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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

LONG TERM BOYFRIEND IS A FINANCIAL CAR CRASH

360 replies

Bobbingalong39 · 13/11/2024 11:10

Boyfriend of six years has no real financial responsibility and is very frivolous with his money and it is starting to make me resent him. I am 40 and have three older children with who I share my house with which I purchased with my ex-husband. My boyfriend moved into my home a few months after my break up and has been living here since. My resentment has come from the fact that I pay the mortgage and all the bills including food and anything that is needed for the house. We always go Dutch on nights out or any activities we do which is what I have always been comfortable with as I am quite independent and don’t expect him to provide for me. He pays a horrendous amount of money for a car every month which amounts to more than my mortgage! That is his only financial responsibility which I urged him at the time not to do! He pays me £200 a month which I have asked for to cover his percentage of utility bills and food shopping, which granted, I asked for. in return I do use his car sometimes as he works full-time and has a works vehicle and never uses it. He has started a new job which he enjoys and sometimes means he has to work away. I have become bitter about this as while away, he earns very good money and blows the majority of this socialising with friends after work. While he’s away, I do not take any money off him so I do feel a little short changed when he is living a care free life despite working hard I know. My concerns now are that I don’t want to get in a position where I am always going to have to budget to pay my mortgage and bills while my boyfriend lives virtually rent free forever and has a comfortable life with no financial responsibility ever. I have told him that I may sell my house in a few years to give my children a deposit each to buy their own homes and that maybe he should get a mortgage and I can come and live with him for £200 a month instead! This obviously didn’t go down well and he thinks I’m being silly thinking about selling my house but I see it as helping my children onto the property ladder, as my parents did for me when I purchased my house with my ex-husband. I just want to not feel the pressure of looking out for someone all the time, and mothering them. do you think I should tell him that he has to pay half of all bills as if it was his own and that I will save the money for him just to see if he can be financially responsible or not? if I passed tomorrow, my house would be paid off with my life insurance and my children would sell the house and inherit the money and then he would be without a home. I think that he thinks if anything happened to me then the children would let him live there for the rest of his days, but unfortunately that wouldn’t be the case.

OP posts:
Gettingbysomehow · 13/11/2024 12:43

Get rid of this ridiculous fuckwit.
He is a cocklodger par excellence.

Kool4katz · 13/11/2024 12:44

You’re not really listening to anyone on here are you?

OP, it’s easy to find any man to love you when you’re offering them the opportunity to live life like a carefree bachelor. This man has consistently shown you for the last 6 years he’s not long term partnership material. What’s he like when you need his support, when you’re ill for instance? Does he prioritise you and look after you?

Debtfreegoals · 13/11/2024 12:45

Not really a partner is it. More like a lodger

TarantinoIsAMisogynist · 13/11/2024 12:46

If/when you turf out this loser, I recommend spending some time alone, and doing some work (maybe therapy) to explore why you were so willing to accept this arrangement for so long.

You are a sorted, financially independent woman. You own your own home and provide for your children. You didn't need this man, or any man, so what made you set your bar so low? This is something you'll need to work out and address, so it doesn't happen again.

Tina159 · 13/11/2024 12:47

You'd charge one of your own kids more than £50 a week if they were working adults surely? Why on earth would he think he could live somewhere for £200 a month including all bills and food? Spending £1000 a month on a car for years on end is ridiculous, maybe it's time to see that this bloke really ain't great and move him back out to learn to stand on his own two feet.

TarantinoIsAMisogynist · 13/11/2024 12:47

Debtfreegoals · 13/11/2024 12:45

Not really a partner is it. More like a lodger

Lodgers usually pay.

Except cocklodgers, that is.

cherrysonata · 13/11/2024 12:49

Sorry OP but you're being a complete mug.

Bobbingalong39 · 13/11/2024 12:49

I have in fact called him this, or words to that effect, in some heated arguments lately, so he’s fully aware how I feel but do wonder if he lacks mental capacity sometimes as it’s like water off a ducks back!

OP posts:
TwistedWonder · 13/11/2024 12:49

Just rereading and this scrounger moved into your family home 2 months after your marriage ended- wtf? So you didn’t even know this bloke when you moved him under your kids roof?

And from day one he’s freeloaded off of you and yet you see this as showing your independence?

He has absolutely taken you for a mug from the start and yet you continue to facilitate his cocklodging. Rather than taking on board the unanimous opinions you asked for, you’re rolling out excuse after excuse for him.

Until you wake up and see the million red flags, there’s no point asking for advice as you obviously don’t want to take it on board.

TarantinoIsAMisogynist · 13/11/2024 12:50

Bobbingalong39 · 13/11/2024 12:49

I have in fact called him this, or words to that effect, in some heated arguments lately, so he’s fully aware how I feel but do wonder if he lacks mental capacity sometimes as it’s like water off a ducks back!

So chuck him out.

Be real here - what is it that stops you chucking him out?

Love?
Guilt? Do you feel obligated towards him?
"Loyalty"? (Whatever the fuck that means)

He clearly doesn't love you, or he wouldnt rip you off. He clearly doesn't feel any guilt about ripping you off. And his only loyalty is to himself.

TarantinoIsAMisogynist · 13/11/2024 12:52

this scrounger moved into your family home 2 months after your marriage ended- wtf? So you didn’t even know this bloke when you moved him under your kids roof?

