Husband just walked out- intimacy issues

[Newstart2024]

Bit of background, me and DH have 3 kids aged 7,4 and 2. My libido always been a bit lower than his but okay, we talked about it before marriage and with our vicar in wedding counselling prior and dh said he couldnt live in a sexless marriage. Which is fine by me I agreed.
Since then and with the children our sex life has been up and down and on a down patch after our second we had some counselling where husband says he doesn’t feel desired, touch is a love language and he always initiates which makes him feel like he’s pressuring me. He basically said if things didn’t improve he’d leave because it’s so important to him. we talked it through (though counsellor wasn’t great and part of her advice was to stop breastfeeding??!!!). we were okay for a while.
Recently I’ve changed contraception and after sorting it finally my husband suggested we try for intimacy once a week and he didn’t always want to intiate.

This was fine at first but last few weeks we haven’t and I didn’t think anything of it. Then last weekend he did suggest we go upstairs but I’d hurt my neck and told him it might be worth waiting a few days which he was annoyed about but he knows it’s true!

Cut to mid week last week and after we did kids bedtime I came down and he had packed a bag! He told me he had arranged a room through air bnb and was moving there. He was very calm saying he had always been clear about intimacy and he couldn’t see the marriage continuing. The air bnb is 10 minute walk away and he left.
I have been left overnight with kids and doing breakfast in the morning. I normally do this but sometimes he is here working from home or sometimes he has left for the office. I do the childminder drop off for youngest and school runs. We both work, then one of us will pick kids up from childminder at 5:30-6. He has come here after work to help with bedtimes then off back to the air Bnb!!!

Last night he sent an email saying this weekend he would be back home with family (they live 150 miles away) and then he would look after kids next weekend. He said we can discuss a longer term solution. He has the money to rent a room I’m sure but that money we have been putting towards our holidays etc. He earns more than me.

I am totally blindsided and don’t know what to do next?! When I’ve talked to him he said he hasn’t ruled out reconciling but doesn’t know how things are expected to change when we’ve already discussed and had counselling about this issue before. I’d be willing to make more of an effort but it’s just not on my radar as much as him.

Ideas? He’s really calm and just seems a bit sad and in “I’ve got a plan” mode?! I’ve been frustrated upset and shocked and asked him to stay and talk but he’s just been going back to air bnb and wants to talk when situation a bit clearer and calmer? Kids are okay but confused their day is pretty much the same.

Is possible, not isn't. Love a bit of autocorrect messing with my points. 😆

It's a reverse.

🙄

@GiddyRobin well my last time was July. Does that make me usual? Unusual? Who cares?! There is zero rule to say sex is mandatory in a marriage. Zero. Especially when you're done having kids, the actual biological purpose is no longer necessary. I'm 36, h is 44. do I miss it? Nope! Would I like extra half hour sleep instead? Hell yeah!

And if you and your DH are fine with that, more power to you.

DH and I are also done having kids. He's snipped, I think I'm in very early menopause (runs in my family). Sex isn't just about procreation.

I'm 34 and DH is 40, and the idea of spending the next 30 or 40 years without being intimate (or rarely) with the man I love and want makes me feel horrid.

Sex isn't mandatory and that's fine if you both feel the same way. OP doesn't. I'd leave (and I have left) any relationship that cut off sexual intimacy, because for me it's important. I don't want to live with a friend; I've got plenty of them. I want a husband.

@GiddyRobin fair enough, each to their own. I personally can't be bothered with having to make sure I'm prepped/shaved etc. And I'd rather the sleep. My husband would probably like more but knows I don't so doesn't pester.

Why do you need to prep and shave to have sex?

Well, I hope your DH does feel the same. And initiating sex or telling a partner you'd like more isn't pestering. It's being honest about your needs. It's called communication.

Pestering is something else entirely.

