Updated continued reverse thread; Husband just walked out- intimacy issues

[Newstart2024]

I just thought I’d start a new thread as the old one is too long for people to read. link below.

As an update this morning despite saying I’m not going to leave at breakfast I again just felt really sad, worried and quiet. So he came upstairs after I had a shower and I just said it all to him. That I’d booked an air bnb and I was considering going because he doesn’t seem to take it seriously that sex is a big issue for me. That I’m always initiating and last time he suddenly had a “sore neck” and no attempt from him since.

He punched the wall and shouted at me and said I can’t keep going into sulks and not talking and expect him to know and now he was going to be “punished” when I left to air bnb. I said by the time I’m upset it’s already too late. That it can’t be up to me to tell him all the time when I’m upset and that HE needs to be proactive to head stuff off in the first place. I told him to take the emotion out and be honest with himself that if he doesn’t want sex we should just call it. That I have been clear and he knows this is such a pain point for me. Then I told him if he felt like it was a punishment for me to leave then why didn’t he leave and I stay with the kids?

He said he does want sex but he’s fed up when I get upset and don’t tell him, then he grabbed his phone and car keys and went.

This is what I mean. I can’t even stay in the marriage even when I want to?! I’m just too sad. And the kids heard some of it, they heard him hitting the wall.

After a while he came back and told me to go to the air bnb if I wanted and when I come back “we’ll work through it.”
I don’t know where to go from here, he thinks it’s a communication issue and says he wants to “be with me” and I think it’s more of a sex issue and that we wouldn’t have a problem if we were more matched.

It’s a cautionary tale. Lots of people think sex isn’t that important, that people don’t leave marriages over it and that just because their partner has stopped trying that it’s okay.

Well it’s not. Look at this mess.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5210913-husband-just-walked-out-intimacy-issues?page=24&reply=139873124

Sorry op. Hope you figure things out.

I'm on the other side. No intimacy of any kind since July and I'm the one avoiding it.

I think hitting the wall like that would be the end for me.

@Newstart2024 does seem there are communication issues. He’s not going to want to have sex with someone who sulks and it would be coercive to sulk anytime you felt rejected by him so it becomes a vicious cycle. Having some sessions with a sex therapist would be the next logical step but possibly also marriage counselling to work on general communication. His hitting the wall is not on but he’s clearly very frustrated by the situation too.

You’ve told him this before. He shouldn’t be acting like this is new information. Perhaps a bit of breathing space is in order. How many nights have you booked? Perhaps DH also needs to experience a few days of a reality check if what single parenting feels like. He is likely taking you for granted.

I've just read the original thread and I really don't think you could have done more to resolve this. Sex is a big thing for me as well and I couldn't be with someone that didn't have the same compatibility - whether it was bad sex, no sex or sex with conditions. It's part of who I am and sounds like part of who you are too. I am so sorry, because I know how I would feel in your situation.

His hitting the wall was totally uncalled for - he needs to apologise for that. But it sounds like despite everything he still has his head in the sand. When you come back "we'll work through it" - the whole point is that you shouldn't have to go away and them come back for him to properly address this. Unless he is the type of person to need to mull it over alone before he can decide how to act - but even then, that's fairly crap for you.

I have no practical advice, but just sending you a solidarity hug because I really do feel for you. Sex is a deal-breaker for me.

He’s become violent and is using his physical strength to try and intimidate you. Don’t leave the family home. Pretend to work things through but get to a solicitor and really find out how to leave and custody arrangements etc.

He would have addressed the intimacy issue by now if he was going to. He likes his life the way it is. It’s up to you to make the break and get the chance to have a life that works for you.

Carry on as normal and see a solicitor - don’t just go with the first one but see at least 2. This relationship isn’t salvageable. You need to be smart and get organised. A better life is out there, this one will crush you.

I don’t have an issue with him hitting the wall, he’s not an angry or aggressive person and he didn’t hit me. I’ve never seen him hit anything before. I think that’s just how bad the situation and frustrations have got.
If he had told me he’d booked an air bnb and was going to leave I’d probably feel like hitting a wall too.

Death by 1000 cuts.
There is a communication issue because when I said the other night he suddenly had a sore neck he said “yes so I just thought it would be okay to wait until next week when my neck wasn’t sore.” So I asked why didn’t you say that? Instead you knew why I was asking you upstairs and you knew I was upset and yet you didn’t reassure me? And now you’re angry that I didn’t tell you I was upset?! How’s that fair? I reminded him I had said no to a sexless marriage and he said “but our marriage isn’t sexless.” So communication an issue.

