DD 19 making me suffer!

[Heartbreakanddamage]

Please, please be gentle because I am honestly at breaking point and cannot go on like this any longer.

NC for this!
Last year myself and my two older DC, then 18 and 20, went through absolute hell, due to my DH gambling and enormous financial implications of that. We were all under enormous pressure, and as you can imagine there was incredible stress and my mental health was in tatters.

DC and I argued a lot and things were awful. I understood it was hard for DD, but she didn’t help at home and just carried on as normal, parties, clubbing and showed no concern, which is what we mainly argued about. I barely saw her or heard from her for six months, despite constantly trying. I continued to pay for a lot of her stuff.

She eventually came round and moved back home, split with bf and was quickly in a new relationship. The thing is she still blames me for the 6 month period, and every time we have a disagreement she throws it all back at me. The slightest argument causes her to leave home for at least a week, refuse to take my calls or messages and totally ignore me. I have to beg and beg for her to return home and apologise over and over. Then it takes weeks for her to agree to spend any time with me and again I have to plead.

This is now in full swing with her having left again over an incident last week. Her bf wanted her to collect him and three friends from a night out in the city, which meant her leaving at 10pm to make the hour’s drive. She had to park in a very dodgy area to wait for them to arrive. Her car is ancient and I was really worried. I told her I was unhappy about it, but she said it was fine.
i called her to check she was ok but no reply. I messaged to tell her to let me know when the boys arrived and she said ok. An hour later I had heard nothing! I messaged her bf on messenger but no reply. Tried calling her many times but nothing. I put a post on his fb asking him to call and still nothing. She eventually called me two hours later furious telling me I’d completely embarrassed her. She’d ignored her phone due to being annoyed.

I have spent the last week literally begging forgiveness. I apologised to her boyfriend, I called and messaged but she is still shutting me out. We had a night out planned on Saturday but she wouldn’t go. I called her today and she messaged “I’m busy” I asked to chat later and got “I’ll be with my bf”

She has also let me down several times lately after we’d made plans, once choosing to go out with friends and not tell me until half an hour before.

I truly think she does not want me in her life and I am absolutely heartbroken. I do not even know how to fix this.

When you say they shouldn’t be expected to do more to help out…goodness! So I should be picking up her dirty clothes, doing all her dishes etc. What about my life? I am asking the very bare minimum here and I do not think that is unreasonable @Katbum

I think she sounds like a rude entitled little madam and you're pandering to her. She is treating you like a doormat.

Kindly, you need to look at all you have posted and think about the dynamics of the relationship. What would you tell a friend in this position?

I think, FWIW, that you are confused about where you both are. Is your DD an adult, able to make her own decisions even if they are bad ones? In which case, worry as you might, she will make mistakes and you will pick up the pieces, and no amount of warning will help. That said, she isn’t helping by how she behaves (badly and with no regard to common courtesy to those she lives with). I’d suggest counselling for the trauma and to better understand what’s going on but for now, something has to change or this will carry on the same and it’s not healthy. My suggestion is you stop with the begging and the upset. Find a way to manage your worries away from her, because there is something about her playing you and you being a willing victim that makes this uncomfortable.

She does sound difficult. I have a 19 year old and luckily she is mostly respectful and communicates well. However I think you need to step back. Try to see yourself as the strong mature adult who is there if needed but expects very little. At that age they aren't often interested in doing nice things with you or, sad to say, your feelings and emotions. I remember getting the ick around that age when my mother cried all over me as she was having issues with my dad. It didn't fit my idea of our respective roles (rightly or wrongly).

Truth is if something went horribly wrong where she needed you, you'd know about it soon enough. So try to stop worrying when you don't hear anything. Whenever I feel anxious that one of mine has been out of touch for longer than expected AND I don't know who they are with, I send an innocuous text about something trivial so it doesn't seem like I'm fussing. If I know who they are with, I try not to do anything.

Your neediness will be repulsive to her and feel like an intrusion on her privacy and independence unfortunately, so it will just keep back firing on you.

@BlueSilverCats
Tbh she has always been so good and respectful and I’ve been really chilled about letting her do stuff with her friends and I e never had any reason to not trust her.

I have been too soft with her as regards clearing up after herself and only started asking her when she was probably 14/15. She is an absolute nightmare and will think nothing of taking mine and my son’s clothes . Then we find them thrown on her disgusting bedroom floor. She values nothing either. I bought her some new sunglasses and they were worn once then lost, not even sorry about it!

She owes her brother eight months car insurance.

