DD 19 making me suffer!

[Heartbreakanddamage]

Please, please be gentle because I am honestly at breaking point and cannot go on like this any longer.

NC for this!
Last year myself and my two older DC, then 18 and 20, went through absolute hell, due to my DH gambling and enormous financial implications of that. We were all under enormous pressure, and as you can imagine there was incredible stress and my mental health was in tatters.

DC and I argued a lot and things were awful. I understood it was hard for DD, but she didn’t help at home and just carried on as normal, parties, clubbing and showed no concern, which is what we mainly argued about. I barely saw her or heard from her for six months, despite constantly trying. I continued to pay for a lot of her stuff.

She eventually came round and moved back home, split with bf and was quickly in a new relationship. The thing is she still blames me for the 6 month period, and every time we have a disagreement she throws it all back at me. The slightest argument causes her to leave home for at least a week, refuse to take my calls or messages and totally ignore me. I have to beg and beg for her to return home and apologise over and over. Then it takes weeks for her to agree to spend any time with me and again I have to plead.

This is now in full swing with her having left again over an incident last week. Her bf wanted her to collect him and three friends from a night out in the city, which meant her leaving at 10pm to make the hour’s drive. She had to park in a very dodgy area to wait for them to arrive. Her car is ancient and I was really worried. I told her I was unhappy about it, but she said it was fine.
i called her to check she was ok but no reply. I messaged to tell her to let me know when the boys arrived and she said ok. An hour later I had heard nothing! I messaged her bf on messenger but no reply. Tried calling her many times but nothing. I put a post on his fb asking him to call and still nothing. She eventually called me two hours later furious telling me I’d completely embarrassed her. She’d ignored her phone due to being annoyed.

I have spent the last week literally begging forgiveness. I apologised to her boyfriend, I called and messaged but she is still shutting me out. We had a night out planned on Saturday but she wouldn’t go. I called her today and she messaged “I’m busy” I asked to chat later and got “I’ll be with my bf”

She has also let me down several times lately after we’d made plans, once choosing to go out with friends and not tell me until half an hour before.

I truly think she does not want me in her life and I am absolutely heartbroken. I do not even know how to fix this.

I say that as a mother of a twenty year old.

She's set up a cleaning business and leaves your house/her bedroom in a state?
There is in awful lot going on with regards to dh gambling, the driving, the disrespectful way she treats you and your home etc.
I was ready to tell you to back off and stop smothering her but after reading your other posts I still think you should back off but for your own sake-leave madam to make her own mistakes.
I have an 18 year old son at home, he can be messy, his bedroom could be tidier but he generally keeps on top of it. He is working full-time and is kind and respectful of his family and home. If he behaved like your daughter I think I would be telling him to make alternative living arrangements.

I wonder what the dd version of all this is?

If you are smothering someone it won't end well

To be fair the OP is concerned to let her daughter completely free as she is acting in a questionable way and doing reckless things.

1 She is working as a self employed cleaner and not informing HMRC

2 She is driving recklessly and has already hit someone in her car.

3 She is not managing her finances and ensuring that she can cover her bills eg car tax.

4 She’s not doing her share of chores or even just basic clearing up after herself.

5 She is most likely driving uninsured as she is not declaring that she is working as a cleaner and I suspect does not have business insurance on her car.

6 Is she illegally claiming benefits?

Be in no doubt that some of her actions are dam right criminal and frankly as a parent I would be alarmed. Driving fast and getting friends to film it! She will then be discovered to have used her car to service her business eg cleaning products in the boot and her insurance declared void.

As a former lawyer whose job involved convering inquests and death by careless driving cases etc O would read by daughter the riot act and not house her until she got her act together. I certainly would not tolerate ongoing criminal behaviour. Insurance companies have a way of finding stuff out eg we knock on neighbours doors even eg did you see signs she was working etc

She has to properly insure her car. She has to notify HMRC and complete a tax refurn. She has to take out business insurance if she is working as a cleaner.

Also is she not declaring it because she is claiming universal credit? She needs to stop that.

So whilst I would not cling to my daughter and allow her to live her life I would most definitely have a lot to say about the above. I would tell her to sort her act out and have little to do with her until she did. In other words I would not bother running around after her or doing her laundry. She can do it herself. I certainly would not be planning any excursions or trips with her. I would be too annoyed as she could kill someone with her attitude snd the worse thing is the insurance could be declared void ab initio and the grieving family have to deal with the MIB. She is a selfish selfish person.

In the balance is the fact that clearly she has been through a tough time with her dad. For that reason I would provide a home.

Are there other family members eg uncles or aunts who can speak to her and see what’s going on in her head.

I will give a wild guess.

My mother trauma dumps on me all of the time. She needs counselling but instead makes it my problem.

My father is a gambler and has run up huge debts. It’s a nightmare being at home. They haven’t stopped arguing.