It's horrific, isn't it?

pinkyredrose · 13/11/2024 12:53

Bobbingalong39 · 13/11/2024 11:39

I know 4 months after my breakup moving him in was definitely not the right thing to do, after 7 weeks together! And if I’m honest I regretted it quite soon after, but I’m too loyal for my own good. I was broken and jumped in feet first to fill the void in my life at the time.

Why the hell did you do that!!?? Did he persuade you?

Time for him to leave.

DreamyRedNewt · 13/11/2024 12:54

I wouldn't be paying rent to a partner if the mortgage was only on his name to be honest, but I think it is only fair to contribute at least half towards the bills/food shopping, he also should be more generous and pay more for meals out/activities with you instead of going Dutch, to even things out a bit. I think it is outrageous that you always go Dutch in this scenario. I wouldn't agree to pay rent but I would be generous with other things.

TarantinoIsAMisogynist · 13/11/2024 12:54

You're not "loyal", OP.

If you were, you'd be loyal to yourself and your kids too.

What you are is someone with extremely weak boundaries.

Bobbingalong39 · 13/11/2024 12:57

I absolute take it on board and am grateful for the opinions. I know the error of my ways and I’m trying to fix it to give our relationship a chance to work as we do have common interests and have fun together. I know he’s never stepped up to the plate, but my concerns were whether he can/will change. I ultimately wanted advice as to whether him paying half the bills is wrong of me to ask as the house is in my name but judging from the comments I will stop feeling bad about this now and tell him how it has to change from now on. I would be absolutely fine on my own so he’s got more to lose than me.

OP posts:
Daleksatemyshed · 13/11/2024 12:58

Let me be very honest @Bobbingalong39 for your own good. He doesn't think his contribution is fair nor does he see you as kind and loyal. He knows full well he's living off you and he has no shame, why would he, he gets to do what he likes with all his money. Please chuck him out, you're teaching your DC a terrible lesson, any girls that it's fine to let a man get away with murder and boys that it's OK to leech off a woman

Singleandproud · 13/11/2024 13:00

He works away and doesn't bring any money back? I reckon he has a second family or a gambling habit.

Do you actually love this man and does he bring you joy and is a positive influence your life? Or, do you just not want to be alone and he fills a void?

pinkyredrose · 13/11/2024 13:00

Bobbingalong39 · 13/11/2024 12:49

I have in fact called him this, or words to that effect, in some heated arguments lately, so he’s fully aware how I feel but do wonder if he lacks mental capacity sometimes as it’s like water off a ducks back!

Oh please stop making excuses for this parasite!

Bobbingalong39 · 13/11/2024 13:01

I asked him to move in but I 100% know it wasn’t the right thing to do. Grief does funny things to you!

OP posts:
pinkyredrose · 13/11/2024 13:01

It's literally unbelievable what some women will put up with to have a man in their life

TarantinoIsAMisogynist · 13/11/2024 13:02

You pay:

  • mortgage (this is fair, you own the house)
  • anything that is needed for the house
  • all the bills & food (minus £200)
  • half of nights out & activities

He pays:

  • £200 a month towards bills/food
  • half of nights out & activities
  • his car lease
  • socialising with friends after work

The mortgage is fair - he shouldn't be paying that as it would give him a claim on your home.

But there is no way he would be able to cover all his own bills/food for £200 (or even close!) if he was living alone. I bet it barely covers the cost of his food, let alone gas / electricity / water / council tax (which you will pay full whack because there are 2 adults living there) / broadband etc.

BleachedJumper · 13/11/2024 13:03

Christ, are you not embarrassed op?

Of course it glides off his back when you talk, he’s on to a good thing and he knows you’re willing to mug yourself off in the process of being able to say you have a man in your life. Has he got a knob made of 18ct gold?!

Just tell him you want him to move out in January (or sooner!). You can still be a couple if you enjoy having someone to go on nights out with and holidays, but I don’t think he’s going to be all that fussed about you when you’ve stopped funding his life.

Be prepared for a marriage proposal shortly, don’t bloody buy it! He’s going to try to make out you are the great love of his life and he wants you to be together forever, blah blah blah…

TarantinoIsAMisogynist · 13/11/2024 13:03

Bobbingalong39 · 13/11/2024 13:01

I asked him to move in but I 100% know it wasn’t the right thing to do. Grief does funny things to you!

Again, what is stopping you from telling him to move out?

HowardTJMoon · 13/11/2024 13:03

Bobbingalong39 · 13/11/2024 12:49

I have in fact called him this, or words to that effect, in some heated arguments lately, so he’s fully aware how I feel but do wonder if he lacks mental capacity sometimes as it’s like water off a ducks back!

It's not that he "lacks mental capacity" or is somehow just not understanding what you're saying to him. I guarantee you that he absolutely understands. What you're not understanding is that, while he understands what you want, HE DOESN'T CARE. Why would he? He knows that he can just carry on like he is and you'll still put food on the table for him, give him a warm bed to sleep in and let him get away with it all over again.

carly2803 · 13/11/2024 13:03

my god you are a mug - get him chucked out and stand on his own 2 feet
enjoy your space and learn boundaries!!!

and for gods sake do not get a mortgage with him!! ever!

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