Husband just walked out- intimacy issues

[Newstart2024]

Bit of background, me and DH have 3 kids aged 7,4 and 2. My libido always been a bit lower than his but okay, we talked about it before marriage and with our vicar in wedding counselling prior and dh said he couldnt live in a sexless marriage. Which is fine by me I agreed.
Since then and with the children our sex life has been up and down and on a down patch after our second we had some counselling where husband says he doesn’t feel desired, touch is a love language and he always initiates which makes him feel like he’s pressuring me. He basically said if things didn’t improve he’d leave because it’s so important to him. we talked it through (though counsellor wasn’t great and part of her advice was to stop breastfeeding??!!!). we were okay for a while.
Recently I’ve changed contraception and after sorting it finally my husband suggested we try for intimacy once a week and he didn’t always want to intiate.

This was fine at first but last few weeks we haven’t and I didn’t think anything of it. Then last weekend he did suggest we go upstairs but I’d hurt my neck and told him it might be worth waiting a few days which he was annoyed about but he knows it’s true!

Cut to mid week last week and after we did kids bedtime I came down and he had packed a bag! He told me he had arranged a room through air bnb and was moving there. He was very calm saying he had always been clear about intimacy and he couldn’t see the marriage continuing. The air bnb is 10 minute walk away and he left.
I have been left overnight with kids and doing breakfast in the morning. I normally do this but sometimes he is here working from home or sometimes he has left for the office. I do the childminder drop off for youngest and school runs. We both work, then one of us will pick kids up from childminder at 5:30-6. He has come here after work to help with bedtimes then off back to the air Bnb!!!

Last night he sent an email saying this weekend he would be back home with family (they live 150 miles away) and then he would look after kids next weekend. He said we can discuss a longer term solution. He has the money to rent a room I’m sure but that money we have been putting towards our holidays etc. He earns more than me.

I am totally blindsided and don’t know what to do next?! When I’ve talked to him he said he hasn’t ruled out reconciling but doesn’t know how things are expected to change when we’ve already discussed and had counselling about this issue before. I’d be willing to make more of an effort but it’s just not on my radar as much as him.

Ideas? He’s really calm and just seems a bit sad and in “I’ve got a plan” mode?! I’ve been frustrated upset and shocked and asked him to stay and talk but he’s just been going back to air bnb and wants to talk when situation a bit clearer and calmer? Kids are okay but confused their day is pretty much the same.

Even with the best of intentions, I honestly think all this “once a week” “once a month” “once a fortnight” timetabling is going to make this so much harder to resolve.
The pressure to “get it done” in the timescales you’re scheduling is all just so unnatural.

Any sex therapist will advise to strip it right back and stop sex altogether, gradually introducing affection with no sex attached then build up to something you’re both comfortable with.
When you’re on two opposite ends of the spectrum forcing one partner to feel they have to perform within the next week/ fortnight/ month is never going to work.

@Newstart2024 that sounds like a positive conversation but be very cautious about having a schedule right now. Given how unloved you feel without sex, the feelings of rejection will no doubt intensify if the ‘schedule’ is not adhered to. Have you discussed with your DH what gets him in the mood or makes him feel loved? It’s likely that if you focus more on that than your own needs it might come about more organically. Try to focus on the fact that he wants this to work, that in his view lack of sex does not equate to lack of love. You’ve said your feelings of rejection lead you to sulking which won’t encourage him to engage with you so instead of sulking, do as you’ve done today, have an honest conversation explaining your feelings without attacking him. Let him explain why he’s not initiated or reciprocated on that occasion but don’t sulk because it then verges into the territory of being coercive as well as being unattractive, further fuelling the cycle.

Your posts have put a smile on my face. Ahhh true love and lasting passion...so rare...

I'm glad there are people enjoying it even if it's not me!

Yes I agree that’s why I said to him I think we’re playing with fire when we discuss a schedule because what happens if we can’t stick to it??

Therapist will have to wait to New Year though.

