Updated continued reverse thread; Husband just walked out- intimacy issues

[Newstart2024]

I just thought I’d start a new thread as the old one is too long for people to read. link below.

As an update this morning despite saying I’m not going to leave at breakfast I again just felt really sad, worried and quiet. So he came upstairs after I had a shower and I just said it all to him. That I’d booked an air bnb and I was considering going because he doesn’t seem to take it seriously that sex is a big issue for me. That I’m always initiating and last time he suddenly had a “sore neck” and no attempt from him since.

He punched the wall and shouted at me and said I can’t keep going into sulks and not talking and expect him to know and now he was going to be “punished” when I left to air bnb. I said by the time I’m upset it’s already too late. That it can’t be up to me to tell him all the time when I’m upset and that HE needs to be proactive to head stuff off in the first place. I told him to take the emotion out and be honest with himself that if he doesn’t want sex we should just call it. That I have been clear and he knows this is such a pain point for me. Then I told him if he felt like it was a punishment for me to leave then why didn’t he leave and I stay with the kids?

He said he does want sex but he’s fed up when I get upset and don’t tell him, then he grabbed his phone and car keys and went.

This is what I mean. I can’t even stay in the marriage even when I want to?! I’m just too sad. And the kids heard some of it, they heard him hitting the wall.

After a while he came back and told me to go to the air bnb if I wanted and when I come back “we’ll work through it.”
I don’t know where to go from here, he thinks it’s a communication issue and says he wants to “be with me” and I think it’s more of a sex issue and that we wouldn’t have a problem if we were more matched.

It’s a cautionary tale. Lots of people think sex isn’t that important, that people don’t leave marriages over it and that just because their partner has stopped trying that it’s okay.

Well it’s not. Look at this mess.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5210913-husband-just-walked-out-intimacy-issues?page=24&reply=139873124

Of course they have they right to express an opinion, I just wanted to know why they would use that right to insult someone who has done nothing to them, seems very mean spirited and like someone who enjoys kicking people when they are down or shaming people for liking sex.

This has really made me think. On reflection I do far more initiating of hugs than DH. I have absolutely no issue with it though as he always responds. I'll need to have a chat.
😂😂😂

Seriously I'm beginning to think this is mountains out of molehills

I think you need to break up.

You're standing there waiting for him to do and say things the way you'd like. Threatening to walk and repeatedly talking about how "this might make him think differently now".

He is who he is, he likes what he likes, as do you.

Either accept his sexual appetite or walk away and find someone else if that is more important to you.

Stop waiting for him to change!

You cannot change another person, only yourself.

Lordy OP. You have two children that you need to think of in the mix of this. I’m not saying this isn’t an important problem but you are now both exposing your children to very angry behaviour and also you potentially moving out into an air bnb. I think you both sound slightly immature. Be grown up and go and see a therapist/sex therapist or agree you are going to have a trial separation. Because what you’re both doing now is helping nobody and also really not fair on your young kids.

It’s been years. It’s not going to get better. You’ve exhausted every avenue and now you’re looking to go down the same routes.

My advice would be to accept the situation for what it is or move on with your life and end the relationship. You’re ideal of a good sex life with this man looks highly unlikely at this stage because your needs are so incompatible.

Fully support you to leave your marriage but don’t walk out on the children.. my cousins were abandoned by their mother and it created so many issues for them but the worst thing was that feeling of abandonment. Do what’s best for you and the children together.

I honestly don't think this is going to work out.

My ex husband had a 'sex' problem in our marriage - it wasn't the frequency, but he had a physical issue, a too tight foreskin which meant that he couldn't have sex without wearing a condom as it was too painful otherwise, but that he also couldn't put a condom on properly. I literally begged him for years to just go and have a fucking circumcision, but he refused to acknowledge there was a problem...even after we had a condom fail, the morning after pill fail and I ended up having a termination.

