Husband just walked out- intimacy issues

[Newstart2024]

Bit of background, me and DH have 3 kids aged 7,4 and 2. My libido always been a bit lower than his but okay, we talked about it before marriage and with our vicar in wedding counselling prior and dh said he couldnt live in a sexless marriage. Which is fine by me I agreed.
Since then and with the children our sex life has been up and down and on a down patch after our second we had some counselling where husband says he doesn’t feel desired, touch is a love language and he always initiates which makes him feel like he’s pressuring me. He basically said if things didn’t improve he’d leave because it’s so important to him. we talked it through (though counsellor wasn’t great and part of her advice was to stop breastfeeding??!!!). we were okay for a while.
Recently I’ve changed contraception and after sorting it finally my husband suggested we try for intimacy once a week and he didn’t always want to intiate.

This was fine at first but last few weeks we haven’t and I didn’t think anything of it. Then last weekend he did suggest we go upstairs but I’d hurt my neck and told him it might be worth waiting a few days which he was annoyed about but he knows it’s true!

Cut to mid week last week and after we did kids bedtime I came down and he had packed a bag! He told me he had arranged a room through air bnb and was moving there. He was very calm saying he had always been clear about intimacy and he couldn’t see the marriage continuing. The air bnb is 10 minute walk away and he left.
I have been left overnight with kids and doing breakfast in the morning. I normally do this but sometimes he is here working from home or sometimes he has left for the office. I do the childminder drop off for youngest and school runs. We both work, then one of us will pick kids up from childminder at 5:30-6. He has come here after work to help with bedtimes then off back to the air Bnb!!!

Last night he sent an email saying this weekend he would be back home with family (they live 150 miles away) and then he would look after kids next weekend. He said we can discuss a longer term solution. He has the money to rent a room I’m sure but that money we have been putting towards our holidays etc. He earns more than me.

I am totally blindsided and don’t know what to do next?! When I’ve talked to him he said he hasn’t ruled out reconciling but doesn’t know how things are expected to change when we’ve already discussed and had counselling about this issue before. I’d be willing to make more of an effort but it’s just not on my radar as much as him.

Ideas? He’s really calm and just seems a bit sad and in “I’ve got a plan” mode?! I’ve been frustrated upset and shocked and asked him to stay and talk but he’s just been going back to air bnb and wants to talk when situation a bit clearer and calmer? Kids are okay but confused their day is pretty much the same.

Tbh I'm not sure why you're blindsided. He's told you how he feels, been to counselling, doesn't sound like he's been a sex pest and you agreed to DTD once a week and you've not kept up your end of the bargain. It can't be a surprise that he's made good on his words.

In your shoes I'd see a solicitor and find out what you can and can't do, then work with him to ensure you both put the dc first.

Perfectly up for it and into it I’d say twice a month, once a week was the compromise. I do notice a difference after we’ve been intimate in his happiness and the general relationship. So yes perhaps should have seen it coming.

To book an air Bnb and pack a bag feels a bit dramatic though. I don’t know if he’s just trying to show me he’s serious about it being a deal breaker where I’ve just seen it as an issue that needs watching/bit of work.

It sounds to me as though your DH has behaved in a mature and reasonable way about the situation. He didn't want to "pester" you for sex and he's attended lots of counselling with you. I think he's done his best. Despite this you seem not to be have woken up to the extreme importance of it all. I think you've been hoping it would all go away. He has every right to want a healthy sexual relationship with you and you have every right to say you don't, but obviously that means the marriage cannot work.

@Anotherworrier I'm glad the tide seems to be changing a bit with this - there seems to be more pushback now. Although there is a current thread where the DH said he was leaving after Christmas and so many replies said to 'kick him out now, today'.

I don’t know if he’s just trying to show me he’s serious about it being a deal breaker where I’ve just seen it as an issue that needs watching/bit of work.

Sounds as if you’re still not taking him seriously …

THIS!
He's obviously not in it for the long haul if he can't seem to see that his need for sex trumps your need for support.

You can't turn it on and off!

What you need is to feel valued and desired. He needs sex.

He will only get what he wants by giving you what you want.

To me it's not about mismatched libido. It sounds like it's difference in what counts as intimacy.

Does he show you physical affection without expecting sex, or does he expect the sex without intimacy?

But you’re not with them are you? You’re just a housemate

I assume he can force me to sell as part of the divorce if he wanted to? Though I think he’d be happy us living here even though the impact would be he couldn’t have the kids in his rented room and would have to come back here?

