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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

LONG TERM BOYFRIEND IS A FINANCIAL CAR CRASH

360 replies

Bobbingalong39 · 13/11/2024 11:10

Boyfriend of six years has no real financial responsibility and is very frivolous with his money and it is starting to make me resent him. I am 40 and have three older children with who I share my house with which I purchased with my ex-husband. My boyfriend moved into my home a few months after my break up and has been living here since. My resentment has come from the fact that I pay the mortgage and all the bills including food and anything that is needed for the house. We always go Dutch on nights out or any activities we do which is what I have always been comfortable with as I am quite independent and don’t expect him to provide for me. He pays a horrendous amount of money for a car every month which amounts to more than my mortgage! That is his only financial responsibility which I urged him at the time not to do! He pays me £200 a month which I have asked for to cover his percentage of utility bills and food shopping, which granted, I asked for. in return I do use his car sometimes as he works full-time and has a works vehicle and never uses it. He has started a new job which he enjoys and sometimes means he has to work away. I have become bitter about this as while away, he earns very good money and blows the majority of this socialising with friends after work. While he’s away, I do not take any money off him so I do feel a little short changed when he is living a care free life despite working hard I know. My concerns now are that I don’t want to get in a position where I am always going to have to budget to pay my mortgage and bills while my boyfriend lives virtually rent free forever and has a comfortable life with no financial responsibility ever. I have told him that I may sell my house in a few years to give my children a deposit each to buy their own homes and that maybe he should get a mortgage and I can come and live with him for £200 a month instead! This obviously didn’t go down well and he thinks I’m being silly thinking about selling my house but I see it as helping my children onto the property ladder, as my parents did for me when I purchased my house with my ex-husband. I just want to not feel the pressure of looking out for someone all the time, and mothering them. do you think I should tell him that he has to pay half of all bills as if it was his own and that I will save the money for him just to see if he can be financially responsible or not? if I passed tomorrow, my house would be paid off with my life insurance and my children would sell the house and inherit the money and then he would be without a home. I think that he thinks if anything happened to me then the children would let him live there for the rest of his days, but unfortunately that wouldn’t be the case.

OP posts:
AgreeableDragon · 13/11/2024 11:59

So having read all these replies OP, what's your plan?

PandoraSox · 13/11/2024 11:59

Bobbingalong39 · 13/11/2024 11:48

I have suggested selling my house next year and gifting this to my older children and then suggesting he gets a mortgage and I live with him instead and put the financial owness on him? I have collateral in my name so if it didn’t work out between us, I know I would be financially okay. I just want him to take the reins and see what the shoe is like on the other foot.

Don't. Seriously, get rid of him. You were on the rebound when you let him move in.

Bobbingalong39 · 13/11/2024 12:02

I do love him, but not the way that I’d like to as I feel more like his mother sometimes. I would like to give my children the opportunity that I was given by my parents to own my own home so by selling my house and gifting the money to them and maybe keeping a small percentage behind to put towards a small flat, then I would be happy to get a mortgage with him, but it would have to be 50-50 on everything. I just feel very territorial about my family Home and I’m not willing to put his name to it even though he has suggested it.

OP posts:
BlastedPimples · 13/11/2024 12:03

He's a piss taker.

Please get rid of him before he make any claims on your dcs inheritance. If you care about that of course.

ttcat37 · 13/11/2024 12:03

Bobbingalong39 · 13/11/2024 11:44

I have had people tell me that he shouldn’t be paying towards the mortgage if it isn’t in his name and I understand that which is why I am very lenient with what he pays as to show him that I don’t need his money but my resentment is because he just assumes That I will always be there to take care of everything And he can then live a comfortable life purchasing what he wants and spending whenever he likes because he’ll never have the responsibilities, financially that I have. I would maybe consider putting into a mortgage together. he has suggested coming onto my mortgage next year as it is up for renewal but I don’t want him to do that as I have had my House for nine years now and paid half of it off.

