DD 19 making me suffer!

[Heartbreakanddamage]

Please, please be gentle because I am honestly at breaking point and cannot go on like this any longer.

NC for this!
Last year myself and my two older DC, then 18 and 20, went through absolute hell, due to my DH gambling and enormous financial implications of that. We were all under enormous pressure, and as you can imagine there was incredible stress and my mental health was in tatters.

DC and I argued a lot and things were awful. I understood it was hard for DD, but she didn’t help at home and just carried on as normal, parties, clubbing and showed no concern, which is what we mainly argued about. I barely saw her or heard from her for six months, despite constantly trying. I continued to pay for a lot of her stuff.

She eventually came round and moved back home, split with bf and was quickly in a new relationship. The thing is she still blames me for the 6 month period, and every time we have a disagreement she throws it all back at me. The slightest argument causes her to leave home for at least a week, refuse to take my calls or messages and totally ignore me. I have to beg and beg for her to return home and apologise over and over. Then it takes weeks for her to agree to spend any time with me and again I have to plead.

This is now in full swing with her having left again over an incident last week. Her bf wanted her to collect him and three friends from a night out in the city, which meant her leaving at 10pm to make the hour’s drive. She had to park in a very dodgy area to wait for them to arrive. Her car is ancient and I was really worried. I told her I was unhappy about it, but she said it was fine.
i called her to check she was ok but no reply. I messaged to tell her to let me know when the boys arrived and she said ok. An hour later I had heard nothing! I messaged her bf on messenger but no reply. Tried calling her many times but nothing. I put a post on his fb asking him to call and still nothing. She eventually called me two hours later furious telling me I’d completely embarrassed her. She’d ignored her phone due to being annoyed.

I have spent the last week literally begging forgiveness. I apologised to her boyfriend, I called and messaged but she is still shutting me out. We had a night out planned on Saturday but she wouldn’t go. I called her today and she messaged “I’m busy” I asked to chat later and got “I’ll be with my bf”

She has also let me down several times lately after we’d made plans, once choosing to go out with friends and not tell me until half an hour before.

I truly think she does not want me in her life and I am absolutely heartbroken. I do not even know how to fix this.

Let her go

And she doesn't live with you if she won't follow basic reasonable rules

I’d be changing the locks and tell her you’re letting her room out.
Get a grip op, you wouldn’t let a friend treat you like this.

She is not an adult friend though! She is a teenager! And unless op wants to risk rupturing the relationship altogether, throwing her out rather than calmly talking through the issues.

She’s not calm though is she. She gives her dm the silent treatment.
My dc were not always easy but they wouldn’t have dared pull this shit.
She’s a young adult who treats her dm like dirt.
She needs a short, sharp shock.

Sounds like you smother her. Give her some space and leave her to live her life.

OP I know you are hurting but I think you really need to take a step back. You are smothering your daughter and she keeps telling you to stop and you continue to do it. You are pushing her away and will lose her if you don’t stop.

Why would she call you or apologise when she knows you will call her repeatedly and apologise profusely.

I think you should spend this time really trying to figure out why you are so dependant on your daughter for happiness.

Then she declined to have a photo taken with me, which made me feel like shit in front of everyone. She did all of this on the day I’d felt really insecure about the dress I was wearing and felt really old.

You sound like a controlling boyfriend.

SHE isn't responsible for how YOU feel.

You need to get a grip.

You need to back off, and stop begging for forgiveness. She needs to stop behaving like a 14 year old.

With the lift - fine to say "please text me when you pick them up" or whatever, and she should respect that and do so. Anything else is way ott, from both sides.

@seedsandseeds
So you think it’s great to purposely make someone feel like shit? If you go out of your way to deliberately make someone feel bad, then you are responsible for that. It wasn’t me demanding a photo. It was the bride who asked actually as it was all her friend’s from work. Everyone who attended with their plus one obviously stood with them for the photo, she declined to be a cow. I’m guessing you also thought her shitty comments were ok too! Weird !!!

It was after she moved out to live with her previous boyfriend.

@Artistbythewater
Before you reply to a post, why don’t you actually read tft? If you did you would have read that there were NO arguments between myself and DH because he wasn’t here.

if you DD drove like a maniac ( words of other people who have seen her on local roads) and had already spun off the road, narrowly missing a tree and writing off someone else’s car, would you not quite like to know where she is?

She moved out for six months of her own free will. She returned of her own free will, WITHOUT BEING ASKED!!!

If your DD was working illegally, would you not try to guide and advise her? Because if the answer is no then I hope you don’t have kids.

