Child hates me having a girlfriend

[HopperDash]

Hi. I'm a man reaching out for advice from a female perspective so please be gentle.

I am divorced and currently have sole custody of my teen daughter. I am 50 and have been seeing a lovely woman who is 38 for sometime. We get on great, however and understandably she is at an age where she would like to have children sooner than later. I am happy with this, I am a young 50 and very healthy for my age and a great Dad.

My daughter is already finding it hard for me to have a girlfriend and has stated that she doesn't want to meet her, let alone her living with me and the idea of me having another child and sibling would flip her out greatly. She's been crying a lot just me seeing someone and I feel awful.

I understand all of this as I'm all she has, her relationship with her Mum isn't good and they rarely see each other. I'm torn, as I definitely don't want to damage her or our relationship either, but also don't want to lose my girlfriend. In five years my daughter will be an adult and I don't want to be on my own so have had to be slightly selfish by seeing someone to begin with. It'll only get harder over time otherwise.

My child means everything to me and is not being capricious, merely I'm all she has and I think she can't bear me giving my love to someone else or losing me.

Any advice would be appreciated.

Your daughter hasn’t even met your girlfriend yet and you’re talking about babies? How long have you been together?

I’m struggling to see how you can do this without massively compromising your daughter’s well being. Even those who don’t think the overall plan is bad presumably don’t think you can go from no contact between daughter and girlfriend to all living together and having a baby without giving it all some time, and frankly you don’t have time (not just your age but your GF’s mean you’d need to crack on).

I think you need to have an honest conversation with your GF and explain that you’re not going to be able to commit to living together for some years and that you understand that this might be a deal breaker.

@CheekyHobson

5 years is a long time to put your life on hold, to be unhappy and lonely. I’m sure OP’s daughter wouldn’t want that for her beloved dad.

There is no way to make this a decent experience for your daughter

It comes down to this.

I don't agree with all the ' you can't let your daughter dictate your life' comments. This view makes no sense.

It is not that your daughter is dictating your life. But that when you have children it is reasonable that your life decisions have to take them into account too. And currently, even though you show some understanding of how this feels to your daughter, you are still veering to ignoring that to prioritise yourself.

Teenage age years are difficult but must be especially so for a daughter with a painful or absent relationship with her mother, as tween and teenage years are when children are evolved to really turn to their parents as an example of how their sex ( women or man) should be. Boys will gravitate to their fathers, daughters to their mothers. I really think stability and security at home are really, really important to teens.

Bringing an unwanted adult into a child's home, a space where they should feel secure and safe when the world often doesn't, is a really terrible thing to do, imho. Your teen is telling you clearly she cannot cope with this. Add a baby to that and bloody hell.

Before anyone tries to pretend I, and others are only saying that because you are a man. No. I remember a mid-life colleague saying her teen was upset and really hated her, as she had accepted a job on a Scottish island and was taking her teen daughter from a vibrant city and all her friends to live there. My thought then was, 'bloody hell, hope you really like that job as its cost you your relationship with your daughter.'

You will need to be in a relationship with someone who is happy to wait 5 years for cohabitation.

If your child “means everything” to you then it’s a no-brainer. Let your current GF find someone who’s free to start a family.

Your daughter needs the security of knowing you’re there for her. She’s never going to have a good relationship with your GF and I can’t see her warming up to any future half-siblings. You risk estrangement from her, with all the consequences for both of you.

Actually be the great Dad you think you are.

There is a fairly large gap between “unhappy and lonely” and “‘moving a girlfriend in and trying to have another baby”, isn’t there?

He could date a woman more his own age who is not desperate to get moving on baby-making and with whom he can go at a more appropriately slow pace.

That aside, the child is not responsible for managing her father’s feelings. It is an adult responsibility to prioritise the child’s wellbeing, which is quite clearly at risk here.

What's this fabrication of unhappiness and loneliness? He's clearly able to successfully have a relationship where they don't live together. He can do that either with his current girlfriend or with someone else.

I know someone who was in a similar position to you. His son had met the girlfriend but hated her.

Dad and new GF had a baby but their relationship didn't last long afterwards. Son was glad the GF was out of the picture and, as late teenagers and young adults the two children get on really well.

Tbf I know the GF and she is awful.

I think you have a right to a private life but personally wouldn't bring another baby in to the mix unless I was married and desperately wanted a baby - do you? Or is it just your GF who does? I think this woman may not be the one.

I think the first step is counselling for your daughter. She's not being reasonable at all to dictate that you can't have a relationship, and it speaks to deeper issues. Your right to look to the future, and realise that being alone isn't what you want.

Continue as you are with your girlfriend while you get your daughter the support she needs but take it slowly.

As someone who had their first and only child at 43...I think starting a family in your early 50's is very hard. I was very fit and healthy, until I wasn't...the harsh reality is diseases like cancer can hit at any time, and the older you are the higher the risks. You'd be early 70's with a child in their early 20's. Parenting a teenager in your 60's is stressful.

This. I think a lot depends on the daughters’ reasons for not wanting her dad to have a relationship. If they’re genuine then OP needs to take them on board. But as much as l don’t think OP should carry on regardless of his daughters’ feelings, neither do l think he should be putting his own life on hold indefinitely. Maybe a period of adjustment for her to get to know this woman better and to keep reaffirming that the relationship will be permanent, so that she’s better prepared for the change that’s coming, but to drop life plans on the whim of a teenager. No.

