Husband just walked out- intimacy issues

[Newstart2024]

Bit of background, me and DH have 3 kids aged 7,4 and 2. My libido always been a bit lower than his but okay, we talked about it before marriage and with our vicar in wedding counselling prior and dh said he couldnt live in a sexless marriage. Which is fine by me I agreed.
Since then and with the children our sex life has been up and down and on a down patch after our second we had some counselling where husband says he doesn’t feel desired, touch is a love language and he always initiates which makes him feel like he’s pressuring me. He basically said if things didn’t improve he’d leave because it’s so important to him. we talked it through (though counsellor wasn’t great and part of her advice was to stop breastfeeding??!!!). we were okay for a while.
Recently I’ve changed contraception and after sorting it finally my husband suggested we try for intimacy once a week and he didn’t always want to intiate.

This was fine at first but last few weeks we haven’t and I didn’t think anything of it. Then last weekend he did suggest we go upstairs but I’d hurt my neck and told him it might be worth waiting a few days which he was annoyed about but he knows it’s true!

Cut to mid week last week and after we did kids bedtime I came down and he had packed a bag! He told me he had arranged a room through air bnb and was moving there. He was very calm saying he had always been clear about intimacy and he couldn’t see the marriage continuing. The air bnb is 10 minute walk away and he left.
I have been left overnight with kids and doing breakfast in the morning. I normally do this but sometimes he is here working from home or sometimes he has left for the office. I do the childminder drop off for youngest and school runs. We both work, then one of us will pick kids up from childminder at 5:30-6. He has come here after work to help with bedtimes then off back to the air Bnb!!!

Last night he sent an email saying this weekend he would be back home with family (they live 150 miles away) and then he would look after kids next weekend. He said we can discuss a longer term solution. He has the money to rent a room I’m sure but that money we have been putting towards our holidays etc. He earns more than me.

I am totally blindsided and don’t know what to do next?! When I’ve talked to him he said he hasn’t ruled out reconciling but doesn’t know how things are expected to change when we’ve already discussed and had counselling about this issue before. I’d be willing to make more of an effort but it’s just not on my radar as much as him.

Ideas? He’s really calm and just seems a bit sad and in “I’ve got a plan” mode?! I’ve been frustrated upset and shocked and asked him to stay and talk but he’s just been going back to air bnb and wants to talk when situation a bit clearer and calmer? Kids are okay but confused their day is pretty much the same.

No…that’s not what happened.

Okay so separate. But you don’t get to leave your children and see them when it suits you as some kind of punishment to him.
ps I would say the same to a man.

Had cuddles with my 2 year old and 4 year old this morning then my 7 year old excitedly ran in to show me her tooth had fallen out, so I’m not going anywhere. Can’t leave them.

Thanks for helping through yesterdays crisis. He knows something is up and that I’m angry, but I’m pretty much done. No more talking, no more initiating. I’m going to put “empty chairs” on Alex’s this morning as part of my subtle hints and see if he asks. Haha :D.
Then when the kids are older and I have more options I’m sure things will just naturally end up like they were always going to; They’ll either get better, my libido will go anyway or I’ll leave. Feel resentful about ending up here though after I was clear even at the start.

But I’ll save my moaning for dead bedrooms Reddit, thanks all.

Good morning @Newstart2024 . Just read through all of your replies. I am glad you have stayed for your children - I don’t think it’s ok for you to walk out on them but I do think it’s ok for you to end your marriage immediately.

I do think you will end up having an affair as you are so unhappy right now. Maybe you taking the sex out of the marriage will at leave save your feelings. It’s a nervous excitement sometimes with a partner where you get ready, heart beating thinking will they, won’t they, then nothing … then feeling stupid and I loved when there is a rejection like your H not coming up when you are ready in bed for him. I’ve been in a place like you but it was 80% less than yours where my partners drive dipped a bit but even then it was twice a week but thankful it’s now 4-5 times a week.

Don’t wish for your libido to drop - it’s a way you express and like to receive love. I think you will get frustrated but don’t walk out on your kids - go get advice on how you can separate amicably get a shared care arrangement.

