DD 19 making me suffer!

[Heartbreakanddamage]

Please, please be gentle because I am honestly at breaking point and cannot go on like this any longer.

NC for this!
Last year myself and my two older DC, then 18 and 20, went through absolute hell, due to my DH gambling and enormous financial implications of that. We were all under enormous pressure, and as you can imagine there was incredible stress and my mental health was in tatters.

DC and I argued a lot and things were awful. I understood it was hard for DD, but she didn’t help at home and just carried on as normal, parties, clubbing and showed no concern, which is what we mainly argued about. I barely saw her or heard from her for six months, despite constantly trying. I continued to pay for a lot of her stuff.

She eventually came round and moved back home, split with bf and was quickly in a new relationship. The thing is she still blames me for the 6 month period, and every time we have a disagreement she throws it all back at me. The slightest argument causes her to leave home for at least a week, refuse to take my calls or messages and totally ignore me. I have to beg and beg for her to return home and apologise over and over. Then it takes weeks for her to agree to spend any time with me and again I have to plead.

This is now in full swing with her having left again over an incident last week. Her bf wanted her to collect him and three friends from a night out in the city, which meant her leaving at 10pm to make the hour’s drive. She had to park in a very dodgy area to wait for them to arrive. Her car is ancient and I was really worried. I told her I was unhappy about it, but she said it was fine.
i called her to check she was ok but no reply. I messaged to tell her to let me know when the boys arrived and she said ok. An hour later I had heard nothing! I messaged her bf on messenger but no reply. Tried calling her many times but nothing. I put a post on his fb asking him to call and still nothing. She eventually called me two hours later furious telling me I’d completely embarrassed her. She’d ignored her phone due to being annoyed.

I have spent the last week literally begging forgiveness. I apologised to her boyfriend, I called and messaged but she is still shutting me out. We had a night out planned on Saturday but she wouldn’t go. I called her today and she messaged “I’m busy” I asked to chat later and got “I’ll be with my bf”

She has also let me down several times lately after we’d made plans, once choosing to go out with friends and not tell me until half an hour before.

I truly think she does not want me in her life and I am absolutely heartbroken. I do not even know how to fix this.

OP you are clearly very upset and anyone telling you off is upsetting you more.
Give her time to settle. You are desperately upset and she is bloody stubborn. I was at 19.
Give it a few days.
Sometimes words which disarm can cut through a lot. Not words that come from desperation or what you need but a simple…
I know things aren’t great but I just want to let you know I am your mum and I love you.
And it’s that simple. Words like that don’t require much else. There are no demands or requests involved.
Give it a try.
And leave the words with her.

I think you have a duty as a parent to start to rebuild your bond with her. Do it slowly in a steady laid back adult way, no pressure. There’s no rush. Maybe just text and say you’re thinking of her

I did text her. She still hasn’t responded.

Must be so upsetting but if she knows you love her and are there for her, then as hard as it is you have to leave it with her.
Let her come back to you when she wishes to. When she does, you will be on a more equal footing.

I could not take the silence any longer and called at her friend’s house as she was house sitting for them. She asked why I hadn’t been in touch. I said I had snd she hadn’t replied. I let it go.

She messaged me to say she had broken down the next day and was waiting to be towed and would let me know she was ok. She didn’t and I didn’t hear from her until the next day. I tried to call her twice then left it so not to seem pushy.
After 18 days of not staying at home she said she was coming home with nice treats and we could have a lovely evening together on Wednesday. She asked for a lift so I picked her up. She said she was going to make us hot chocolate and treats but didn’t and announced she was going out. I said nothing! She didn’t go out but instead invited a friend and shared the treats with her. I went to bed. When I got up she’d left all the treats mess all over the table, dirty dishes, cereal bowl full of half eaten weetabix, clothes on bathroom floor, clothes on the sofa.
She told me she’d be home this evening but no sign and I’m not asking. I told her I think we need some family counselling but she refused saying it’s pointless.
I have told her she needs to make her cleaning business legit and she’s told me she’s stopping.
Her room remains a slum but I’m not saying anything.

That is so hurtful OP.
You have tried so hard.
And if she has a cleaning business I have no idea why she would make such a mess in your home it’s disrespectful.
Hope some wise posters can offer some words of wisdom.

@PeggyMitchellsCameo I know I have to take accountability for being too overbearing and I am trying really hard but yes it’s the little things that hurt. I’m sure someone will soon be along to tell me I have no right to feel hurt and that she’s just a teen etc. I just wish she wouldn’t let me look forward to things she knows she has no intention of doing.

You're doing great OP.

If this was a man treating you like this everyone would be saying LTB.

Her treatment of you is horrendous.

It sounds like the whole family has been through a traumatic experience, and this is the ripples.