I’ve googled an actual sex therapist locally and might suggest that? The counselling we had before was with a general counsellor from relate and as I say I really didn’t think her advice was good.

Well I wouldn't put the blame more on either side. He's been very open from the start that he needed regular sex, and you've been showing all along that you don't. You both decided to get married anyway, which was your joint mistake.

Now, if you are to stay married he must stay without the sex, or you must stay with the sex. It's not going to work, and you must jointly decide whatever separation will be least harmful for the children.

I mean, this is what women would be advised to do on here. "Can you go stay with your parents/a mate?"

Men get told they're abusive sex pests.

Just on the point about it being the kids and young kids it did pop up before the children and this is his reasoning i.e it’s not going to get better once kids are older yet he would have spent another 5 years in a sexless marriage in the hope it would.

"Perfectly up for it and into it I’d say twice a month, once a week was the compromise. I do notice a difference after we’ve been intimate in his happiness and the general relationship. So yes perhaps should have seen it coming"

'Perfectly up for it' and yet.....not. Unfortunately anyone can say words, but it's the actions that count.

My ex said so many words about so many things. So, so many. But never followed through 🤷‍♀️.

This sounds a bit clinical though doesn’t it OP. Feeling loved and wanted from his perspective (and yes we could all have a different view on whether having sex actually achieves that) but you’re discussing it as some sort of issue that needs to be somehow dealt with.

OP you didn't answer about general intimacy, not sex. It's there any of that? Cuddles, hand holds, a quick kiss etc? You seem to have an the focus of intimacy on sex

I agree.

Why is he putting this before everything else? Even when she’s hurt her neck. He packs his bag and goes off leaving her with the kids to explain? Disgusting.

Yes you’d really want to go to bed with him then! Has he forgotten his marriage vows?

Thats pride taking over isn’t it. It’s actually just sad.

The problem with no sex, or very little sex is that quite often there is no other physical affection either. The party who wants to have sex/more sex stops asking for a kiss, or trying to kiss as the action might be misinterpreted as wanting to have sex. Before you know it you aren't having sex, you aren't kissing, cuddling, touching each other because it might be interpreted as wanting sex, not that you just want a cuddle. So it becomes like room mates, not life. partners. And really, it can be very difficult to start having sex once you are in the habit of not. So kids get older, have their own lives and you are still in a sex desert.
I realize that having small children makes opportunities less likely, but it's important to work at your relationship too.

My oldest is 7 and my youngest is 2 and I don't have a four year old in the middle. He sounds like a selfish twat to be honest. It's perfectly normal for things to be like this with such young children

But it sounds like it was like this without young children too. They're just not matched in terms of desire.

On MN everyone seems to have an amazing sex life while working full time and raising young children. From discussing with friends, sex dwindled to practically nothing during the young kids years for pretty much everyone.

It sounds like this is a compatibility issue. Personally I wouldn't be able to force myself to have sex when I didn't feel like it, let alone be feelkng I had to initiate it, so would have to accept the end of the relationship. Don't feel like you've done anything wrong though - it's very common not to feel interested in sex when you are working full time and raising several children.

It's not on for him to leave you with all the childcare, so that part needs to be sorted as soon as possible.

Erm he’s more touchy feely than I am but then he feels like it’s all fake unless there is real intimacy as well if that makes sense. He’s sort of what the point in hugs and kisses if we don’t actually have a sexual relationship.

OP says it was like this before them, which tbh means he should probably have walked before having them when it's a deal breaker. They're incompatible.

I think he's done the right thing.

He's tried to communicate with you. In fairness to him, he told you before you married. That was your cue to be honest and say "actually, sex isn't as important to me" and then you could have both found someone you were compatible with. Since marriage, he's tried counselling with you, there isn't any compromise here. He can't and doesn't want to force you to want regular sex with him.

It would destroy my confidence if I had to beg for sex once a week. I couldn't stay in a relationship like that. In a relationship, sex at least a few times a week is important to me so I wouldn't be with someone for whom it wasn't.

It sounds like you're great friends and hopefully that can continue as you learn to co-parent.

It definitely wasn’t as bad before as most often one of us ends up cosleeping with the 2 year old as she’s still not sleeping through so there are logistics to consider but yes slightly mismatched before marriage which is when he says in the wedding counselling before we got married he had been clear he didn’t want a sexless marriage though twice a month wouldn’t be sexless?

Sorry but he's making my skin crawl. I would let him go. He's a selfish baby and needs to grow up. Things change when kids come along; it's inevitable. Honestly, let him go.