Do you think you could outsource? Both practically and emotionally (not getting invested in OM). This might be a solution if your husband is OK with it

The only thing I would say about this is that you've said a few times that you forget about initiating sex ir make more effort or not on the call about it. That seems a funny way to say it when it's such a huge issue. Not wanting it yes but being unaware of it would for if imply that you are happy with it just keep forgetting. Doesn't make sense.
I think you are incompatible though

Apologies, seen is now a reverse

Op I cousel sex addicts and their partners.

Now no one here will be able to define your situation or your partner.
So I'm by no means saying that's what I definitely see here. It's just too nuanced and we are only getting your side.

But it's important to understand and look from all possible angles.
I do worry the wrong person having counselling with the wrong therapist can lead to further entitlement.
What was his comprises in the relationship to prioritise and support you?
It doesn't sound to me that he was willing to participate in creating the environment where intimacy is often a very natural by product. That doesn't have to mean sexual intimacy. When you had counselling was it individual or couple? Did you talk about other areas of intimacy and touch other than sex. Was he on board with the other areas of intimacy being "enough" for him or was it always just about sex?
Any good therapist isn't going to suggest that you just have sex more without a slow plan that supports you both.

You're in the trenches with young children. Instead of working together it sounds like he has blamed you for eveything. No one actually needs sex to survive. Connection yes but he has placed sex so highly above everything else that it reads to me as actually an entitlement issue with potential integrity abuse.

It reads to me that you have really tried to meet him on this and prioritise his wants but a few weeks of no sex and he has left seems very reactive. What if he had a injury or operation would his life be over with no sex for weeks month potentially a year?

3

its also a reverse. I suggest, even if you are a counsellor, you stop giving advice unless you have at least read all the OP's posts?

Hi OP, haven’t RTFT so not sure how old you are. I think it sounds like he has been very open since day 1 and even before marriage. Your sex drives don’t sound like they’ve ever been alunged and this will only get further apart with young kids and then menopause (when it can get so much harder).

My husband and I have been together 35+ years and his was always a little higher but the gap got so much bigger when I reached meno. We basically went to a sexless marriage. It’s caused huge problems but we’re in counselling and trying to sort things as we love each other.

I think you have to really look at what you want and think ahead. I wish I’d put more thought into keeping affection (not just sex) alive in our relationship. I shut it down as felt it led to sex which I didn’t feel like.

Most of my friends who ended up divorced were due to lack of intimacy.

That would render it pointless. The reason so many people do a reverse is because on MN the replies are on the whole SO different if it is a man complaining about lack of intimacy or a woman.

Ignore my post op I've got completely lost with this thread.

Men and women are different when it comes to sex particularly our gender shaping. So reverses won't work here as typically men and women do approach sex and the ways to work at it differently. Men typically (not always) choosing to avoid and not tackle it/bury head in sand. So if that's the case op (i havent read any updates) then no you can't make him see things from your point of view. Much like any relationship issue if one person won't be open to talking or compromises then there isn't anything that can be done.

It could be intimacy anorexia. But again you would need to speak to someone in real life no one here can say.

Try having several young children, juggling 2 full time jobs and zero childcare and having sex twice a day. If you are able to do this, kudos to you.
Leaving a relationship due to lack of sex should be a very last resort.

Do you think that there is something he could do about it but he doesn't care enough to?

I mean if there really is nothing he can do it really doesn't matter how clear you were from the start!

I think a lot of people wouldn't even think of their marriage becoming sexless because if that seemed beforehand that it might happen-they wouldn't marry!

Due to the confusion and length of the thread I have put an updated thread here

www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5211543-updated-continued-reverse-thread-husband-just-walked-out-intimacy-issues

Try RTFT

@GiddyRobin
I'm not sure how you know the number of times every couple you know has sex. It's just not something I know about most people. May come up in conversation but rarely. Do you discuss sex with literally everyone^^ you know? That is a little peculiar.

If you are on MN you will know it's very varied how much sex people have. Twice a day is way way more unusual than twice a month during early childhood years.

Twice a day? Are these literally in and out in 3 mins?

