Updated continued reverse thread; Husband just walked out- intimacy issues

[Newstart2024]

I just thought I’d start a new thread as the old one is too long for people to read. link below.

As an update this morning despite saying I’m not going to leave at breakfast I again just felt really sad, worried and quiet. So he came upstairs after I had a shower and I just said it all to him. That I’d booked an air bnb and I was considering going because he doesn’t seem to take it seriously that sex is a big issue for me. That I’m always initiating and last time he suddenly had a “sore neck” and no attempt from him since.

He punched the wall and shouted at me and said I can’t keep going into sulks and not talking and expect him to know and now he was going to be “punished” when I left to air bnb. I said by the time I’m upset it’s already too late. That it can’t be up to me to tell him all the time when I’m upset and that HE needs to be proactive to head stuff off in the first place. I told him to take the emotion out and be honest with himself that if he doesn’t want sex we should just call it. That I have been clear and he knows this is such a pain point for me. Then I told him if he felt like it was a punishment for me to leave then why didn’t he leave and I stay with the kids?

He said he does want sex but he’s fed up when I get upset and don’t tell him, then he grabbed his phone and car keys and went.

This is what I mean. I can’t even stay in the marriage even when I want to?! I’m just too sad. And the kids heard some of it, they heard him hitting the wall.

After a while he came back and told me to go to the air bnb if I wanted and when I come back “we’ll work through it.”
I don’t know where to go from here, he thinks it’s a communication issue and says he wants to “be with me” and I think it’s more of a sex issue and that we wouldn’t have a problem if we were more matched.

It’s a cautionary tale. Lots of people think sex isn’t that important, that people don’t leave marriages over it and that just because their partner has stopped trying that it’s okay.

Well it’s not. Look at this mess.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5210913-husband-just-walked-out-intimacy-issues?page=24&reply=139873124

She’s done everything to try to fix this.

If you and your partner are not sexually compatible and all avenues of help have been exhausted, the relationship is over.

You need to split up. Not just because of the sex, but because he appears to have no interest in resolving or even communicating the issue.
If he really wanted sex, you'd be having sex. If he doesn't want sex he should be honest about why, or try to resolve it.
Life is too short to live like this.

Just because you said you didn't want a sexless marriage doesn't mean you can ' hold home to it'
You sound completely incompatible.
Don't leave your kids just find a way to separate if that's what you both want.

I supported you OP when you were a man and still do now you are posting under your true identity. Also anyone going on about her husband being violent, she has explained that him hitting the wall was nothing, also she has explained that the kids will be fine and looked after.

There is a line in Victoria woods ‘Dinner ladies’ from the character Anita, it’s something like “we will get around to having sex, but it’s best to get Christmas out the way first”, your husband sounds that sort.

You mentioned in an earlier post that he didn’t come upstairs when you were having a date night to watch a film in bed and have sex, he hung around downstairs doing nothing to avoid having to do it, that’s absolutely infuriating. Also the sore neck is the same. All the councelling you’ve had is just endless hollow time wasting, time that could have been spent actually just getting on with it and having sex. He’s suggested more councelling , again it just gives him some time where he doesn’t have to have sex, because until you have seen a councillor you won’t need to, because whatever fake issues he has imagined haven’t been resolved yet, if you are going to have sex, then you can literally just do it whenever, it costs nothing, but he just doesn’t want to.

Someone on the other thread said that he probably suggested a third child because he hoped it would Reck your libido, or would give further excuses of being tired and a way to get out of it for a bit, I can definitely believe that.

People who want to just be left alone, or just purely want kids or someone for company have absolutely no right in trapping somebody in a relationship.

OP don’t wait too long, obviously take some time to do it right, but get moving on plans to separate and co parent, you will find a man who can’t get enough of you sexually, don’t waste years depriving yourself of that, he should be happy then, he won’t have to bother with sex and can sit in a chair somewhere.

And he doesn't want sex. He's avoiding it at all costs.

I read the other thread. I noticed you were aware some years ago that he was watching lesbian porn. I also understand he earns less, does more childcare. I wonder if he has always felt under pressure with sex. Feeling a lack of a sense of agency or potency. It is hard to say, not knowing you both, but I think that some sessions with a sex therapist could really help you both find some more inventive ways to each other. You are both clearly frustrated but it does sound as if you could both be helped to find a way forward.

Nobody owes anyone else sex.
Full stop.

You sound like a nightmare OP. Grow up!

No amount of counselling will fix this op. It may temporarily improve but he will always revert back I'm afraid.

If I was you I'd start focusing on how to end this as amicably and calmly for the sake of your DC, who will be fine by the way.

I can assure you there will be plenty of men who will be only too pleased to have a physical relationship with you...and you won't have to resort to begging for scraps of intimacy.

He’s not touchy feely with me at all regardless of everything else. He’s absolutely fine if I cuddle up to him but he won’t with me…

Do you think that might be because he feels that if he behaves affectionately towards you, or initiates any ‘low-level’ intimacy - cuddling etc. there will be the immediate expectation that it will lead to sex? Sorry, I haven’t read all the thread, but would it be possible to take sex off the agenda, and have a period of reconnection, where expressing affection doesn’t necessarily mean sex, but eventually sometimes will? Maybe the pressure to ‘perform’ is obscuring the bigger picture for your dh.

Not sure if I quite understand after reading the two threads

but op yes u have stayed in the relationship for 16 years and all of a sudden you are behaving like a total dick

You said you are getting it twice a month - that is not the worst number in the world

Maybe him being a sahd had inhibited his sex drive the way it does to us women!!!

