Husband just walked out- intimacy issues

[Newstart2024]

Bit of background, me and DH have 3 kids aged 7,4 and 2. My libido always been a bit lower than his but okay, we talked about it before marriage and with our vicar in wedding counselling prior and dh said he couldnt live in a sexless marriage. Which is fine by me I agreed.
Since then and with the children our sex life has been up and down and on a down patch after our second we had some counselling where husband says he doesn’t feel desired, touch is a love language and he always initiates which makes him feel like he’s pressuring me. He basically said if things didn’t improve he’d leave because it’s so important to him. we talked it through (though counsellor wasn’t great and part of her advice was to stop breastfeeding??!!!). we were okay for a while.
Recently I’ve changed contraception and after sorting it finally my husband suggested we try for intimacy once a week and he didn’t always want to intiate.

This was fine at first but last few weeks we haven’t and I didn’t think anything of it. Then last weekend he did suggest we go upstairs but I’d hurt my neck and told him it might be worth waiting a few days which he was annoyed about but he knows it’s true!

Cut to mid week last week and after we did kids bedtime I came down and he had packed a bag! He told me he had arranged a room through air bnb and was moving there. He was very calm saying he had always been clear about intimacy and he couldn’t see the marriage continuing. The air bnb is 10 minute walk away and he left.
I have been left overnight with kids and doing breakfast in the morning. I normally do this but sometimes he is here working from home or sometimes he has left for the office. I do the childminder drop off for youngest and school runs. We both work, then one of us will pick kids up from childminder at 5:30-6. He has come here after work to help with bedtimes then off back to the air Bnb!!!

Last night he sent an email saying this weekend he would be back home with family (they live 150 miles away) and then he would look after kids next weekend. He said we can discuss a longer term solution. He has the money to rent a room I’m sure but that money we have been putting towards our holidays etc. He earns more than me.

I am totally blindsided and don’t know what to do next?! When I’ve talked to him he said he hasn’t ruled out reconciling but doesn’t know how things are expected to change when we’ve already discussed and had counselling about this issue before. I’d be willing to make more of an effort but it’s just not on my radar as much as him.

Ideas? He’s really calm and just seems a bit sad and in “I’ve got a plan” mode?! I’ve been frustrated upset and shocked and asked him to stay and talk but he’s just been going back to air bnb and wants to talk when situation a bit clearer and calmer? Kids are okay but confused their day is pretty much the same.

What on earth are you talking about? That is utter bollocks.

No sorry I meant 1960s. But there's lots of evidence before it was more of a taboo for men & women. For instance, one of the things that made Wallis Simpson be seen as an immoral adventuress in the 1930s was that she was known to do oral.

time.com/3703209/fifty-shades-of-grey-oral-history/

Most people think they're compatible when they get married, but crap happens.

Example: I was put under the most cruel, disgusting, relentless pressure to have a baby after we got married, from both sides of the family. Being treated as an incubator really upset me. Unfortunately, my husband had zero idea of how degrading I found it and how objectifying. He could NOT understand why I didn't just ignore it and brush it off. So then I got upset because he wasn't getting it, and he was upset because I was upset, and I felt that he wasn't understanding or being on my side, and I felt that it's not a huge stretch to get why someone might feel like a baby machine if they're under that pressure, and the upshot is that we went to bed with our backs turned when the parents would make their nasty comments. (Great way to get those grandchildren, eh!)

That certainly wasn't an issue before we got married. Neither were pushy, imposing in-laws.

Sorry, what's bollocks? The 12 times, my maths, or that having sex only 7 percent of the nights you have together is a sad way to live? You're going to have to be a little more specific with your bad manners.

That's quite cruel really. It's as though he's weaponised the fact that you need sex more than he does and uses it to make you feel bad about yourself.

Is he quite passive-aggressive generally?

If someone really, seriously cannot stomach having sex with their spouse, they need to leave.

Having sex twice a month with your long term partner is not sexless and is certainly not a sad way to live at all. Particularly when you have three small children.
Just a totally bizarre statement.

You’re going to leave your children because you have sex twice a month but want it once a week. Is this real?
At least have your children 50/50 ffs

the idea that you base the value of your marriage and family around getting laid is so strange and sad to me.

Replace 'getting laid' with hugs or kisses or personal time and you wouldn't be so shocked and saddened by it.
Pretending something doesn't have value because you don't personally value it is exactly how many people end up divorced.

The church did, comparatively recently declare against it because it didn't result in children. That doesn't mean its wasn't popular, just not talked about....what you might call...ha! Oral history.... anyway here is a casual post which might interest you.... https://www.yahoo.com/news/history-oral-sex-fellatios-ancient-153200784.html?guccounter=1&guce_referrer=aHR0cHM6Ly93d3cuZ29vZ2xlLmNvbS8&guce_referrer_sig=AQAAAAZQtDhaIHw98Izn_iYMXt9WukGOdaQNpN6-F6RYZFYl9qnlxqqBADgPyCg1RepoGYT6tv4VtaqHfh3AouevEOBphcm_F4unt1zIiQzyhkREsAhW1_btX5CYwCq3JZ3HJZJmjbYhHrQp_siNqDGnEf-VwXtjJliQk6C65LDG051R

A close friend of my mother in law's was like this. Fortunately I could avoid her and my MIL and my own parents were totally different.

