Updated continued reverse thread; Husband just walked out- intimacy issues

[Newstart2024]

I just thought I’d start a new thread as the old one is too long for people to read. link below.

As an update this morning despite saying I’m not going to leave at breakfast I again just felt really sad, worried and quiet. So he came upstairs after I had a shower and I just said it all to him. That I’d booked an air bnb and I was considering going because he doesn’t seem to take it seriously that sex is a big issue for me. That I’m always initiating and last time he suddenly had a “sore neck” and no attempt from him since.

He punched the wall and shouted at me and said I can’t keep going into sulks and not talking and expect him to know and now he was going to be “punished” when I left to air bnb. I said by the time I’m upset it’s already too late. That it can’t be up to me to tell him all the time when I’m upset and that HE needs to be proactive to head stuff off in the first place. I told him to take the emotion out and be honest with himself that if he doesn’t want sex we should just call it. That I have been clear and he knows this is such a pain point for me. Then I told him if he felt like it was a punishment for me to leave then why didn’t he leave and I stay with the kids?

He said he does want sex but he’s fed up when I get upset and don’t tell him, then he grabbed his phone and car keys and went.

This is what I mean. I can’t even stay in the marriage even when I want to?! I’m just too sad. And the kids heard some of it, they heard him hitting the wall.

After a while he came back and told me to go to the air bnb if I wanted and when I come back “we’ll work through it.”
I don’t know where to go from here, he thinks it’s a communication issue and says he wants to “be with me” and I think it’s more of a sex issue and that we wouldn’t have a problem if we were more matched.

It’s a cautionary tale. Lots of people think sex isn’t that important, that people don’t leave marriages over it and that just because their partner has stopped trying that it’s okay.

Well it’s not. Look at this mess.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5210913-husband-just-walked-out-intimacy-issues?page=24&reply=139873124

Ok so well done on communicating obviously, and again lots and lots more talking and him giving reassurance etc, but has he actually put it into practice yet, could have then and there. I know my post will come across as incredibly odd and intrusive, but you’ve had a couple of chats now and he still hasn’t just shut up and come on to you, just more and more talk, it’s meaningless without action, which in this case is pretty simple if it’s wanted. I hope he actually does change this time, even though from looking in, the same tactics are being employed. I say this as someone who was once your husband, and still could be if I didn’t say to myself, I love my partner, and just make a move, because really I’d happily just lay on the sofa with a Kit Kat instead.

Just like that! So easy! So simple! Why haven't you thought of this already OP?

He asked me to have sex last night but I said no because it would be pity sex and all of this did NOT make me feel sexy!

I’ll mention it again - @Newstart2024 its really worth getting his testosterone levels checked. It’s such a simple ‘fix’ if they are low.

Maybe you both need to try to put the fun back into things and focus more on sexual touch as much as actual sex. Games, toys, massage etc. when we hit a dry spell things like this amp back up the 'want' and not it all just feeling like 'have' to which us where you're both going to be stuck. Are the kids still in bed with you?

Ok OP, that is understandable, but careful not to end up in a standoff situation, I remember that happening, one of you has to give in at some point to get things going again.

@Newstart2024 that sounds like a positive conversation but be very cautious about having a schedule right now. Given how unloved you feel without sex, the feelings of rejection will no doubt intensify if the ‘schedule’ is not adhered to. Have you discussed with your DH what gets him in the mood or makes him feel loved? It’s likely that if you focus more on that than your own needs it might come about more organically. Try to focus on the fact that he wants this to work, that in his view lack of sex does not equate to lack of love. You’ve said your feelings of rejection lead you to sulking which won’t encourage him to engage with you so instead of sulking, do as you’ve done today, have an honest conversation explaining your feelings without attacking him. Let him explain why he’s not initiated or reciprocated on that occasion but don’t sulk because it then verges into the territory of being coercive as well as being unattractive, further fuelling the cycle. instead focus on regular touch, kissing, being playful with each other, rediscovering each other, it will hopefully come more naturally.

Can ask him but he says the desire it’s there it’s just the coordination of sleeping in the same room and basically being proactive about “tonight’s the night.”
also… he is such a nice guy would testosterone make him aggressive or quick to anger. I don’t want his personality to change?

@Newstart2024 i would ask a gp or an actual medical website on the possible effects.

given your updates on him saying libido is there - then it does sound like the mismatch is elsewhere as you have since discussed. There is also a male ‘menopause’ but it doesn’t sound like he has any of the symptoms of low testosterone after your talk?

Personally I need physical affection and to feel loved in other ways before I’d even consider sex. And not just someone getting touchy feely as they want it to lead to sex.

