Husband just walked out- intimacy issues

[Newstart2024]

Bit of background, me and DH have 3 kids aged 7,4 and 2. My libido always been a bit lower than his but okay, we talked about it before marriage and with our vicar in wedding counselling prior and dh said he couldnt live in a sexless marriage. Which is fine by me I agreed.
Since then and with the children our sex life has been up and down and on a down patch after our second we had some counselling where husband says he doesn’t feel desired, touch is a love language and he always initiates which makes him feel like he’s pressuring me. He basically said if things didn’t improve he’d leave because it’s so important to him. we talked it through (though counsellor wasn’t great and part of her advice was to stop breastfeeding??!!!). we were okay for a while.
Recently I’ve changed contraception and after sorting it finally my husband suggested we try for intimacy once a week and he didn’t always want to intiate.

This was fine at first but last few weeks we haven’t and I didn’t think anything of it. Then last weekend he did suggest we go upstairs but I’d hurt my neck and told him it might be worth waiting a few days which he was annoyed about but he knows it’s true!

Cut to mid week last week and after we did kids bedtime I came down and he had packed a bag! He told me he had arranged a room through air bnb and was moving there. He was very calm saying he had always been clear about intimacy and he couldn’t see the marriage continuing. The air bnb is 10 minute walk away and he left.
I have been left overnight with kids and doing breakfast in the morning. I normally do this but sometimes he is here working from home or sometimes he has left for the office. I do the childminder drop off for youngest and school runs. We both work, then one of us will pick kids up from childminder at 5:30-6. He has come here after work to help with bedtimes then off back to the air Bnb!!!

Last night he sent an email saying this weekend he would be back home with family (they live 150 miles away) and then he would look after kids next weekend. He said we can discuss a longer term solution. He has the money to rent a room I’m sure but that money we have been putting towards our holidays etc. He earns more than me.

I am totally blindsided and don’t know what to do next?! When I’ve talked to him he said he hasn’t ruled out reconciling but doesn’t know how things are expected to change when we’ve already discussed and had counselling about this issue before. I’d be willing to make more of an effort but it’s just not on my radar as much as him.

Ideas? He’s really calm and just seems a bit sad and in “I’ve got a plan” mode?! I’ve been frustrated upset and shocked and asked him to stay and talk but he’s just been going back to air bnb and wants to talk when situation a bit clearer and calmer? Kids are okay but confused their day is pretty much the same.

This is a bit harsh.

So given this is a reverse who walked out? You or him?

Do you actually love him? Sex aside, your posts don't read to me as if you see your husband as the love of your life.

The reason you've 'just seen it as an issue that needs watching' is because you are not the one who feels frustrated and undesired by lack of sex. It's a bigger deal to him because he's the one that's unhappy. It wasn't a major issue for you because for you, nothing was missing from your life. But for him, it clearly was.

If my boyfriend was talking about sex with me in the way that you're talking about sex with your husband, I'd be devastated and I would also be booking myself into an Airbnb.

It's obvious that you have very mismatched sex drives. I think it's interesting that you say 'I'm as attracted to him as anyone else' which suggests you have very little interest in sex at all, really, and you're not going to be able to get past that. You have a right not to want to sex but he has a right not to want to live in a marriage where he doesn't feel loved or desired and where his wife makes him feel like sex is a chore. He isn't being dramatic to want to end things; to him, this isn't a complete marriage and he is entitled to feel that way even though you feel differently.

Have you ever wondered whether it's more a case of you not being very interested in sex with men, rather than not being interested in sex at all? The fact that you apparently discussed your libidos with your vicar in relation to marriage, rather than with a therapist in relation to sex for its own sake, makes me wonder if there's a religious element here that's affecting the way you see sexuality?

Omg please stop with the .mismatched sex drives rubbish. Men and women are completely different. We may as well be a different species. There are going to be many many occasions when women don't want sex with men.
Childbirth, being knackered with young children periods, menopause. We are completely different emotionally. We don't separate love and sex like men do. We don't want sex if we don't feel loved or if we are being taken for granted.
Men don't need love to have sex.
Men and women will NEVER have matched sex drives. If a couple get married it only works if they compromise.

@Gettingbysomehow What a load of absolute rubbish. You’ve just described me and my (male) partner to a T – except according to your descriptions he’s the woman and I’m the man.

I don’t know. All I know is that I hear about men having high sex drive on this thread and I wonder where are they and why I can’t find one matching mine.

Bollocks. And naive.

As a 50 year old woman, your experience is certainly not mine.

However, one significant nuance, which I genuinely accept, is financial autonomy. Resentment, or being more specific, feeling trapped in a sitch, breeds resentment, and who wants to shag the person that you (in part) feel created your loss of autonomy?

Why do you think she needs someone "better"? He’s been clear from the start—it’s not about finding someone better, it’s about compatibility. He communicated his feelings openly.

She absolutely has the right to choose what she’s comfortable with when it comes to sex. At the same time, he also has the right to want a relationship where physical intimacy is a regular part. Wanting sex once a week isn’t an unreasonable expectation in many relationships.

Source?