No, because he doesn’t want to have sex with me at all. Twice a month is more or less what he can sustain I think. Once a week was something I suggested and he agreed to but he doesn’t even if I initiate.

Replace it with another love language like acts of service “ you’re going to leave your children because your husband doesn’t do anything to help at home.” Would that be so unreasonable?
Also I would only be leaving the children as he does 60% of the childcare and I have the money to go.

The choices for me are accept a sexless marriage and my unhappiness, which basically I think I will for the next few years but make it clear to him it’s over. He might decide to leave himself. Alternatively, try to find a compromise again, cheat and possibly end up leaving, or leave like I said I would. Pick one.

Denim, thank you- I don't really feel wise... My mum is quite impulsive, which has affected her life. So I guess I try to do the opposite troubleshoot & plan a lot, but ofc real life can be unexpected...
Chores, money, in-laws, def all can work against attraction. I guess the thing is that both people need to prioritise each other's happiness & keep talking & working things through, not let jobs/hobbies replace their partner. Michelle Obama's book is quite interesting on how they managed this & kept their marriage happy. It seems to have worked, although obvs Barack's career took precedence to some extent. A president's workaholism can be excused, but not an everyday man's!
I get that about the man-woman libido gap. Female couples get branded w lesbian bed death, which to me has been exaggerated due to prejudice. From what I've read, often one woman does want more, but a bit like the OP, she's been conditioned to let her needs take a back seat. If both women want less, that can often work if they connect well in other ways. I think the main issue, straight or gay, is libido gaps. I think if it started out fairly matched, it can be got back on track, but if the gap was always big, probs the match was inadvised. I can sort of understand why Op's husband lied, esp as there's a bit of taboo around men wanting less, but it was v wrong to trick her, & to use the kids as a tool, it sounds like..
That sounds awful about the hotel, not really a mood-setter at all.. My mum suggests I should stay living w her while getting into work, to save on rent, but she doesn't really get that if I had a gf, it would feel v awkward, for me at least... She suggested building an extension! 🤐

Well, it's 7 percent of the time. That's a low number. I agree about dry spells when kids are little, but this marriage has been low-sex for many many years with no hope of it changing, that's the issue. And OP says that often it slides, so it's not even really twice a month.

Unless it's temporary bc of life challenges like young kids, I think to sleep next to someone every night and only have sex two nights out of thirty is very little. It's 7 percent of nights (or days) and I think most people would agree that 7 percent is a very low percentage. It's far from "a totally bizarre statement." MANY people would consider twice a month to be a low-sex marriage, far from being bizarre.

Oh, OK. I thought you were saying that if there's even a smidge of someone not wanting it, it should be shelved, which would naturally include someone not feeling in the mood at first (even if they were likely to get into it).

This sounds utterly soul destroying op. I don't think any amount of couples counselling can fix this.

Me too 😂

@NoisyDenimShaker you are changing your emphasis entirely by adding a new point (about the marriage being low sex for many years and that being the real issue). That’s not how your post read but that’s fine.

7% is not a ‘very low’ percentage. I know plenty of couples who are having sex a couple of times a month and are feeling perfectly content and loved, and very far from sad.

Just interested why you think that it is somehow unusual. It’s really not.

Twice a month sounds v little to me... If both people are OK w that, it's ok.
Denim, that sounds awful. A decent man should stand up to his parents bullying you like that, not put the blame on you.
Mating in Captivity sounds interesting.. I agree the expectations etc can take the sex out of marriage for women. I'm lucky in that my mum does fret about grandkids but can't really pressure in that way, & she'd never push it that far anyway. It's awful when people treat women like baby machines in this day & age.

Having sex twice a month with 3 small children and with both parents working full time is normal. Think OP has unrealistic expectations and I cannot believe she's willing to consider tearing her family apart for this. Unbelievable

Also @Christmaspanicisreal I mean, if both people are happy with twice a month, then rock on! The context of the discussion here is OP's marriage, in which twice a month is too little for her.

I think the frequency is not the whole issue...I imagine a bigger issue is the fact that she wants sex much more. I am guessing that he'd probably be happier with never? I'd rather have sex once a month with someone really really keen than once a week with someone who's not really into it.

Op, you are not selfish. Ignore those who are saying that. Your husband was not up front at the start, & hasn't tried to sort things since then. Focus on getting a good coparenting relationship. You deserve not to live w constant rejection.

But it's not as if they're reliably having mutually-enthusiastic sex every other week, is it? OP says she thinks he'd prefer never, and it tends to slide, as it has now. Also, it sounds as if this has always been an issue and always will be. She's experienced a lot of rejection from a spouse who, quite simply, does not want her. Some people can cope with a partner who doesn't want them, but others suffer a lot when their spouse isn't interested in them. I think it's more about the fact that he never really wants her than this twice a week business. If you only have sex twice a week but both partners really want to and are really into it, I'm not sure it would be such a problem. But duty sex 1-2 times a month (OP says it's now been three weeks), with no hope of any greater enthusiasm ever, is a pretty depressing place to be.

This. I don’t really care if it’s only twice a month or once a month or once a week I just don’t want a sexless marriage. If he is happy not having sex AT ALL unless i initiate it then I just give up. And it’s not even about him gagging for it.. it’s just about him realising his important it is to me and making an effort.

I don’t want to leave my marriage I don’t want to hurt him or my kids but I never wanted a sexless marriage either. And, in a rare case of actually having explicitly talked about it before getting married, he bloody knows.