OP, your first post came across to me as suggesting that your dh let you down badly, and that you have looked to your dd to step up and fill some of the gap. But she is refusing to because she too was badly hurt, is furious with both parents for ending her childhood abruptly (not saying that's fair but it's often how children feel) and is making it absolutely clear to you that she will not step up and be the considerate, reliable companion you crave.

You need to step out of this dance. Stop begging, pleading and blaming her. Find support somewhere else - therapy? Maintain your boundaries, don't let her take the piss but maybe reconsider some of your demands. Be loving but not needy. Don't take on battles you can't win.

I also have a 19 yo daughter and it is so hard watching them drift away. Especially if you're short on support (I am, too). But I know my dd really likes it when I go out with friends or go out in the world - I think it reassures her that she doesn't have to feel guilty for leaving me. We can only trust that they will bob back.

I just don’t know how we can overcome this and move forward. I’ve completely changed my attitude but it’s the hurtful things that feel intentional I struggle with. Imagine I said I was coming home with treats and hot chocolate (her idea completely, not mine) and then invited a friend and gave them to her. I just don’t get this hurtful streak.

I think you are responding well to her behaviour by not overreacting to her. I bet she deliberately didn’t share the treats as she wanted to see you upset - well done by just going to bed!

It’s so rude of her to just leave the mess out. I would just dump her clothes and anything else left lying around on her bedroom floor and just shut the door for her to deal with when she comes home.

Remember you can’t change her behaviour but you can change how you react to it. Try and do something nice for yourself at least once a day so she knows your life does not revolve around her.

I am at an absolute loss tbh. She is certainly purposefully doing things which she knows will hurt and upset me.
I cannot believe the state of her room or how she could even sleep in it. It looks like a squat, piled high in bin bags full of dirty clothes. It’s shocking, she refuses to clean it up. I don’t think she’s changed her bedding in over two months.
i am really wondering if her bf has anything to do with the way she is behaving. Before someone comes along to say I am deflecting blame onto him, I am not. I am however wondering if she has to spend all her time with him because she doesn’t trust him. She’s told me she doesn’t. In the past she’s been super savvy with boys. First red flag or poor treatment and they’ve been dumped…but not this one. She’s found a flirty message on his phone from his ‘female friend’ and he’s lied quite a few times. She tried to dump him but he wouldn’t let her and called and messaged 24/7 for a week, constantly turning up crying etc. She asked for space and he refused until she just went back to him. At one point he was messaging her dozens of times a day, I mean every ten mins! She asked him to steady up but he didn’t and now she accepts it. She was offered a job with much better money but he really put her off it saying it was long hours etc etc. I think it was because she’d be working with men. Last week she bumped into him in his lunch hour in a place 20 mins from his work. He said he’d gone to the shop but I swear he was keeping track on her as there’s a better shop two mins from his work and he had no need to be there. Am I wrong here? I just do not know what to do.

you're doing well.

I think you would benefit from your own counselling. The hurt you’re feeling is real and very justified but I think for now you need to be able to pretend you feel nothing and just shrug it off so you can really be there for her when she’s ready and needs it.

looking back over your posts in light of your most recent one about bf behaviour you could well be right. There are elements of her behaviour that are plain stupid and hurtful that she does seem to be deliberately winding you up with so it’s definitely not all on him. But things like the not answering texts in the middle of the night knowing your concern might be his influence. One of the things of a coercive control relationship is isolating someone from their family and support network.

there’s not a lot you can do, other than be there when she’s ready.

Try not to engage if she’s trying to wind you up into an argument. If she throws the previous events in your face calmly say that you’ve acknowledged your part in it and apologised many times if she chooses not to forgive and move on that’s her prerogative but you can not and will not continue to apologise indefinitely then disengage from the argument.

I also can not stress enough the importance of having your own outlets. Try and find something where you meet up with people away from the house and have your own hobbies to focus on so her troubles are not your only thing in your life outside work.

She's pushing and pulling, trying to be independent but also acting out wanting to feel like you're focused on her. There is a lot going on, a lot has happened, you haven't made things easier, but I think enough has been said about that. Way to much detail would be required before anyone could give you more than fairly generic advice, if you can afford to see a psychologist I would get some professional advice on this. You will need to be completely honest with them, but they may be able to help you with how to approach this, give her enough reassurance without too much. I think the middle ground is not reacting to the extreme behaviour, but also trying to let of go of blaming her for things like the photo and the treats. Photos are personal, someone can not want to be part of the wedding photo without it being designed to hurt. Maybe she meant what she said about the treats but wasn't ready for that. Maybe she's a thoughtless 19 year old, maybe it's to do with everything that's happened. The way your personalising things isn't helpful. A psychologist could also help you chose and hold correct boundaries, no more begging apologise for a start. Personally I'd go for less contact not none and no more extemes, they don't help either of you. Get support for yourself, for everything you've been through, then maybe you can help her feel secure again and rebuild the relationship between. It's like in a emergency on a plane where you need to put your oxygen mask on first before you put on on your kid. She needs you to be ok then maybe you can help her be ok. Given your behaviour you're not ok and that's not just about her.

