DD 19 making me suffer!

[Heartbreakanddamage]

Please, please be gentle because I am honestly at breaking point and cannot go on like this any longer.

NC for this!
Last year myself and my two older DC, then 18 and 20, went through absolute hell, due to my DH gambling and enormous financial implications of that. We were all under enormous pressure, and as you can imagine there was incredible stress and my mental health was in tatters.

DC and I argued a lot and things were awful. I understood it was hard for DD, but she didn’t help at home and just carried on as normal, parties, clubbing and showed no concern, which is what we mainly argued about. I barely saw her or heard from her for six months, despite constantly trying. I continued to pay for a lot of her stuff.

She eventually came round and moved back home, split with bf and was quickly in a new relationship. The thing is she still blames me for the 6 month period, and every time we have a disagreement she throws it all back at me. The slightest argument causes her to leave home for at least a week, refuse to take my calls or messages and totally ignore me. I have to beg and beg for her to return home and apologise over and over. Then it takes weeks for her to agree to spend any time with me and again I have to plead.

This is now in full swing with her having left again over an incident last week. Her bf wanted her to collect him and three friends from a night out in the city, which meant her leaving at 10pm to make the hour’s drive. She had to park in a very dodgy area to wait for them to arrive. Her car is ancient and I was really worried. I told her I was unhappy about it, but she said it was fine.
i called her to check she was ok but no reply. I messaged to tell her to let me know when the boys arrived and she said ok. An hour later I had heard nothing! I messaged her bf on messenger but no reply. Tried calling her many times but nothing. I put a post on his fb asking him to call and still nothing. She eventually called me two hours later furious telling me I’d completely embarrassed her. She’d ignored her phone due to being annoyed.

I have spent the last week literally begging forgiveness. I apologised to her boyfriend, I called and messaged but she is still shutting me out. We had a night out planned on Saturday but she wouldn’t go. I called her today and she messaged “I’m busy” I asked to chat later and got “I’ll be with my bf”

She has also let me down several times lately after we’d made plans, once choosing to go out with friends and not tell me until half an hour before.

I truly think she does not want me in her life and I am absolutely heartbroken. I do not even know how to fix this.

I've said previously that I do think your relationship lacks healthy boundaries. Your daughter is emotionally abusive. And you unintentionally contributed to her becoming that way. By begging, giving in and conditioning her to always get her way. It takes a lot of courage to accept it and to take steps to break the cycle. You've just done that and I think that's the most important thing and that you should give yourself some credit for that.

People sometimes hurt each other. And normal response to that is communication, boundaries and repairing the damage, not abusing, manipulating while simultaneously taking advantage of someone financially.
And it's not either/or situation. Maybe you did something wrong and there are few things you could l apologise for. It still doesn't mean you should accept abuse or be blamed for her nasty behaviour.

This.

You sound over needy, and she sounds like an entitled little madam

Let her get on with it.

OP, it is the moment to take a step back.

Preserve peace. 19 is old enough now to make life choices.

I would stop the begging and scraping for forgiveness and get on with your life. The space you create will leave room to come back together.

And it is so hard.

@Boomer55

She stays at her bf’s 5/6 nights a week. I’ve never really stopped her doing stuff with her friends, even way before she was 18! She’s always off seeing various friends dotted around the country and I don’t have an issue so not sure how I am needy. When your daughter has a car crash and nearly hits a tree I think it’s understandable to ask her to let you know when she’s arrived somewhere late at night. Lots of parents have said they expect this so how is it that I’m needy?

I have done as everyone suggested, left her alone. It’s now been 11 days since I saw her. I responded to her message last Wednesday and nothing since. Do I just keep going with this? It feels so wrong.

Let her come to you.

Keep going.
Do absolutely nothing for her.
If she gets angry with you tell her its clear she isn't happy living with you and perhaps she should look at a house share.
Remain calm.
But do absolutely nothing domestic for her.
Your power is remaining calm.
You cannot change her, but you can respond calmly whilst withdrawing all domestic comforts, lifts etc.
Get on with your own life.

I would text her but keep it very light, maybe send her a funny meme/tiktok or guess what the dog/cat did today etc. Just enough so you’re not ignoring her but definitely no asking her to come home. She will probably be confused why you aren’t pandering to her but this should be your new normal. She is an adult and is responsible for her own choices.