That was the final straw for me. We split up about a year later, I was the one who initiated it. I was in my late 30s at the time, wasn't willing to be in a sexless marriage and also wasn't willing to take the risk of getting pregnant again.

Like my ex husband, yours doesn't see the problem. I don't think there's anyway of getting around that.

I fully supported a woman here recently who was living a life of hell. She had to leave to save her life.Wishing to turn sex from once a fortnight to once a week is hardly a reason to break up a family when there are sex therapists who could solve the issue in a few sessions.

Yes, cheating is better until everyone is calling her a slag for cheating and breaking up her family over sex.

From what i read, she is the high earner and he takes care of the kids, so course she would be the one considering leaving the family home, either way someone has to if the relationship ends. She never said she planned to turn her back on her kids and never speak to them again.

Also, how the hell is communicating your sexual needs and going to counselling 'pestering' someone??

Tell me then, honestly what is a reasonable way for someone to communicate that they are not satisfied by the sex in their marriage without being able to be accused of pestering on any level?

@Newstart2024

I was on your other thread.

After your updates here, it's pretty clear that he wants a sexless marriage. All the promising, reneging, 'deal-making', and counseling in the world isn't going to change that. And it appears to me that he believes that whatever he needs to do to achieve that, he will do. 'Aches and pains', too tired, promise then renege, and/or put sex off until you give up. The big thing is that he's entitled to have a sexless marriage if that's what he wants. And I think he knows that.

At this point you are fighting a battle that you just can't win, so you either accept it or you divorce. But if you do accept it, you need to realize that cheating absolutely cannot be a part of it because I believe you're the type that would die a little inside every time you cheated. Not just because it's wrong (even if he's broken the vow of 'with my body I thee worship') but because you've said you'll become emotionally involved. Because of the emotional issue and because I think you aren't a 'natural born cheat', I don't think an open marriage (which I don't approve of anyway) would work for you, either. You need 'emotionally based sex', not just a penis in your vagina. Sorry to be crude there.

Personally, I think he should leave. He's the one who made a promise at your wedding that he's not keeping. But you can't force him out. Only you know if you could possibly 'shame' him out.

At this point, I think you should see a solicitor. You need to find out what divorce might mean to you, financially and WRT the children. It doesn't mean you have to 'do anything', you're just educating yourself as to the possibilities. And that may help you reach a decision. Knowledge really is power.

Remember that divorce is not the 'shame and scandal' it was back when I was young. And it's not like the 'old days' where children of divorce were 'rare birds'. Your children will recover from a split. Chances are there are more children in their 'social circle' that live in a 'one parent' home due to divorce or other circumstances than who live in a 'two parent' home.

It's time to put yourself first. Children need happy parents, either together or apart and at this point neither you nor your husband is happy. Make the change that works for you, your children's happiness will follow.

Excellent advice from @AcrossthePond55 and @TheCatterall - hope you are OK @Newstart2024 Maybe you should ask him
to go to the airbnb for a few days? No reason you should move out

Across, if his drive changed that wouldn't be a broken vow. It's the lying before that makes it immoral.
Op, I get how upset you are. But try to keep thinking carefully. AirBnB is too much & walking out. But the marriage needs to end, I can't see a solution that makes either if you happy otherwise.

What a naive POV. Sex is so important in a marriage and a relationship. It’s annoying when people belittle it.

Yes. The beginning of domestic violence.

OP I'm really sorry. Your marriage is over.
This is awful for you.

Lots of people understand that their partner can turn down sex for any number of reasons, and that it doesn’t have to be perceived as a “rejection”.

From your update that you don't kiss/cuddle as it “feels fake” without sex, I think your marriage lacks far more than just sex. Do him and favour and leave.

Oh, go away!

OP has had joint counselling already, and it's solved precisely nothing.

You're not coming across like a great communicator either OP. Why has he had to wait for you to get in a strop before you bring it up? Why haven't you spoken to him about it before today? You're both playing mind games with each other.