My.dm wants to know where I dm all of the time, interferes in everything I do and doesn’t stop calling and messaging. She expects me to keep her company and be her bestie. Every time I try to assert myself she gets upset and plays the mental health card.

I wish I could move out, it’s suffocating living here.

There are plenty of young adults who have gone through significant trauma eg physical or sexual abuse or maybe a parent gambling problem but that does not give any excuse to drive fast and be filmed doing it. She had already had a car accident.

She needs a third party to read her the riot act eg an uncle or aunt. She clearly won’t listen to her mother.

As for the OP I would provide her with a home but nothing more. She can have her dirty room and laundry piliing up - keep the door closed.

is she even contributing to bills as she is working?

This behaviour is abusive and you treading on eggshells is a classic reaction to abuse. You can be mistreated by family members other than your romantic partner. A lot of people don't realise this is also domestic abuse.

Honestly, next time she leaves, let her go and stay gone. She is destroying your mental health.

What happened with your husband is no excuse for her behaviour towards you, you are not a punching bag. If she is struggling with the aftermath, she should get help, not take it out on you. There are many support organisations who can help you deal with this domestic abuse. https://www.victimsupport.org.uk/crime-info/types-crime/domestic-abuse/

If Home life was awful I can see why she didn’t want to be there. Get off her case, if she leaves clothes on the bathroom floor, just put them on her bedroom floor and close the door. Buy milk in bigger units. Ask her to tidy up her dishes.

Your DC shouldn’t be expected to involve them selves in your marriage. Don’t over share.

You have had an awful time, be kind to yourself and calm down.

i would back off hounding her. Her so called friends sound awful, sorry. I can hear how worried you are OP.

She sounds like she’s reacting to the trauma, and you’re taking the worst of it.

can you see a counsellor to help you to feel with the aftermath of this?

@Heartbreakanddamage She's an adult.

Change your locks. Her old room becomes an office or hobby room now. Redecorate it.

If you don't start standing up for yourself, you'll be stuck in this abusive, unhealthy dynamic with her all your days and it will extend to her kids when she has them so you'll be begging to see them and she will gleefully withhold access just because she can and enjoys the begging and attention.

Let her go. Let her live her life and make mistakes and allow her to reach out to you as and when she needs you. Text her 1-2 month asking how she is and what she's been up to and leave it at that. Let her approach you.

You've been through the mill and you're smothering her as a result. All your focus is on this one grown up child and its not healthy for either of you.

She knows what she is doing. She enjoys the drama. Time to nip it in the bud and refocus on yourself and rebuilding your life after DH.

Stop paying her bills as well. She is old enough to do that on her own now.

She is an adult, if you don’t like how she conducts herself in your home you ask her to move out. That is your option, trying to control her behaviour extending to who she sees and when is not helping your relationship at all, as you’ve already made clear.

I have questions:
how much are you still subsidising her?
Is she working full time as a cleaner, or is she claiming benefits or at college?
who owns the car and is responsible for paying the insurance?
what do you do for you?

I do think you should stop paying for her, if she’s rude to you walk away saying please don’t speak to me like that, and beyond that don’t engage in the rudeness.
Make it clear that her driving is irresponsible and the next video she sends you gets forwarded straight to the police with details of her registration.
Ask that out of courtesy if she lives under your roof she keeps her space tidy, refills any groceries she empties and lets you know if she is going to be late and what time you can expect her home. If she doesn’t agree to this it may be time for her to reconsider her living situation

But most importantly start focusing on you, take up a new hobby be less available etc.

If anyone one wonders how emotional abusers are raised, the dynamic between you and your daughter is prime example.
You need to stop pandering to her, begging, being needy and rewarding her for bad behaviour. Start setting boundaries. You can reassure her that you love her and are always there for her but there are certain behaviours that are not acceptable and not OK.
Also respect goes both ways. You also need to accept her boundaries and understand there is a line you should not cross, especially when she's an adult.

I'm not saying that to be hard on you but to wake you up to the reality of how unhealthy this dynamic is and that you need to do your best to break the cycle and start doing things differently NOW. If that means going to therapy to work on your codependency or organising family counselling if your daughter agrees to it, then be it. Getting hold of books, making sure you find time for self care, doing new hobbies, making new friends. Whatever helps to literally turn this toxic situation on it's head.
With a bit of effort and consistency you can at least improve the relationship a little bit and do a lot to not participate in the drama.

Life360 is the devil's work, OP. Just stop tracking her - you do not need to know where she is all the time. She may be a bit tricky to deal with, but she is an adult and you have to respect that.

Sounds like you've left it a bit late to enforce boundaries. I know it's hard, and my daughter is only 7, so I haven't got to the joyous teenage years yet.

I think you need to accept that she's an adult and let her get on with her life - and if she isn't willing to pitch in at home, she moves out. If it helps, my relationship with my own mum was strained in my late teens and early twenties, but from late twenties we got incredibly close, and we have a lovely relationship now.

