Husband just walked out- intimacy issues

[Newstart2024]

Bit of background, me and DH have 3 kids aged 7,4 and 2. My libido always been a bit lower than his but okay, we talked about it before marriage and with our vicar in wedding counselling prior and dh said he couldnt live in a sexless marriage. Which is fine by me I agreed.
Since then and with the children our sex life has been up and down and on a down patch after our second we had some counselling where husband says he doesn’t feel desired, touch is a love language and he always initiates which makes him feel like he’s pressuring me. He basically said if things didn’t improve he’d leave because it’s so important to him. we talked it through (though counsellor wasn’t great and part of her advice was to stop breastfeeding??!!!). we were okay for a while.
Recently I’ve changed contraception and after sorting it finally my husband suggested we try for intimacy once a week and he didn’t always want to intiate.

This was fine at first but last few weeks we haven’t and I didn’t think anything of it. Then last weekend he did suggest we go upstairs but I’d hurt my neck and told him it might be worth waiting a few days which he was annoyed about but he knows it’s true!

Cut to mid week last week and after we did kids bedtime I came down and he had packed a bag! He told me he had arranged a room through air bnb and was moving there. He was very calm saying he had always been clear about intimacy and he couldn’t see the marriage continuing. The air bnb is 10 minute walk away and he left.
I have been left overnight with kids and doing breakfast in the morning. I normally do this but sometimes he is here working from home or sometimes he has left for the office. I do the childminder drop off for youngest and school runs. We both work, then one of us will pick kids up from childminder at 5:30-6. He has come here after work to help with bedtimes then off back to the air Bnb!!!

Last night he sent an email saying this weekend he would be back home with family (they live 150 miles away) and then he would look after kids next weekend. He said we can discuss a longer term solution. He has the money to rent a room I’m sure but that money we have been putting towards our holidays etc. He earns more than me.

I am totally blindsided and don’t know what to do next?! When I’ve talked to him he said he hasn’t ruled out reconciling but doesn’t know how things are expected to change when we’ve already discussed and had counselling about this issue before. I’d be willing to make more of an effort but it’s just not on my radar as much as him.

Ideas? He’s really calm and just seems a bit sad and in “I’ve got a plan” mode?! I’ve been frustrated upset and shocked and asked him to stay and talk but he’s just been going back to air bnb and wants to talk when situation a bit clearer and calmer? Kids are okay but confused their day is pretty much the same.

@Christmaspanicisreal @Rosesanddaffs @KateJ521 Sorry, I did declare unilaterally that twice a week is very little. I should have said that it's very little TO ME. If other couples are totally happy with twice a week, that's great!

It's really not. 😆 Me and DH have sex twice a day usually, always have done. If you both want to and find the time, it's pretty easy. Especially if there's 50/50 in the household.

I don't know a single couple IRL who has sex this infrequently. And the ones who do...did. They divorced. Because a marriage/relationship isn't just solely about the children. They come first, always, but it's also about keeping a connection.

And again, the issue is one of them is happy and the other isn't. Why should either of them torture themselves?

Twice a day, usually, in a longterm relationship? I'm sorry, I just don't believe you.

Nope, we do. Ten years, two kids. Early morning and of a night when they're asleep. We've always been the same.

I find it equally bizarre that people aren't! It's just...normal here. Wake up, snuggle, kiss, have sex. Lie down, kiss, snuggle, have sex. It's not exactly difficult. And I love being with him.

I can't physically imagine not cuddling and kissing when we're alone and nothing happening. That would be so odd for us.

Gosh. Doesn't it lose its appeal when you have it so often? Like gorging on chocolates.

Also, don't you get tired at night? Or tired in the morning like many of us?

No! 😆 He's really good and he's lovely! I'm still in teenage girl swoon mode over him! Tbh he nearly died a few years back, and it hadn't gone away before then but maybe it extended it!

And of course, but it's just a nice way to start/end the day. We both have high sex drives though. Been with a man who had a low libido and I absolutely hated it. It was so depressing for me.

Wow. Well, you pair of randy little rabbits, you! 😂 I guess I can see how you might have sex when waking up and going to sleep if you've made it a habit.

I'm so glad your DH is OK!

Actually, maybe it is a habit! We're both absolute grumps if we're overnight elsewhere, so maybe it is. Ah it's all so interesting, maybe we are odd then! The couples I know are quite "energetic", but maybe we're just friends with other randy rabbits. 😳

Thank you! Me too! He even has a dashing limp and walking stick now haha!

Hello. This sounds really hard. I’ve only skim read the thread but I don’t think you say a great deal about intimacy in ways that do not involve sex? I don’t mean physical things but the non-physical. I wonder if that might be something to explore? When the kids are young it can be hard to feel connected generally. Just a thought. Best wishes.

@NoisyDenimShaker @katseyes7 in so sorry you went through that.

I do think there’s a big difference though between abusive relationships ( or even ones where there’s resentment ) and ones where there’s just a mismatch of libido.

When it’s the latter, it’s awful for the person being refused affection.

