Updated continued reverse thread; Husband just walked out- intimacy issues

[Newstart2024]

I just thought I’d start a new thread as the old one is too long for people to read. link below.

As an update this morning despite saying I’m not going to leave at breakfast I again just felt really sad, worried and quiet. So he came upstairs after I had a shower and I just said it all to him. That I’d booked an air bnb and I was considering going because he doesn’t seem to take it seriously that sex is a big issue for me. That I’m always initiating and last time he suddenly had a “sore neck” and no attempt from him since.

He punched the wall and shouted at me and said I can’t keep going into sulks and not talking and expect him to know and now he was going to be “punished” when I left to air bnb. I said by the time I’m upset it’s already too late. That it can’t be up to me to tell him all the time when I’m upset and that HE needs to be proactive to head stuff off in the first place. I told him to take the emotion out and be honest with himself that if he doesn’t want sex we should just call it. That I have been clear and he knows this is such a pain point for me. Then I told him if he felt like it was a punishment for me to leave then why didn’t he leave and I stay with the kids?

He said he does want sex but he’s fed up when I get upset and don’t tell him, then he grabbed his phone and car keys and went.

This is what I mean. I can’t even stay in the marriage even when I want to?! I’m just too sad. And the kids heard some of it, they heard him hitting the wall.

After a while he came back and told me to go to the air bnb if I wanted and when I come back “we’ll work through it.”
I don’t know where to go from here, he thinks it’s a communication issue and says he wants to “be with me” and I think it’s more of a sex issue and that we wouldn’t have a problem if we were more matched.

It’s a cautionary tale. Lots of people think sex isn’t that important, that people don’t leave marriages over it and that just because their partner has stopped trying that it’s okay.

Well it’s not. Look at this mess.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5210913-husband-just-walked-out-intimacy-issues?page=24&reply=139873124

You can go round in circles like this for years OP, but nothing will change. You are both unhappy and your DC deserve to be raised in happy households even if that means they are separate ones.

Rip the plaster off. It's the only way to stop this slow form of torture and while you can both remain good co-parents. Bitterness and resentment will destroy that if you're not careful. I wish you well.

What annoys me is when he came up and asked “what’s wrong” and I said calmly “what do you think might be wrong” straight away he said you invited me upstairs the other day but we didn’t have sex.
so he knows…. But waits all along for me to admit it. What does he hope will happen in between?

The best thing I could have said was if you think it’s a punishment you go to the air bnb. He knows how tricky it will be for me to take on the childcare and how much of a hard task it is in general yet it wasn’t about that it was about the marriage. That’s probably given him the most to think about.

Why didn't you just answer his question? Your communication is terrible.

So much drama, reverses and some of it comes across as complete nonsense.
Life is too short for all this, it really is.

Honestly I think you beee split up. You are not compatible. It's best to do it before bitterness sets in

I have seen this ex

Sorry posted ton soon. I have seen this same senario play out with friends. . There is no compromise for either party

So are you going to the Airbnb if he said it was a good idea? A few days breathing space might be helpful but I'd be letting him know it's thinking time for BOTH of you on how/if this can be addressed when you get back. Really I'd be wanting to see him suggest therapy so it doesn't feel like you're dragging a horse to water.

He is not going to want more sex

You can talk, cajole and see counsellors til you're blue in the face.....he will NEVER want more sex

So..... what's actually happening is that you want things your way (sex once a week or more) he wants things his way (rarely having sex)

And you are both hoping to get your own way by playing games and messing with each other's heads

Both your communication is shockingly bad. Youre like two children

Why dont you take a lover

Or you split up

But this ongoing rubbish situation is not good for the children

@Newstart2024 massive squishes for the situation and the grief you are getting on here.

I would put it to him that to consider saving the relationship- let alone the marriage - he needs to see a GP and have his testosterone levels tested. All the sex therapy and counselling in the world won’t help if his low libido is due to a hormonal imbalance. If his GP won’t then look at going private.

Just imagine if all this grief is down to a low testosterone drive and all these years he’s done nothing about it!

So sorry you’ve had this all happen, OP. For me, it would no longer be about sex but instead the punching the wall would be it for me. Especially knowing the kids are in the house and potentially in earshot/view of it.

