Child hates me having a girlfriend

[HopperDash]

Hi. I'm a man reaching out for advice from a female perspective so please be gentle.

I am divorced and currently have sole custody of my teen daughter. I am 50 and have been seeing a lovely woman who is 38 for sometime. We get on great, however and understandably she is at an age where she would like to have children sooner than later. I am happy with this, I am a young 50 and very healthy for my age and a great Dad.

My daughter is already finding it hard for me to have a girlfriend and has stated that she doesn't want to meet her, let alone her living with me and the idea of me having another child and sibling would flip her out greatly. She's been crying a lot just me seeing someone and I feel awful.

I understand all of this as I'm all she has, her relationship with her Mum isn't good and they rarely see each other. I'm torn, as I definitely don't want to damage her or our relationship either, but also don't want to lose my girlfriend. In five years my daughter will be an adult and I don't want to be on my own so have had to be slightly selfish by seeing someone to begin with. It'll only get harder over time otherwise.

My child means everything to me and is not being capricious, merely I'm all she has and I think she can't bear me giving my love to someone else or losing me.

Any advice would be appreciated.

I definitely got less tolerant as the thread went on.

It presented initially as caring about his DD but the bottom line was he was hellbent on doing what suited him despite her making it very plain it would distress her - and not without good reason. Full of OTT self pity, but conversely just expecting the child to suck it up.

It soon became apparent he was only posting to get endorsement ( not advice) and couldn’t hear anything other than he was in the right, a fabulous dad, and far more “put upon” than other single parents who all have support he unfairly has no access to. Hoping to have us all say “ of course you should do exactly what you want” had less to do with reassurance re his DD’s situation, and more with wanting the cherry 🍒 placed on top of his already self-congratulatory attitude.
I feel desperately for the girl. Imagine in her circumstances her Dad wanting to move in someone she hadn’t met and impregnate her asap because her bio clock is ticking - and forging ahead despite your pleas.

I feel desperately for the girl. Imagine in her circumstances her Dad wanting to move in someone she hadn’t met and impregnate her asap because her bio clock is ticking - and forging ahead despite your pleas.

He said in a year or so.

And what was interpreted as puffing himself up, to my eyes, was just self-defence against hysterical accusations.

Oh, "hysterical". I see.

Bollocks. Women aren't obligated to be nice to men we disagree with. Perhaps he would have garnered more sympathy had he not used such insulting hyperbole to describe normal parenting and implied that a vagina comes with an endless support network attached. It's a bit tiresome when men expect to be showered with praise for merely showing up as parents, despite still not putting their DC first.

Yes I think he did get defensive. Let’s hope he’s more inclined to reflection in real life.

I’m not sure I saw any “hysterical accusations” - though I did leave the thread after a while.

As OP have mentioned, think the issue is with his own ‘hysterical’ hyperbole - using phrases like “housebound” and “prison sentence” to describe parenting his child is pretty low. Then he contradicted himself by saying he runs daily and goes to the gym. He also had a pretty grim view of his ex-wife, which to be fair may be justified, given she’s not seeing her child, but to say she “wouldn’t get help for the menopause” suggests he may not have been quite as supportive as he considered himself to be.
I hope his girlfriend is a lovely empathetic person who is prepared to wait and take the time needed to forge a good relationship with his daughter. He hasn’t said anything about her nature or whether she is sympathetic to the daughter’s situation. If she is, maybe this will have a happy ending.
If not (and let’s face it, he’s already admitted to having poor judgment with his ex wife), then I feel very, very sorry for the 13 year old girl who is crying at night and had her world turned upside down.

It's just chaotic thinking to be considering moving in a woman, and having a baby with her, when his child hasn't even met her. It shows that his child's feelings are of zero importance.

"Hysterical hyperbole" is absolutely spot-on, @Vanishedwillow. To be honest, it sounds like he gets out more than a lot of single parents, and he is clearly finding time to go out on dates, as well as going running and to the gym, so his life doesn't sound that bleak. He clearly wants to prioritise his fun over his daughter's needs.

I suspect he wants the new girlfriend to move in, so that he not only has sex on tap, but also another adult to shuffle off his parenting responsibilities onto.

This fixation with a whole family unit drives people to make choices post divorce that are not in the best interests of the children they already have.

Yes your sister might be happy as larry with her whole family unit, but her first DC has a dad in one direction and a man that moved in a few months after his dad moved out and a new sibling to deal with. The child's reality is not the Whole Family Unit that the adults are so pleased about.

The point is, that nobody asks the kids in this adult quest for a whole family unit, and dealt with what was actually important at that time, which is prioritising the children you've brought into being, rather than your own romantic quest, then one might not feel as sad at the thought of doing that without a new partner in the house.

I’m not sure how I’m fixated on it, I only used the phrase once?

But my nephews are both fine. They are half brothers, but are and always will be just brothers. I know this because the eldest is now an adult, and honestly - he’s okay.

I genuinely don’t believe that parents have to stay single just because they’re separated from the birth parents of their kids.

I genuinely don’t believe that parents have to stay single just because they’re separated from the birth parents of their kids.

Jeez, for the last time, nobody has said that.