They are actually completely different scenarios, it’s just the end result is similar.

I think people who’ve been quick to criticise the partner who wants sex are looking at it from the wrong direction. these situations are complicated and who can really tell what the issue is without knowing the two sides of the story.

fwiw- my narcissistic abusive ex went from pestering for sex just after DC were born to refusing it ( and any kind of affection) when he wanted to punish me. Made me feel so unloved, unattractive and unwanted.

"Hmmm ... Thinks ...

A long relationship, I'm daddy to three children, youngest only a year old - and she didn't want to put herself through a third pregnancy, but she did it for me because I wanted it.

Yep, my dick's WAY more important than any of that. I'm out. Bye, you lot.'

What a prize.

I think you should take sex off the table (no pun intended) entirely for a while. Don't initiate at all and see where his level is. I would be surprised if it was just libido.

Do you think he could have some sexual trauma from childhood or his teenage years? It sounds like you are not offering a safe space for any issues to be disclosed. The threat of separation has been hanging over him for the whole marriage.

Has he had hormone levels checked?

Me and DP are twice a month kind of people. It matches us most the time. Sometimes I'm feeling more sometimes he is so if one initiated we'd both just go along with it. I'd feel like I couldn't be bothered to begin with but really enjoyed it after and glad I went along. Also it's a great uplift and we both feel happier after so that's another reason why id go along with it if I wasn't feeling it at first. Are you okay mid way through once the initial fault of not feeling it has passed? If not and it's awful the whole way throughout then this wouldn't work for me personally.

Huh?

It’s a reverse post. OP is the one considering divorce over lack of sex, not her husband

There's no need to breastfeed a 2 year old?! Are you from the 1950s? It's fine and healthy to breastfeed a 2 year old. Keep your insane judgements to yourself.

OP I think my marriage failed because of mismatched sex drives. We went from once a week to once a fortnight. I felt like a piece of meat because my DH didn’t show affection outside of the bedroom, then a medical issue meant PIV was uncomfortable exacerbated that because the way he wanted a ‘release’. DH had an affair and has left a trail of devastation in his wake. Not once did he raise the lack of sex before he left, so not your position at all. I don’t blame ExH for feeling he wanted more sex. I would have liked more if I’d have been treated right - it’s absolutely true that sex starts outside of the bedroom.

However I’ve met someone new and we have the same need for physical affection and touch. As a result the sex is absolutely amazing and I want it (and get it) all the time. I feel very loved and desired. Little things like telling me how much he wants to see me, messaging me to tell me how he wants me to be in his arms, and the odd saucy message detailing what he’ll so when he sees me absolutely sets me off well before he arrives. If my ExH knew how much I now enjoy sex with someone who shows their care and desire for me in the way that presses my buttons, I expect he’d be absolutely floored.

My advice is leave your marriage with kindness and empathy and find yourself a man who will match you. As much as my divorce is awful, my new BF has given me a new lease of life. It will be hard but life is short.

@Ottersmith This. I breastfed our daughter until 3.5 years and hubby and I had (and still have) an absolutely fantastic* *sex life!

Is there any way that @mumsnet could put 'REVERSE' in the subject to avoid some of the confusion?

I was going to say it's selfish to leave your kids because you aren't getting a shag, and that he sounds like a dickhead. Also I was going to question the 'generous with money' thing. It's not his money, it's family money. My point still remains, even with the reverse.

But it's not sexless, it's just not as often as he wants. There's a difference. Sex drive is natural to go up and down especially with young kids

I've been on both side of this.
I've been in a sexless relationship where he desperately wanted it and I didn't AND I've been in a relationship where I desperately wanted it and he didn't.
Both are equally difficult and I sympathise with you but I also sympathise with him.

If you genuinely can't work through it then I understand you leaving but I doubt your kids will ever forgive you for walking out on them because sex was more important to you.
Leave him, don't leave your children.

So this turned out to be a reverse.

Hmmm.

twice a month isn't a sexless marriage. that should be enough if you love each other.

we have a mismatched sex drive in our relationship. his has decreased, mine has increased.
I think it has a lot to do with his meds, and realistically once a month or every couple of months is what I get. I've given up initiating, because I find being rejected hurtful. it HAS been less than that.
BUT. we have plenty of non sexual intimacy. we are very cuddly. I woke up this morning so happy because I found myself in my favourite arrangement. I might be short, but I like being the big spoon, snuggling into his back, and I was like that, with our cat snoozing on the side of my ribcage. and I was just lying there thinking how physically perfect that moment was. all warm and cosy and feeling loved.

so, I completely GET the frustration of wanting more than you're getting. and I get how being turned down is hurtful.
but also, it's not like you're NOT having sex. you're having it once a month or more, that's not unbearable, unless you're only with someone to have sex with them.

I wouldn't leave someone I love over that. there must be more he's not feeling satisfied with than just that for him to be willing to leave over having sex a few times a month.

@Ottersmith

And in the end the bf is irrelevant because this turns out to be a reverse