Updated continued reverse thread; Husband just walked out- intimacy issues

[Newstart2024]

I just thought I’d start a new thread as the old one is too long for people to read. link below.

As an update this morning despite saying I’m not going to leave at breakfast I again just felt really sad, worried and quiet. So he came upstairs after I had a shower and I just said it all to him. That I’d booked an air bnb and I was considering going because he doesn’t seem to take it seriously that sex is a big issue for me. That I’m always initiating and last time he suddenly had a “sore neck” and no attempt from him since.

He punched the wall and shouted at me and said I can’t keep going into sulks and not talking and expect him to know and now he was going to be “punished” when I left to air bnb. I said by the time I’m upset it’s already too late. That it can’t be up to me to tell him all the time when I’m upset and that HE needs to be proactive to head stuff off in the first place. I told him to take the emotion out and be honest with himself that if he doesn’t want sex we should just call it. That I have been clear and he knows this is such a pain point for me. Then I told him if he felt like it was a punishment for me to leave then why didn’t he leave and I stay with the kids?

He said he does want sex but he’s fed up when I get upset and don’t tell him, then he grabbed his phone and car keys and went.

This is what I mean. I can’t even stay in the marriage even when I want to?! I’m just too sad. And the kids heard some of it, they heard him hitting the wall.

After a while he came back and told me to go to the air bnb if I wanted and when I come back “we’ll work through it.”
I don’t know where to go from here, he thinks it’s a communication issue and says he wants to “be with me” and I think it’s more of a sex issue and that we wouldn’t have a problem if we were more matched.

It’s a cautionary tale. Lots of people think sex isn’t that important, that people don’t leave marriages over it and that just because their partner has stopped trying that it’s okay.

Well it’s not. Look at this mess.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5210913-husband-just-walked-out-intimacy-issues?page=24&reply=139873124

CanI, I get it must feel really hard. But being extremely horny isn't the only way to be a man. Having a low libido doesn't make anyone less of a man or woman & it doesn't mean they don't love or fancy their partner. It's just how some people are naturally.. But I get if a husband changes that must be v hurtful & they need to try to improve it. What really proves love is how someone reacts to their libido change, not the change itself.
Some men are extremely horny & care more about sex than who it's with, so they stay w a woman they dislike just to get sex. Obvs you can have a high sex drive & want to share sex w your partner bc they're your special person, but we shouldn't be putting rose coloured glasses onto v high drives either- level of drive does not alwaya equate to level of love. Both v low & v high can be issues. Sex is hooked to love for op, she needs to get it, but also if they can work on their relationship & maybe ADHD help she can also enjoy expressions of love in other ways. The thing is, he seems v nice otherwise, & OP will soon have menopause, which may well lower her drive. It seems really sad to drop this relationship for something which could be worked through, if he pulls his socks up, & which may well be less of an issue soon anyway..

@AliasGrace47 I do agree.

But I do also think that your average bloke off the street would probably in an ideal world want sex 3 times a week. If we put that as an average baseline then you'll get the outliers who want it daily and those once a month and others rarely ever if at all.

Your average woman off the street would likely be happy with sex once to twice a week. Again there will be outliers of some wanting daily and some rarely ever if at all.

Now of the OPs husband was the 'average' bloke then this wouldn't be an issue at all. Infact the OP may be the one to refuse sometimes. Like the way your typical average woman often does as your average man has a slightly higher drive. A bit that stereotype of men wanting sex and women having a headache at bed.

So if she had a relationship with your average off the street bloke this wouldn't be an issue. But because he's an outlier, it makes her look like a sex pest. When actually OP probably has a very average sex drive.

I'm not obsessed with chocolate or cake but if I didn't have any and wasn't allowed any for months and months then it'd become a bigger deal than what it was. Id probably ask for it and look for it each time I went into a shop. Id probably look like I had a big sweet tooth but I don't. I have chocolate a very average amount and don't ever really think about it. But if no sweet treats are ever available I'd feel the deficit.

So if we use that analogy in sex, OP probably has a very normal healthy sex drive. She isn't the problem.

Lack of sex affects a woman who wants it differently to a man too. Due to the gender issues there is surrounding it.
Asking for sex and being rejected is probably not nice for a man. But it's expected to a degree. There are always jokes about it everywhere, the 'sexually frustrated husband'. It's acknowledged and joked about. Women can moan to eachother about their horny husbands and men can commiserate together about lack of sex.
So when the roles reverse, it's so jarring. On both sides. As a woman your husband is suppose to want you and constantly be all over you, and jump at the chance to get down and dirty. As a man your suppose to be the initiator of sex and lust after your wife.

When that doesn't happen it hits hard on BOTH sides. A man I'm guessing feeling emasculated maybe. I don't know. But as a woman, it makes you feel so unattractive and like there's something wrong with you. Your offering it up on a platter, being what you imagine is every husband's dream, free access to enthusiastic sex and your man.. your own husband.. says no. It's a killer.

So if we use that analogy in sex, OP probably has a very normal healthy sex drive. She isn't the problem.

Everyone's sex drive is normal and healthy whether they want a lot or very little. He isn't the problem either. They are just incompatible and they were before they got married.

Love isn't finite - if you reset your thinking to the fact you CAN be in love with more than one person, it might work for you.

Obviously it's something both you and your DH have to be comfortable with.

@WallaceinAnderland okay, on an individual level yes it's fine to not want sex much or want it a lot. But if we're looking at a general average as a baseline, OP is probably like your average woman.

For example in a group of 100 women, maybe 65% of them would like sex twice a week. That's your average. Then the other 35% variations. All perfect healthy and fine whether average or a variation. But what I'm saying is OP is probably average in regards to her wants/needs. But feels like an extremist or sex pest because her DPs range isn't in the average but likely a variation on the lower side.

And the very reason you find sex so important. It's just as much about the emotional connection & being best friends as it is about relieving sexual frustration. The irony is the more connected you are with your life partner the better the sex. When you both manage to find that depth of connection again OP which you've obviously had in the past,you'll be fine. The Christmas break will be a good time to totally relax & who knows you might be back here saying how wonderful things are 😉

I think it's much more likely that he's asexual than that he's gay.

Communication on both sides sounds shit. You say he never discusses anything on the previous thread, then you finally start the discussion about you going to an airbnb and he does discuss it. Why didn't you say you were upset when he had a sore neck?

You obsess that you're never having sex - even though you are, just not as often as you'd like. You expect him to initiate even though you know he has a lower libido. If you wanted a sex pest for a husband then you should have married one - there's no shortage of them!

Sex is not a love language, it really pisses me off when people say it is! Physical touch is my love language, but I could happily only have sex twice a month. You've also got sex and love mixed up - plenty of people have sex without love, they are not the same thing!

I think there's plenty for both of you to work on tbh,

Where did you make those statistics up from?

Yup it takes 2 to tango. It’s not always the man’s fault

Seriously? 😂😂😂.
Grow up. People get upset. Do you never raise your voice or slam doors?