Updated continued reverse thread; Husband just walked out- intimacy issues

[Newstart2024]

I just thought I’d start a new thread as the old one is too long for people to read. link below.

As an update this morning despite saying I’m not going to leave at breakfast I again just felt really sad, worried and quiet. So he came upstairs after I had a shower and I just said it all to him. That I’d booked an air bnb and I was considering going because he doesn’t seem to take it seriously that sex is a big issue for me. That I’m always initiating and last time he suddenly had a “sore neck” and no attempt from him since.

He punched the wall and shouted at me and said I can’t keep going into sulks and not talking and expect him to know and now he was going to be “punished” when I left to air bnb. I said by the time I’m upset it’s already too late. That it can’t be up to me to tell him all the time when I’m upset and that HE needs to be proactive to head stuff off in the first place. I told him to take the emotion out and be honest with himself that if he doesn’t want sex we should just call it. That I have been clear and he knows this is such a pain point for me. Then I told him if he felt like it was a punishment for me to leave then why didn’t he leave and I stay with the kids?

He said he does want sex but he’s fed up when I get upset and don’t tell him, then he grabbed his phone and car keys and went.

This is what I mean. I can’t even stay in the marriage even when I want to?! I’m just too sad. And the kids heard some of it, they heard him hitting the wall.

After a while he came back and told me to go to the air bnb if I wanted and when I come back “we’ll work through it.”
I don’t know where to go from here, he thinks it’s a communication issue and says he wants to “be with me” and I think it’s more of a sex issue and that we wouldn’t have a problem if we were more matched.

It’s a cautionary tale. Lots of people think sex isn’t that important, that people don’t leave marriages over it and that just because their partner has stopped trying that it’s okay.

Well it’s not. Look at this mess.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5210913-husband-just-walked-out-intimacy-issues?page=24&reply=139873124

To add - I also found him watching lesbian porn early on in the relationship. And he had female celebrity crushes. But real women, in the flesh? Absolutely couldn't do it. He'd been kidding himself, and the fantasy he could manage but the reality was impossible beyond the very early days. And even then I felt something wasn't right - but I was young and naive.

Hi all, I have read the replies and thanks. Things have calmed down as we’ve had a few chances to chat.

He has reassured me that he does want sex and probably more than we do but he said given we’ve basically done 7 years of cosleeping with our kids (can’t stand sleep training myself) he finds it hard to be spontaneous because we have to purposefully stay in the same bed. It’s probably why the baby sex was easier because we were on a schedule so there wasn’t much of a negotiation about days and times!

The thing that brought it to a head again is that I knew I wanted to be together again and suddenly he’s mentioning a sore neck. It’s the rejection and it is always the rejection that’s the worst bit. I am waiting an ADHD assessment and I know that there’s something associated with ADHD which is rejection sensitivity dysphoria and I think it’s worth exploring. It’s not a get out of jail card and I’m not saying it’s all my fault but it might be why it’s so hard for me to talk to him about and my reactions can be so extreme.

We always have and we will be able to flex our needs around each other (his libido is lower than mine though) but the rejection is the trigger point. And our communication about sex is basically obviously really bad. We have never even asked each other about our relationships before each other.

I can’t walk away from the marriage because of the children. And also I love him, we don’t have any other gripes.
So as long as we’re open about it, even if we’re not quite in sync, will have to settle for it but I can’t gauge where his baseline really is and he doesn’t really say.

I am sooo out of ideas and i don’t think we can solve this on our own so going to research a therapist that specializes in sex, and not a general one that asked him if he was gay and told me to stop breastfeeding our 9 month old to move her out of the bedroom!

What more can I ask for in this situation than a husband who at least seemed to care I was leaving, reassures me he wants a sex life, will come to therapy to solve it, and who looks like Michael Buble? :D :D

Keep your fingers crossed for us.

So he's blamed you and the kids and taken no real responsibility, and still won't tell you what he wants.

<Sigh>

This thread screams repressed gay to me. Doesn't mean he would ever act on it or went to but he doesn't fancy you. I've He might never come clean so I'd end the relationship.

I get that and I’m aware of it absolutely. We haven’t spoken about what he’d like because we’re snatching 5 minute chats around the kids. But I told him if it’s nothing we should just call it.
He isn’t ‘blaming’ he’s ‘communicating’ his side. So I have to have good faith that’s true.

I’m going to ask him tonight his baseline I’m going to ask him if he’s gay and I’m going to ask him about his sexual history but now the sting is out of the rejection it’s just trying to understand it.