You are expecting too much in the way of emotional support from your daughter. It is not her fault that your husband is a gambling addict or that you don't have a supportive relationship with him, and it is not her role to fill that gap in your life.

No, it wouldn't.

I would have laughed and said something along the lines of 'she's 19, of course she doesn't want a photo with her mum, she would die of embarrassment' and have the photo just of me.

I wouldn't throw her out at this point because her boyfriend sounds controlling and I would want her to have an escape route home. But in the end, if she won't treat you and your home with basic respect, then you might need to.

But I wouldn't be cleaning up her room, doing her laundry, paying for her etc nor begging to spend time with her. Nor should her brother be paying her car insurance.

Get her a laundry basket to keep in her room for her dirty laundry, until she can be bothered to do.it. Stop monitoring where she is.

I’d suggest that if you want genuine change in your relationship that you need to have a real in depth think about what happened between the time she texted you about coming to spend the evening together

and the point she invited her friend over to share the treats.

It sounds to me like the initial message was an olive branch, and the friend coming instead was a response to it being rejected.

Your daughter had gone out of her way to bring treats home and suggest a movie. Did you say “thank you, that’s really thoughtful, I love that plan” and then just spent time with her?

Or did you use the opportunity to criticise/control? Did you bring up the driving, or the cleaning company, or the boyfriend, or the house rules etc? Or did you talk about how you’re worried that you’re putting weight on when she has bought nice treats? Or go over the top about missing her?

My mum found the transition from childhood to adulthood very tricky to cope with as a parent, and I found her behaviour controlling and critical. Lots of people said “it’s just because you’re young and she loves you” but all of the same issues exist in our relationship today and now my friends say “your mum is batshit crazy” because she’s doing them to a 40 year old instead of a 19 year old.

Your daughter is telling you loud and clear that she is a capable adult and wants to make her own way, even if that sometimes involves doing things differently from you, even if you’re uncomfortable with the attached risk. But she’s also saying that she wants to maintain a relationship with you. But you need to accept the first if you want the second to flourish.

Stop telling her what to do, raising your concerns, trying to guide her, trying to choose the “right word” to get your point across. She’s made it very clear that she doesn’t want this. It’s fine to stop paying for things but do it as a natural progression and not a punishment. Again, fine to stop doing her washing as a natural progression but not as a punishment. She’s 19 - if she was at uni these things would all be the case anyway.

Instead spend some nice time with her without trying to parent her and see if that improves things.

I don’t monitor where she is but I’m sure if your daughter contacted you and said she’d broken down and was awaiting towing and you then heard nothing more for 15 hours you’d be concerned. It’s just basic decency. We live in the north, very rurally, so yes it’s kind of normal to be concerned.

@NC10125

You are way, way off the mark with your thoughts on what happened between the time she told me about the treats and getting home! It went exactly like this!

She asked to be picked up and when I collected her she told me she had luxury hot chocolate and was going to make us a hot drink with the treats. NO I DID NOT REJECT HER ‘OLIVE BRANCH’ I said “Aw how lovely, I will light a nice fire and we can have a catch up on the sofa” By the time we’d arrived home she told me she was going out. I said “Oh ok, well I’ll light the fire whilst you make the drinks” She had not been home for 18 days but I said nothing. She carried the treats in whilst I went to get logs. When I had finished she was on her phone, bags and mess everywhere but I said absolutely nothing! After half an hour I said “Come on Mrs where’s the drinks and goodies?” She continued to sit messaging and never made the drinks or offered the treats. After an hour she announced she wasn’t going out but had a friend coming at 10pm. I eventually went to bed. When I woke up she’d had the treats with her friend and left all the crumbs and mess all over the table. I cleaned it up and went to work leaving her in bed.

BTW I’m a size 8 so I did not reject the treats because I am fat.

My older daughter went through a phase aged 14-16 where she wouldn't come home and would switch off her phone. Where she would be at least an hour late if I was due to pick.her up, wouldn't leave the house on time to go to school.

She had a lot of early trauma to work through (she's adopted) and for her being able to control adults was how she had survived when younger.

So she was testing me and our relationship (to destruction).

In the end I had to set a clear boundary, and accept that I couldn't prevent her putting herself in dangerous situations.

