DD 19 making me suffer!

[Heartbreakanddamage]

Please, please be gentle because I am honestly at breaking point and cannot go on like this any longer.

NC for this!
Last year myself and my two older DC, then 18 and 20, went through absolute hell, due to my DH gambling and enormous financial implications of that. We were all under enormous pressure, and as you can imagine there was incredible stress and my mental health was in tatters.

DC and I argued a lot and things were awful. I understood it was hard for DD, but she didn’t help at home and just carried on as normal, parties, clubbing and showed no concern, which is what we mainly argued about. I barely saw her or heard from her for six months, despite constantly trying. I continued to pay for a lot of her stuff.

She eventually came round and moved back home, split with bf and was quickly in a new relationship. The thing is she still blames me for the 6 month period, and every time we have a disagreement she throws it all back at me. The slightest argument causes her to leave home for at least a week, refuse to take my calls or messages and totally ignore me. I have to beg and beg for her to return home and apologise over and over. Then it takes weeks for her to agree to spend any time with me and again I have to plead.

This is now in full swing with her having left again over an incident last week. Her bf wanted her to collect him and three friends from a night out in the city, which meant her leaving at 10pm to make the hour’s drive. She had to park in a very dodgy area to wait for them to arrive. Her car is ancient and I was really worried. I told her I was unhappy about it, but she said it was fine.
i called her to check she was ok but no reply. I messaged to tell her to let me know when the boys arrived and she said ok. An hour later I had heard nothing! I messaged her bf on messenger but no reply. Tried calling her many times but nothing. I put a post on his fb asking him to call and still nothing. She eventually called me two hours later furious telling me I’d completely embarrassed her. She’d ignored her phone due to being annoyed.

I have spent the last week literally begging forgiveness. I apologised to her boyfriend, I called and messaged but she is still shutting me out. We had a night out planned on Saturday but she wouldn’t go. I called her today and she messaged “I’m busy” I asked to chat later and got “I’ll be with my bf”

She has also let me down several times lately after we’d made plans, once choosing to go out with friends and not tell me until half an hour before.

I truly think she does not want me in her life and I am absolutely heartbroken. I do not even know how to fix this.

@seedsandseeds
ok call it embarrassed then, call it what you like!!! There were around twenty wedding guests standing in couples, all queueing for the pics together (bride’s idea not ours) and every couple go forward, then it gets to us…I go and stand in position and she doesn’t move, the bride’s saying “Go on Hannah! That will be a lovely pic with your mum” and she says “No thanks I’m ok”

Are you seriously telling me this would not have embarrassed/hurt you in front of all your work colleagues because I don’t believe you.

Sorry to hear you’re having such a hard time. With respect, it doesn’t sound much fun round at your house at the moment. If I was 19 I wouldn’t want to be there. I really feel, without doubt, you need to access counselling. You’re putting too much on her. She needs you to be solid but you’re needy which is likely due to a difficult past. The sooner you access counselling and find some calm the sooner she’ll want to be around you.

I’d tell her that’s your plan as you’re really struggling. You can turn this around. Reaching out here is your first step.

ok call it embarrassed then, call it what you like!!! There were around twenty wedding guests standing in couples, all queueing for the pics together (bride’s idea not ours) and every couple go forward, then it gets to us…I go and stand in position and she doesn’t move, the bride’s saying “Go on Hannah! That will be a lovely pic with your mum” and she says “No thanks I’m ok”
Are you seriously telling me this would not have embarrassed/hurt you in front of all your work colleagues because I don’t believe you.

Again OP she is not responsible for how you feel. I'm surprised you've made it to adulthood with this mindset.

OP, she is behaving very badly and the car videos is truly shocking.

Control what you can because you cannot control her.

Do absolutely nothing for her.
Stop contacting her.
Stop shopping for her.
Stop laundry.
If she says she is moving out, encourage it.

She is angry and abusing you, so you need to drop the rope.
She needs to grow up but she is getting too much enjoyment lashing out at her.

Stop everything. It will be hard but you need to break the pattern.
If she abuses you for not doing her laundry, suggest she fo it herself or move out.

