DD 19 making me suffer!

[Heartbreakanddamage]

Please, please be gentle because I am honestly at breaking point and cannot go on like this any longer.

NC for this!
Last year myself and my two older DC, then 18 and 20, went through absolute hell, due to my DH gambling and enormous financial implications of that. We were all under enormous pressure, and as you can imagine there was incredible stress and my mental health was in tatters.

DC and I argued a lot and things were awful. I understood it was hard for DD, but she didn’t help at home and just carried on as normal, parties, clubbing and showed no concern, which is what we mainly argued about. I barely saw her or heard from her for six months, despite constantly trying. I continued to pay for a lot of her stuff.

She eventually came round and moved back home, split with bf and was quickly in a new relationship. The thing is she still blames me for the 6 month period, and every time we have a disagreement she throws it all back at me. The slightest argument causes her to leave home for at least a week, refuse to take my calls or messages and totally ignore me. I have to beg and beg for her to return home and apologise over and over. Then it takes weeks for her to agree to spend any time with me and again I have to plead.

This is now in full swing with her having left again over an incident last week. Her bf wanted her to collect him and three friends from a night out in the city, which meant her leaving at 10pm to make the hour’s drive. She had to park in a very dodgy area to wait for them to arrive. Her car is ancient and I was really worried. I told her I was unhappy about it, but she said it was fine.
i called her to check she was ok but no reply. I messaged to tell her to let me know when the boys arrived and she said ok. An hour later I had heard nothing! I messaged her bf on messenger but no reply. Tried calling her many times but nothing. I put a post on his fb asking him to call and still nothing. She eventually called me two hours later furious telling me I’d completely embarrassed her. She’d ignored her phone due to being annoyed.

I have spent the last week literally begging forgiveness. I apologised to her boyfriend, I called and messaged but she is still shutting me out. We had a night out planned on Saturday but she wouldn’t go. I called her today and she messaged “I’m busy” I asked to chat later and got “I’ll be with my bf”

She has also let me down several times lately after we’d made plans, once choosing to go out with friends and not tell me until half an hour before.

I truly think she does not want me in her life and I am absolutely heartbroken. I do not even know how to fix this.

I think at 19 I would expect her to be spending most of her time with her friends and not her parents. I'm afraid you sound quite needy (and I don't mean to be insulting, I have two daughters and am certain they won't see the point of me very soon) which is likely pushing her away. I don't blame you for worrying about the picking up the boyfriend, maybe explain that one message from her would have stopped your escalating panic.

My advice is to back off for now and she will come back to you in time x

I think she's a 19 year old living her life!

You were very OTT sending all those messages and making the calls. I think you need to apologise...

I have apologised over and over. The area where she was collecting him from is very rough and I was genuinely worried. All I had asked for was one message to say the boys were there.

You need to be much less needy. Stop begging for her attention. Get on with your life and be breezy.

I think you were over reacting but I also have a 19yr old DD and if she was that rude/disrespectful to me I wouldn’t let it slide. I have her location on my phone so I can check on her. I have some ground rules for her safety/my reassurance but other than that I leave her to it.

She spends loads of time with friends and bf and I have no problem with that. I had a week off and we had made plans to do a couple of things. I rarely suggest us doing anything and wait for her as I am constantly treading on eggshells around her.

It’s more begging for forgiveness because I cannot stand this silent treatment and refusal to ever discuss anything.

Both her and my DS had life360, we all do, but she told me she doesn’t like me knowing where she is and then added that her boyfriend and friends know where she is but she doesn’t see why I need to know.

OP you have been through a lot with your DH which has left you feeling very vulnerable and low. If you could it would be a good idea to get some counselling.
Your DD is unfair to be throwing anything back at you.
Because you have been through so much your language around your DD is extreme - like heartbroken and begging - and she’s clearly picking up on that.
As a result, she is walking all over you.
Of course as a mum you are concerned for her safety but you are projecting so much on to her.
She will want to spend time with you because she enjoys your company, not because you are begging her. Step away from the silent treatment.
If you keep up you will drive her further away and you both deserve better than that.
It is time to take a step back as well as not letting her use your house as a hotel in terms of coming and going as she pleases. You deserve a bit of consistency there.
For you, it’s time to concentrate on your own health and wellbeing. Friends? Hobbies? It’s good to be around others whose company you enjoy.
When DD sees this, and doesn’t feel responsible for her mum being okay, she will be back.
You have been through an awful lot and it’s no wonder you are sensitive. You are clearly a very loving mum, too.
Give DD a bit of space to reflect upon that. Be firm, be fair and for a while, just be a parent. Look to friends for friendship.
It will all come good in time.

This has given me the ick - you are far too needy. All this begging for forgiveness nonsense. You've pissed her off, leave her alone to cool off.

Thank you so much @PeggyMitchellsCameo I should clarify I don’t use the words ‘begging/heartbroken’ to her.

She does use the house like a hotel. She pops in and out whilst I’m at work and I’ll come home to no milk at least two days a week or no bread. Her dirty dishes left either on the floor or side, stuff thrown on the bathroom floor. She stays at her bf’s five nights a week and on the rare occasion she’s planning to stay home he will message or call and she won’t stay.

On Friday I had an early work meeting and I’d asked her to drop our dog at the vets as she was having a dental. She messaged me the night before telling me she’d drop her af 8.45 am instead of 8am. I had to take her myself and was late for work.