Do NOT put him on the mortgage, fucking hell. You will end up losing half your house! I’m sure he is fully aware of what he is doing!
Make him pay you RENT, and don’t be so wet saying you’re going to save it for him, Jesus. He’s a grown man, you’re not his mother, why would you save it for him? Put it away for your kids or save it for yourself.
Don't you feel slightly repulsed that you’re seeing an overgrown man child? He is taking you for a ride and you’re facilitating it.
Here’s my prediction- you say “actually, I’m going to need half the rent and bills from now on, so that’ll be £750 a month please”. He will say ‘ooooo why are you trying to make money from me, you’re a gold digger’ and try and gaslight you, and if you put your foot down he’ll say ‘lol, no thanks’ and be off. Cock lodger. See him out!

Goody2ShoesAndTheFilthyBeast · 13/11/2024 12:03

He's sponging off you. Don't let him.

BlastedPimples · 13/11/2024 12:04

He won't go 50/50 with you. Why should he? He's got away with so much for so long.

Expect an almighty tantrum from him when he realises his plans for your property and finances don't match your plans.

Attelina · 13/11/2024 12:07

He might not realise it now but he is a loser and if you split up which I hope you do then he is going to have start worrying about money.

Living in the present is fine when you are very young but as you get older you must lay the foundations for a secure future.

ATastingMenuButItsAllCrisps · 13/11/2024 12:13

This is so cringey OP.
Never humiliate yourself for a bloke.

Bobbingalong39 · 13/11/2024 12:15

He has a vehicle paid for by work so he doesn’t need a car but is reluctant to get rid of it as he feels he will lose a lot of money by not paying the finance and balloon payment and selling private. I have told him to not think about what he has lost so far in payments but what he will save over the next three years! Don’t get me wrong this man does love me, but he is very delusional when it comes to priorities in life. His problem is if he has it he would give it, But he never has it to give! as his lifestyle eats into all of his budget every week. We have the same disagreement every week where I say to him if he didn’t have me how the hell would he run a home and pay bills? He tells me he would just do it! I do have to take some responsibility for the fact that I have always been independent and not let him pay for holidays or nights out for me. Problem is i’ve made a rod for my own back and paved the way for him to live his life as he does.

OP posts:
AlertCat · 13/11/2024 12:17

Bobbingalong39 · 13/11/2024 12:02

I do love him, but not the way that I’d like to as I feel more like his mother sometimes. I would like to give my children the opportunity that I was given by my parents to own my own home so by selling my house and gifting the money to them and maybe keeping a small percentage behind to put towards a small flat, then I would be happy to get a mortgage with him, but it would have to be 50-50 on everything. I just feel very territorial about my family Home and I’m not willing to put his name to it even though he has suggested it.

Keep your current home just yours. Do not put his name on it and don’t marry him!! I’d reiterate my advice to take legal and financial advice.

Stick to your guns- if he wants a property he’ll take you up on the offer, if he wants a free life he won’t like your plan at all.

But in all honesty I wouldn’t hurry to do this. Your story makes me uneasy and I wonder if you’re suppressing more gut instincts than you realise?

Bobbingalong39 · 13/11/2024 12:22

He said we could have it drawn up that everything up to this point would be mine and if he paid half from this day forward then he would have some security. My problem is I don’t believe he has the ability to budget and save to be able to pay his way as he is always lending from me which he does pay back always but bad habits die hard and he has too many of them. I am going to suggest he hands the car back despite the loss and starts paying a lot more rent to me. But I am categorically not putting his name on the mortgage still! That is my children’s legacy and as much as I know I am a mug. I will never budge on this. If he doesn’t like this, then he can go and rent his own place or get a mortgage.

OP posts:
AltitudeCheck · 13/11/2024 12:23

You're a fool! He's taking the piss.

What is the going rate for rent / a lodger where you live? Plus food (and a cleaner and a cook!!).... He'd be paying full rent and bills even while he's away with work if he was living anywhere else and he'd be doing his own life admin and adulting!!

Work out what he should have been paying... how much of your kids inheritance he has already spent on flash cars/ booze??

Do not put him on your mortgage or give him any claim to your property (such as paying towards home improvements etc). I'd be seriously reconsidering the relationship, he's crap with money / planning for the future if he's had 6 years of freeloading and has pissed all his disposable income away. You can see exactly what kind of partner he'd be.

