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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

LONG TERM BOYFRIEND IS A FINANCIAL CAR CRASH

360 replies

Bobbingalong39 · 13/11/2024 11:10

Boyfriend of six years has no real financial responsibility and is very frivolous with his money and it is starting to make me resent him. I am 40 and have three older children with who I share my house with which I purchased with my ex-husband. My boyfriend moved into my home a few months after my break up and has been living here since. My resentment has come from the fact that I pay the mortgage and all the bills including food and anything that is needed for the house. We always go Dutch on nights out or any activities we do which is what I have always been comfortable with as I am quite independent and don’t expect him to provide for me. He pays a horrendous amount of money for a car every month which amounts to more than my mortgage! That is his only financial responsibility which I urged him at the time not to do! He pays me £200 a month which I have asked for to cover his percentage of utility bills and food shopping, which granted, I asked for. in return I do use his car sometimes as he works full-time and has a works vehicle and never uses it. He has started a new job which he enjoys and sometimes means he has to work away. I have become bitter about this as while away, he earns very good money and blows the majority of this socialising with friends after work. While he’s away, I do not take any money off him so I do feel a little short changed when he is living a care free life despite working hard I know. My concerns now are that I don’t want to get in a position where I am always going to have to budget to pay my mortgage and bills while my boyfriend lives virtually rent free forever and has a comfortable life with no financial responsibility ever. I have told him that I may sell my house in a few years to give my children a deposit each to buy their own homes and that maybe he should get a mortgage and I can come and live with him for £200 a month instead! This obviously didn’t go down well and he thinks I’m being silly thinking about selling my house but I see it as helping my children onto the property ladder, as my parents did for me when I purchased my house with my ex-husband. I just want to not feel the pressure of looking out for someone all the time, and mothering them. do you think I should tell him that he has to pay half of all bills as if it was his own and that I will save the money for him just to see if he can be financially responsible or not? if I passed tomorrow, my house would be paid off with my life insurance and my children would sell the house and inherit the money and then he would be without a home. I think that he thinks if anything happened to me then the children would let him live there for the rest of his days, but unfortunately that wouldn’t be the case.

OP posts:
Bobbingalong39 · 13/11/2024 14:11

Drugs aren’t the problem, that isn’t what I said in my post

OP posts:
jolota · 13/11/2024 14:14

Why do you keep making excuses for him?
You said yourself you don't want to be his mother...!
I don't think having a bit of fun sometimes sounds worth being with this freeloader who's making you question whether you are being reasonable!?
This guy doesn't love you. He's taking advantage of you and will continue to do so until you respect yourself and get rid of him.
You've still got time to find a decent guy to spend your life with. Or do you want to waste another 6 years on this loser who doesn't respect you?

TarantinoIsAMisogynist · 13/11/2024 14:16

Honestly OP, I think that your thread title is the wrong way round. You are a car crash. You may have your finances sorted, but you moved a spendthrift drinker / gambler into your kids' home a few weeks/mths after getting divorced.

You pretty much pay him to live there (in that what he gives you does not cover his costs), and you even voluntarily reduced the pittance you asked him to give you on the basis that he lets you use his car occasionally. And your life plan involves making yourself homeless in the near future and fully throwing your lot in with this man financially.

How well did you even know him before he moved in? And whose suggestion was it? Were your kids impressed when he moved in? They were obviously old enough to have an opinion.

TarantinoIsAMisogynist · 13/11/2024 14:17

Bobbingalong39 · 13/11/2024 14:11

Drugs aren’t the problem, that isn’t what I said in my post

No, just the drinking and gambling.

That's alright then.

Oldandcobwebby · 13/11/2024 14:26

Bloody hell! If only I'd known there were women out there daft enough to put up with this sort of crap, I'd have been living the high life! For heaven's sake, wake up and ditch this freeloading tosser.

Bobbingalong39 · 13/11/2024 14:26

To be honest, it hurts me to say that my eldest child was not happy with the decision and moved out. Since then she has come back and things have been okay between them my other children get on okay with him. I was the foolish one to move him in after such little time. My head is all over the place at the minute with all these scenarios rushing around my mind. Maybe selling my house is not the best idea but I felt conflicted that if I made the suggestion for him to rent or get a mortgage of his own then he took it as me kicking him out. So by saying that we could get a small place together from some of the collateral from my family home would show him that I just want us to be equals. But if that’s not possible then I’m not going to feel bad about asking him for £200 a week from now on and obviously if he doesn’t like it, he can move out. I think that’s only fair.

OP posts:
CantGetDecentNickname · 13/11/2024 14:27

Bobbingalong39 · 13/11/2024 13:10

He does have some questionable habits ie- drinking and gambling. I’m ok being alone as my ex was in the military and I spent many years alone. I’d rather have someone in my life but if it’s not right then I’m willing to be single. I feel like it’s got to the time where I’m at a crossroad in life and I want to know what’s next? he needs to shape up or ship out and these comments have give me the clarity that I’m not unfair in my expectations or that I’m demanding anymore than I should be getting at bare minimum.

Edited

You say he "needs to shape up of ship out" but it's been 6 years and you've tried and mentioned it long with your ideas and he's ignored you (or pretends not to understand) so you know this isn't going to happen.

Please give him two weeks notice. Get him gone before Christmas and have a nice time with your DC. You can still date him and have a relationship with him if you want but please don't spend more on him (for example for Christmas) than he would spend on you. Don't ever even consider entering into any financial agreements with him. Don't agree to marry him as if he asks you now after 6 years of not asking, then you'll know that he's only asking in order to benefit himself financially.

