Updated continued reverse thread; Husband just walked out- intimacy issues

[Newstart2024]

I just thought I’d start a new thread as the old one is too long for people to read. link below.

As an update this morning despite saying I’m not going to leave at breakfast I again just felt really sad, worried and quiet. So he came upstairs after I had a shower and I just said it all to him. That I’d booked an air bnb and I was considering going because he doesn’t seem to take it seriously that sex is a big issue for me. That I’m always initiating and last time he suddenly had a “sore neck” and no attempt from him since.

He punched the wall and shouted at me and said I can’t keep going into sulks and not talking and expect him to know and now he was going to be “punished” when I left to air bnb. I said by the time I’m upset it’s already too late. That it can’t be up to me to tell him all the time when I’m upset and that HE needs to be proactive to head stuff off in the first place. I told him to take the emotion out and be honest with himself that if he doesn’t want sex we should just call it. That I have been clear and he knows this is such a pain point for me. Then I told him if he felt like it was a punishment for me to leave then why didn’t he leave and I stay with the kids?

He said he does want sex but he’s fed up when I get upset and don’t tell him, then he grabbed his phone and car keys and went.

This is what I mean. I can’t even stay in the marriage even when I want to?! I’m just too sad. And the kids heard some of it, they heard him hitting the wall.

After a while he came back and told me to go to the air bnb if I wanted and when I come back “we’ll work through it.”
I don’t know where to go from here, he thinks it’s a communication issue and says he wants to “be with me” and I think it’s more of a sex issue and that we wouldn’t have a problem if we were more matched.

It’s a cautionary tale. Lots of people think sex isn’t that important, that people don’t leave marriages over it and that just because their partner has stopped trying that it’s okay.

Well it’s not. Look at this mess.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5210913-husband-just-walked-out-intimacy-issues?page=24&reply=139873124

What kind of counsellor did you go to? Surely your need for sex was to feel desired and have intimacy as well. I just think why didn’t he initiate at all? I know you can’t answer this but sounds like this was set up to fail. Desire should be a 2 way thing and it’s wierd he never thought to initiate at all or to not come up on the night you went to bed which was scheduled sex night. I went through a dry patch with my dp … went down to twice a week, I had a word as wasn’t happy and was an instant turnaround because he’d been stressed about other things and lost focus. But there was always affection outside of the bedroom even when sex dropped so it was less painful. I hope it works out. Get a few books you can both dip in and out of as know it’s crazy time before Xmas! And communicate! Good luck x

How would I be screwed? Apart from needing the childminder to take the kids some mornings that's it.

If he decided to leave the relationship for whatever reason, he can do it. I wouldn't beg him to stay, he'd have to want to stay, and I'm in the lucky position of having a job and earnings that I'd be alright.

I would be upset, I'd be sad for my kids... I wouldn't be screwed.

And the "putting out more" this is how people trivialise sex. It's not the first time it's an issue, it's something I have been absolutely clear about before the marriage and within the marriage. Like any pain point in a marriage if there isn't a compromise and someone is impacted over and over again, then what do you do if it's not addressed? You leave the marriage.

Well, from your reply I can see you got what you wanted out of it OP, so that’s what’s important…😉

I agree. I can't imagine that any kind of decent relationship is going to exist while someone has their bags packed, air b and b booked and one foot out the door. And, what, if your husband agrees to sex suddenly it's OK for another week? That's crazy. Book a counselling session or whatever but stop threatening with upping and leaving. If you must split up, why do you need to go about it that way? That really wouldn't make someone want to have sex with you.

Well you haven’t left the marriage have you?

You can’t just magically create a sexual desire - mine has been horrendous at times and it is nothing to do with my desire or how much I love my DP

The GP was absolutely useless.

You can floor a man’s self worth by taking your approach. I mean what in the hell is he supposed to do if he doesn’t get that desire?

If you think sex is more important than all of the other ingredients it takes to make a marriage successful then that is on you

I could understand it if you never got a look in but you do it’s just not as often as you like. Millions of men would say the same thing but they don’t threaten to leave (yes a minority do I’ve seen the posts on here from their wives)

I don’t think I have initiated dtd more than a handful of times in my whole life - it really isn’t that deep

Plenty of women on here saying you aren’t compatible well why not meet in the middle and compromise?