What I can guarantee is that you making a big deal out of this by going to the BnB is not the way to solve sexual issues it’ll do just the opposite

I don’t know if you believe that it is just you who he doesn’t find attractive - because yes I can see why that would erode and damage you but if he has a low sex drive overall you could be more accommodating- regardless his esteem is probably already on the floor

I find it strange you decided to tell the guy who married you about your sexual needs too!

What I do know is that, after reading threads on here - OLD is going to be useful for you. Plenty of hook ups there, the good, bad and down right ugly!!!

Going to the BnB was quite a statement. The man has at least sacrificed his career for his family which is quite a rare thing.

I am wondering if in actual fact you were meeting someone else in your air bnb and that in reality you already have someone else.

Just wait until a few years when the hormones kick in and the thought of dtd gives you the ick 🤔

Who said that? Don’t put words in my mouth.

I said that two people should be sexually compatible.

No ones at fault if they’re not and of course one should not rape the other. Don’t suggest I’m suggesting such a thing, that’s outrageous.

Exactly what I was going to say. This marriage isn't going to work. You are sexually incompatible.

I had a lot of sympathy, even after the reverse reveal.

Now I can't help but feel that OP's communication skills are a bit iffy.

I think it's time to split. You both sound thoroughly miserable and your marriage like hard work.

Blimey, this situation just gets worse.

OP, he's not going to change. He's making excuses because this is the life he wants; he's been doing the same thing for years. I had an ex who did this and it'd be indigestion one night, a sore toe another, watching a show I knew he didn't like the next, he's tired, he needs to shower first but he's too tired, the bedsheets are itchy, my hands are cold.

On and on and on. He didn't once ever tell me he found me unattractive, in fact he was incredibly sweet. He did turn out to be gay though. But even if your DH isn't, he's either just low libido, prefers watching porn, has testosterone problems, or really just doesn't fancy you like that. Twice a month shouldn't exactly be a hardship for a healthy, straight man with no problems.

But he won't change, because whatever the issue is he doesn't want to fix it by even seeing a GP. Twice a month is sexless for a lot of people. There's no show of attraction there, and no intimacy. Intimacy goes beyond a hug and a kiss. Sex is important, whether people want to admit it or not - for their own reasons.

I'd look into separating. This will grind your self esteem down into the mud, but also destroy any decent co-parenting relationship you could have if you lay your cards on the table now and shut the door on the marriage. Don't be shamed into feeling like you're strange.

Mine turned out to be gay, too.

Or bi, I guess, since we had two children.

I was his first lover of either sex, and he was 29. We had a great sex life for nine years, then I think he wanted to have sex with men. He went to a gay club one night (and came home drunk) and he'd never done anything like that before.

Anyway, OP. He did me a favour, as things turned out. I met a new man three years later and we've been married for 25 years now.

I wouldn't put up with the violence from your husband. That will escalate. He'll hit you next.

Sorry you went through that too. It's a shock to the system, though like you I'm glad as it worked out well in the end for me. He didn't tell me until years later (after we split) and while it made sense and I had no feelings for him, I still remember feeling like I'd been punched in the stomach.

Agree on the violence, too. I know OP says she understands his frustration, but that's not a way to show it.

Honestly, OP. You're worth a lot more than all of this. You've been putting up with it for years. Don't waste anymore. Live your life.

I agree with this. OP, it sounds like you're playing games. Going quiet and withdrawing, waiting until he notices, asking him to guess why etc. It would drive me mad if my DH did this to me.

If you have an issue, best to face it straight on and just go up to him and say "DH, I'm feeling very upset about our sex life in general and I feel you're using excuses to avoid being together. I want to talk about it."

Equally, your DH should stop saying stuff like his shoulder hurts if in reality he just doesn't want to have sex that evening (or at all). He should give you the truth so that you can both reach an informed decision going forward.

A therapist might help with this. Preferably one in person and one who makes you both communicate clearly without dancing around the topic or playing guessing games. Use clear language e.g. don't say "sexless marriage", say "a marriage where we have sex less than once a month" or whatever your definition is.

Its always used to shut people up on here when they are simply talking about the lack of intimacy in their relationships. I always wonder about the private lives (or lack of) of posters who constantly use it as a silencing tactic.

You definitely have communication issues @Newstart2024 .
And those are making things wired and stopping you from ever solving issues mainly because each of you concentrates on the communication issue (you didn’t tell me, you knew but didn’t say blabla etc…) instead of tackling the real issue - lack of sex.

At some point, you need to have a conversation (again?) about your expectations. Not a discussion. But you need to state your boundaries (like if we dont have sex 2x a month, I’m leaving). Not discussion etc… I’d leave that fir another time.
Then if your dh doesn’t actually want sex that often, he either needs to acknowledge it (it’s ok to have a low libido) or treat it (GP, low testosterone etc….).
The whole ‘who is instigating today’ is assuming he wants sex but can’t be bothered but actually want to. Except that he doesn’t (see reasons above), then you’re just creating more stress and conflict.

I don’t think you need to go away (even though this might have given him a jolt).
You need to be clear in your expectations and carry out what you said you would - that a sexless marriage is not enough for you so you ARE getting divorce.
The more you discuss, try to push for intimacy when he is doing all he can to avoid it, the less he will take you seriously when you say you’re not going to accept it.
You need to mean ot @Newstart2024

“I have a meat-free life except for the steak dinners I have twice a month, give or take.”

🙈🙈🙈

Well when it comes to sex, sexless means once a month or less.
So not as often as the OP says but certainly not never either….

Got to agree. .... hitting the wall was bang out of order.
And it was his way of keeping you on your place 'we are not discussing this ..(again) - Wacks the wall for emphasis

I think this is worth another read- lots of gay men do have children.
But it's not fair on their wives , or them.
Twice a month for a healthy straight man would not be any great hardship.