If we can’t get over this, even with therapy, if his baseline is nothing… it will end one day. But at least it will be with as much calm and understanding as ever and knowing we did all we could?

@Newstart2024 but while you were talking about sex, him wanting it, maybe talk to a therapist blah blah blah, he could have put his money where his mouth is and just got on with it, had sex! My libido is way below my partner’s, I make sure to initiate at least one a week otherwise he would be miserable, he wants it a lot more, I don’t care as much, there’s no point in just talking about it, that just kicks the can down the road, just do it.

I haven't read every single post.

But OP you sound like you are being a pain in the neck. Show your poor husband some respect. Apologise for the dramatics.

He fancied you previously. So what has changed?

Do you feel overwhelmed by kids and well paid job?

Don't ask hom outright if he is gay, it won't go down well.
Ask him about what kind of sex he likes and is into or there is anything you haven't tried together that interests him. Then listen carefully to how he answers.

Everything you're saying, I've done. And it doesn't work. I'm not being mean or cynical, but it's like the pick-me dance when someone is having an affair.

Same words, same way he expresses things, same thoughts you're having and going over in your head. If he is gay, he'll say no. So there's no point in even asking, but try.

All I can say is good luck, OP. I'm not being cruel, I promise. I really hope I'm wrong. My advice to you would be cut it off now and save yourself the misery years down the line. And wasted chances.

I had a John Lennon lookalike. Now I've got a man who belongs in a Bronte novel, and he actually wants me. If nothing else, don't be blindsided and don't blame yourself.

Just leave and get a divorce

OP please don't ask him if he's gay, the evidence (he has fortnightly good sex with you with no performance issues) suggests quite clearly to me that he isn't, and I think it will really really irritate him to be asked that

Having read a few of your updates I wonder whether being the primary caregiver is affecting his libido actually. Apologies if this is tmi on a primarily women's forum, but I'm a dad who did two stints of extended paternity leave for a few months each with both of my boys when they were 9 months old, and each time my libido almost fully tanked. I was perma-knackered (both kids being stubborn 5.30am risers didn't help there), felt a bit emasculated despite it logically not making sense to feel like that given it was fully my choice and nobody ever actually said anything about my being a sahp, and just was generally a bit uneasy in terms of sexual confidence. It's possible this is affecting your husband's confidence to put a block on initiating - maybe not applicable, but might be worth exploring with him before you ask if he is gay

Edit - caregiver, not caretaker. Although it sounds like he's also handy with a broom

Her initial thread said sex was an issue before kids, they discussed it with the vicar when then got married so this can't be put down to being the primary childcarer....

Yep, like pp said - this is a long term issue. He's now blaming it on kids, but it's not. He's always been this way and kids/cosleeping/SAHD life is a convenient excuse.

My DH was nearly crippled by a horse and off work for 2 years, did the lion's share of childcare as we lost a wage and couldn't afford nursery. He didn't feel emasculated despite barely being able to walk while he looked after our daughter. It's an excuse.

Just on that I actually said that I was more aware of dry spells than he was. Which fits in with me being much more sensitive about rejection than the sex itself. When we were getting married we had sex a few times a week. Like probably most young couples do (unless you’re the couple on the other thread doing every morning and night!).

To be honest in my first update on the other thread this morning I said I couldn’t leave my family anyway and I can’t. So what’s the harm
In trying to make it work for a few more years, either there’s a slim chance we’ll crack it or maybe more likely it will still be a problem and the kids will be older and hopefully make the split a bit easier (at least on ourselves, looking after 3 kids is hard).

And to the other poster yes he resents doing more of the childcare but unless we all want to live in a caravan he’s going to have to suck it up? If it’s affecting his libido… tell me so I can at least understand.

You're blaming yourself again.

You're not sensitive to rejection, you just want a healthy sex life. As you're entitled to. Obviously he can't give that to you, or isn't willing. It's always more at the start - you wouldn't stay with them if it wasn't!

Leaving it until they're older just means you've wasted more years of your life where you could have been happy. You don't have to "leave your family"; you can have a mutual separation. You're not going out for milk and never coming back!

@Newstart2024 it may be worthwhile asking whether him doing the most childcare is a problem. It could well be given you say he resents it and you've said you pushed for the 3rd child. You basically asked him to do more of what he didn't like in order to keep you happy and give you the 3rd child you wanted.

If he didn't want a 3rd child, he could have said no. I'd like a 5th cat. My DH says no. So we're not.

This has been a difficult thread to follow op so apologies if I've missed vital information.

