LONG TERM BOYFRIEND IS A FINANCIAL CAR CRASH

[Bobbingalong39]

Boyfriend of six years has no real financial responsibility and is very frivolous with his money and it is starting to make me resent him. I am 40 and have three older children with who I share my house with which I purchased with my ex-husband. My boyfriend moved into my home a few months after my break up and has been living here since. My resentment has come from the fact that I pay the mortgage and all the bills including food and anything that is needed for the house. We always go Dutch on nights out or any activities we do which is what I have always been comfortable with as I am quite independent and don’t expect him to provide for me. He pays a horrendous amount of money for a car every month which amounts to more than my mortgage! That is his only financial responsibility which I urged him at the time not to do! He pays me £200 a month which I have asked for to cover his percentage of utility bills and food shopping, which granted, I asked for. in return I do use his car sometimes as he works full-time and has a works vehicle and never uses it. He has started a new job which he enjoys and sometimes means he has to work away. I have become bitter about this as while away, he earns very good money and blows the majority of this socialising with friends after work. While he’s away, I do not take any money off him so I do feel a little short changed when he is living a care free life despite working hard I know. My concerns now are that I don’t want to get in a position where I am always going to have to budget to pay my mortgage and bills while my boyfriend lives virtually rent free forever and has a comfortable life with no financial responsibility ever. I have told him that I may sell my house in a few years to give my children a deposit each to buy their own homes and that maybe he should get a mortgage and I can come and live with him for £200 a month instead! This obviously didn’t go down well and he thinks I’m being silly thinking about selling my house but I see it as helping my children onto the property ladder, as my parents did for me when I purchased my house with my ex-husband. I just want to not feel the pressure of looking out for someone all the time, and mothering them. do you think I should tell him that he has to pay half of all bills as if it was his own and that I will save the money for him just to see if he can be financially responsible or not? if I passed tomorrow, my house would be paid off with my life insurance and my children would sell the house and inherit the money and then he would be without a home. I think that he thinks if anything happened to me then the children would let him live there for the rest of his days, but unfortunately that wouldn’t be the case.

You're going to make yourself homeless so your DC can buy their own houses? Please get some financial advice, this is not a good idea and setting you up for an insecure old age.

Also, throw him back in the sea with the other turds.

my concerns were whether he can/will change

If he was ever going to change, he would have done it by now.

Why would you want a future with a man who only steps up when you force him to?

This isn’t true. You have the interest in your home to lose because you are not legally protected. He could claim he has a beneficial interest in it. Honestly please don’t be stupid.

This is the result of the "I must have a man, any man" mentality. He's taking advantage of you, OP. If you tossed him out tomorrow it would be no time until he latched on to some other desperate woman so that she could pay his bills.

He obviously has no respect for you, or he wouldn't take advantage, and where there is no respect there is no real love.

Totally beside the point here but what kind of car costs £1000 a month!? I’ve never done PCP so not sure how it compares to other cars.
As others have said I would look at the relationship and how you feel about it. If you still want to be with him then he needs to start putting money away for a joint mortgage (for when you downsize to release equity for your kids)
Honestly though what does he bring to your life? What is your gut instinct on this?

Agree with this. He shouldn’t pay towards the mortgage but should definitely be paying at least 50/50 fir bills and shopping.

And 💯 he should be paying for treats, nights out etc. In his position it’s the absolute minimum he should be doing.

He’s never going to act is he? Why should he? He’s got a lovely home he’s paying £50 a week which is what I used to give to my parents as ‘keep’ 30 years ago when I brought home £600 a month!
That money probably just about covers your gas bill.
He has a luxury car he doesn’t need but loves. A housekeeper. Care. Companionship. Then he gets to enjoy his career/social life/friendships whilst working his way through cash like a lottery winner.
You set out your stall early one and as long as you allow it, it will continue.
Adult relationships do not just run on love alone and this man is taking the piss.
Whilst your parents clearly gave you a great start house deposits now are absolutely huge. Please think before you sell your lovely home.
Yes you are a mum but you are also a person in your own right. You will do as you wish but personally I would show this man the door.
He knows what he’s doing, he knows it’s wrong and to be quite frank he doesn’t give a shit.