I left on the school run on time with my younger daughter - and if my older daughter wasn't in the car then she had to walk to school. I stopped waiting for her when I went to collect her, unless she called me to say she was running late. If she stayed out and switched off her phone I reported her missing as agreed with her social worker, and waited it out.

She left at 16 to move in with her boyfriend's family, having convinced them I was the worst parent ever. After 3 or 4 months they threw her out because she behaved to them the way she had to me.

Yes, of course I was desperately worried. But I had to focus on being the parent she needed, not the one she could manipulate.

She is now in her 20s, doing teacher training, and we have a lovely relationship. The other day something came up in conversation and she said 'the older I get the more I realise what you did for me'. Part of that was to keep loving her and being there, but modelling healthy boundaries and behaviours.

Her boyfriend sounds very worrying and controlling, and my guess would be that is more of a factor than your ex's gambling.

But you can't fix that for her. Counselling for yourself might help you make sense of your thoughts and feelings.

I’m sorry if I offended you, or if I’m wrong about what happened.

You come across as very angry with my post, which given that I’m a stranger on the internet might mean that it’s touched a nerve. Worth thinking about if you want to improve the relationship perhaps?

@NC10125
I apologise if I seem angry! I think I am because nothing I do is working and when incidents like these happen, with the treats for example, everyone assumes I’ve done or said the wrong thing but I did absolutely nothing. I really feel deep down that she is doing these things to spite me and obviously I am trying to not let her see that, but it bloody hurts. I am now ill in bed with flu and honestly I just want to cry. Christmas is going to be awful and I just want it all to be over.

OP, posters on mn love to add arms and legs, make shit up and basically give an op as big a kicking as they can.
Its just how some people are.

Your daughter unfortunately is behaving like a very nasty piece of work who is clearly trying to hurt you.

I know there is a train of thought that advises you allow your children to endlessly treat you like shit because that is your job as a parent.

I don't believe in that.
Just because someone cares for you and loves you, does not mean that is their right to treat you badly.

It sets up a really bad precedent for them in their lives and does them absolutely no favours.

I would not be tolerating this from her.
I would be telling her that she either cleans up the room or you will be bagging up her stuff for her to take to her boyfriends.
She has very little respect for herself or you.
We teach people/our children how to treat us, by what we will accept.

It does them no harm to be firmly reminded that you are a person, not just their mother, and that you will not tolerate being treated poorly by them just because you love them.

I love my children very very dearly, 18, 21, 24, and would do anything to help them, however, if the price of being in their lives was abuse and disrespect I would wish them well and wave them off.

I have far too much respect for myself to tolerate otherwise.

OP, you do not deserve this from her.

I agree with above poster.
Time to tell her how it is - you will not tolerate being treated like dirt/disrespected and that if she doesn’t sort herself out sharpish, she needs to leave! Simples.

I know it will be hard to start with but how else will anything change? Time to grow up. She wouldn’t treat anyone else like this, so she shouldn’t do it to you either.

Thank you so much @Necky1 and @PussInBin20

To be honest I kind of regret even posting this because the majority are telling me it’s actually me who is in the wrong here. Even when I said how she behaved about the hot chocolate and treats I was told I’d likely rejected her…the exact opposite was true.

I virtually brought them up on my own with no family support, no babysitters ever and husband always away working. I used to take them abroad each year for a week from the ages of 2 and 4 all by myself. They have always been great kids. I was a strict parent and they had good manners and knew respect. So it is such a shock to find myself here now and totally lost.

Yes we have all had an horrendous time, but posters need to remember we have ALL gone through that. Yes I know she is young but she is almost 20. Yes I need to be understanding but I do not deserve this.

I am absolutely gobsmacked at the change in her. She has spent one night here out of twenty two. She told me she was coming home to spend Saturday night and Sunday here. I thought she was having dinner with us but by 10.45 pm I told her (nicely) it wasn’t worth coming home. She then said she’d be home last night for sure, no sign or word from her whatsoever.

My thoughts are that she wants me to throw her out. She can then move in with her boyfriend guilt free as it wasn’t her decision. I’m not going to do that. I told her last week she had until Monday to sort her room. I know she isn’t going to do it. There are huge bags of stinking clothes everywhere. No one would believe it. I’m giving her until Tuesday then bagging it into bin liners and putting it in the utility.

I really do think she is pushing and pushing so that she causes a big row and she doesn’t then have to spend Christmas here. I am going to tell her I would like her to spend Christmas at her boyfriends with his family. I am not sitting waiting for her to turn up all Christmas and upsetting myself. I have really had enough now.

She completely ruined last Christmas Day for everyone by sitting on her phone all day being miserable. She said she’d arrived at 10 am but turned up at 1pm looking dirty and scruffy and didn’t even care that everyone else had made an effort. Truly at wits end.