StrugglingAlways · 13/11/2024 12:27

This is soooooo unattractive - how can you shag that immature manchild? ICK

He has taken the piss for 6 years. He will not change - dont entangle yourself with him further. You dont share the same values not just around money but also around partnership.

Piggled · 13/11/2024 12:28

If you don’t dump this loser I would strongly urge you to get a cohabitation agreement drawn up so he doesn’t try to make a claim on your home later down the line. If he is living there he can argue he has a beneficial interest in it.

TarantinoIsAMisogynist · 13/11/2024 12:30

Badburyrings · 13/11/2024 11:18

I think you’ve found yourself a lesser walleted cock lodger there. He pays half of everything or leaves imho. Once he finds out how much rental and bills cost I guess his financial frivolity will stop.

Yep. This man is not long term relationship material. He never was and never will be.

Bobbingalong39 · 13/11/2024 12:31

I will add that my ex partner still sends me money for my youngest child and my boyfriend has never had a penny of their money. I have got him out of a lot of financial scrapes over the years but have had every penny back. He has helped me with home improvements over the years but in the last two years has been too busy to help out anymore as he is working away to earn more money he says but never comes back with any as he spends it all anyway. I then feel resentful that the jobs in my house, that he lives in, can’t be done because he is too busy earning money for himself to spend.

OP posts:
Nothavingfunrightnow · 13/11/2024 12:31

"The lesser walleted cocklodger"...🤣🤣🤣 PP wins the Internet today!

Get rid of the fucker. Look after yourself and your children. No discussion, no negotiation, no bargaining. Just get rid. It will NOT get any better.

TarantinoIsAMisogynist · 13/11/2024 12:33

The fact is, even if he now starts paying his way, how could you possibly be happy to live with someone who was prepared to rip you off for 6 years?

He doesn't love or respect you - people don't rip off the people they love and respect.

Piggled · 13/11/2024 12:35

Don’t accept money towards the house without getting a Cohab contract in place…

TarantinoIsAMisogynist · 13/11/2024 12:36

Bobbingalong39 · 13/11/2024 12:31

I will add that my ex partner still sends me money for my youngest child and my boyfriend has never had a penny of their money. I have got him out of a lot of financial scrapes over the years but have had every penny back. He has helped me with home improvements over the years but in the last two years has been too busy to help out anymore as he is working away to earn more money he says but never comes back with any as he spends it all anyway. I then feel resentful that the jobs in my house, that he lives in, can’t be done because he is too busy earning money for himself to spend.

You say that this hasn't disadvantaged your kids, but it obviously has.

Add up what he would have paid if he'd been paying his fair share of bills from the start. That money could be sat in your savings account right now, accumulating interest to be given to your kids when they are older. Or if it hadn't been saved, it could have been spent on holidays for you all to enjoy. But instead he's pissed it up the wall.

TwistedWonder · 13/11/2024 12:36

Don’t get me wrong this man does love me,

Does he? Or does he love what you provide?

Sorry but no decent partner who has one iota of respect would continually freeload like he has.

Stop making excuses and wake up to the reality that you’re being taken for a mug.

What's your view on the unanimous opinion that he’s a cocklodger?

CitizenofMoronia · 13/11/2024 12:41

Bobbingalong39 · 13/11/2024 11:48

I have suggested selling my house next year and gifting this to my older children and then suggesting he gets a mortgage and I live with him instead and put the financial owness on him? I have collateral in my name so if it didn’t work out between us, I know I would be financially okay. I just want him to take the reins and see what the shoe is like on the other foot.

Do NOT let him come in on the mortgage, if the relationship breaks down he will claim half the house, if you go first he will have the whole house.

Fupoffyagrasshole · 13/11/2024 12:42

You need to be on your own for a bit I think ! Even with all your answers you still talk about staying with him and wanting him to “take the reins” for a bit!

can you not be single / not have a man in your life?

things would be way easier with him gone your expenses would go down and you’d have your own house ! You could always downsize and give the kids some money and be independent.

MaMaMalenka · 13/11/2024 12:43

Sorry, the financial car crash is actually you - you are not "loyal", you are totally irresponsible and with no thought of your children - supporting a lazy parasite instead of having their back & interests at heart.. Start by living separately, see how it goes from there.