Stop apologising for anything in the past.
Move forward.
If she wants to blame you for everything she will.
Stop sharing any worries or concerns with her.
Its never a good thing to share your burdens with children.

This business with her father has been very hard, but it is time to change the dynamic with her though.

Just stop chasing her.

@seedsandseeds

Stop messaging on my thread as you’re being deliberately confrontational. If you behave in a manner that causes upset to someone, then you are accountable. Clearly you have no clue about accountability so you have nothing helpful to say. Other posters have given constructive criticism, whilst you’re just being an arse for the sake of it.

stop madly messaging phoning and posting on Facebook. She’s feeling smothered. She’s an adult. Tell her something only once and leave it at that. For example tell her the consequences of not declaring income and send her a link to the right forms. Don’t chase things up

She messaged me on Sunday night, I didn’t read or respond. Heard nothing yesterday and didn’t contact her. Then this morning I get another from her saying “Why are you ignoring me?” I’ve just read it but not responded yet.

I don't think outright ignoring her is helpful, now you're giving her the silent treatment which is abusive.

General messaging is fine but don't get drawn in to any drama or over concern about what she's doing, who with and why.

Keep the lines of communication open.

My mother was like you and it made my late teens early twenties shit. You won't want to hear it but it sounds like you're emotionally unstable and are using your daughter for emotional security since your husband left, which can come in the form of causing drama for the security after an argument. Even your comment about how others talk about her driving like a maniac (which is obviously not okay) makes it seem like you talk shit about her to others like you have on this thread. You haven't said one nice thing OR balanced thing about her so why would she like you or want a photo with you or want to do things with you

If you want a good relationship with her you could try being a more normal mum and dump her dirty laundry in her room and ask if she'd let you know when she's arrived somewhere and find things to do in your own life in the mean time so she can have hers vs smothering her or as per other posters suggestions throwing her out.

I find this type of parenting from mothers in particular who are trying to fill a drama gap after leaving a dramatic husband abusive and wish it would be recognised as such, she might be an adult but you're still her mother and you're doing so much harm to her in what should be a time when she's spreading her wings. All she's getting instead is damage

@SortingItOut
Tbh I really just needed to put some space between us and let things calm down. I’ve worked a 13 hour day today so only now sitting down to reply and actually think what to say.

I’m going to say “I’m not ignoring you but think we both needed to cool off” and leave it at that! Then it’s up to her as to what she does from there.

@mapleriver There was no drama with DH as he wasn’t even living here. It’s drama that I absolutely do not want. I’m not sure why you think that but I am hearing what you say.

I have actually said that she was always great and I had no trouble with her. I let her do what she wanted and trusted her because she never gave me a reason not to. Have you read tft about the car crash etc? I wasn’t talking shit to others about her. My friend told me her son has seen her driving very fast which is such a worry! A neighbour also told me. I cannot help what others have said. All I asked was to let me know when safe but she didn’t snd usually doesn’t. I have never stopped her doing stuff with friends etc but it’s her reckless behaviour that’s upsetting.

I feel for you OP as I think your daughter is being deliberately horrible to you which is very hard to live with. Even if things go better anything sets it back.
I agree she is treating you as a doormat - she thinks she can say or do anything.
I think she blames you for things going wrong and I also think she just thinks is you will take it.
Start detaching a little, Judy the house, ask her dues she want you to live with her bf ft as it's not really working out at home,

Well done OP. Be consistent. Set healthy boundaries and look after yourself. There is hope that it will eventually not only protect you from a heartache but also improve the relationship with your daughter. She needs to learn that she can't walk over you and then expect you to pander to her.

I’m sorry about your DH’s gambling issues.

I hate to say it though, but you’ve created a monster with your DD. Begging, pleading, asking forgiveness, this is all absolutely bonkers behaviour!! You need to calm down, stand back and quite literally leave her to her life. Even if that means you don’t see her / have time together. At some point, she will come back, but you can’t force it and the more you try the worse you are going to make it.

You are going through a horrible time. I do think if possible you should try to not worry about what she is up to (hard I know) but pull back from her, let her go and make the mistakes.

Sounds like a driving ban would do her good for a year or two until she matures!