As for “trauma dumping” the only trauma she saw was at the worst of our financial issues. I never, EVER!! Z tell her how shot I feel apart from maybe the odd “Jesus I look crap or old” etc which is hardly earth shattering ptsd causing stuff is it.

And no! I don’t expect her to be my bestie at all. She stays at her bf’s 5/6 nights a week! That’s hardly expecting her to be glued to me is it?

Who owns these cars that she keeps having near misses or actual crashes? If someone else does get the keys from her? If she owns a car then she needs to pay for her insurance.
There need to be house rules that include her. Lock your rooms so she doesn't take your clothes.

Sounds like you are a bit suffocating OP. At 19 she won’t appreciate constant calls and messages because you are worried. Work on your anxiety and give her space, otherwise you will only push her away more.

@GoodnightIrene
I honestly don’t know. On the rare occasion she plans a night at home he will call and want to see her. If she says no he continues to message until she gives in. When we went out for a drink one night he called her and asked to join us so I went home.

@Noras
Thank god someone had finally grasped why I am so worried!!!

yes I messaged and repeatedly called her, because I was worried sick something bad had happened, knowing how fast she drives. I had done nothing worse than most caring parents by simply asking she let me know when her bf got to her. She purposely ignored her phone and so did her boyfriend to upset and worry me.

She is absolutely not claiming any benefits. She hates benefits and would definitely not do that.

Both her and my son had it as new drivers. I didn’t even know it existed. It was my son who said it was a good idea. She no longer has it. The week after she spun off a country lane, narrowly missing a tree and writing off someone’s car, she told me I no longer needed to know where she was and only her bf and friends needed to know. I only ever looked to check she’d arrived on long journeys. I wasn’t tracking where she was.

Sorry what, you wrote a post on her boyfriend's Facebook wall asking where your DD is?! I would be mortified and furious if my Mum did that when I was 19! You sound like you're living your life through her, most 19 year olds prefer to be on nights out with their friends rather than their Mums. Why not back off a little and focus on spending time with your own hobbies/friends?

Stop doing anything for her. No washing, cooking, cleaning, paying for things, checking in on her. She’s disrespectful and irresponsible and clearly thinks she doesn’t need you. You don’t have to put up with being treated like dirt just because she’s your daughter. I’d be asking her to leave and find somewhere else to live at this point. I know you will worry not knowing where she is or what she’s up to and you never stop wanting to protect your children. But I think if you withdraw she’ll realise she does need you. Stop letting her walk all over you!

This. I am sorry as it's really hard. But this

@danid26

I wish this was true but how do you account for all the people who go no contact with their mums?

I agree with this, but I'd also pack up her messy room into bags/boxes, as is- if that includes dirty dishes then so be it. She doesn't get to treat your home like a dosshouse.

And I wouldn't be asking her to leave, I'd be telling her that I love her, but her behaviour towards you is appalling and you're not going to put up with it and she must leave.

I understand why you've done as you have, OP, but it needs to stop. It will be hard for you, but I agree with @TattedBarley. Your daughter is more likely to start behaving like a decent adult if you draw your line in the sand than if you keep begging her and apologising.

Stop grovelling. Stop apologising for the past. Discuss a level of letting you know if she's arrived safely somewhere. My eldets flies a lot, he always tells me when he's landed safely. When my other two get back to uni, they tell me they've arrived okay. It's just courtesy.

But begging a child for all this when she's treated you like crap, thrown things in your face and happily taken your money? Just no. Stop paying, stop grovelling, stop being a doormat.

So you think it’s great to purposely make someone feel like shit? If you go out of your way to deliberately make someone feel bad, then you are responsible for that. It wasn’t me demanding a photo. It was the bride who asked actually as it was all her friend’s from work. Everyone who attended with their plus one obviously stood with them for the photo, she declined to be a cow. I’m guessing you also thought her shitty comments were ok too! Weird !!!

Which part of her not wanting a photo with you is her purposefully making you feel like shit?

The bad driving is so selfish. She could kill an innocent person never mind herself.

Stop begging for her forgiveness/time/company, and for goodness sake stop paying for her stuff. She's a big girl now, let her get on with life. Start charging her board or take her door key off her. If she does agree to pay board and stay, also lay down some ground rules about tidying up after herself and doing her share of domestic chores.

Tell her to register with HMRC as self employed immediately , otherwise you'll grass her up. I fail to believe she became this person last year, her current attitude towards you down to how you've raised her - totally spoilt and smothered by the sounds of it.

Wher is your husband in all this? Is he still at home or did you separate?