You absolutely CAN leave. You’ve told him over and over how this is a dealbreaker for you, and it’s gone in one ear and out the other. While I do think it’s unfair to expect someone to just know how you’re feeling, that’s not the case here. You’ve told him. Multiple times. So that’s just a cop out excuse from him really.

He says he does want sex, but history has shown the opposite. That won’t change, neither will you, so all that can change is the situation. And now he’s punching walls?. This is unhealthy for you both it seems, definitely for the kids. You have to ask yourself when enough is enough, and realize that if things haven’t changed by now, it won’t

When people show you who they are, believe them

You do keep saying your marriage is sexless, but it’s not. It’s twice a month. Sexless marriage is never, or twice a year!!

I do think it’s a communication issue on both ends, and also an unreasonable expectation on both ends. He expects you to settle for less sex (unreasonable) but you assume twice a month (sometimes more) is sexless. Have you told him how much sex you want? Is it daily? Weekly?

You set reminders on your phone (or at least I believe you mentioned doing so in your last post), but if he says no, that’s it then really. If you’re sulking because he’s saying no, that’s not very fair for either of you

This would be a good idea. If he isn't willing to give you any reasons or investigate if there are any health issues going on then I don't think there is anything more you can do. I wouldn't agree to go to more counselling unless there was something new to talk about.

If you don't want to actually leave yet, you could end the relationship part and just stay living together until you feel ready to move on, but I would make it clear to him that you will be dating other people as soon as you are ready to.
Do you think he would be willing to consider that type of arrangement?

This!

A sexless marriage is not 'never or twice a year.'
Also, it hardly matters how much it is really since it's clearly not enough to satisfy her and he clearly doesn't even want it to be twice a month.

But he’s not wrong by saying their marriage isn’t sexless. They’re having sex twice a month. She wants more, he doesn’t. She can’t force him to want sex or have more sex.

So it's ok to pester someone for sex and threaten to leave 3 young kids behind because that person doesn't feel like having sex more than twice a month, but it's not ok to call the OP out on it? It's true I would not be attracted to someone who pestered me for sex and gave me ultimatums over it. It's a forum. I gave my view. If sex is the issue - rather than forcing someone to have sex they don't want, getting it from somewhere else is the better solution in my view.

I'm sorry OP but sometimes we expect our partners to be mind readers. There have been occasions when all I've wanted is a cuddle & because my husband hasn't 'anticipated' it I've had an internal strop thinking he can't have feelings where actually there is nothing further from the truth. Now if I feel like a hug & it hasn't happened spontaneously I just say 'I need a hug' There is absolutely nothing wrong with that. Are you overthinking all of this OP?

While I don’t agree with the recommendation to cheat (and OP has specifically said she’d hate to do it but does fear she would if she stayed), the poster you’re replying to has every right to express their opinion however they choose, just like you and I

100%

Sorry,I don't agree

It may not be sexless but it's definitely not sexually satisfying, that is the key here.
Being married to someone who has zero desire for you is emotionally damaging to most people. This isn't about ticking off a checklist box of chores. If she has to drag that twice a month out of him then she doesn't have a willing and enthusiastic sex partner who makes her feel desired.

It is highly selfish to decide you just like having someone around and they fit your needs for shared parenting or finances but you couldn't care less what they require from the deal to also be happy.
People get one life to live, and if the love you say you have for your partner is actually worth anything to them then you would care if they were unhappy with the relationship, that would bother you enough to consider making some changes.

She cannot force him into more sex of course not, but he cannot continue to expect to come home to a happy and loving wife either.

I agree, he can’t expect things to be fine from here on out, especially as OP has told him even before marriage that their sex life isn’t enough for her. However, OP seems to think that kicking a dead horse is healthy for everyone involved, when it’s clearly not.

I truly feel for the kids in this situation tbh. Their parents won’t do the adult thing and separate as friends, but instead are insisting on fixing something that was broken from the very beginning, and has proved time and time again to not be fixable.

The relationship is over. It’s up to them now to figure out a way to move forward as parents

So that thread was a reverse and you're going to walk out and leave your kids?