LONG TERM BOYFRIEND IS A FINANCIAL CAR CRASH

[Bobbingalong39]

Boyfriend of six years has no real financial responsibility and is very frivolous with his money and it is starting to make me resent him. I am 40 and have three older children with who I share my house with which I purchased with my ex-husband. My boyfriend moved into my home a few months after my break up and has been living here since. My resentment has come from the fact that I pay the mortgage and all the bills including food and anything that is needed for the house. We always go Dutch on nights out or any activities we do which is what I have always been comfortable with as I am quite independent and don’t expect him to provide for me. He pays a horrendous amount of money for a car every month which amounts to more than my mortgage! That is his only financial responsibility which I urged him at the time not to do! He pays me £200 a month which I have asked for to cover his percentage of utility bills and food shopping, which granted, I asked for. in return I do use his car sometimes as he works full-time and has a works vehicle and never uses it. He has started a new job which he enjoys and sometimes means he has to work away. I have become bitter about this as while away, he earns very good money and blows the majority of this socialising with friends after work. While he’s away, I do not take any money off him so I do feel a little short changed when he is living a care free life despite working hard I know. My concerns now are that I don’t want to get in a position where I am always going to have to budget to pay my mortgage and bills while my boyfriend lives virtually rent free forever and has a comfortable life with no financial responsibility ever. I have told him that I may sell my house in a few years to give my children a deposit each to buy their own homes and that maybe he should get a mortgage and I can come and live with him for £200 a month instead! This obviously didn’t go down well and he thinks I’m being silly thinking about selling my house but I see it as helping my children onto the property ladder, as my parents did for me when I purchased my house with my ex-husband. I just want to not feel the pressure of looking out for someone all the time, and mothering them. do you think I should tell him that he has to pay half of all bills as if it was his own and that I will save the money for him just to see if he can be financially responsible or not? if I passed tomorrow, my house would be paid off with my life insurance and my children would sell the house and inherit the money and then he would be without a home. I think that he thinks if anything happened to me then the children would let him live there for the rest of his days, but unfortunately that wouldn’t be the case.

This is pretty much what I did and I think £400 is fair. There is 5 of us and 4 of which are adults, albeit my middle child is in full time education for another year, along with the youngest. Their dad still sends me maintenance so I take that into account too. I’m still conflicted about the rent situation as what is fair to charge with it being my mortgage but I do understand he can’t live rent free.

I think asking him to contribute at least 20% is fair and £400 seems reasonable.

I would also start telling him that he needs to be taking you out and treating you to meals etc rather than going 50/50.

Don't take the maintenance into account - it's irrelevant for the purposes of working out what he should contribute.

His share is his share, regardless of what you ex gives you to cover the kids' share.

My mum and dad stay quite neutral tbh. My dad looks at all the financial problems like his car and him not having a private pension (as he’s always been self employed) until now. But they get on well. My mum is a little more outspoken and her love language is definitely acts of service. She sees all the jobs around the house that need doing at it infuriates her he doesn’t prioritise them over working all the time ( obviously I have offered to pay him)

They know he likes a drink but I haven’t told them about his problems with drugs in the past

This is pointless, you're not listening.

Fill your boots, I guess. At least you're keeping this loser off the market.

Why are you only working part time though? And how did you get "extra" left over from the insurance claim? Is he not "officially" living with you for a benefits claim or something?

Neither of you seem overflowing in the integrity or common sense departments....

You say he is poor with finances yet you are planning to sell your house to give the money to your children and take on a mortgage with a complete waste of space. Why on earth would you do that?

So you work part time, he works full time and yet you still support him?

I really do hope some of these posts are ringing alarm bells as to how wrong this is and how daft you’ve been. Please take the words onboard even the cruel to be kind ones.

Pathetic

For gods sake and your kids, grow a backbone and turf the waste of space out.

He has lots of previous examples of being a financial car crash including a CCJ against him. What makes you think he will suddenly stop making bad decisions (cars, spending all his money on drink and drugs etc) because you will charge him an extra £200 a month?

