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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

LONG TERM BOYFRIEND IS A FINANCIAL CAR CRASH

360 replies

Bobbingalong39 · 13/11/2024 11:10

Boyfriend of six years has no real financial responsibility and is very frivolous with his money and it is starting to make me resent him. I am 40 and have three older children with who I share my house with which I purchased with my ex-husband. My boyfriend moved into my home a few months after my break up and has been living here since. My resentment has come from the fact that I pay the mortgage and all the bills including food and anything that is needed for the house. We always go Dutch on nights out or any activities we do which is what I have always been comfortable with as I am quite independent and don’t expect him to provide for me. He pays a horrendous amount of money for a car every month which amounts to more than my mortgage! That is his only financial responsibility which I urged him at the time not to do! He pays me £200 a month which I have asked for to cover his percentage of utility bills and food shopping, which granted, I asked for. in return I do use his car sometimes as he works full-time and has a works vehicle and never uses it. He has started a new job which he enjoys and sometimes means he has to work away. I have become bitter about this as while away, he earns very good money and blows the majority of this socialising with friends after work. While he’s away, I do not take any money off him so I do feel a little short changed when he is living a care free life despite working hard I know. My concerns now are that I don’t want to get in a position where I am always going to have to budget to pay my mortgage and bills while my boyfriend lives virtually rent free forever and has a comfortable life with no financial responsibility ever. I have told him that I may sell my house in a few years to give my children a deposit each to buy their own homes and that maybe he should get a mortgage and I can come and live with him for £200 a month instead! This obviously didn’t go down well and he thinks I’m being silly thinking about selling my house but I see it as helping my children onto the property ladder, as my parents did for me when I purchased my house with my ex-husband. I just want to not feel the pressure of looking out for someone all the time, and mothering them. do you think I should tell him that he has to pay half of all bills as if it was his own and that I will save the money for him just to see if he can be financially responsible or not? if I passed tomorrow, my house would be paid off with my life insurance and my children would sell the house and inherit the money and then he would be without a home. I think that he thinks if anything happened to me then the children would let him live there for the rest of his days, but unfortunately that wouldn’t be the case.

OP posts:
ThatTealViewer · 15/11/2024 19:51

Discombobble · 15/11/2024 19:40

Ignorant has a couple of meanings, depending on where you live - which applies to you?

None, as far as I’m aware. However, I think you’ll find that OP was talking about herself, not me.

Pipconkermash · 15/11/2024 23:41

This is a bit tragic.

JustWalkingTheDogs · 16/11/2024 06:32

Why would you take the maintenance into consideration? That money is for your dc and nothing to do with a financial arrangement with your dp.

Lotsofsnacks · 16/11/2024 09:09

ThatTealViewer · 15/11/2024 15:39

Why are you still posting on this thread? What are you hoping to gain? We’ve almost unanimously said the same thing, you’re going to do what you’re going to do, so how else may we be of service?

We all know OP will still be with this man in 5 years time, and still being fleeced by him, unfortunately. Sorry but you are enabling him and need to be tougher with him financially.

Discombobble · 16/11/2024 10:25

ThatTealViewer · 15/11/2024 19:51

None, as far as I’m aware. However, I think you’ll find that OP was talking about herself, not me.

And you were happily telling her what she meant!

Crikeyalmighty · 16/11/2024 10:31

The only thing I will say about paying for his car OP is 'it's a choice' it's not compulsory . I think £700 with all bills and food would be nearer the mark - and you split dates/holidays etc

ThatTealViewer · 16/11/2024 11:14

Lotsofsnacks · 16/11/2024 09:09

We all know OP will still be with this man in 5 years time, and still being fleeced by him, unfortunately. Sorry but you are enabling him and need to be tougher with him financially.

Yup. And asking what she should do.

ThatTealViewer · 16/11/2024 11:16

Discombobble · 16/11/2024 10:25

And you were happily telling her what she meant!

This is the second incomprehensible comment you've tagged me in. What are you even talking about?

AmIEnough · 19/11/2024 07:00

Bobbingalong39 · 13/11/2024 11:44

I have had people tell me that he shouldn’t be paying towards the mortgage if it isn’t in his name and I understand that which is why I am very lenient with what he pays as to show him that I don’t need his money but my resentment is because he just assumes That I will always be there to take care of everything And he can then live a comfortable life purchasing what he wants and spending whenever he likes because he’ll never have the responsibilities, financially that I have. I would maybe consider putting into a mortgage together. he has suggested coming onto my mortgage next year as it is up for renewal but I don’t want him to do that as I have had my House for nine years now and paid half of it off.

“he has suggested coming onto my mortgage next year as it is up for renewal “

do not do this! He will effectively be putting in a claim for part of your home that you’ve spent years paying for! He’s a freeloading cock lodger and I can’t believe he feels comfortable with this. You need to get rid. Are your children old enough to express an opinion or do they even know the financial situation? what do your friends think?

Necky1 · 19/11/2024 07:47

ThatTealViewer · 16/11/2024 11:14

Yup. And asking what she should do.

Yea, never fails to amaze me how some women are desperate to hand over part of their childrens home to some user.

Like it proves something about the relationship.

All it proves is that these women are sadly very foolish and have now put themselves and their children in jeopardy.

So sad.

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