Why can’t he go and get a job then if you can easily get childcare?

"If you think sex is more important than all of the other ingredients it takes to make a marriage successful then that is on you"

Telling your partner you need more sex to feel satisfied in your marriage is not the same thing as telling your partner sex is the most important thing in your marriage.

"I could understand it if you never got a look in but you do it’s just not as often as you like. Millions of men would say the same thing but they don’t threaten to leave (yes a minority do I’ve seen the posts on here from their wives)"

You cannot tell another person at which point their needs should be satisfied based on the requirements of the next person. That is a lazy argument.
Also someone may not threaten to leave, they might not even complain to their partner, but often they do cheat, and one thing is for certain they are not really happy or satisfied.

"I don’t think I have initiated dtd more than a handful of times in my whole life - it really isn’t that deep"

If your partner is happy with that, then that is perfectly fine, nothing wrong with it at all. But if your partner isn't happy with that and does experience some rejection or doubt about your interest in them, then yes, it really can be that deep for some people.

"Why can’t he go and get a job then if you can easily get childcare?"

Maybe he doesn't want one.

Rebellious Star Child answered all that for me except...

He does have a job, he works 9-5 Monday- Thursday from home. That allows him to do the school run each morning. It wasn't always that way, he worked in an office and had a commute. After covid all the employees voted to stay on working from home and it saved their small company money in that they didn't have to rent an office...

Isn't this always how you're going to feel, though? Wondering if he's just getting it over with to placate you and stop you leaving? That would be deeply unsexy to me (and also pretty problematic in terms of consent). I have a very high sex drive and couldn't (and haven't) stay with someone with a low sex drive. But you say you're staying for the children whatever happens, soooo, suppose you'll just have to live with it.

He punched a wall and you're worried about him 'becoming' aggressive and quick to anger? Hmm.

I appreciate that my posts are littered with my own opinions.

Maybe I am projecting- I feel for the guy who is great in many ways but can’t muster up a decent sex drive.

It’s not as easy as you might think to magic up out of thin air

It's not anyone's fault that one person's sex drive or desire may dip, but feeling defensive about it is what causes the problem in my opinion. You end up defending the problem and not the relationship.

If you're happy with it then it's fine, but if you're not then it's up to both people in the relationship to work it out, so you have to be able to discuss it openly and without any defensiveness or shame. And your partners job is to participate in that conversation without any accusation or judgement. Sex is a beautiful part of life when you have a good relationship, people shouldn't be so willing to fob it off as if it's some meaningless thing.

Op, I get how frustrating this is, & But enthusiastic consent is essential for both partners, whichever sex they are. You cannot sulk if you don't get sex or say he must do it at a particular frequency, or threaten to leave unless he provides. What he needs to do is try to get into a mindset where he feels sexual & wants it naturally.
Gloria Steinem's book Revolution From Within gets criticised a lot as New Age self-help twaddle, but while some is a bit woo, there's lots of good advice on a range of things. One bit I like was where she talked about a man who found it really difficult to enjoy sex bc he hated feeling vulnerable due to childhood trauma. He only enjoyed the moment of orgasm bc he felt powerful then. His wife was Japanese & suggested he try (non sexual) Japanese massage techniques to get comfortable with touch. This helped, & he was able to enjoy physical intimacy for its own sake, rather than just a way to orgasm. He said he learnt that, 'Touch is an end in itself.' Can't you focus on stuff you both like, find out what he likes too? Maybe watch or read stuff to get ideas, try massage, or just kissing, touching etc, use toys.. Focus on having fun & bonding, so he doesn't feel under pressure. Maybe this could also help you feel more loved in the meantime.
To me, although your OH does sound like he may not have been as honest about the libido situation before marriage as he should have been, he sounds like a good & kind man, otherwise, & my opinion has softened. I think you should try your hardest to make the marriage work for both of you, but he needs to try too. He needs to be equallly engaged w therapy & whatever else you try out. It would ofc be good for the children if you can work it out, but the mindset needs to be , 'We want to work this bc we love each other,' not, 'We're trying to make this work for the sake of the children.'