Do you have intimacy other than sexual intimacy? Or physical affection that is not directly linked to sex? Eg holding hands etc. I’m just thinking that otherwise there is a huge pressure on sex to fulfil your need for connection and feeling loved/secure. This is difficult for both of you. Completely agree that sex can be an important part of the relationship but the other things are important too.

Or... he's been feeling unloved and rejected throughout the marriage?
Frankly... you're just mismatched- neither is in the wrong here

Has he actually told you what he is into? What he likes sexually, doesn't like, what turns him on, if he has any kinks?
He says he is attracted to you, but how does he show this to you on a day to day basis, outside of the bedroom?

Your discussions seem very clinical and focused on talking to solve the problem but he doesn't seem to show much action on his part. Is he happy with how things currently are? Is he actually motivated to change anything?
Look at his behaviour honestly, is he doing anything without prompting from you to help fix this issue?

As to why he would lie, there could be many reasons. The main one I can think of is not wanting it made public knowledge that his wife left him because he couldn't satisfy her in the bedroom. Despite not wanting sex, men generally aren't comfortable with other people having that image about them.

"As to why he would lie, there could be many reasons. The main one I can think of is not wanting it made public knowledge that his wife left him because he couldn't satisfy her in the bedroom. Despite not wanting sex, men generally aren't comfortable with other people having that image about them."

We can discount this reason because I told him I'm not going anywhere not for a few years anyway, which means no-one would know. I can't leave the kids.

Sure he might be lying for other reasons... time will tell!

It's good to read you are both singing from the same page & you want to try & work it out together. I wouldn't worry about creating a schedule then not being able to stick to it. Life is what happens between plans & often spontaneity can be more exciting.
keep talking 😉

Hi All,

I wanted to update this as a lot of people replied.

Anyone who read it would know it was a reverse and I was just feeling really bad and at the end of the road. My husband has never been a proactive type but is loving, supportive and an equal parent and great Dad but proactive... he is not.

Anyway after the whole kick off etc things have been SO MUCH better. We have both been proactive and much more communicative about everything. Sometimes it's been him initiating, sometimes it's been me but we've both made time to be together. It's actually been a whole sort of step change around our communication around intimacy and that's just made everything better as well.

So much happier.
I don't think it was a libido issue per se, seems to have boiled down much more to communication and actually just making time to be intimate around our sleeping arrangements and young kids.

I wouldn't recommend that sort of ultimatum/crisis and am sure people would communicate better than I did... or have more luck getting through... But really thankful I have a partner that would work with me on this issue and make sure we got through it.

Yey!

Really good to get your update @Newstart2024 . Hope things continue to go well

You do not seem to have experience of childbirth and childrearing.
If you lack basic empathy and have never had children then maybe this is not the best thread for you to get involved and rub it in.

@Newstart2024 happy to see your update but play the long game and make sure it’s not a few good weeks and then back to old habits. Wishing you all the best!

He told you from the start that getting serviced is the single most important thing to him. He told you then that his dick was the centre of the universe, so at least he's consistent.

Your purpose is in his eyes to service him.

And he will now throw everything - EVERYTHING - away because he is not getting it.

'Love language' is a con. Worth googling.

I TOTALLY sympathise with you OP. I am in a very similar situation myself. I can fully understand not wanting perfunctory displays of affection - mine usually only does this if a member of the extended family is around - drives me up the wall. He also suddenly has a rush of libido when he knows I’m on my period after weeks of no interest whatsoever. I have called his bluff on this and said we can still do it - and he has - but he was very obv surprised I wanted to - but I felt I needed to see if he actually did want sex, and if this would put him off.

For my partner part of it is biological, if we haven’t down it for a while it it is uncomfortable, even painful and we always say we need to do it more to overcome this - never happens. I also suspect he is asexual but this is something he denies. It’s a very difficult topic to confront bc he gets extremely defensive and then angry whenever I bring it up, even though I try to be as sensitive as possible. It is a real issue for me though and even been together over a decade with children. I can’t see it getting any better but who knows. I get that it is awkward to discuss as it’s usually the woman who loses her libido before her partner, and for that reason I never discuss this with friends bc I don’t want them to judge him, and if I admit it to myself, it’s embarrassing for me. It sucks to be rejected, as you must know.