I think there is so much more to our inner needs that we need before some of us can feel like having sex. And having a number I need to fulfil each week wouldn’t make me feel loved so it’s a difficult one for both of you to work through but I wish you luck with it.

I've read most of your two threads. It sounds like you feel a lot better about things after getting to have a proper talk with him about it, which is great. My suggestion is that you try to agree to have a regular talk time, maybe once a fortnight, where you both talk about how you're feeling, but emphasising the positives where possible and giving each other compliments (e.g. you could say "I love that you look like Michael Buble, so it's no wonder I'm so attracted to you - I'd love to hear about what you'd like to do in bed together next time we have time"). That way hopefully it could be a nice connecting kind of talk and you could each keep up-to-date with how the other one is feeling about things, rather than tension building up quietly and then exploding.

Thanks, I don’t think he does have it because he has stubbly beard, we have children so not infertile and we’ve never started sex and then had a problem with ED? So it’s not really ringing true?!
But thanks for flagging as I’m sure it is true for some men!

poor sod can't win.

I think you would do well by prioritising your own therapy. You say you can't end this toxic mess because of the kids - please don't get stuck in that mindset. You are damaging them whether you realise it or not. You all deserve peace - if you are not able to prioritise this (because of Christmas?!) and he is not able to also move towards the point where you are working together, then its madness to continue.

I think it's good you talked to each other but I still doubt this will improve. You showed him you were mightily pissed off and ready to walk....he's shit himself and is now on damage control. Like I said earlier, he will probably temporarily make some changes but it will revert back. Mark my words.

Yeah sure but if you’re pissed off at your husband for say never spending time with the kids and after a big fight he says “fine okay okay I’ll take them to the park.” It’s not exactly the same as him just taking them to the park in the first place is it!?

That would only be true if he was overdosing in testosterone. Not if you are replacing it to normal levels.

Yes I think so too but like I say not going anywhere just yet anyway.

The only thing that gives me hope is it never really dawned on him before that HE should do something. Last time it was me to initiate and me to speak up when I’m feeling upset. I’m actually not great at speaking up when I’m upset and we know that now. So he’s admitted he needs to be thinking about heading that off.

Not being assertive is his personality tbh and I don’t think I could be with someone who really was, I’m a type A personality myself.

indeed - but that's your stuff to sort out as well. Why would you want to be his mum anyway ?

> poor sod can't win.

Oh, give over. Is she not allowed to want decent sex in her life? Should she just be grateful for any minimum-effort, reluctant pity sex she gets?

@Newstart2024 I am not sure how it hasn’t dawned on him before that sex was important to you? And lack of it was an issue in the marriage? I was of the understanding this was discussed in detail in marriage counselling and a date once a week ageed upon.
i do think like the others he’s shit himself. The fact that he isn’t soft and the sex is good is a positive sign. Would be far worse if the sex was crap and he couldn’t get hard . You do need to improve your communication though and so does he. Weekly check ins would be good to discuss all aspects of the relationship. I also think you both need to be more affectionate or establish an alternative love language out of the bedroom too!

I hate reverses I think they’re really sly. I replied that I thought the sex chaser (whoever that is!) was being a bit ott. I still think that now I know it’s the female! Think there’s more to this, and I feel my time and effort in replying was used as a plot twist. Not a nice feeling.

I appreciate that but can you imagine if my post had been "my dh won't have sex with me, I'm going to leave my 3 children behind and move into an airbnb down the road." I would have got absolutely slaughtered on mumsnet!!

Apologies to those who feel duped but honestly the advice I got has been really really useful.

The once a week check in just of the relationship and not necessarily being about the once a week sex schedule is actually a really good idea because it's an opportunity for reassurance, and being in general more touchy feely also sounds like a good shout... wouldn't have thought of those really myself.

I think it did but that the actions were all on me after counselling last time, on me to initiate when I wanted it and on me to flag when I was upset. So he knows its important and now hopefully he knows prevention is better than cure, and it's probably the one thing I'm not always going to take the lead on.

Op

God imagine your whole life being in the balance if you don’t start putting out more?!

There are ways and means and your way was not the right way

Quite a lot of power here op with your high earning status etc

You’d actually crap yourself if he walked as you’d be screwed (no pun intended)

Punching a wall is domestic violence and you have every right to report that to the police - I wish I did when my ex did that

OP - i read your last post, and now this one. You need to split up - this CANNOT work, he will resent your 'forcing' him to have sex, and you will resent him for making you out to be some sex pest. You are totally mismatched. You will end up hating each other and by that time - it will be too late. Find someone who is in sync with you, not him. You've done ALL you can.