As long as she isn't in any danger and new partner is horrible to her then let her get over her strop.
My sister was AWFUL when my mum met my stepdad made it really difficult. If my mum had let my sisters opinion ruin her relationship she wouldn't be where she is now they've been happily married for 10 years and my sister and him are now really close.

My brother was a young 50 and a great dad. Having a second baby at that age has made him old and knackered very fast! As others have said, find a partner at the same life stage and a lot of these issues will become non issues. You can then take your time appropriately with the relationship without it impacting your DD so hard. Your girlfriend's biological clock is not something your DD needs to suck up just because of some unfounded fear of loneliness you have. Good men over 50 have zero problem finding a partner if that put the effort in.

You are very unlikely to get an unbiased opinion on here. Most seem to think step parents are evil incarnate and no one should have a relationship ever again.