If it could be a “healthy equal relationship” it would be. It’s been unhealthy and unequal for 6 years. Even if he did step up financially, practically, and emotionally, it would be because you’d had to mother him into it. That’s neither healthy nor equal.

I was given a lump sum payment from my insurance and was fortunate enough to have some left over to start my renovation.

I have a well paid job so am fortunate to only have to work part time in my current situation.

And as I’ve repeatedly said in my posts, I’ve listened but just because I don’t want to burn my bf at the stake doesn’t mean I’ve not listened nor that I have no integrity.

He's got you right where he wants you. He's not going to change.

But just make sure he doesn't take your dcs inheritance.

I’m not going to. I have realised that wouldn’t be best for anyone.

Why are you still posting on this thread? What are you hoping to gain? We’ve almost unanimously said the same thing, you’re going to do what you’re going to do, so how else may we be of service?

I don’t think it’s enough. He should be paying 1/3 household bills (since one daughter is an adult), except perhaps house insurance, a good chunk of the food budget and something for rent. That will not give him any claim on your house. It would be good if you could put that in an email (nice and friendly) just to record what he’s paying for (a little bit of rent) and that since it’s your house, you will be paying all for house insurance. I’m amazed you are still getting grief for some posters, but then that’s Mumsnet 🙄 You are making good choices here and if you are happy together other than this, of course you should try to move forward positively together.

FFS, give the woman a bloody break. No one is forcing you to read it or to reply!

£400 plus a third of the food bill.

Prepare a RENTAL AGREEMENT and make him start contributing a fair market rate for a one bedroom apartment. Do not go half on anymore dates, make him pay everything or gtfo. Make him pay the utilities add a decent amount onto his "rental" payment to cover gas, electricity, cable television, internet and water/garbage costs. Make him pay half. Whether he is there or away on travel it doesn't matter. If he were paying rent for an apartment he'd be paying 100% and they don't care if you are there or not - you should have the same policy. Then he buys groceries - I'd make him pay half of that too.

Lady, you set yourself up to be used and this is just sad. Rectify this situation immediately and make him start paying up like a grown man should.

At some point you need to stop "Bobbing Along" and have some agency in your life. It's ok when life is overwhelming and you are just keeping your head above water but it's surviving not thriving. I hope OP proves me wrong but after the last thread, I fear that nothing anyone will say will dissuade OP from her present course. Over 6 yrs he's got marginally less awful. If the fact that her daughter had a problem with him isn't a wake up call, the observations of some random mum's on the Internet will make no impression. OP please prove me wrong. You have had some great suggestions on this thread. Use them

If he's not going to be responsible for himself, what on earth makes you think he will do it for you? Sorry to be harsh but wake the feck up!

@ThatTealViewer Tbh your service is no longer required thankyou! I don’t appreciate your comment, it is of no help to me whatsoever, so with all due respect you are welcome to not read or post if it is upsetting you so much.

I post because I am not ignorant and appreciate the time people have taken out of their lives to give me advice.

I’m not upset, I’m mildly irritated at most. And ignorant doesn’t mean quite what you think it does.

Good luck, though. I’m sure this will end well.

Ignorant has a couple of meanings, depending on where you live - which applies to you?

@Bobbingalong39 Read all your replies and i think you are perhaps proving a point in wrong ways.
You not wanting him to pay for you when you go out, not asking for a fair amount of monthly contributions so as not to come across as you “needing” him will not help you. I say so as i can relate. I did same as you, in terms of “proving a point”,and would do things that should obviously be split but, i wanted to prove a point. You know what, he took advantage and had the mindset of “if i don’t do it, she will”.
It's fine if you want to talk it out with him. Just understand that you do not have to prove anything to anyone. You know you dont need him financially so you have nothing to prove. What i dont think however you or PPs have considered is, you keep saying you dont need him, it’s all be financial. Perhaps you are convincing yourself to try make this work for the fear of being alone. It was the same, again, with me.
I really hope it works out well for you and you get what you deserve - support, amongst other things from him.