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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

LONG TERM BOYFRIEND IS A FINANCIAL CAR CRASH

360 replies

Bobbingalong39 · 13/11/2024 11:10

Boyfriend of six years has no real financial responsibility and is very frivolous with his money and it is starting to make me resent him. I am 40 and have three older children with who I share my house with which I purchased with my ex-husband. My boyfriend moved into my home a few months after my break up and has been living here since. My resentment has come from the fact that I pay the mortgage and all the bills including food and anything that is needed for the house. We always go Dutch on nights out or any activities we do which is what I have always been comfortable with as I am quite independent and don’t expect him to provide for me. He pays a horrendous amount of money for a car every month which amounts to more than my mortgage! That is his only financial responsibility which I urged him at the time not to do! He pays me £200 a month which I have asked for to cover his percentage of utility bills and food shopping, which granted, I asked for. in return I do use his car sometimes as he works full-time and has a works vehicle and never uses it. He has started a new job which he enjoys and sometimes means he has to work away. I have become bitter about this as while away, he earns very good money and blows the majority of this socialising with friends after work. While he’s away, I do not take any money off him so I do feel a little short changed when he is living a care free life despite working hard I know. My concerns now are that I don’t want to get in a position where I am always going to have to budget to pay my mortgage and bills while my boyfriend lives virtually rent free forever and has a comfortable life with no financial responsibility ever. I have told him that I may sell my house in a few years to give my children a deposit each to buy their own homes and that maybe he should get a mortgage and I can come and live with him for £200 a month instead! This obviously didn’t go down well and he thinks I’m being silly thinking about selling my house but I see it as helping my children onto the property ladder, as my parents did for me when I purchased my house with my ex-husband. I just want to not feel the pressure of looking out for someone all the time, and mothering them. do you think I should tell him that he has to pay half of all bills as if it was his own and that I will save the money for him just to see if he can be financially responsible or not? if I passed tomorrow, my house would be paid off with my life insurance and my children would sell the house and inherit the money and then he would be without a home. I think that he thinks if anything happened to me then the children would let him live there for the rest of his days, but unfortunately that wouldn’t be the case.

OP posts:
Badburyrings · 13/11/2024 11:18

I think you’ve found yourself a lesser walleted cock lodger there. He pays half of everything or leaves imho. Once he finds out how much rental and bills cost I guess his financial frivolity will stop.

olderbutwiser · 13/11/2024 11:18

He's a selfish freeloader. I'm sure he has some positive qualities, but a partner is someone you're supposed to be in partnership with and I can't see any partnership happening here.

ComtesseDeSpair · 13/11/2024 11:19

You’ve been accepting it for six years. Either you stop accepting it and end the relationship, or you continue accepting it. Nothing’s going to change otherwise.

TwistedWonder · 13/11/2024 11:21

Another in the long line of MN feeeloading scrounging cocklodgers who are literally taking food out of their partners kids mouths. Every penny you waste bankrolling his poncing arse is a penny you’re taking from your kids

How on earth do these shameless men keep finding women who willingly bankroll them?

yeesh · 13/11/2024 11:21

Why are you putting up with this? Boot him out, crazy to allow this man to sponge off you for all this time

Gcsunnyside23 · 13/11/2024 11:25

I don't get why you didn't put some structure around this when he moved in. He sounds like a right freeloader. Why would you take the money and save it for him? Keep it towards a new deposit for your next house if you're selling your current one. How he reacts will be telling?

Singleandproud · 13/11/2024 11:26

He should have never moved in to a house with children a few months after their parents broke up that sounds like the first issue, so either you were together when married or moved him in during the 'honeymoon' period. Poor children unless they themselves are adults.

Second is that he is a cocklodger, saw you coming a mile off. Tell him it's no longer working and you need the space back for the children, it'll be early impossible to assert new habits now s you'll need to end the relationship. Be alone a little while and learn to assert boundaries with the next man.

Hoppinggreen · 13/11/2024 11:29

Why did he move in so quickly? Whose idea was that?

Bobbingalong39 · 13/11/2024 11:39

I know 4 months after my breakup moving him in was definitely not the right thing to do, after 7 weeks together! And if I’m honest I regretted it quite soon after, but I’m too loyal for my own good. I was broken and jumped in feet first to fill the void in my life at the time.

OP posts:
Mirabai · 13/11/2024 11:41

Get rid. In the mean time charge him £200 per week.

Derogations · 13/11/2024 11:43

Loyal? To him but not your own DC?

Bobbingalong39 · 13/11/2024 11:44

I have had people tell me that he shouldn’t be paying towards the mortgage if it isn’t in his name and I understand that which is why I am very lenient with what he pays as to show him that I don’t need his money but my resentment is because he just assumes That I will always be there to take care of everything And he can then live a comfortable life purchasing what he wants and spending whenever he likes because he’ll never have the responsibilities, financially that I have. I would maybe consider putting into a mortgage together. he has suggested coming onto my mortgage next year as it is up for renewal but I don’t want him to do that as I have had my House for nine years now and paid half of it off.