Dad to 3 girls here... I would highly suggest you think about what your daughter would think of you. Think about this from her perspective. You've already gone behind her back to pick up someone younger. Shes in need of a stable home. Her maternal figure has mucked up her head, she doesn't need to see another woman come into her home and disrupt it all, turning you against her.
That's probably how she's feeling, rejected again.
Unfortunately as you've already gone behind her back, and are acting selfishly then you are already causing her a lot of grief. At 13 years old she is going through enough crap, you should have a conversation with her, apologising for the situation you have put your family into and also assuming that she will be moving out in 5 years.
Then have a real think about why you are willing to destroy everything because you don't want to be alone. Bringing a new life into the world because of it is a bit silly.
You've got plenty of time left to find someone to grow old together with.

You might have given them another thought if they announced they were having a baby

Is this a joke? Women get told not to have children or move a man in literally everyday on this forum. And it's the right advice.

Sorry I read it as her being 35 for some reason. ( think I was wondering about DD’s age and took the figure 15 as a sort of average which is where the 15 came from). But the three years less still doesn’t change the more salient fact they are at different stages of their lives.

Yeah, I'm sure I would have been angry, but it would have been unreasonable of me. Teenagers aren't exactly known for rational reactions. Either way, I would have still been going through the natural process of getting ready to leave the nest, whatever my parents were doing.

Ridiculous.

Yup, and bringing another adult into your home.

You are probably able to 'not give your parents a thought' when you feel secure in your home and family.

Exactly. I know someone whose parents ( both her actual parents not a person she hadn’t met) had a baby in her teens and she very much noticed.

I really feel for you and your daughter. It sounds like you're a lovely dad. On the one hand I think everyone deserves to be happy. However, if she can't accept your girlfriend I don't see how she could get on with a baby. And I understand her position as she doesn't get on with her mum.

It might work in time but your girlfriend doesn't have the luxury of time.

I don't have an answer but it is a difficult one so you just have my sympathy.

I know this view is the minority, but I agree with the poster above. You have a lot of life left to live and teens soon grow into young adults with their own lives and your DD won't look back in a couple of years time and realise that you gave so much up for her and she certainly won't curtail her life to make up for it. I agree that you need to me as inclusive f her as you can be, even if you're met with resentment every single time. One day that might change, at that age kids change every day.

I don't think you are too old; invest in your health, eat well and stay fit and you'll be around to parent a new child a lot longer than overweight, smoking 30 year olds who do no exercise and eat UPF every day. Go for it, I say, but be thoughtful and aware. Good luck.

Difficult situation with valid points on both sides.

Teens in general will find a baby half sibling a very difficult adjustment.

I would just say - I don't know how old your teen is, but teens do need help, parenting, stability and a lot of money right through to their early 20s (and in some cases even beyond). It's easy to think they will "go" - but it doesn't exactly happen like that, particularly these days.

If your teen is facing GCSEs or A Levels, a crying new baby and all the attention that the baby needs could be very damaging.

I know a guy who's now 65. He had 2 children when he was about 30-35. Then he had 3 more children with 2nd wife when he was aged 45-50. The original 2 adult kids don't speak to him. They haven't done for about 5 years now.

Also, regarding getting a stepmother - OK that may be someone you love/chose - but your DD might not even like this person. And this person will be forced into her home space. She has already got a mum, who it sounds like she doesn't get on with/has virtually abandoned her.

It can be very messy.

On the other hand, it can appear monumentally selfish for a teen to demand that you remain single/don't have more kids. And could compromise your future happiness.

Overall, if your girlfriend was similarly aged/staged to you - ie nearly 50, had kids, then this could be kept more on the DL and might be more palatable to your DD. But a 38yo who wants kids - it's more of a do-over and a 2nd time around for everything. I'd be cautious. You don't want to end up with your DD having been alienated and being in quite low contact with you as a young adult - whilst simultaneously dealing with a new baby, the consequent strain on the relationship and a potential divorce and the same all over again re custody etc.

I didn't want to go into irrelevant detail but my parents were divorced, with stepparents and a younger half sibling in the mix. By mid-late teens whatever I felt about that was nothing compared to my friends, interests, life and getting ready to explore the world, and it seemed the same for my peers. Do people really think a 17 year old, for example, is going to care more about her dad's relationship than her friends and studies and whatever else is going on in her life?

OP, I’m not sure you’ll get unbiased replies on here. I’d be interested to know what people would say if this was reversed and you were the 38-year old woman with a teen, and said woman wanted a baby with her 50-year old boyfriend.

The answer to that is ' No' if Dad has a live-out girlfriend.

And the answer is very much ' Yes, she will care a lot' if Dad brings another adult to live in her home and a baby too. I'd have very much cared about that at her age and not at all in a good way.

People are talking about this child like she is a spare part, getting ready to be disposed of, rather than a child at a challenging time in life who needs security and emotional safety at home.

I agree. But l think at 13 OP’s daughter won’t see that yet, so her expectations need to be managed. I don’t think OP should scupper the plans, as some are suggesting, but l certainly think he needs to support his daughter more in the intervening period and prepare her for what will be a massive change.