I have seen the mention of pornography and masturbation so that would indicate he does have a sexual drive or atleast a sexual focus/potential unhealthy coping mechanism.

It would be worth exploring this to see if this is a issue before going to a sex therapist because in all honesty there are a lot of rubbish therapists out there. You really need to do your research and interview them. It can help massively if you both feel like you understand what the issue is. Fully appreciate difficult to do and both or either one of you might not want to look at the core issues/be honest. It's an incredibly vunerable thing to do.

The field has been flooded with a version of toxic "sex positivity" that can really miss some fundamental core issues. So much surprisingly isn't about sex whatsoever.

Have a look at love after porn on reddit, resources and dead bedrooms. Dr omar minwhallas secret sexual basement. Helping couples heal podcast. See if anything feels like it applies to your situation. It may very not at all. But it's often overlooked and misdiagnosed. Leading couples to never fully understand what's going on/ never leave the unhealthy cycle. The fatigue sets in and they give up. Who could blame them.
The worry is if we don't look at ourselves deeper we are potentially doomed to repeat these cycles with our next partner.

If anything does feel like it resonates I'd reccomend doing a free 30 min consultation with Chris Jones therapy.

I'd definitely explore other what may seem niche avenues if you feel you've already tried all the more obvious tradtional routes(having a date night etc)/therapy to increase communication and intimacy.

You're completely valid for wanting a healthy sex life and a partner that values you. In this relationship or the next whatever you decide.

This didn’t quote the post but was about him resenting the childcare mix.
Yes I know it’s hard but we did mitigate it with this morning once a week off. Also apart from sharing household chores I literally do everything else. The finances, the holidays, the birthday parties, the weekly shop, cooking dinners…. Yet he does maybe 60% of the childcare and it’s impacting our sex life.

I work in a male dominated field, earn the money, struggle without sex life… I feel like I’m taking on all the male issues and believe me from this side I have a lot of empathy for the men in my position!
I’d love to switch with him but it’s not going to happen. And yes I’m defensive about it because isn’t it so terrible for him?!!

Sounds like an issue to me before if you were picking up on dry spells and he wasn't. Yes I am one of those couples that did it morning and night pre kids. Those were the days!

Maybe look at whether the sex you had pre kids was fulfilling? Like sex twice a week is poor in my books but if it was passionate and intense it's less of an issue. Then you can work out if you think it's down to family life or if it was always an issue and family life has magnified it.

The sex is great 👍🏻👍🏻

Well that is great then, I'd imagine there is a good chance of it working out if you still have genuine passion and connection. If you're still able to have great sex (even if it is less frequent) id personally stick it out a few more years while the kids are young and see how things go. Sounds like that's what your thinking of doing from your updates.

Without sounding harsh, my ex was completely off sex with me and I found it so disheartening and frustrating.
After a couple of years of dragging along, I discovered he just didn't fancy me anymore and was speaking to/meeting with other women behind my back.
Do you have any feeling he may be looking elsewhere?

What was his sex drive like in past relationships? Has he ever discussed it with you?

We had a good chat last night.
I think the one thing that really helped is he just didn’t think this was an issue that I’d get so upset about I’d leave the house over.
He is a passive person and I am a proactive person and it’s always worked but it doesn’t for this because it’s too personal to me and I take it as a rejection.

At our previous counselling we came away with me initiating some times (I never really used to and would just stew over it) and me flagging when I was feeling upset and when we’ve gone over that last night what was there for him to do?! It’s all on me? Also it’s so hard to speak up when you’re feeling rejected, it’s a further humiliation.

So now he knows that I’m so upset it’s air bnb territory he has promised to be more proactive. He said off his own bat and to his own devices with opportunity he would be happy with once a week and some weeks more, so I have to believe that at face value. I don’t know why he would lie he knows I’m not going anywhere at the moment. He says he’s not gay and says he’s attracted to me so… we’ll see. Once a week plus is fine by me with our young kids and busy lives because it’s romantic and good.

My nervousness is if we’ve agreed this “schedule” and don’t keep to it, what then? So maybe a schedule is playing with fire…. (Possibly that is all overthinking and catastrophising but hey, welcome to my world). Then i’m stuck and probably needs guidance from a sex therapist but to be honest I’m too busy with work at the moment, the kids and the run up to Christmas. So if it’s not better over the next 6 weeks will look at it in the New Year.

It's great that you're both communicating and open to working on things. No one knows what the future holds so you can only take him at his word and go from there. Just remember to keep communicating, even when things are going well or have been for a while, don't let communicating fall by the wayside just because you've done it before. It's a constant, ongoing thing x