She comes home when I’m at work. She’d been her yesterday and washed some clothes and showered. She left dirty clothes in the basket and still has a huge pile of dirty clothes on her bedroom floor. The mouldy dishes remain in her room and the glass of sour milk that’s now been there two weeks. I have touched nothing!

Send her a message this morning saying something along the lines of hi, how are you doing? And leave it at that.

do a partial clean through of the room, put dirty clothes in the basket, remove the sour milk and reclaim your crockery. If it migrates back there just send a message saying ‘please don’t leave dirty crockery in your room’ no more than that, then just generic nice ‘vanilla’ messages that no one could take offence at maybe share funny things that happen.

it’s all about keeping the lines of communication open.

what are you doing for Christmas, that could also do with some careful navigating so you don’t end up with a massive blow out.

Mainly though what are you doing for you. You need your tribe that you can chat with I do open water swimming and it’s the best for that, the cold water kills all those thoughts shouting at you in your head and there’s always people to chat to.

Agree with leaving her to it just now and brief communication every now and again to see how she is doing.

Was her ex abusive, it just jumped out that the behaviour started after living with him.
Current boyfriend doesn't sound great either if he controls what she does.

I know it will be incredibly hard but I'd carry on as you are for now. I certainly wouldn't be tidying her room for her like a pp suggested!
She's been treating you appallingly and you need to stay firm so that she sees you're sick of being the doormat that she likes to wipe her feet on.

If you’re referring to my post I’m not suggesting tidying the room just removing the sour milk and reclaim the dirty crockery as that is unhygienic and could result in vermin. There’s doing nothing and there’s attracting pests.

Hi all,

I think your daughter is behaving in an unreasonable manner and you SHOULD NOT be begging her (or her boyfriend) to forgive you.

I was 19 not that long ago and, yes, I spent most of my time with partners and friends but would never have treated my parents in that way. By that age there should be mutual respect between parents/children and we (children) should not be in a "stroppy teenage phase".

Stop begging. Reclaim some respect. When she's ready she'll come back.

Yours,

Southernponies

This sounds like a dysfunctional parent child relationship that will never reach the maturity that you expect because there was never a healthy foundation to start with. I would suggest family therapy to work through your issues because I don’t think either of you are equipped to do so without the intervention of a third party.

Certainly remove stinky plates etc, but nothing else.

I think both of you at fault, it’s not just you or just her, it’s both of you and together youve got into poor patterns of communication.

yes it’s quite normal to request and expect the word ‘safe’ but the hounding texts, Facebook posting, the repeat calls over an 1.5 hours is crazy. Text once and ask if she’s safe and wait. Please assume everything is fine unless told it’s not fine.

I do have some red flag feelings about her boyfriend. He maybe a bit controlling and trying to isolate her from family? This is likely a conclusion she needs to initially come to herself, so if things start to fall apart help her on request. In the meantime be welcoming to her and restrain from criticising him.

you’ve had a cooling off period. Now reengage as adults and rebuild your bond in a more adult way. Ask her if she’d like to watch x film with you in the cinema? Or do something else fun together out of the house. Or ask if there’s a day she’d be able to regularly meet for a weekly catch up, coffee and cake. Say to her that youve both had a difficult few years, youre both adults and you’d like to try to have a more adult relationship with her. Occasionally text her like you would an adult friend ‘how’s your week, mines been ok apart from the car failing it’s mOT ’.

family therapy might be the only way forward

I completely agree with this in that we are both at fault. When she moved in with her previous boyfriend I agree that was entirely my fault as I’d taken all the bad stuff out on her. No truer words than ‘You always hurt the ones you love’ Gor this period I have apologised many, many times yet she still repeats ‘You have still not accepted accountability for last year’ What else is there except apologising. Since that period she has undoubtedly played a part in our relationship not being great but will not accept responsibility or any blame and says absolutely everything is my fault.

it would be weird to text her and invite her to the cinema etc, when she is point blank refusing to talk to me or have any communication. I think she would view this as hounding her. I was the last person to message and I feel like she needs to make the next move. I told her I wasn’t ignoring her, but giving her the freedom and space to live her life. I have not heard anything since. If I invite her out she will come back with “I thought you were giving me space?” If I say nothing she will accuse me of shutting her out. Surely if she wanted to see me she’d have messaged to ask.

