LONG TERM BOYFRIEND IS A FINANCIAL CAR CRASH

[Bobbingalong39]

Boyfriend of six years has no real financial responsibility and is very frivolous with his money and it is starting to make me resent him. I am 40 and have three older children with who I share my house with which I purchased with my ex-husband. My boyfriend moved into my home a few months after my break up and has been living here since. My resentment has come from the fact that I pay the mortgage and all the bills including food and anything that is needed for the house. We always go Dutch on nights out or any activities we do which is what I have always been comfortable with as I am quite independent and don’t expect him to provide for me. He pays a horrendous amount of money for a car every month which amounts to more than my mortgage! That is his only financial responsibility which I urged him at the time not to do! He pays me £200 a month which I have asked for to cover his percentage of utility bills and food shopping, which granted, I asked for. in return I do use his car sometimes as he works full-time and has a works vehicle and never uses it. He has started a new job which he enjoys and sometimes means he has to work away. I have become bitter about this as while away, he earns very good money and blows the majority of this socialising with friends after work. While he’s away, I do not take any money off him so I do feel a little short changed when he is living a care free life despite working hard I know. My concerns now are that I don’t want to get in a position where I am always going to have to budget to pay my mortgage and bills while my boyfriend lives virtually rent free forever and has a comfortable life with no financial responsibility ever. I have told him that I may sell my house in a few years to give my children a deposit each to buy their own homes and that maybe he should get a mortgage and I can come and live with him for £200 a month instead! This obviously didn’t go down well and he thinks I’m being silly thinking about selling my house but I see it as helping my children onto the property ladder, as my parents did for me when I purchased my house with my ex-husband. I just want to not feel the pressure of looking out for someone all the time, and mothering them. do you think I should tell him that he has to pay half of all bills as if it was his own and that I will save the money for him just to see if he can be financially responsible or not? if I passed tomorrow, my house would be paid off with my life insurance and my children would sell the house and inherit the money and then he would be without a home. I think that he thinks if anything happened to me then the children would let him live there for the rest of his days, but unfortunately that wouldn’t be the case.

I bet not beg.

OP you are rightly proud of your financial independence (though that’s not the same as having any financial good sense) but you have zero emotional independence.

You need to rip the plaster off. He won’t want to be equal partners on a new place together. He wants half your house, and for everything to be done for him.

She was at an age where she didn’t want me to meet anyone else. She is older now and does understand better but at the time I hold my hands up that I didn’t put her first.

If he’s drinking and gambling he’s not sober.
I read your other thread with my head in my hands.
Having lost both of my parents, and I physically cared for both, I was devastated twice over but not once did I pick up a drug. Or even a drink.
I am no expert but I think you’ve moved this man in to avoid getting over your marriage ending. And the thought of throwing him out means you’d have to confront loss straight on. Which you would.
This man wouldn’t be homeless. What he spends on his car would be enough to fund rent on a home, at the very least. Let him learn.
You clearly are bringing up your children with some sense but they must be aware that you are being badly treated here.
You may not be a victim of DV, technically, but your better nature is being taken advantage of.
This man has had 6 years of your life and £25,000 of your money. He is never going to change, ever.
There is no point in trying to reason with him OP.
The only thing to do here to make your life better is to show him the door.

@Bobbingalong39 im struggling to see why you are with this man. It feels like you’ve become a passenger in your own life and you’re just going along with everything. Perhaps this is because of the trauma you experienced when your ex left and you didn’t ever take the time to grieve the relationship and process everything, just had a new man move in 7 weeks later. It’s like he moved in and you feel that because you made that decision 6 years ago you can’t change your mind now due to some sense of misplaced loyalty. That’s not how life works, you have to stand up for yourself and prioritise what you need.

As others have said it seems likely that the drug taking is still an issue given the amount of money he appears to spend each month (unless he’s picked up a new habit like gambling or escorts). He sounds like a man-child, other than a bit of DIY and letting you use his car it sounds like you do everything else. The amount he contributes financially is pitiful and definitely should have increased in recent months/years due to COL. His choice to have such an expensive car is his problem, if you had him contributing sufficiently you could easily buy your own. Although id potentially ask him to move out for a bit so you can reassess the relationship and he can get a dose of reality.

Getting financially tied to him is a big mistake, do not add him to your mortgage or buy a property together (or marry him).

I do wonder if you had a bit of space from him you would realise that it’s more habit than love, that he’s not adding anything significant to your life and you only have him there because you feel obligated.

@Bobbingalong39 I sincerely hope you have already made a watertight will in favour of your dc, and that over the years you have kept proof that he has not been contributing financially towards the property in any way.

Men like him never end up homeless. They always find another sap girlfriend to put them up. And failing that, they run back home to their mothers.

You didn't put yourself first either. You put him first.

Where was he living before?
Whose suggestion was it that he move in?

So you completely ignored every comment on your previous thread and carried on being scrounged off of by a pissed up druggy gambler and you call yourself an independent woman.

Honestly we’re all wasting our time. Carry on with your bar lower than a snakes belly just to have a man in your bed. Obviously having any old skanky fuckwit cocklodger under your roof is more important to you than your kids so there’s nothing anyone can do or say.