He does have some questionable habits ie- drinking and gambling. I’m ok being alone as my ex was in the military and I spent many years alone. I’d rather have someone in my life but if it’s not right then I’m willing to be single. I feel like it’s got to the time where I’m at a crossroad in life and I want to know what’s next? he needs to shape up or ship out and these comments have give me the clarity that I’m not unfair in my expectations or that I’m demanding anymore than I should be getting at bare minimum.

Do you actually want to live with this man or do you just feel a duty to house him? I'd ask him to move out and do fun dates if you still have any interest. I think his financial uselessness and assumption that he could just live with me for a pittance would give me the ick. He's like a teenager. Surely £200 doesn't actually cover the 25% council tax discount you'd (I assume) get without him living with you, extra water etc and food?

I cannot believe you have a drug user in your home with your kids. Shame on you.

You’ve given this man £25k over the years you’ve been together. He paid you back, but what was it spent on? Booze, gambling and cocaine.

What kind of mother do you want to be? You don’t buy people’s love. You don’t need to sell your home to give your kids a leg up. You need to have some self respect, be on your own for probably the first time in your life, go to therapy.

He isnt going to shape up though, because people don't in their current relationship. They might go away, re-evaluate things and be different for a new partner but they want do it for their current one or an ex because they just fall into old habits. It's why you should never date an ex unless it was some childhood sweetheart and you've lived separate lives for 30 years or something, proper grown up history can't be undone.

Jesus OP
my son has a lodger who pays 700’a month for a room in a very nice house
and your “partner “ pays 200 inc food
I bet the 200 doesn’t even cover his food / toiletries let alone any loss of council tax discount

I will add that my ex partner still sends me money for my youngest child and my boyfriend has never had a penny of their money.

I should bloody well hope so! What a low bar to set yourself. You have been doing your children out of all the money you’ve spent on him over the years. You would be in a much better financial position without him. People charge their teenage kids more than £200 rent. What an absolute joke.

My daughters 21 and lives there too so I wouldn’t get a discount anymore. She has just started paying me £100 a month as she is only just getting minimum wage after a slow process of qualifying in her job from an apprenticeship wage. I get told that £100 a month is too little but how the hell could I charge her more ever if he only pays £200. I get he provides a car for me to drive but I’d be happy with a run around. I feel like I’m made to feel bad that his money goes on a super car he chose to have!

Fucking hell OP. You told your daughter (who earns NMW) that £100 was too little? When she sees this waster paying £200?

You are not setting yourself up for a good adult relationship with your kids by doing this. They see the unfairness, and will resent it.

Like I said above - this isn't a demonstration of loyalty. If you were loyal, you'd show that loyalty to your kids too.

Re: the car, just stop using it. That way it can't be held over you.

Moving in together shouldn’t make just one party better off financially.

food and utility costs also vary month to month. Why does he get the benefit of a predictable budget when you do not?

Do you know any other employed adults that pay £200 per month which covers mortgage/rent, energy bills, water bills, home insurance, council tax and food bills? People charge their adult children more than this if they are still living at home.

Either charge him a realistic amount to cover half of the bills or ask him to leave.

So is the money your ex-partner sends for your youngest child ringfenced so it is used to pay for stuff that only she uses? If not, if it is put towards your mortgage and bills, he is still benefitting from this.

I take £100 off my daughter because she offered and she said it teaches her the value of money. Unfortunately, my children are more financially responsible than my BF I would take nothing off my daughter if it were down to me it is other members of the family and friends that say this. They do also tell me I am a mug for only taking £200 a month from my BF.

I never really looked at it like that. I suppose I was just always naive to believe that if I was on my own, I would be paying all of these bills on my own anyway, which I know is ridiculous

And how do you feel that your friends and family think you are being taken for a mug by your coke head boyfriend?

Along with everyone else on this thread.

You need a big wake up call so apologies for being blunt, you are paying to have a boyfriend, a purely transactional arrangement with a professional would be more straightforward and at least your adult children wouldn’t have to live with him.

You've put up with it for 6 years 🤯

This partner sounds selfish and useless. Bin him off and look for someone who will care about you not sponge off of you.