Child hates me having a girlfriend

[HopperDash]

Hi. I'm a man reaching out for advice from a female perspective so please be gentle.

I am divorced and currently have sole custody of my teen daughter. I am 50 and have been seeing a lovely woman who is 38 for sometime. We get on great, however and understandably she is at an age where she would like to have children sooner than later. I am happy with this, I am a young 50 and very healthy for my age and a great Dad.

My daughter is already finding it hard for me to have a girlfriend and has stated that she doesn't want to meet her, let alone her living with me and the idea of me having another child and sibling would flip her out greatly. She's been crying a lot just me seeing someone and I feel awful.

I understand all of this as I'm all she has, her relationship with her Mum isn't good and they rarely see each other. I'm torn, as I definitely don't want to damage her or our relationship either, but also don't want to lose my girlfriend. In five years my daughter will be an adult and I don't want to be on my own so have had to be slightly selfish by seeing someone to begin with. It'll only get harder over time otherwise.

My child means everything to me and is not being capricious, merely I'm all she has and I think she can't bear me giving my love to someone else or losing me.

Any advice would be appreciated.

Do not put your own life or that of your partner on hold because of the emotions (albeit they are understandable) of your daughter. Sooner or later children all have to learn that life isn't all about 'me' and your daughter is old enough to learn that lesson. You need to progress this situation carefully and with consideration, with the help of family counselling if necessary. Don't let it stagnate and don't let frustration destroy the relationship between you and your partner. Children hate the idea of change (I was such a child myself, in floods of tears when a friend moved away and convinced I would die of a broken heart) but once it's happening they often adapt very well.

Frankly I find the advice that you should 'find someone your own age' and NOT father any more children due to your age, which many on this thread seem to espouse, repugnant. There isn't even a huge age gap between you and your partner. And good partners do not often come along in life. If you throw this one away you very likely will not find another. In what universe is that fair?

I was struck by the post of a PP on this thread saying that if she had found out as an adult that when she was a child, her divorced parent had put their life on hold for her and refused to find happiness with a new partner due to fear of hurting her feelings, she would have been guilt-ridden and mortified for ever. Don't put your daughter in that position. It will just lead to resentment all round.

I think you need to think extremely carefully about this. Your daughter is going to have her life turned upside down and it's no wonder she feels so upset. How long have you been seeing your girlfriend>? Ideally you would introduce them slowly over a long period to build trust. Never mind having a child with a woman who is much younger and at a different stage of life, and expecting your daughter to accept that situation.

Unfortunately, we remember most "bad" stuff from our teens. Not sure why. Not my personal experience, but definitely a keen observer here.
You should either have chosen the custody of your child, or life with "girlfriend".
If you put your daughter on a second place now, she'll likely not bother with you when an adult, if at all.
Tough, I know. Do what is most important to you, obviously, and surely your daughter will notice.
Good luck.

Blended families can work very well, but they take time and patience.

Your daughter shouldn’t be dictating the terms, with all this, as she’ll be leading her own life at one point. As she should.

Just take it gently, but make it clear you also have a life to lead. 🙂

I agree.

Completely disagree with much of this and there's a lot of reaching. There's no way to conclude that this gf is the kind of good partner that needs to be clung onto or the OP will be alone forever. All we know is she a 'lovely woman' he's been seeing for 'some time'. A girlfriend, 12 years younger, who wants a baby. How you get from that to sod the daughter's very real issues and go all in with this soul mate or else is boggling.

P. S when I had grown up a bit I saw my dad's relationship with my stepmother in a very positive light. Selfishly, it was good for me, it meant that I could go off and do things without having to worry about him, whether he was lonely etc. I also understood that older people have needs, apart from their relationship with their children. We should still enjoy life, have adventure, meet new people, not sacrifice everything for children. And often children, quite naturally, move away and have their own lives.
Part of growing up is understanding that parents are people too. Not just your mum and dad, but actually individuals.

I think it's hard for people to reply when you haven't come back and answered some of the questions OP.

I can see both sides - you're divorced and want to have another woman in your life. Your daughter understandably has gone through a lot and likely will feel like you're "replacing" her by having another child with someone else.

Questions that would guide me in how to respond are:

• How long have you and gf been together?
• Did this start after your marriage ended?
• How long has your daughter known about your GF?
• Have you discussed wanting to have another child with your daughter? (I'm unclear from the OP)
• How old is your daughter?

I think you'd get more tailored responses if you felt able to answer some of those.

50 is too old to have a baby. I was the child of older parents, and i wouldn’t recommend it.

I agree with this but unfortunately not many people on here will as MN has a dislike for men so I doubt you will get any practical advice.

"I'm a great dad"

The confidence of men, right there.

And the “ you don’t want to ruin Daddy’s life by not letting him upset you do you?” is a prize piece of mind-twist.

How long have you been seeing your girlfriend?

Age gap is 12 years.

BUT they are at different life stages because he's had kids.

This makes that difference more significant.

TBH if they were both age 38 but one had a daughter age 14, the same would reasonably apply to a large degree. The life stage issue is the bit that causes the recipe for disaster.

The age gap also says something about maturity and responsibility taking though too.

Fair points to be honest.

I don’t think there is an easy answer here. You can’t force your daughter to be ok with this and it sounds like she is a long way from being anywhere near able to accept you having a new baby. It will irreparably damage your relationship with her and likely leave her feeling abandoned and let down.

She has to be your priority. You can’t put your girlfriend or a hypothetical second child in front of her without causing your daughter significant harm.

You need to be honest with your girlfriend that you can’t offer her the family she wants. That while you may feel young at fifty, you have existing obligations to your daughter which trump making a new family. Then it’s her choice whether she wants to stay with you, in full knowledge of what that means.

You also need to seriously consider that 50 is incredibly old to have a baby. You feel young and fit now but what kind of a parent would you be to a 15 year old when you’re 65? That’s the age my parents are and I’m in my thirties. They’re healthy and well but my god, they couldn’t parent a teenager. You don’t know how many good years you have left in you to offer a child and young adult the support they need to thrive.

The story of older man meets much younger woman and has new family, leaving existing kids in the dust is a tale as old as time. You get to make a better, more loving choice for your daughter, and it’s the right thing to do.

@Ponderingwindow is spot on, I'm afraid, @HopperDash.

My daughter is already finding it hard for me to have a girlfriend and has stated that she doesn't want to meet her

So your daughter hasn't yet met your girlfriend and you're already discussing children?

Unless you're willing to irrevocably damage your relationship with your daughter think you need to take a really big step back here. This is from someone who has been in a similar position.

👌🏿 Very well put, and exactly what I think.

Of all the reasons to have a baby, my girlfriend of “some time, who has not built any form of relationship with my existing daughter, wants one and will dump me if I don’t, isn’t all that great.

You are her world. Teenagers are difficult at the best of times

If you want more children and to move your girlfriend in she is worried that she is being replaced. Also her security is being diminished. Its her home, her inheritance

You seem more bothered about being by yourself than you are about her.

Can't you and your gorlfriend continue as you are?although if your girlfriend wants children then thats unlikely

It's uncommon for someone in their 20s to die so the age you become a parent is very relevant.

I understand you don't want to be single forever but starting a new family when you have a teen against the idea will be hell for you all, perhaps in time she warm to the idea of meeting to begin with.

Mn don’t all hate men. What most of us disagree with is adults putting short-term sexual satisfaction ahead of their duties as a parent (or spouse.) Often - but by no means always - that issue crops up in the context of male behaviour.

Why is it just ' sexual satisfaction'?
A relationship is more than that, it includes affection and companionship.