My 19 year old is very lazy about cleaning up. Her room is a tip. I have tidied it myself in the past as she has had mental health issues, but she is doing better now and I've decided not to. I do sometimes collect rubbish and crockery, on the grounds the refuse collection is due or we are running out ourselves. Otherwise I let her get on with it. I used to think she was overwhelmed and that if I got things sorted, she'd keep them that way, but it took me a while to realise it wasn't going to happen. She frequently has her bf and / or best friend over, so if she's not bothered about the mess in front of them, why should I be? (I am, of course).

I just thank her when she does bring things down or puts something away and hope it will encourage more in the future. And I have noticed she's better about clearing up after herself in the kitchen than she was.

You can run yourself ragged trying to get compliance. And the only one who suffers is you.

You need to stop being such a doormat! Why are you apologising over and over and begging her to come home? Stop doing this and let her get on with it. She is treating you like shit because you allow her to. She's 19 - an adult - and you need to start treating her like one. Set some house rules and tell her that if she wants to live with you she will have to abide by them. If she goes to live with her boyfriend, she gives you her key back and can't pop in and use your house like a hotel whenever she feels like it.

@Heartbreakanddamage when did the change in her behaviour start? Was it all at once or gradual?

If she’s sending you videos of herself driving dangerously, you should report her to the DVLA and send them the videos. She could kill someone. How would you feel if she hit a child?

Hi OP!

So, this was literally me 10 years ago. I am now 29 with a 19 month old DD myself, and the things I said to my mum make me sad to think about now. All of a sudden my 'mum, stop telling me what to do' turned into 'mum, I need you to tell me what to do' I need my mum so much more than I did when I was 19 which sounds crazy! I truly don't think until you have children of your own, you appreciate just what your mother sacrificed for you. It gives you a whole deeper understanding of why they were the way they were. She will always be your baby, but just try and let go for a while, be present and be there when she needs you, but teenagers need too also learn life just as we all are even in my late 20s! The more you try and hug her in, the more she will push away, and chances are, the quieter you go, the more she will question why you are quiet. There will come a time in her life, when she too realises this is your first time living to. Having kids is the scariest thing you can do, it's literally like you've grown another heart and now they are just wondering around in the world and you can't always protect them, but know you are trying. That won't go unnoticed when she's an older adult. Sending hugs, from a past difficult teenager myself, it can't be easy! x

Just stop OP, stop posting in her boyfriend’s Facebook, stop repeat texting and repeat phoning, stop over apologising, just start treating her like an adult. Yes she will make bad decisions sometimes but she needs space to make her bad decisions and will learn to make good ones from natural consequences. At the moment she is finding you overwhelming and pushing back through behaviours. Treat her like an adult OP. Stop hounding her.

I agree but tbh I am so stressed, upset and just exhausted that I have absolutely no idea what to do about any of it.

I get that but she does the stupidest things. She set up a cleaning business and is just taking cash. I’ve told her she will be in big trouble but she won’t listen. A whole year of paying no tax. I’m just going to wait until she gets reported and tell her to get on with it

With all due respect she probably sees you as a pushover and is angry with you about her father being so stupid and losing all that money.
Have you actually sat down and talked about that period of your lives?
Don't let people walk all over you. Stand up for yourself and demand her respect or she can move out. It's really hard I know but she'll thank you eventually, when she's older and actually realises what life is.

@danid26
Aw thank you so much for this. She has turned into someone I just don’t know. I already told her last week that she is on her own now as far as me checking she’s ok. I have said NEVER EVER again will I check she’s ok whether she’s driving to Italy or walking woods at midnight and I absolutely mean it. Never in my life will I check in with her. She wants to be the adult so off you go and be one. If she breaks down, call Green Flag. If her bf lies to her again, deal with it. I e just sorted a load of washing out, I e put hers back in the basket. She can wash it where she spends all her time, at her bf’s. She brings it all here and expects me to wash it. NOT ANYMORE!

Never in my life will I check in with her. She wants to be the adult so off you go and be one. If she breaks down, call Green Flag. If her bf lies to her again, deal with it.

You’re just being over dramatic now. It doesn’t have to be all or nothing and it doesn’t have to be confrontational.

I’m not being over dramatic! I’ve just had enough! I’m sick of being made to feel bad every time I use a wrong word (yes…it’s actually got to that point) to describe a scenario or I’m too this or not enough that. Posters on here are dead right! She is treating me like a doormat. I had to sit through a wedding reception with her a few months ago, during which she took great pleasure in telling my work colleagues how ‘weird’ it is having an an older mum…like I’m some fucking dinosaur. How some of her friend’s mums are twenty plus years younger than me. Then she declined to have a photo taken with me, which made me feel like shit in front of everyone. She did all of this on the day I’d felt really insecure about the dress I was wearing and felt really old. The more I think about how she has behaved the angrier I become. I had her at 38, so hardly a pensioner and I’m no frump but in her eyes I’m shit !