OP posts:
UpstartCrows · 13/11/2024 11:44

Bobbingalong39 · 13/11/2024 11:39

I know 4 months after my breakup moving him in was definitely not the right thing to do, after 7 weeks together! And if I’m honest I regretted it quite soon after, but I’m too loyal for my own good. I was broken and jumped in feet first to fill the void in my life at the time.

You're not loyal, you are a mug . Don't confuse the two.

He's taking the piss out of you and you're letting him do it. Question is what are you going to do about it?

DowntonCrabby · 13/11/2024 11:45

Only read the first few lines- get rid. You deserve better Flowers

AgreeableDragon · 13/11/2024 11:46

He didn't have to pay towards the mortgage but you can charge him rent!!! Good grief, he's had six years rent free, either set up a lodging agreement or kick him out!

Alarae · 13/11/2024 11:47

Sounds like a hobosexual.

Mootching off you so he can spend lavishly on himself. Get rid.

TwistedWonder · 13/11/2024 11:47

Bobbingalong39 · 13/11/2024 11:39

I know 4 months after my breakup moving him in was definitely not the right thing to do, after 7 weeks together! And if I’m honest I regretted it quite soon after, but I’m too loyal for my own good. I was broken and jumped in feet first to fill the void in my life at the time.

Unfortunately theses freeloaders sniff out vulnerabilities a mile off and he saw you coming.

It’s your home - tell him hes no longer welcome there. You’re facilitating his cocklodging every day you allow him to stay under your roof.

CookieofTheEmpire · 13/11/2024 11:47

Six years you've put up with this?
You must be fucking insane.
Open your eyes.
He must have seen you coming!
Get rid of him.
The end.

Bobbingalong39 · 13/11/2024 11:48

I have suggested selling my house next year and gifting this to my older children and then suggesting he gets a mortgage and I live with him instead and put the financial owness on him? I have collateral in my name so if it didn’t work out between us, I know I would be financially okay. I just want him to take the reins and see what the shoe is like on the other foot.

OP posts:
TwistedWonder · 13/11/2024 11:50

Bobbingalong39 · 13/11/2024 11:48

I have suggested selling my house next year and gifting this to my older children and then suggesting he gets a mortgage and I live with him instead and put the financial owness on him? I have collateral in my name so if it didn’t work out between us, I know I would be financially okay. I just want him to take the reins and see what the shoe is like on the other foot.

Stop bring a mug seriously. If he wants to contribute he would have done. Any decent partner would willingly offer to pay towards the household.

And despite you letting him live rent free he still expects you to go 50/50 on dates? Seriously find your self respect and stop letting him ponce off of you and your kids. Hes pond life scum

JRSKSSBH · 13/11/2024 11:51

You will be housing and supporting him forever, so of course he has no interest in you passing money on to your children. Their interests are diametrically opposed. I suspect that after 6 years he will be very used to the set up you have and will stubbornly resist any changes whatsoever. You have spoilt and indulged him. Best to dump, move him out and please wait before you introduce another bf to your kids.

UpstartCrows · 13/11/2024 11:51

This is cocklodger bingo!

Newly broken up long term relationship- check

Man finds vulnerable woman - check

Woman allows man to move in despite not really knowing him (I bet you had food in your freezer for longer than you were with him!) - check

Man gets feet under the table - check

Man finds way to make woman feel guilty about getting him to pay his way - check

Man starts nagging that he should be on the mortgage so he can get a stake financially- check

You're now just left with:

Woman stupidly puts man on mortgage and loses half her house and her kids inheritance

Man still refuses to pay anymore than absolutely necessary

Man splits up with woman and forces her to sell her home to pay him off

woman forced into private rent or waiting on council house list

Man moves on to next mug

OP I'm being harsh because you need to give your head a wobble and get rid of him.

hadenoughofplayinggames · 13/11/2024 11:55

Does he have two cars? One he pays a lot for and one from work?

If so, his car needs to go, and with the money he is saving he needs to give you more per month. You need to effectively charge him monthly “rent”, and that needs paid no matter where he is - if he was renting his bills wouldn’t stop just because he’s away.

AlertCat · 13/11/2024 11:56

Take some financial and legal advice before you change anything, in case you make a change that won’t benefit you.

Do you love this man? Do you want to be with him, or would you really prefer to downsize when you sell your house, and buy a little place just for you?

Bobbingalong39 · 13/11/2024 11:57

AgreeableDragon · 13/11/2024 11:46

He didn't have to pay towards the mortgage but you can charge him rent!!! Good grief, he's had six years rent free, either set up a lodging agreement or kick him out!

I stupidly put it down from £100 per week to £50 per week because I know longer pay for my own car which was recently scrapped. So I came to the decision that I paid around £200 a month all in for my car so I said that is all I will be contributing towards your Car as that is not my fault that you decided to buy a car which costs you in the region of £1000 a month! I get the impression that he thinks that we share everything and that by him letting me use his car which cost a fortune is the same as him staying in my house bed and board included is the same!

OP posts:
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