Youve got that wrong, once a year or less is considered sexless

From this article: www.bbc.com/worklife/article/20221019-the-millennials-in-sexless-marriages
There are multiple definitions of a sexless marriage. One is literal: the couple has not had any sex at all for a long period of time. Another widely used measure for a sexless marriage is having sex fewer than 10 times a year.Experts who spoke with BBC Worklife also had varying ideas. New York City-based sex therapist Stephen Snyder says, “I usually think of ‘sexless’ as four times a year or less,” unless that couple is “having sex quarterly and they both say it's awesome”. Kimberly Anderson, sex therapist and assistant professor of psychiatry at UCLA's School of Medicine, puts the rate of a ‘low-sex’ marriage at fewer than 25 times per year

Yep agreed @Gcsunnyside23 once a year or less

Sex isn't mandatory but loving and caring for the person is, at least if you want it to be successful.
You are completely incorrect about the only biological purpose for sex being procreation, that is the primary, but the secondary reasons are to build deep bonds with our partners.
I think it's OK if you don't miss it, but if your husband does then I think you are ignoring your marriage vows as well as his needs, and that is selfish. Which you are perfectly entitled to be, as long as you wouldn't judge him for being equally selfish about something important to you.

@RebelliousStarrChild is there a specific marriage vow about sex?!

“With my body I honor you” and “to have and to hold” is about sex but depends which vows you used.

Do you actually ask your dh if he’s happy with things? Would you have sex more if he wasn’t?
He might have his bags packed an an air Bnb booked you never know?! Is it worth not reaching out and reaching a compromise over?

It’s your relationship of course but I put on my updated thread that it’s a cautionary tale. People think people don’t leave marriages over sex but I would.

Definitely- I think we need more asexuality and low libido awareness. I feel for Op's husband as it's hard for a man to admit these things, but he should have been honest & held out for a low libido wife.
But also we need to make clear that sex positivity doesn't have to mean BDSM, choking etc.. Culture is so hypersexualised now w the Internet, it's getting like the 60s where a woman who doesn't like the hypermasculine version of sex is labelled a prude, & made to feel that's the only way you can like sex. I feel like for straight women the issue may be sometimes partly that they've had selfish sexual partners, & sex has been 'done to' them, rather than with, so they think that's the only way men act, & the only way sex can be. It's sad bc the only way to fix the problem is for women to find out what sort of sex they like, if any, not give it up completely without trying to find a thoughtful man.
Likewise, it's not helpful when men are seen as universal Casanovas who must always be up for it. The way PUAs & redpillers talk about 'beta' men is often almost as vicious as the way they discuss women- I can't imagine how they'd ridicule a man w a naturally low sex drive & no intention of trying to change.

I think this situation can be even tougher for women because as well as the actual rejection and distance within the relationship, we are fed a constant narrative in society/media that men are always up for it therefore if you're with a man who isn't there must be something really wrong with you. I think this is really damaging for both men and women.

Very well said. 👏

Sorry you are going through a tough spot, OP.
I’d recommend you both get individual counselling as a first step. Him to explore whether there are any other underlying issues (trauma, stress, lack of connection in the relationship etc), and for you to explore why, if taken at face value, his lower libido and struggle to initiate sex has such a negative impact on your own sense of self and wellbeing. This is definitely about more than sex, noting you say he shows love and affection in other ways, and is otherwise a good husband. If someone having a lot libido cuts you to your core so deeply you are considering leaving your children because the psychological toll is too much, there is stuff to unpack! You may still make the same decision, but it would probably worth exploring is underlying it all. You have said yourself you were really hypervigilant about small dry spells pre marriage, even though you usually had regular sex. That in itself seems unusual. Counselling may also help you weigh up your options moving forward. If you can change the impact the current situation is having on your self-esteem, you will be able to make a clearer decision on what you want moving forward.

If the decision is between an otherwise loving and warm marriage but a husband with low libido, noting yours may also be impacted in the future by things like perimenopause or illness, and you may find yourself grateful. Staying living with your kids is also a huge bonus, to them as well.

The alternative is likely to be a lot of casual sex, and possibly another relationship in the future with someone with a higher libido. Noting the ages of your kids, it will be a long time before moving someone in is appropriate, if ever. The odds of getting someone better than your husband also seem very low!

If being able to shag freely is worth it because being desirable is what reinforces your self-esteem, that’s fine. I’d just get counselling and go into the decision VERY clear about both the benefits and consequences.