Maybe this is the time for some tough love and she needs to stand on her own two feet @Heartbreakanddamage and have the consequences of her behaviour and attitude laid bare for her.

Get house rules for the whole family. She either cooperates with them and is a member of the household chipping in with tasks and chores or she can leave.

If she can stay out for 5 days with the boyfriend and for longer when she’s sulking.. she can stay out permanently.

Do stop chasing her to the level you were, ask your son to stop making car insurance payments on her behalf and let her know she’s no longer covered. Is the car in her name?

She sounds immature and pandered to. Block her friends on socials so you can’t have infantile videos of her speeding.. these kids sound like they are 12.

would you accept this behaviour from a work colleague or partner? From a friend? Hopefully the answer is no.

set some rules, make some personal boundaries.

I was a shitty teenager and my mum and dad had todo this when I was a young adult. I appreciated it a few years later and we developed a much better relationship. Even if you don’t - you can’t let someone continue bullying and belittling you like this.

Oh goodness me. She is 19 and sounds like a right pain to live with. I'd support her to leave home, tbh.

And if she wants to live at home then she pays rent and sticks to your rules.

I get that she has had a hard time but unfortunately life can be tough and she's in no frame of mind to discuss maturely how things have affected her just now.

With a younger child, of course you might view this behaviour in a more sympathetic light and get some professional help.

But at 19 - she needs to recognise she needs the help and reach out.

You are no longer responsible for her and you're not helping her with your approach.

She is 19-young to you but grown to her.

Teens and twenties often prefer everyone else's parents to their own . It is usually just a stage.

You are allowed to worry about her We parents mostly do -even about much older off-spring.

Worry is a delight of parenthood (like the sleeplessness you get bringing-up babies) ...but you don't get to share that worry with her.

Your love for her must now be used to let her go and forgive her as she does so. Do it well and she will be back and a delightful adult.

Trust her.
You brought her up. She knows what you will say. (I can hear my own mother all the time😁 and even find myself using her words to my own daughter. I bet you can do the same?)

Telling her how worried you are (and demanding calls etc.) suggests to her that you think little of her capabilities. It will be annoying and upsetting-and something to feel embarrassed about if friends know!

She is being rude and unkind to you but have you left her anyway to break free without this?

She will make mistakes and you will be left holding your breath for her... but that is your burden.

You need to distract yourself from her business by finding other people and other pleasures first and while (or at least pretending to do so.)

She will need you and might even appreciate you when she is old enough to look back.

Who's paid for her actual car? If you're paying for it I'd stop and tell her to take over paying if she's going to drive dangerously. Same with the insurance. And you won't be replacing it when she has an accident.

Good move on stopping doing her washing. You really need to back right off and let her feel the loss of your practical support, and also let her notice that you've stopped being needy and apologising. This is more likely than anything to prompt change on her part.

Hi Op, I've been your daughter and had a daughter that behaved like this. She's hurting about something and she'll either need therapy or you need to step back and let her work this all out herself. What you cannot let her continue doing is using you as a punchbag.

I agree with PP which is to not have anyone she knows on your socials and to step back from contacting her proactively. If she calls you to speak that's fine, but you need to show her that her awful actions have consequences. She may have interpreted what's happened into you not having a back bone. You gently need to remind her that you have one and also strong boundaries.

Reading MN threads I'm constantly appalled at the way some (far too many?) children old enough to know better, treat their parents these days. OP, my mum and I were often at odds but never in a million years would I have treated her with even 5% of the disrespect your daughter is showing you - however old I was and wherever I was living.
Throughout our shared lives if she was upset about anything she expected me to listen and support her - and that cut both ways.
OP you've been badly let down by your husband and your nerves are shredded. Yes you're worrying far too much about your daughter's whereabouts but given what you've been through she should also be cutting YOU some slack.
I hope your tough love regime will be effective and that your daughter will soon come to her senses.
I wonder whether the boyfriend is egging her on to behave like a **k? Is she trying to impress him?

I would be glad if she didn't come home if this is how she behaves.
Leave her alone along and let her get on with it.
Why are you begging her you make yourself look desperate and also allow her to try you this way.
Allow her to live her life and enjoy the peace without her drama

You are too much.

Too clingy,
Too expectant
Spamming Her phone with calls and messages..

I feel suffocated reading your post. You are way too involved in her adult life. At this point she should be independent and barely seeing you. She is launching her own life!

You need to work on building up your own life, your own friends, hobbies and dh needs to be supporting you - not dd.

Yoyr mental health tatters have probably been overwhelming for her, she does not need to look after you op. Or to keep calling because of your anxiety.

Get some mental health support in place. Let her love her own life. Your relationship will greatly improve as a result..