Everyone has said that he should take any new relationship sensibly and slowly and at a pace that takes his daughter into account, and a number of people have also suggested that at his age, adding a new baby to the mix quickly (or at all) isn’t a great idea for lots of reasons.

This!
What's the term for "not listening" when we're on the internet??

Hard of reading/comprehension?

Bit rude 😂

The person I replied to was making the point that nobody asks children if they want a new, whole family unit or if they should have a partner at all. I took that to mean generally, that it’s forced upon existing children.

The point I was making was that I don’t see an issue, generally, with parents moving on and moving people in.

Well, I actually also disagree with the idea that nobody asks their children if they want a whole new family unit, although I don't think children should have a say in whether their parents have a new partner at all.

I fully intend to ask my (now tween) children how they would feel about my boyfriend moving in, if and when that arises (years down the line, at this point). It's their home too and they get to have a say about it. My BF understands this and is happy to work with it when the time comes. And we can do so, as we are both adults with our own homes, no financial pressure to move in together to save money and we aren't rushing the process in order to squeeze a new baby in before a biological deadline that doesn't match up with the timeline that would work for my kids.

I can imagine that you wouldn't consult a three-year-old on their opinion about whether they want someone new to move into their home (or whether they would get a younger sibling), but I would hope that any sensible parent would recognise that's a decision they should really take their time with and do very cautiously.

However if your point was that in general you're totally fine with people having second families on whatever timeline they like, then perhaps that's what you should have said, rather than something completely different.

@Rosscameasdoody @AcceptAllChanges Oh sush you. Maybe you should have a look at my long empathetic posting history before you say that.

I'm thinking more about his daughter in this situation, who no doubt feels more powerless than he does. She needs patience, time, and he needs to come to terms that she may not want to meet or live with this woman until she's much older, until she's found some healing from her mother leaving. And that is ok. She shouldn't have to be on this other woman's biological timeline.

I wrote what I did because on the context of some of his other posts, where he equated his daughter's resistance to not wanting to meet his girlfriend as being 'locked away' or 'housebound'. As far as I'm aware, he's not being locked away, and phrasing that way suggests to me like he might use that in future on his daughter to make her feel guilty, when she understandably doesn't want the added complication of this girlfriend in her life. He lost my sympathy with that.

Too many people get fucked over as teenagers because of their parents' poor or selfish life choices, and I would say that thinking of moving this girlfriend in after only 6 months is one of them.

This.

And this.

Difference of experience/view maybe.

My stepdad moved in within 6 months, they were married within a year - don’t recall being asked and even if they had, my opinion wouldn’t have mattered I doubt.

So maybe the general idea that it would be up to kids whether new partners move in is just alien to me. My experience is very much “this is who lives here, get on with it.”

That’s not the case with my stepson. It was longer than 6 months and he wasn’t asked because he couldn’t be. But similarly, not doing it was never an option!

I don't know your age but times have moved on I think from when you weren't consulted - although you don't give your age at the time so if you were a baby or a toddler at the time then that would make sense.

I think these days people tend to give kids, especially teenagers, a bit more agency and consideration so I would definitely expect parents to have the decency to chat to their teen kids before a partner moves in. And to take time with the process too.

Plenty of people don't of course and there are plenty of fractured parent/child relationships around to show for it.

35 now, I’ll have been about 11 when they met and 12 when they married. So approaching 25 years ago - suddenly feel very old!

My own stepson is ND so couldn’t have answered if asked, but I’ve just checked with my partner what he would have done. I was genuinely curious how he’d have handled it tbh!

Asked but done it anyway regardless of the answer, apparently. Like a “this is happening, what do you think,” situation.

So maybe the general idea that it would be up to kids whether new partners move in is just alien to me.

Its not about handing responsibility for the decision to kids or teens, its about engaging kids who are old enough to contribute in a respectful and empathetic discussion to negotiate a timeline that everyone can accept.

This, like any significant agreement, might take several discussions and thinking time until a consensus can be reached.

I guess the more interesting question & answer would be what he would have done if his son was unhappy about the situation.

I think that's they key thing here, although this thread is essentially over, the OP's daughter has made it clear she isn't happy. Then I think it is important for a parent to listen and find a way through which would involve time (as has been said here many times) and gentle understanding - not ending the new relationship - but treading carefully.

So maybe we take that reasoning you’ve espoused and say the op needs to just accept “ this is who lives here: the gf doesn’t, the imagined baby doesn’t . That’s who lives here, I’ll just get on with it.”

Or does the reasoning not apply in reverse? Is a grown man not able to access those reserves of sanguine acceptance so young children have to step up and manage it instead. Thought so …

Because children are stuck in a corner where they can’t change it.

It’s hypocritical, it’s bullying and it’s an example of the way of treating children that one would hope we have evolved beyond as a society.

I actually asked him what he’d have done if he had that conversation and his son told him he thought I was a prick.

He said he’d tell him he didn’t agree, and it was happening, so better get used to it.

Not the answer anyone here likes I’m sure.

Fortunately we’re not actually in that position but tbh I’d have not asked about the more difficult potential outcomes if they hadn’t come up here!