Sorry I have been updating my other thread but didn’t want to read this and leave it. I think it would be useful to look at it, I am waiting for an ADHD assessment and I know it’s associated with rejection sensitive dysphoria and I think that’s why when things happen (or rather don’t) I’m packing my bags and leaving, it’s just such an intense experience.

(And yes I know everyone has ADHD these days and I think smart phone use has a lot to do with it but I’ve always had some symptoms which seem to be getting worse and affecting my work… and possibly affecting how I’m handling this issue in the relationship and I wanted to see re a diagnosis and see if there are things which can help).

Why are you attempting to minimise the importance of sex in a long term relationship?
That seems really strange to me.

"If being able to shag freely is worth it because being desirable is what reinforces your self-esteem, that’s fine"

This part in particular. Very nasty and judgemental.

Also the alternative isn't just casual sex, the OP is very likely to meet a man she likes for a long term relationship that will meet her sexual needs if that is what she wants.

If you love that man you would give a shit if he was unhappy, you would want him to have a life that is full of love, appreciation, adoration and yes desire, because that is something most heterosexual men want, one woman on this earth that truly wants them.

Now this doesn't mean you need to be swinging from the rafters from dusk til dawn, but I think you should be less proud to declare it aloud that you don't care if you satisfy your husband, that you couldn't care less if his needs are being met in the marriage. Because something tells me you wouldn't be so content if he decided to end the marriage.

Yes, sex is a basic need for most people. Emotionally & physically. You're not wrong to want more OP. Were you vigilant bc you thought that he might stop having sex? It may be your self esteem depends on him desiring you, & just bc he has low libido doesn't mean he doesn't love you, but it's throwing the baby out w the bathwater to say if you worked on your self esteem, the lack of sex wouldn't matter. Some people don't put sex is key for their happiness, but if you do, there is nothing wrong w that, many women are the same, probs most before the menopause.

The reality is that future sex isn’t likely to be in the context of a typical living together relationship for quite some time! The OP comes across as a caring and considered parent, who is putting a lot of thought into it. I don’t get the sense they are going to be moving a new man into the house with the kids soon after separation.
Sure, she might have a partner she sees when she doesn’t have the kids, but then there is the flip side of sacrificing everything she does have (like someone pulling their equal weight, daily companionship etc) for that situation.

The OP‘s update makes a lot of sense. My guess is that if OP de-linked the connection between sex and her self-worth, it would take a lot of pressure off the marriage, and more regular sex may be a natural consequence of that.

right. I mean I get cuddles in the supermarket queue. he stands behind me and hugs me and kisses the top of my head while we wait.

and we're not in the honeymoon phase. we've been together 24 years
but casual, non sexual affection is EVERYWHERE in our relationship

WAYYY back in the 90s, when my husband was a lot slimmer, we were at a music festival, and as we walked past, someone said "is that Jonny Depp?!"

We had a good chat last night.
I think the one thing that really helped is he just didn’t think this was an issue that I’d get so upset about I’d leave the house over.
He is a passive person and I am a proactive person and it’s always worked but it doesn’t for this because it’s too personal to me and I take it as a rejection.

At our previous counselling we came away with me initiating some times (I never really used to and would just stew over it) and me flagging when I was feeling upset and when we’ve gone over that last night what was there for him to do?! It’s all on me? Also it’s so hard to speak up when you’re feeling rejected, it’s a further humiliation.

So now he knows that I’m so upset it’s air bnb territory he has promised to be more proactive. He said off his own bat and to his own devices with opportunity he would be happy with once a week and some weeks more, so I have to believe that at face value. I don’t know why he would lie he knows I’m not going anywhere at the moment. He says he’s not gay and says he’s attracted to me so… we’ll see. Once a week plus is fine by me with our young kids and busy lives because it’s romantic and good.

My nervousness is if we’ve agreed this “schedule” and don’t keep to it, what then? So maybe a schedule is playing with fire…. (Possibly that is all overthinking and catastrophising but hey, welcome to my world). Then i’m stuck and probably needs guidance from a sex therapist but to be honest I’m too busy with work at the moment, the kids and the run up to Christmas. So if it’s not better over the next 6 weeks will look at it in the New Year.