She will eventually grow up! And oh the irony that she is a cleaner but her own room is filthy - just typical!

Thank you so much @SortingItOut
I think I d actually reached a point whereby I’ve lost all ability to know what is the right and wrong thing to do and say. I’m just going to cut her completely loose and ask her nothing at all. However she will from now on be paying for absolutely everything she has/needs. If she wants to be treated like an adult then that comes with financial responsibilities I’m afraid.,

I'm a bit confused because you're replying to me but you quoted someone else, who I absolutely disagree with. That lady said you're giving your daughter silent treatment, which is abusive.

Silent treatment is by definition manipulative. You're not manipulating your daughter, you just simply had enough of being abused by her and you communicated clearly that you need space.

You're absolutely doing a right thing. For now give yourself time to gather strength and heal. That will allow you to see things more clearly.

@Bibi12

Gosh I’m just not with it! That was meant for you.

No, as you say, it’s not the silent treatment. It’s me taking back some power and replying in my own time and giving myself some space and trying to break the cycle.

There are two camps, one who think I’ve treated her very badly and one who think she has behaved badly. I guess there’s a middle where it all sits but whatever else I can see she manipulates me has been in the driving seat for far too long. Let’s not forget that this latest blow up came about because she refused to let me know she was safe. Many posters have admitted they would expect that from their DC so I wasn’t asking a whole lot really.

Gently, I know it’s not easy, but you really need to let go.

She’s an adult. She’ll make mistakes. That’s how we learn adulting. And for goodness’ sake, stop “begging for forgiveness”.

When I was 19, a very long time ago now, I certainly didn’t want my parents in my life to anywhere near the degree you seem to expect. Again gently, your expectations aren’t normal.

Do you have anything much in your life?

Time to make new friends and develop new interests. Your adult children growing up can be a fabulous time for you, too. You get to please yourself again.

Our youngest is 21 and still lives with us in the family home after living away for a time at university. I do appreciate a text (“won’t be back til tomorrow, plans changed”, sort of thing) but expecting anything much beyond that is unrealistic and unreasonable of you.

@MrsSkylerWhite
Tbh that was all I expected, a text staying ‘safe’ but she refused to do that and then refused to answer her phone for well over 1.5 hours. I had no idea if she’d broken down or worse. She’d spun off the road and written someone’s car off a couple of weeks prior, almost hitting a tree, so yes I was worried. I actually don’t care where she goes or with whom, but it’s not asking a lot to text one word.

Stop messaging on my thread as you’re being deliberately confrontational. If you behave in a manner that causes upset to someone, then you are accountable. Clearly you have no clue about accountability so you have nothing helpful to say. Other posters have given constructive criticism, whilst you’re just being an arse for the sake of it.

Incorrect. We're each responsible for what we say and do, not for how the other person reacts.

The problem is, OP, that you have unintentionally created this situation.

She now seems to be being unreasonable and maybe she is in some respects but she is operating within the parameters you have set.

She may be an adult but you are the adult in your relationship. It's up to you to change and fix it.

I actually think DD is completely responsible for her own behaviour. If it's about the house well the only think OP can do is have a conversation about tidying and keeping the house clean and if she is not willing , to find somewhere else to live.

When I was 19, a very long time ago now, I certainly didn’t want my parents in my life to anywhere near the degree you seem to expect. Again gently, your expectations aren’t normal.

I agree with this.

When I was 19, I lived away from home and barely spoke to my parents. I didn't ask them for anything either becaise I was completely independent of them.

My daughter is 18 and away at university. I don't know where she is from one day to the next. We message each other a few times a week but I think we've only spoken on the phone once in the last 6 weeks. She's got her own life to live now which is how it should be.

She knows I'm here and I love her and j don't take it as a rejection that I don't hear from her more.

OP, some of your worry is a uncomfortable feeling you just have to sit with for a while and trust that she is OK.

But she didn't grow up in a vacuum. All of us are influenced by our upbringing and home environment - for good and bad. And parents set the tone for that.

She is currently trying to find herself, her place in the world, establish herself. She will make mistakes along the way but she is still young and, at the moment, can only use the tool kit she has been given by her parents. She doesn't have another one yet.