Never once did I say sex wasn't important. I said sex issues are not an insurmountable problem when there are specialist therapists trained to help. I also said why break up a marriage before seeking out that help. OP said she loves her DH & she is attracted to him. Her DH said he 'did want sex' & Ive no doubt the love is reciprocated. Absolutely none of this appears to be taken into account by those who are shouting your marriage is over.

I have no clue which of you wants more sex but it doesn’t matter either way. Sex on a timetable with weekly targets is never going to work. Sounds bloody awful to me and probably why the one who doesn’t want the sex has got the ick.
The one who wants the sex should leave and find someone who does.

He’s saying he wants sex but his actions don’t match that at all. If he wanted sex he would initiate or be receptive to op initiating.

I was also on the other thread and remember your post about why an extra-marital 'outlet' for sex wouldn't work: you said it's not just physical for you and you fear you'd end up falling in love and that'd be worse for you both and the kids. I suppose I'm now thinking: would it really? There's the honesty argument about how it would be better to be open, end your marriage first, then start the new relationship you would be aiming to have to access the level of sex that you want. My devil's advocate argument here says that that's risky, not least because you just might not find a satisfying sexual partner. Then you've chucked in a good domestic arrangement, love and sex twice a month for none of those things. Maybe a more hard headed arrangement would be worth considering or at least trying out. You have said you're not very touchy feely or affectionate outside sex, which makes it more odd to me that you insist sex is definitely emotionally entwined for you. But I'd say either do full on sexual therapy to see if that, properly done and committed to, can fix this between you and your husband. If not then is a side arrangement worth thinking about?

For anyone thinking this is all pretty mercenary, remember that OP has also said she has a high earning full on job and depends on her husband to do childcare. Breaking up the marriage will almost certainly mean her seeing a lot less of her children. I would want to explore all options to avoid that first, even the morally less palatable ones.

I don't think he will change OP unless there is actually a physical reason for his lack of interest in sex.

What you need to decide is whether lack of sex will cause so much resentment on your part that the marriage will fail anyway or whether you can put up with it for the sake of the family as a whole.

Obviously if you divorce there is no guarantee that you will meet someone else who not only gives you good sex but also fulfils all your other relationship needs.

It's an awful position to be in. Perhaps, if he agrees to it, going to a specialist sex therapist may be the next step. If that doesn't have a positive outcome then I think you need to separate as it looks as if this issue will make your marriage more and more toxic.

Yes this pisses me off too. You wouldnt say someone was teetotal if they had a glass of wine twice a year.

Really this. At this point I just think if you have to go through all this therapy and all to hopefully make him want to have sex is awful. There is someone out there who will want to be intimate and he will find someone who doesn't. You deserve more.

@BlushingBrightly

Although it's pretty clear my stand against cheating and open marriages, I don't think it hurts that you've suggested an 'alternative'. OP needs to consider ALL her options and find the one that works best for her.

Then you've chucked in a good domestic arrangement, love and sex twice a month for none of those things

The problem is that her DH promises then reneges on any 'compromise' by using excuses, feigning ignorance of her 'cues', and 'self-righteousness'. So even twice a month is not guaranteed and has to be 'pushed for' by the OP.

If I had to basically coerce my DH into sex or if I felt he was giving me sex when he'd really rather not, my self-esteem would die a bit every time. I think eventually my love for him would turn into hate and/or resentment. Maybe I'm imputing my feelings into OP's words, but I think she'd end up the same way.

She'd end up in a 'marriage of convenience' and would need to make up her mind to live in a truly sexless marriage in exchange for a good domestic arrangement. That's doable, but unless you have the right mindset, you aren't going to be very happy, comfortable domestic arrangement or no.

Could I personally live in a sexless marriage? Yes, if there was a medical or physical reason for it. After 35+ years, my love for DH is still deep enough that I'd still be happy just to be with him. But if he made promises from the very start that he didn't intend to keep? Not only no, but hell no.