The shit women on MN tolerate will never cease to astound me.

What do you want to happen, OP? Do you love him and want to be with him? Is the relationship otherwise really rewarding for you?

Please do not do this, what happens if he continues to a financial wreck, you will have thrown away your financial stability for him?

Tell him he has to start paying hai fair share, no he doesn't pay towards mortgage but he definitely has to pay some rent and he will still be better off than renting his own place. And he must pay his share of the other bills if not he has to move out, simple.

YANBU for wanting him to pay his share, but YABU for going along with this for 6 years.

Yes this. What do you want from it?

You say you have fun times together sometimes.
But the rest is a mess from my point of view.
I suggest asking him to make plans to move out and live independently but carry on dating and being BF/GF.

Then you just get to have the fun times and you can also see the man he really is. If he genuinely loves you for you he will agree.

Stop being live in partners with you bearing the 99% of the load.

OP, it sounds like you wanted to show your ex-husband, his new woman, and everyone that knew he’d left you that you could also find someone else.

Unfortunately, everyone including your ex can see what the someone else you could get is like. Nobody will have a shred of envy or regret. There’s no gentle way to say this - they’ll find it pathetic.

At the time of my previous post I was ready to throw in the towel but he did owe me a lot of money and I couldn’t afford to throw him out and risk not getting that back. After his mums passing he gave me every penny back from his inheritance so as it stands he doesn’t owe me a penny. My children are my first priority, and despite my bf being in our life, I do put them first. I never subsidised his “habit” and that is why we separated for a while. I hope when he’s home in a few days and I put all this to him, he will agree and we can look forward because he is a nice guy but needs to grow up and take responsibility. I am a forgiving person but I’m not completely behind the door hence why I make him do drug tests as I’ve told him that the trust has been broken and he must earn it back.

You actually have four 'older children', don't you?

Of course your adult child should pay keep. That is the decent responsible thing to do and is a realistic part of life.
As for your dodgy DP, he should pay a fair share of household expenses, help out around the home and pay rent. This could be below market value but shouldn't be so low as to take advantage of you. If he had any honour he would do that without being told. What would he have to pay to rent a place locally? He's certainly got a cushy number living with you!
If you don't actually need the financial contributions then you can choose to save it up or give it to charity but it's a principle. Adults need to pay their way.

I kindly suggest you get some counselling for yourself so you can unravel yourself why you tolerate this behaviour.
I agree with a PP that he was able to embed himself in your life as you didn't deal with the awful feelings of rejection and pain from your divorce . I speak from experience.
You now have buried fear that if you rock the boat, he will reject you too now.
You can try and change the 'deal' that has been his normal for the past 6 years and he may agree and nod and cuddle you after the talk, promising to change but he only do that to close you down for another x months.
He is who he is . So sorry as you sound so caring and capable.
Out of interest what are your ages?

The OP says she is 40.

I think there's an enormous amount of cognitive dissonance and fucked-up thinking going on, hence my recommendation of therapy. E.g.:

My children are my first priority, and despite my bf being in our life, I do put them first.

And yet the OP moved this guy in despite it causing her child to move out.

Why are you selling your house to fund house deposits for the children? What madness is this?!

OP, you say you "never subsidised his habit", but you definitely, definitely did.

Maybe not directly - as in giving him cash to spend on drugs - but you are indirectly subsidising everything about his lifestyle. The gambling, the car, the drugs, the drinking.... all of it.

Money that should rightfully have been yours has gone into the pockets of drug dealers. He has had cash to spend that he wouldn't have had if it weren't for the fact that you charge him so little for bills/food.

And I don't even know what to say about the claim that "he is a nice guy"..... He isn't. Nice guys don't rip their partners off. Nice guys don't spend all their money on gambling, drinking and drugs while their partner subsidises them.

I never subsidised his “habit” and that is why we separated for a while.

What? You’re literally subsidising him now. He doesn’t have any more money to give you despite being well paid. What is he spending it on? You think he’s going to take a drug test when he’s being using? He goes away all the time, of course he’s still using. He’s a class A drug addict, a gambler, drinker and has no assets to his name. You have put your children second to prioritise this absolute loser. You must be absolutely desperate not to be single to tolerate all this. Do you worry about being single or what others think about you being single? You’re getting absolutely zero from this relationship so I’m struggling to see why you would put up with it.

Of course you subsidised his habit! He's not contributing properly to the household bills.
You're subsidising his current lifestyle too of cars/gambling and drinking. Same way it's taken money from your kids, you're the one forking out for everything.
You don't seem to want to change things or accept you are being used and need to start to put yourself and your kids first.
A MN thread isn't going to cut it. You need some professional help as it's as plain as the nose on all our faces what kind of man he is.

Oh I missed that. OP you're so young too.
Having children so young I feel you're used to being the carer/ provider / all the things great mums do and he's just slotted himself into your household as another to be looked after (in return for a few fun times).
Time for 'you' to live 'you' as this cocklodger won't ever grow up and become self sufficient like your children.
Is that how you see your future?

Poor children.
So sad. Some children really never have a chance because of the choices their parents making, always putting themselves first.