This.
please stop begging and grovelling - it’s honestly not helping and is making you look weak. You have nothing to keep apologising for.

DD is now an adult. If she makes poor choices that is up to her. If she gets angry and upset about nonsense that is her issue. You are making this into a catastrophe when it’s really just teenage stupidity.

Also, it’s never too late to stop babying her - stop buying her stuff and paying for everything. She is an adult, treat her as such. Put all dirty clothes in her room, she will sort herself out eventually.

You need to back off a bit. Your constant, sorry and asking her to forgive you sounds quite wearing.
You have let her know. She knows. Let her have some space.
With time, she will realise how much you care.

She sounds like a nasty little bitch. How unpleasant of her to remark on your age. You need to get tough. If she brings washing home, don't do it. If she asks for money or things, don't give them to her. In fact, tell her to stay at her boyfriends. I know this sounds trite and easier said than done, but she is sending you into meltdown. I'm sure your DH's behaviour had an impact on the children but you bore the brunt of it and tried all you could to minimise the effects on them. There's no excuse to make someone else's life a living hell - absolutely none. She's 19 not 13.

You need to stop apologising and pandering round her to get back into her good books. Because harsh as it sounds, every time you grovel she respects you less and despises you more. You need to take back some control and self respect here. You'd surely not tolerate a friend treating you this way, so there us no need to allow her to just because you gave birth to her. Stand up for yourself OP. I know you're scared it will make it worse, but in all honesty she treats you so badly, I'm not sure how it could. You do and say the things she wants and you're still ignored, so why bother? Sit tight and she'll come back when she wants something. Then you can set new expectations for your relationship.

Good move stopping laundry. She cleans up or moves out. Stop paying for her things. She wants all of the rights and none of the responsibilities.

I think you need to say to her that the person she is hurting us herself. If she writes off her car or gets hurt in an accident, then she's the one that suffers most. It will upset you too, but she needs to think why she is doing these things. The fact she is sending you a video of her speeding shoes it's am attention seeking ploy. Does she want you to send the videos to the police to drive a further wedge?

If she doesn't save for her tax then that's irresponsible and runs the risk of a bug tax bill and penalties later. Chances are no one will notice but it seems like she's picked up your ex's risk taking streak. I'd ignore this one like you are doing.

I think you should ask her to move out as the fights over cleaning up and helping out are ruining your relationship. Best if she hands back her key and knocks when she visits from now on.

She's 19 she should be independent. Get some hobbies and start living your own life. Once she's out of the house book a holiday and start to live a little.

MOST 19yr old DDs do no want anything to do with mums! Mine are mid 20s now, they will come around eventually, we travel, lunch dates, long chats etc. stop empowering her!

OP you and your whole situation sounds exhausting and neither of you are happy. It sounds as if in your past you were neglected and not shown love nor caring and you are desperately showing this to your daughter and going out of your way only to be met with her disdain and anger. No wonder you are feeling hurt and confused.

A couple of things:

1. She is a teen. They are not rational and often self absorbed. She will change a lot in 5 years.
2. Dial back. If she makes mistakes, she is learning. We learn better by experience and consequence than a list of rules.
3. Don't tell, ask questions. Instead of lecturing her as to what to do and don't do, ask her questions instead. eg not paying her taxes you could ask 'how successful will you be avoiding tax? What will happen do you think when the tax authorities find out? What will you do then?
4. Her mistakes are not your responsibility. If she chooses to speed - that is not on you. Let her know you are there for her if she needs.

It will be really really hard at first to take a step back and watch a disaster happen. But she will learn so much. Keep reminding her at this stage that you are there for her and that you love her. When she talks to you with contempt, you are allowed to say that the conversation is not helpful and walk away and tell her that you can both speak when you are both calm.

Also remind yourself that your behaviour could be inadvertly teaching her unhealthy relationship behaviours. Eg tracking all her movements, begging and pleading to spend time together, apologising for absolutely everything even in response to her bad behaviours, being treated like a doormat, hiding what you truly feel ....

Good relationships have boundaries and are open to honest discussions without arguments and absuive behaviours.

So everytime you feel guilty about being more assertive towards her, remind yourself of this.

Perhaps you are being a bit needy - but I'm in my mid 20s now and if my mom was concerned about me and wanted me to check in with her to settle her worries then I'd 100% do that. Respect goes a long way and it seems as though she is purposely trying to be difficult imo.

Stop apologising

When she's living with you it's fair to have a rough idea of where she is (not a rigid one) and an expectation of whether she'll be home or not with a ballpark time so you know when to lock up.
Whether or not she wants meals.
That she contributes to the household running
I also think it's reasonable to know if she's safe

If she's not living with you she gets on with it.

But she doesn't bounce home every time she decides to 'forgive' you