Have you tried talking to him about sexual attraction? Is there any sign he may be bisexual/gay/asexual? I’m sorry if you’ve discussed that already, I haven’t RTFT but I just wanted to comment as I feel your pain. I hope it works out for you X

I agree with this. It is. Even if you know behind it he is doing it bc you’ve asked him to, it still shows he gives enough of a shit to take onto consideration your feelings. There’s also the stereotype that men always want sex more than women. So you feel (even tho you know it’s their problem not yours) that there’s something wrong with you or lacking. It’s an awful situation to be in and easy for the partner to make you feel like you’re some sez crazed maniac, when you only have to read a few threads to know a lot of women would be hurt and not want to be in a relationship where they have to beg for sex or it isn’t equal and regular, or at least the amount you are both happy with. Having children is a factor, but what if he never wants to have sex more than twice a month, if that, and OP has to continue feeling rejected and embarassed bringing it up?

I think sex therapy is the way to go OP, good luck x

lol! I really should have read the whole thread first, but short on time - excellent news OP, really happy for you 🎉 Hope it stays this way

@Newstart2024 I'm so glad things have improved for you. I am almost always the partner with the higher libido in my relationships and I absolutely recognise the feelings you describe and why it felt so challenging for you.

If you haven't already read it, I highly recommend the book Come As You Are. It completely turned my thinking about sex on its head and has changed the way I feel and react when my partner doesn't want to have sex completely.

Yes absolutely but tbh because he basically has worked with me on it and shown he will put some effort in now, then it has made me feel more comfortable about raising it, not "Let's have a date night" just going "shall we have sex?" And then if he says no (or I say no!) then we just say why and move on. That's been a lot better than rejection and catastrophising we'll never have sex again!
Fingers crossed it's for the longer term.

This is what I do now - not hoping he’ll pick up on subtle signs - just literally saying “do you want to have sex?”

Ha, yes, and i know it's not particularly romantic but with our kids and sleeping logistics it just has to be like that. The intimacy itself is romantic but all subtlety has been lost in the asking :D.

I think this is a rough situation, and I'm really sorry for you. Honestly, for me, while I feel for your husband (it's rough to be rejected), I don't think that trumps your right to not have to have sex when you don't want to have sex. You should never, ever, have to have sex when you don't want to have it. You don't 'owe' someone sex, ever. I'm sure your husband wants loving, consensual sex with you, but if he keeps pressuring/forcing that isn't the kind of sex he'll be getting, and I'm sure neither of you want that. I know that at the start of the marriage he said he couldn't have a marriage without sex and I get that, but also it's a pretty unreasonable expectation that there aren't going to be ups and downs sex-wise in a marriage over the years, ESPECIALLY when you have young kids.

He wants to feel loved and that's ok, and makes sense. But there are other forms of physical touch other than sex that can help you to feel loved - for example, cuddling on the sofa, kissing gently.

Let him go OP. You will be happier in the longterm.
My husband of 20 years walked out when I was going through a tough menopause because I wouldn't have sex with him everyday.
He was never happy with the sex we did have it was 20 years of him wanting more and more, dressing up, fetish and bullshit and I couldn't do a single damned thing without him pawing me, talking or whining about sex no wonder how tired I was.
I let him go with the toe of my boot and it's a massive relief. I'm finally enjoying the life I want to live.
Your H is using sex to bully, threaten and cajole you. It will never be enough for him mark my words.
Enjoy your children and your life without him. You don't need this.

Just seen this is a reverse. It's still not on. Same advise.

No-one should have to have sex if they don't want to at any time.

Sounds like he's asexual - ace people should not feel coerced into it.

We see a lot about sex pest husbands on Mumsnet who don't accept 'no' and it goes the other way round, too.

Age, illness, loss of attraction, the ick etc can all change things later, of course, for either sex, but this is one of those things that should be established before marriage, mortgage, kids - are you in the same place in general? If not, it's doomed from the start.