By the end of the day many people are exhausted. I find it odd that you find this hard to believe. You don't seriously think you are typical do you? Great for you if you are both happy but surely you don't think this is what most people are doing

What I get from MN is that the world of MN is very, very different to IRL. Where couples spend time together, generally enjoy sex, and it isn't a taboo subject amongst friends either.

On MN it's skewed because people come to complain when they struggle. IRL, that isn't happening because most people are generally happy. That's not a criticism of MN or posters, but that's how all forums of this nature work. Just look at how many people seem to hate dogs, fireworks, Halloween, and Christmas.

It's a snapshot and the people who complain seem like the many, but real life isn't like that. I like sex, most people do. Twice a month would be an absolute deal breaker and I'd say the same to anyone IRL. If my life was so difficult I was too exhausted to have sex, I'd be concerned that there was something that needed to be fixed because I'd be burning myself out.

@GiddyRobin
I love sex 😃
My dh likes sex 😃
We have sex reasonably frequently I guess. It's erratic. Sometimes 4 x a week. Sometimes 1 x a week for varying reasons. Sometimes we are apart when one is travelling or one of us is poorly. We don't tend to have sex when we are apart or poorly 😂. Sometimes I fall asleep before dh comes to bed. He doesn't wake me up to have sex because I would struggle to get back to sleep. Insane huh?

We have been together over 30 years.

I don't have conversations with most people I know about sex. Not because it's a taboo subject but because it literally doesn't come up. For you to know the frequency of everyone you know, you are discussing sex at a very very peculiar rate.

Personally I don't really care how much sex my postman, neighbours, dc teachers, work colleagues or the various levels of friends I know have. I know details of some friends sex lives because we happened to discuss sex for whatever reason. But I couldn't tell you what all or even most people I know do.

Crazy ain't I.

Great for you? I'm not sure how that either is for or against what I wrote. 😆

DH and I spend evenings together, and we don't just have sex in bed. Thankfully we don't travel apart much, but if we do then we usually find a virtual workaround. And nothing makes you feel better when poorly more than sex, unless you're throwing your guts up. But that's obviously just me.

I'm not sure how it's peculiar, but I'm in my 30s and it's a very normal topic between friends. We chat about it over drinks, make jokes via text, why wouldn't we? It's just part of life. Same as "the kids were mad yesterday, I was knackered!"

That usually descends into asking if they slept well, which is then "DH made sure I did 😉 " - that sort of thing. But sure, you keep on saying that's odd by all means!

You're being pretty defensive about this for some reason. Is it that hard to accept that lots of other people enjoy a very regular, non-erratic sex life? Because it means something to them? That friends talk about it because it's an important (and fun!) part of their lives?

Exactly Giddy, most married women and men do enjoy sex fairly often! Is that so controversial?

This is what always surprises me about these sorts of threads. The whole Internet is filled with people breaking up because of lack of it! Yet these threads pop up and there'll be posters who are determined to make out that a regular sex life is impossible, or it must be poor if it is. It's bizarre to me! Definitely doesn't reflect the world I've ever lived in!

I'd be crawling up the wall after a bloody week!

Plus, it's not just about pleasure. It's about feeling connected. I don't want to just live with someone as a friend who kisses me sometimes. That, to me, isn't a marriage. No one should have to do anything they don't want, of course not, but sex and intimacy is what changes a relationship from platonic to romantic.

I'd feel lost without it. My DH is my best friend, but he's also my husband and I fancy the arse off him. I want to make him happy in more ways than just any other person could. And I want the same thing in return.

Exactly! People w low libidos shouldn't be made to feel guilty, but they shouldn't imply higher is abnormal either.

Exactly, this is it! I find it a bit strange when the moment someone who does have a high libido says that frequent sex isn't impossible, they immediately get disbelieved, insulted slyly, or responses trying to make them out to be "peculiar".

The thing is, we know there are low libido people and sexless marriages out there. And if they're happy - great! But it isn't impossible to have a balanced life either. It's sad the way people are being told to just suck it up and deal with it. Especially women - our sexuality has been overlooked for centuries.