But how many times do we have to talk about this?

The counsellor last time was rubbish so maybe a good go and therapy would help but I just feel like we will somehow get here again so sure we can do the counselling and then is THAT enough? when you get the right one is it really transformative or relationship savings?!

I think the mistake was going to a counsellor who didn’t specialise in sexual intimacy

I don’t have an issue with him hitting the wall

You really should. Even if your kids didn’t hear it and they did.

he’s not an angry or aggressive person

He is now. He punched a wall to scare you into stopping talking about it.

he didn’t hit me

Big whoop. Next time he might.

I wasn’t scared. Why can’t he express himself in that way?

This is why I did the reverse I think mumsnet can be so hard on men and go way OTT … he hit a wall why isn’t that a way he can express himself when I didn’t feel scared at all? I’d rather end my marriage because of the sex than because my husband hit a wall in frustration! To be honest isn’t it a positive sign that he’s actually angry about the fact I might leave. Better than “okay off you go then”?!

On the original thread I said that the man can't just walk out and leave his wife with the kids. So on this one, the wife can't just walk out and leave the man with the kids. How is it suddenly ok?

I didn’t.

That was your plan - you just said you booked an AirBnB!

I do not understand what a reverse means, sorry. Who is who in this scenario?

Oh bloody hell, I hate reverses.
You sound like hard work OP. Communicate clearly. You said on the other thread the person who wants sex doesn't see the point in other forms of intimacy if it's not leading to sex, I take it that's actually you.
You're wrong. Very few people are going to suddenly want sex with someone who isn't affectionate with them.
I also think you're wrong to book an air BnB and leave your husband with the children, and then just leave it on him. I thought it was wrong in your first example too.

This isn't a reverse @coldcallerbaiter - the original thread was a reverse.

@Newstart2024 it is death by 1000 cuts & is soul destroying. So sorry. Hope you find a way through / out!

That’s not reversed.
He’s not touchy feely with me at all regardless of everything else. He’s absolutely fine if I cuddle up to him but he won’t with me… and I don’t feel like doing that whilst feeling rejected in other ways.

And yes I am hard work about this. It’s our only flash point. It’s something that’s not
really on his radar and something that’s very important to me, and I’ve said that to
him so many times as per original post.

God the „I would leave my husband if he hit a wall“ people are just ridiculous (imo). Doing something like that out of sheer frustration is something so many of us would do. My husband of 20+ years who never ever shouted or hit anyone, ever, did it once. If I’d left him it would’ve made me look like an utter twat.

My ex started off hitting walls.. Once when I was holding our newborn he hit a wall an inch from my head.. Escalated to smashing up our home. And any toys that dares to get in his way. Once he kicked a video recorder to bits. I didn't clean that up so I could remind him off his work the next day. He denied he had done it. Probably won't happen in your case but he progressed to raping me every night. His dps stopped visiting so they could pretend he wasn't violent.. When we divorced his dm upset him and he went to punch her. An oap at her own front door.
You need to ltb and please don't leave your dc with him unless a judge deems him fit..

I don't condone hitting the wall but if he has genuinely never been aggressive in any way before and he's just found out his wife has booked an air BnB behind his back to move out, I'd give him a pass just the once

I think OP is just a big old attention seeker. Big dramatic last thread which was a reverse, now a second thread.

I read your original thread. I know others won't agree, but I think hitting the wall is sort of a good thing. It means he cares and he's passionate, which is what you've been needing from him. It means there's a willingness to fight for your marriage.
Get a good sex therapist and see if together you can work on it. I know you've tried already and it shouldn't be on you to keep trying to fix it, but if he can demonstrate he's really trying, its worth one more shot.
Sadly I think sometimes you can get to a point where it's too little too late, and you're past trying to fix it even if they want to, but only you can decide whether that's the point you are at. Good luck op I'm rooting for you x

I can't see a way to salvage this relationship.

You want sex, he doesn't. No one is wrong, but equally it can't be resolved.

Best thing you can do is try to maintain some kind of good relationship with him, and build as good a co-parenting relationship as you can.

I'm like your DH, sex is just not important at all to me. Someone sulking and threatening to leave unless I had sex with them would be the end.