He doesn't have any right to stay so you don't need to ask him to leave, you can just tell him to go. You can tell him any excuse you want to get him gone. You could be needing your own space, or it's just not working for you, or you're going to get a lodger for £'s much more than he is paying as you need help towards the bills etc.

Might be an idea to do the maths. How much of the food shopping and toiletries do you spend on him? How much do your heating, electricity and water bills go up with one extra person? How much rent would you get if you had a spare room that you rented in your area? That's all money that could go to your DC.

Lastly, I'm not sure why you wish to sell up and think there could be better ways to help your DC. You could just gift the house to your children when you've finished paying the mortgage. As long as you live for 7 years afterwards and live elsewhere they shouldn't have to pay inheritance tax. Suggest taking proper legal advice for this.

ISeriouslyDoubtIt · 13/11/2024 14:27

How does this total loser enhance your life OP? One can only assume it's simply because he's the possessor of a penis, because from the outside he appears to bring nothing beneficial to your life, in fact he impacts it negatively. Get some self esteem and get rid of him. You'll be far better alone than being used by this waste of space.

Bobbingalong39 · 13/11/2024 14:28

No it’s definitely not ok. It’s a big concern as that is why he is so financially unstable in the first place.

OP posts:
ttcat37 · 13/11/2024 14:29

Bobbingalong39 · 13/11/2024 13:45

I take £100 off my daughter because she offered and she said it teaches her the value of money. Unfortunately, my children are more financially responsible than my BF I would take nothing off my daughter if it were down to me it is other members of the family and friends that say this. They do also tell me I am a mug for only taking £200 a month from my BF.

Have you been putting away that £100 per month from your daughter, to save for her? You know, like you said you were going to do for your boyfriend in your original post?

BlastedPimples · 13/11/2024 14:31

Wow. You chose your boyfriend moving in over your eldest child? So she moved out? Did I read that right?

Sorry op, but I think you've made a massive error.

Cleanedoutnow · 13/11/2024 14:31

lesser walleted cock lodger
😂😂😂😂

BleachedJumper · 13/11/2024 14:32

Why are you so helpless in your own life?

Tell him to move out.

I don’t believe for a minute that the man who 10 months ago was drinking daily, smoking weed and taking cocaine is now clean. Especially considering he works away a lot, so he probably just doesn’t do it under your nose so much.

How much money does he currently owe you op?

Bobbingalong39 · 13/11/2024 14:35

Yes I am putting it away for her for that very reason, that I feel guilty taking it off her when he’s paying so little.

OP posts:
MostlyHappyMummy · 13/11/2024 14:36

Is it not possible for you to have a relationship with him living elsewhere? Or is he only in a relationship with you so he has somewhere free to live? Or are you not able to live without a man?
It's difficult to understand what the issue is since if you minded him living without contributing you would have asked him to leave years ago but haven't done that. So maybe you're happy to pay for him so he'll stay?
I may have misread but seems like the usual situation of a woman putting a man before her kids and her financial security.

TarantinoIsAMisogynist · 13/11/2024 14:37

BleachedJumper · 13/11/2024 14:32

Why are you so helpless in your own life?

Tell him to move out.

I don’t believe for a minute that the man who 10 months ago was drinking daily, smoking weed and taking cocaine is now clean. Especially considering he works away a lot, so he probably just doesn’t do it under your nose so much.

How much money does he currently owe you op?

Is this info from a different thread?

Bobbingalong39 · 13/11/2024 14:38

I’m confused where the weed and cocaine comment has come from?

OP posts:
TwistedWonder · 13/11/2024 14:39

Bobbingalong39 · 13/11/2024 14:38

I’m confused where the weed and cocaine comment has come from?

From the OP of your previous thread

TarantinoIsAMisogynist · 13/11/2024 14:41

BlastedPimples · 13/11/2024 14:31

Wow. You chose your boyfriend moving in over your eldest child? So she moved out? Did I read that right?

Sorry op, but I think you've made a massive error.

Yep. It's a depressing story, isn't it?

OP - if your child moving out wasn't enough of a wake-up call, I'm not sure what good you think posting on here is going to do.

Hoppinggreen · 13/11/2024 14:42

Jeez OP
We were all telling you to kick him out before we knew about the other stuff

TarantinoIsAMisogynist · 13/11/2024 14:44

OP - I strongly advise you to seek therapy. Urgently. You need to work out why the hell you put up with this and address it.

What was your parent's relationship like? I'm guessing you might have grown up in an environment where women were only seen as worthwhile if they could keep a man in their life. Any man, no matter how worthless or abusive.

Or maybe it was just an abusive environment that eroded your self esteem and boundaries to the point that you will accept any treatment as long it comes with some scraps of affection to cling to.

Whatever the reason for your insanely low standards - you have a lot of work to do.

twomanyfrogsinabox · 13/11/2024 14:47

He has to pay something like the going rate for rent plus share of bills. I would say it's about time, he's not just a visitor that gives you a few bob for letting them stay a few weeks. Decide on a fair rent, have a look at what rents are locally or as a lodger. Sit down and discuss all the bills and how much he should pay towards them bearing in mind there are four of you and one of him, knock off a bit for using his car sometimes.

Bobbingalong39 · 13/11/2024 14:49

Yes I understand this was from my other post last year. This was a problem last year which I pray to god is not one now. My children no nothing about his past with drugs and never will. He lost his mum and went in a bad place for a while but without making excuses for him has come along way to quit smoking weed and taking cocaine. He takes regular drug tests which he’s happy to do. This is the only reason he is still here tbh

OP posts:
BlastedPimples · 13/11/2024 14:51

Bin him.

I beg your relationships with your dcs will improved 100 fold.

Stop putting your love life first with this awful man.

Stop being such a sucker.