Okay but what power? Yes I’m the breadwinner but I was leaving him in the house with the financial situation unchanged except our holiday fund going on a rented bedroom.

And I understand about not sulking but what am I supposed to do? If a date stands you up…. If a boyfriend ghosts you… you feel rejected and hurt I can’t just happy happy as normal I was sad and worried.

If you finished couple counselling and you were the only one with things to change, then your counsellor was shit.

There isn’t a lot of situation where things are so clear cut that only one person has to make improvements.
From what you said, at the very least, you should BOTH have had ‘homework’ to do re communication around sex.

Sorry, I misunderstood the work situation. I thought you were sole breadwinner, but now I see he works too. I can see the childcare thing could be an issue, but as you say, you do a lot of the extra work too, so he has to do his share. Presumably he wanted 3 kids too? Maybe try to get him in touch w support groups for fathers, perhaps he feels isolated as a man doing childcare if his workplace is quite macho?
Ofc you'd be sad if you're really looking forward to sex & he says no. But you should make clear you're not angry about the lack of libido itself, you know it's not his fault. But what you do want is him to try & work on the issue with you so he can get into a place where he naturally wants it.

fgs just because he isn’t a horny goat it doesn’t mean he needs external help

Well he needs to do something, because twice a month being difficult for a healthy, straight man isn't exactly regular. And if he wants to stay married, as OP has made clear she won't if things don't change (and I'd be exactly the same), he needs to make changes.

He's been making excuses for donkeys years. He either wants her or he doesn't, but all he's currently doing is dragging out the despair and grinding her down while her needs go unmet.

Personally, I think they should split. I wouldn't want to have sex with someone I had to debate with and compromise with like it's the dishes. But he doesn't want to split, so he needs to do something, doesn't he?

I think the OP should propose an open marriage so she can get her needs met elsewhere.

Honestly, being resentful because you do 60%, not 90% or 100%, of childcare doesn’t paint him in a good light.

It’s only 10% more than what he should be doing. Not the whole lot.
Let’s forget about all the other stuff he is also supposed to do but doesn’t.

If that is really what puts him off sex, then there is an even bigger problem in this marriage.

How utterly soulless

@Newstart2024 listen to this podcast! It’s a conversation between therapist Paul Brunson and sex therapist Karen Gurney. Yes, the title implies it’s about orgasms, but they spend a lot of time talking about your issue.

podcasts.apple.com/gb/podcast/we-need-to-talk-with-paul-c-brunson/id1765126946?i=1000677428770

Maybe for you, at least you get to meet people, I find it much more utterly soulless wanking to porn sitting on the toilet while looking at your phone :-)

I’ve already said sex and love are too linked for me hence it’s an issue. I’d fall for someone I’m having sex with and that would be a whole other mess!

I honestly think he just doesn't want to have sex with you. If he did, he would, it's as simple as that. Nothing would stop him.

All these 'reasons' that he is coming up with are just deflection, a way to put off you leaving because he likes things the way they are. If he does sleep with you, yes it will be because he feels it is his duty now, especially if he has made promises to you.

It's very similar to men who don't want to get married but tell their partner they do, they are saving up for the perfect ring, they want to do an amazing proposal, they can't afford the wedding right now, and it's put off and put off and put off even though he swears blind that he does want to marry her.

Men who want to get married, get married. It's simple. You are over complicating things.

I think all you can decide is whether or not you want to live like this for the next 10, 15 years until you finally leave him. Because guaranteed this will not change.

A sore neck?! A woman.. not just any woman but your wife is offering up sex on a platter and you say no because you got a sore neck?! Wtf?!

I know men who use walking aids and have spinal issues popping tons of pain kills daily that would be on their wives like a cat on a rat if she offered up sex like that.

If it genuinely was sore surely he'd just be like 'hell yeah but you go on top!'

Sigh.. I know this feeling your feeling OP.
It makes you feel so unfeminine! Especially when your friends are all complaining their husbands won't leave them alone. Makes you feel like something is wrong with you.

You are not alone. But your not the problem trust me.