A parents worry never ends - I get that now as a parent, and I know in the future when my child is older I will also have similar concerns. It is absolutely fine to express concern over safety matters and ask for a check in, but the begging is too much and the person who mentioned ‘ick’ got it right.

back off, she is now a young adult. Stop paying for her stuff she wants the responsibility and independence, let her but she can’t have it all her own way. And remember, at that age most of us were selfish, knew just about everything and really didn’t want to hear what our parents thought.

you have gone through a lot, go get some talking therapy (you can self refer) and focus on yourself.

If your family has gone through hell due to your DH's gambling problem it is quite likely that she found that time very difficult.

You imply that she moved out during that period.

How bad did it actually get? It must have been pretty bad for her to move out.

You say that she didn't "help out" during that time - what would you expect a 19 year old to do if their parents are (presumably) having massive rows about finances and there is a very unpleasant atmosphere at home?

It does sound a bit like you want her to play happy families and keep in touch with you and run errands for you but her belief in her family will have taken a hell of a pasting during the difficult period.

Does she actually want to be at home or was significant emotional blackmail applied to get her back?

Stop giving her so much power OP. Stop begging and pleading with her. She knows the score. She's not going to play family at this age. You need to let go.

Tell her you'll be there when she's ready and just leave her alone.

The slightest argument causes her to leave home for at least a week, refuse to take my calls or messages and totally ignore me. I have to beg and beg for her to return home and apologise over and over. Then it takes weeks for her to agree to spend any time with me and again I have to plead.

That isn’t a parent - child relationship. It sounds like a dysfunctional romantic relationship and you sound very needy. Why are you begging your DD to spend time with you? Why are you badgering her with messages?

At her age, if she wants to live at home she needs to clean up after herself. That’s the bare minimum. I’d be telling her that if she wants to live at home and for you to continue paying for things for her she needs to pull her weight.

Why not just let her go with a good grace? She's a young adult, doesn't want to be at home with mum. That is normal.

If you want to keep your children, you have to let them go.

It was rude of your DD not to let you know she was safe, it looks like she was deliberately trying to worry you and cause conflict. I think you need to back right off and let her come around in her own time. You have apologised to her so no need to keep begging, this makes her think she calls all the shots.

It’s time for you to start living your life and doing things for yourself, don’t let your happiness depend on your DDs moods. Don’t keep chasing her up if she leaves home or make plans to spend time with her if she keeps rejecting you. Drop the rope and be very light and breezy (even if you have to act).

Also don’t keep funding her if this is the way she treats you. Explain that you are proud she is an independent adult and part of this is being is financially responsible for herself.

To clarify, by help out I meant wash her clothes, pick them up off the floor and wash her dishes.

When you say ‘expecting her to run errands’ I honestly don’t think it’s unfair to expect three adults living in one house to chip in with a bit of help. She had time to drop the dog off and I didn’t. I virtually never ask her to do anything for me. If she is home she will message for me to get milk, the shop is a one minute walk. Her bedroom is beyond disgusting to the point there is food rotting from three weeks ago. I say nothing because one wrong word from me and off she goes again.

There were no arguments with DH as he had already left. Yes things were very stressful for us as you’d imagine. No blackmail whatsoever. She literally turned one day announcing she was back.

She sounds an absolute delight, not!

Stop pandering to her and treat her the way she currently deserves to be. I wouldn't accept her behaviour and I'd be telling her to buck up her ideas or move on.

Don't do this to yourself. She's got some growing up to do, then she'll be more appreciative of you and she'll come back to you

OP I think a lot of things are getting conflated here. Your DH gambling was likely a difficult time for you, but your children were also victims and needed to be cut slack not expected to do more to help out. She is 19 of course she wants to be with her bf. You have no right to interfere in who she picks up and where, and posting on fb and calling her bf were way out of line - give her space. If you carry on pushing yourself like this she will end up resenting you. The best scenario here is she moves out to gain her independence and you find a more gentle relationship with one another.

You don't need to be treading on eggshells whilst she is living under your roof and you're subsidizing her financially.

She needs a short sharp conversation regarding suitable behaviour or she moves out

You do sound quite needy - shes a fully grown, responsible adult capable of driving into the city to pick up her bf and his mates, she doesn't need you stalking her every move.

It looks like she was deliberately trying to worry you and cause conflict.

Yes @whiteblossoms this is exactly it. She also drives like a maniac and if I’m a passenger she will accelerate when she knows I’m already nervous. She came off the road and almost hit a tree two weeks ago. This was another reason I kept calling her. I couldn’t fit everything in my post and now I’ve come across weird but there were reasons. She gets her friends to video her driving fast and sends them to me. It’s as if she actually enjoys me being worried.

She's treating you like a doormat and you're letting her. Put some rules in place if she comes home when you are out leave things tidy, if she's not coming home let you know. Just common curtesy type things and don't apologise, she should be apologising. When you know she's alone late at night in a dodgy part of the city you have a right to be worried and she's a prat for not letting you know when she has safely met up with her friends.

She had a car crash two weeks ago and almost hit a tree, hit another guy and came off the road. This was also why I was worried. She drives like a maniac so I was worried on two counts.

I can’t have any kind of sharp conversation with her. Anything I question or complain about she turns it into a major drama and mentally I cannot cope with it all.

How long has it been since she had any rules , boundaries or expectations put on her?

Did it start with your DH gambling thing, or was it before?

Are you divorced/separated now?