I don’t think anyone really understands how difficult this is.

Unfortunately, OP, I think that damage to relationships between parents and children can happen quite quickly/easily but are harder/take longer to repair.

She's not a friend or an equal adult - in which case, you'd expect an apology to suffice and you'd move on. Your mum is supposed to be the one person in the world you can trust and rely on who provides your safety. When a parent no longer feels 'safe' to a child, it's a trust that can be very difficult to rebuild.

Even when that child is an adult.

And, unfortunately for the parent, the onus is on you to repair it, even when you don't know how. You only have to read other threads on here from the damaged adult children to see how deeply the 'mother wound' cuts.

And, unlike your thread, no one is suggesting that those adult children are unreasonable and that they need to make more of an effort.

Re worrying about her driving- you getting a text to say she's safe (if you had) wouldn't mitigate your worry the next time she was out. Nor would it improve her driving. It's possible that she has already vowed to herself to be more careful after having an accident. How would you know? Your anxiety, though understandable, is your issue. The reality is, if something awful happens, ultimately you will be informed. A text from her won't stop you worrying the next time. You have to manage that yourself.

Personally I wouldn't allow a room in my house to fester. My 19 yo's room is a complete tip. But I remove food items because I don't want to encourage pests and anyway the rest of us need the plates, glasses etc.

As for the no contact from you to her. I think that's unnecessary. I'd keep it light - funny photo or something she might find interesting with no expectation of a response. To show you are thinking of her but not making demands.

@GreyCarpet
i have tried to repair it! I’m leaving g her alone because everyone said I needed to give her space but now I’m giving her space people are saying it’s up to me to fix it. I cannot go right for doing wrong. When I said I was heartbroken and devastated everyone said I was being dramatic. I am sitting here in tears not knowing which way to turn because whatever I say someone comes along to tell me I’m wrong.

Tbh, I think space for both of you right now is probably a good idea.

I know you've apologised. But I'd suggest reflecting on your own about what that has looked like.

For example, sometimes, when people are expressing big emotions, especially when they are directed at us, we can become defensive in our response even when apologising - "I'm sorry. I've said I'm sorry. What else do you want me to say? Yes, you're angry with me, I get that. I made a mistake, I get that. But what else do you want me to do? I told you i was just worried about X, Y Z." Not necessarily that verbatim but you get my drift and that comes from a place of defensiveness and self preservation. It doesn't come from a place of listening or empathy.

Sometimes, we need to let someone else feel their big feelings, however uncomfortable it makes us, reflect it back calmly so she knows you've heard her amd she feels that.

"I think I've understood. When I did X it made you feel Y. That must have been really hard for you. I can see how much that hurt/upset you and I understand why you're angry with me. It meant that when I should have been supporting you, I didn't/wasn't able to. What can I do to make it better?" Again, not verbatim but I hope you get my drift!

She doesn't need an(other) explanation of why you've done/said what you have. She knows that. She needs to hear that you understand why it has upset her.

I'm not sure how you get from where you are now to having that conversation with her though because she needs to be receptive to it as much as you need to be able to give it.

OP, she knows where you are, do nothing, she won't be sitting around upset.

It's really, really important to get on with living your own life. x

However angry she is right now, she is also hurting. Because you're her mum.

I had to go nc with my mother nearly 13 years ago for numerous reasons so I'm not a stranger to difficult familial relationships. I tried so many times to open conversations with my mum that would have allowed us to move forward but she wasn't able to do that. She couldn't make herself vulnerable and always turned everything back on me. You don't need the details but she was a very damaged woman and hurt people hurt people. Sadly.

I couldn't put it right because, even when I was an adult, she was the adult and she also.wrote the blueprint of our relationship. She set the parameters and I could only operate within those.

She didn't really apologise but when she did, it was only to remind me of her position as a victim of life, "I'm sorry but..." She had no interest in hearing/understanding me or moving forward.

But I was the child and she was my mum, and if she'd ever shown any interest in me, I'd have taken it.

I'm 50 now and, like I say, it's been nearly 13 years so that ship has long since sailed.

I hope you can work this out.